In part 14 of THE HEART THAT BELIEVES: THE GAME, all of Junior’s hard work* paid off and he finally rescued his lady love** Token. Yeah, even this climactic rescue was facilitated by Riku fighting through his possession at the hands of Billy Zane to buy them time to escape without him, but that part is totally not going in Junior’s tell-all memoir, Keyblade Master: How One Rugged Hero with Huge Biceps Totally Saved the Universe.
(* nope)
(** NOPE)
With the nonsensical, cornball endgame in our sights, and Riku in mortal peril and fighting for control of his very soul, it is time for action! And by action, I mean, “Sam endures a bunch of bullshit filler to get the good ending.” I mean, this whole game is bullshit filler, but you know. The Gummi Ship of Recapper Annoyance’s first stop, surely to Cid’s consternation, is Hollow Bastion. The Heartless here are, as he promised, more difficult and more numerous, but if Junior and his entourage can’t handle a few Fridges at once, given what I have to do later, this recap is going to be extremely painful. In no time at all, the threesome has fought its way through the foyer and enters the library.
As they ascend the staircase, a cutscene rudely interrupts their inappropriately loud romp through the library to show Beast clomping even more loudly up the stairs. Belle, in her beautiful but highly impractical golden ball gown, turns from staring vacantly at a bookshelf to greet him with this weird come-hither look. Beast groans with arousal at Belle being an out-of-character, discomfiting sex kitten. No, really. It’s gross. “Belle!” he adds, because it’s more romantic to include one’s partner’s name when making drooly fuck noises at her, and they embrace in a waltz position. Do you all remember that scene where they danced? OMG, so magical! And the Murder, She Wrote teapot sang a song! Obviously they have to clutch each other in this exact manner, even though they are not going to break into ballroom dancing in the fucking library, just so we are in no danger of forgetting one of the most iconic scenes in Disney history. Out of the cutscene, so they don’t have to pay another voice actor, Belle asks if they are there to seal the keyhole, and warns them to be careful because of the daaaaaaaaaarkness. “We’ve been holding it back,” she adds, “but we can’t hold out much longer.” It must not be that urgent if Belle is hanging out here, reading manga, instead of helping with this.
‘…my butt.’
Belle doesn’t even bother giving Junior any swag to commemorate her only speaking lines–stingy!–so with that waste of time out of the way, he, @%$#!!!, and Goofy traverse the upper floors of the castle and in short order arrive at the chapel. The Mary Sues of Heart, minus Token and Belle, are standing around this dank chamber, gossiping about their studly boyfriends who all kind of look the same. “Except for that street rat of Jasmine’s!” Aurora and Cinderella probably scoff behind their hands, worry for a moment that they may be racist, decide they totally aren’t, and go back to making fun of Snow White’s ugly puffy dress sleeves. Each Mary Sue of Heart has a canned line to share with Junior about the darkness pouring out of the keyhole. Only Aurora has anything of interest to say–when Junior asks where Billy Zane went, Cinderella says he’s gone, and Aurora adds, “I cannot forget the look on his face. As the darkness engulfed him, he was smiling.” That’s right: Billy Zane got a blowjob from the darkness. If Maleficent were alive she would be fucking furious.
HOW DARE HE.
From where the Mary Sues of Heart are being supposedly useful, just in a way that’s impossible to see, it’s a hop, skip, and jump through a couple more Heartless-infested rooms to reach the keyhole. Easier still, Junior can glide back to the save point next to Cinderella to heal up and the Heartless past that point won’t respawn. Handy! Junior steps through the portal within the keyhole into an even larger area that, like the keyhole, looks like it had oil paint spilled all over it. Standing in their path is a hulking, muscular, lavender Heartless beast: this game’s cartoonish, underbited answer to that old Final Fantasy standby, the Behemoth. Besides looking very silly and purple and not scary at all, its tusks are pointing in an odd, impractical direction. I’m not sure what possible benefit they could have like that. Being the M in the YMCA dance? Scratching another Behemoth’s ass with ease? I’m concentrating on the bizarre tusks because this fight is neither challenging nor interesting. It’s basically a more simplistic version of the Black Dragon fight–get on its back, avoid standing under it or in front of it, and smack it on the noggin until it dies. Not that @%$#!!! or Goofy ever get the hang of these advanced tactics. Junior loots the fantastic Omega Arts accessory from the Behemoth’s corpse, so at least I’m getting something out of this excursion besides watching Junior make it with another keyhole.
The Heartless don’t have a very good dental plan.
Speaking of the keyhole, the real keyhole is inside this keyhole–I need to stop saying keyhole–and it’s before them now, looking all ominous and filled with daaaaaarkness and so on. Goofy tells the kid to get on with it and “seal that big Keyhole!” This is going to be a hot dog in a hallway situation. But from behind them, back out in the chamber, they hear Squally’s voice say, “[Junior], you did it.” And without touching the keyhole at all–not even any over-the-jacket stuff!–the three of them head back outside to talk with Squally. When did he turn into such a cockblock?
When they emerge from the outer keyhole or whatever, they find Squally and the ladies, Yuffie with her legs dangling casually over the railing. She’s so spunky and carefree, you guys! Yuffie tells Junior they came here in Cid’s ship. Well, how nice of Cid to take his pals on an afternoon joyride and never offer to use this vessel to transport Junior on his important saving-the-fucking-universe mission. Someone has his priorities straight. Anyway, Aeris adds, “This is our childhood home. We wanted to see it again.” Before I can comment that no wonder Squally is such a fucking bummer if he grew up in this pseudo-goth disaster zone, he explains, “It’s in worse shape than I feared. It used to be so peaceful…” There was fur trim on everything! So luxurious. Aeris says defeating Billy Zane should not only restore Hollow Bastion to the tastefully appointed paradise it once was, but should bring back worlds that were lost, like the Island of Wankers. Junior goes, “Really?” like that place was even that great. Tightass was there! Let’s not go crazy.
