Kingdom Hearts
Part 1
"The Island of Wankers."
In the first hour we’re introduced to Sora, a giant wanker idiot second only to Tidus, as he falls a lot in FMV form and bumbles his way through the most anal-retentive game tutorial ever. We’ll also meet his compadres on the Destiny Islands, one of whom is miraculously not a tool. Come suffer with me!
Part 2
"I don’t think we’re in…oh, the hell with it."
Now that Junior and his friends have been separated and Junior whisked away to the strange and wondrous metropolis that is Traverse Town, we finally find out what Squally’s been up to all these years. Unfortunately, Seifer isn’t involved that I can see. Dammit.
Part 3
"Don’t smoke crack, kids."
It’s time to officially start the Adventures of the Three Mouseketeers, and what better way to save the world and your friends than to travel in a ship made of candy and chat it up with talking playing cards and a disembodied cat head? If the whole game is like this, I’m going to be a full-fledged alcoholic by the end.
Part 4
"Me Tarzan. You Junior. Him annoying fucking duck."
Junior, @%$#!!!, and Goofy make their way from the pharmaceutical cornucopia of Wonderland to the excitement and adventures to be found in Tarzan’s Amazing World of Monkeys and Folks with Bad Upper-Class British Accents. Along the way, @%$#!!! and Junior astound us all by getting into an argy-bargy over who’s flying the freakin’ Gummi Ship of Love. Yeah, I’ll bet nobody saw it coming.
Part 5
"The heroes that aren’t."
For four long recaps we’ve had it beaten into our heads that Junior is the hero…of something or other. Now Junior, @%$#!!!, and Goofy travel to Olympus Coliseum, where they meet a hero who’s almost more of a wanker than he of the Tightass emulation. In other news, Hell has been reporting record low temperatures.
Part 6
"Traverse Town: The Return of the Wanker"
Junior’s had his fill of walloping random baddie ass in the Olympus Coliseum, proving to us all that you can be a video game hero and still be a whiny loser with no friends. He’s got some important questions to put to Squally regarding life, the universe, and those damned gummis, so we’re at last heading off to Traverse Town to seek him out. By the time we’re done, Junior will have had his way with yet another keyhole. Merciful God, is no one going to stop this boy’s key-induced depravity?
Part 7
"Agrabated in Agrabah."
Junior and Pals do indeed journey to that Whole New World, in which they discover shining, shimmering, splendid wonders such as fire-breathing fat guys, pot spiders, and tiny, tiny ledges they are expected to stay perched upon while they are attacked by said fire-breathing fat guys and pot spiders. Shove your magic carpet ride up your ass, Aladdin. And your stupid lamp, too.
Part 8
"Everything I ever needed to know about whale anatomy, I learned from Kingdom Hearts."
Junior and his cronies are en route from Agrabah to Atlantica when a giant space whale–Monstro, of course–swallows the Gummi Ship of Recapper Annoyance and our heroes are trapped in the monster’s cavernous gullet. This sounds like a bad thing, but it’s not, because 1) Riku is there and 2) it puts off Atlantica for another hour. Hooray!
Part 9
"Poor Unfortunate Recapper Souls"
Well, folks, my luck has run out. Sam got whale innards, I get a topless merman Junior and a whiny twit named Ariel. Join me as I suffer through crappy swimming controls, worse dialogue, and horrible comparisons to Young!AG’s traumatic high school past. All this pain, just so I can drool over Squally, sweet Riku, and end up with Halloween Town. Well, there’s no help for it. If I want to cross the bridge my dears, I have to pay the toll, so I’ll take a gulp and take a breath and go ahead and beat myself to death with the keyboard.
Part 10
"From ghoulies, ghosties and pumpkin-headed wankers, Lawd preserve us!"
The soul-sucking shores of Atlantica behind them, Junior and the boys head off to Halloween Town to get their fix of freaks (them), frights (the game camera), and your recapper saying “fuck!” — a lot. Yeah, I know. What else is new?
Part 11
"Believe…or the monkey gets it."
I know none of you guys saw this coming, but Neverland is our Gay World. It’s subtle, but between the penisy tower, Peter Pan, the fairy, the fabulous pirate ship, Peter Pan, the butt pirates, Peter Pan, Captain Hook’s rapier, and yeah, Peter Pan too, the theme does come through. Also experience a bonus lifetime’s worth of dialogue and exposition about light and darkness, believing in various things, and doors. Those game designers sure know how to show a girl a good time.
Part 12
"One hundred acres of sheer, unadulterated misery"
That’s right, dearies. Sam and I are taking a little break from all that tedious storyline stuff to bash our brains into mush playing a bunch of goddamned mini-games. I will be your tour guide through that world of wonder, that whimsical happy land known as the One Hundred Acre Wood, where Pooh-bear and all his little pals are intent on driving me completely fucking insane. Believe me, the only thing keeping me at this is the fact that we’re getting closer and closer to the part with Billy Zane in it.
Part 13
"The Power of Bullshit Friendship"
From the “I’m Only Playing Through This Crap So You Guys Will Stop Emailing Me” Department: Junior, @%$#!!!, and Goofy return to Olympus Coliseum to win a little fame and glory in front of the nonexistent Coliseum crowds as they fight through three intrigue- and action-packed tournaments. And by the end, Junior has learned a valuable lesson about trust and friendship. At least, that’s what Square wants you to think.
Part 14
"Derpness. The true derpness."
Junior and his best pals travel to Hollow Bastion, where for a few brief, shining moments, they cease to be his best pals and make him look like a total chump. Then, after eight planets full of time-wasting fluff and crack-inspired nonsense, the game stops fucking around, Billy Zane makes his long-awaited return, and basically the entire plot happens at once.
Part 15
"Riku who in the what now?"
This may come as a surprise, but Junior shows exactly as much urgency to rescue Riku that he did to “rescue” Token. With his poor best friend hanging off a metaphorical cliff, Junior detours for some animal rescue volunteer work, a little experimental alchemy, and a lot of pointless arena battles. What a great guy! The power of friendship!
Part 16
"Kingdom Hearts…is wank!"
Junior’s torturous tour through the gummiverse ends at the appropriately named End of the World, as the Mouseketeers throw down once and for all with Billy Zane, who turns out to be a totally normal, understated boss. What, were you expecting him to turn into a fleshy Star Destroyer? Don’t be ridiculous. And in the Heart of All Worlds, Junior is pummeled with truths about Light and Darkness and Hearts and Doors until he develops brain damage. Er…additional brain damage.