“But,” Yuffie says sadly, “it also means goodbye.” Aeris reiterates what we mostly already knew: travel between worlds and knowledge of other worlds is not supposed to exist, so they’d all have to go back to being provincial rubes who get excited when a new Red Lobster opens. Everyone hangs their heads at the prospect of not being friends or even remembering each other–because it’s been a laugh a minute hanging out with Squally–until a cutscene allows the Final Fantasy Throwback Crew one more chance to extol the Power of Friendship. “We may never meet again,” Squally monotones, 100 percent checked out of this shitty script by now, “but we’ll never forget each other.” I don’t know, Yuffie basically just said they’d all forget each other. Much more earnestly, Aeris puts her hand over her heart–gag–and pledges, “No matter where we are, our hearts will bring us together again.” Yuffie tells Junior directly, “Besides, I couldn’t forget you even if I wanted to.” It’s admittedly difficult to forget someone as breathtakingly lame as Junior, who is all, “What’s that supposed to mean?” This is exactly what she was talking about, dingus.
So while Junior and the FFTC have been signing each other’s yearbooks and promising to keep in touch during the summer, @%$#!!! and Goofy have been back at the keyhole, not even remotely paying attention. @%$#!!! quacks, “[Junior]!” and Goofy repeats, “Hurry! Come and close the Keyhole!” I am choosing to believe that @%$#!!! and Goofy know perfectly well that they’ll never see Junior again after their mission is completed, and are totally fine with it. Squally wishes Junior good luck, like he didn’t already do the hard part of defeating the guardian monster, and Junior runs back into the keyhole portal. Without any more pointless delays, he targets the moist and pink glowing keyhole and clicks it closed.
While wearing Token’s keychain, no less! What a cad.
Back out in the chapel, the same five Mary Sues of Heart thank Junior for infecting one more world with the clap. Jasmine says, “I can feel a powerful darkness growing somewhere far away,” and Aurora explains that it is the “heart of the darkness,” and that Billy Zane must be there, rolling around naked in the darkness with gleeful abandon. Junior is all too willing to go there and deal with Billy and the Heartless, like he has anything better to do. Nonetheless, Cinderella is like, “You’re so brave,” and upgrades his Fira to Firaga as a reward. Not complaining. Finally, they repeat that everything should return to normal once Billy Zane has been dealt with, and that means that Junior too will have to go home and not have rad space adventures anymore, but he isn’t really listening. “I can’t go home ’til I find Riku and the king,” he replies. The rules don’t apply to him, because he’s too much of an oblivious asshole to notice them! Hooray for swinging your dick through life!
Even though three of the five ladies in the room are currently homeless and sigh that they have no choice but to stay in this miserable place, Junior does not call them a gummi cab to at least get them back to Traverse Town. Maybe they’ll hitch with Cid. Instead, he and his companions leave them to fantasize about dry cleaning the dresses they’ve been wearing for weeks and head back to the entrance. On the way, they find that the FFTC has run ahead of them to the library. Aeris upgrades Cura to Curaga–again, not complaining about the free upgrades from otherwise useless Mary Sues–and hands him several of the remaining sections of Ansem’s Report. Nice try, lady, but Junior isn’t going to sit around reading like some nerd. He has hero shit to do! Belle, perhaps because I missed it the first time sensing that she was not appropriately charitable earlier, also gives Junior the Divine Rose keychain, in case he wants to cosplay as one of the Suikoden dandies.
MEEEEEEEEEEEE
After swinging all the way back to the keyhole room because I forgot there were chests with decent loot in there now–like the Oblivion keychain–Junior finally leaves Hollow Bastion. Aboard the ship, the Rescue Rangers tell him there’s a new tournament available at the Coliseum. I guess all those Heartless pouring out of the Hollow Bastion keyhole had to find something to do. But before indulging in the endless fun and excitement of the Hades Cup, Junior returns to Traverse Town to take care of some other business. He hasn’t visited Pongo and Perdita in some time, and is wondering if they have any more rewards for his selfless rescue of their 99 welfare puppies. Indeed, Pongo noses over some festive pink boxes–yikes–containing an Orichalcum and an Ultima-G, making me feel even guiltier about my neglect of synthesis, and not at all guilty about my neglect of the gummi ship. At this point, my trouble focusing on tasks kicks in–or perhaps I’m dreading the Hades Cup that much–so I decide to backtrack through the other worlds and rescue the rest of the puppies. You just know that last pink box is going to have a naked Riku in it.
The first stop on this sad delaying tactic tour is Wonderland, where there is a single puppy chest that was previously too high for Junior to reach. The high jump and glide abilities now allow him to leapfrog across some giant lily pads in the Lotus Forest, after taking a huge bong rip. After grabbing an Orichalcum from the highest lily pad, he pushes through some vegetation and finds himself in a secret alcove above the Mad Hatter’s tea party–one more bong rip–with two chests, one with puppies and one with another motherfucking Aeroga-G I cannot carry. Stop trying to make gummi ships happen, game! A glide over the tea party nets Junior another chest with a Mythril, and I totally didn’t have to do all that leapfrogging and gliding three times because I kept missing the tiny platform with that last chest. Nope! That is not how we’re choosing to remember this.