We’re starting this recap off with Junior and the boys already within the confines of Traverse Town. Why? Well, simple. When I taped the footage for this recap, I didn’t tape any of the Gummi Ship travel that lead up to getting from Olympus Coliseum to Traverse Town because I forgot to push that handy little ‘record’ button. So, you guys are saved the misery of listening to me kvetch more about Disney’s answer to Star Fox. Consider it my good deed for this recap. I need all the good karma I can get to make it out of this alive. Once inside the city gates, Junior and company take off running to a shady little back alley in the First District. If you were thinking that no good could come of this, you’d be right. We will now bear witness to one of the most disturbing things I’ve seen cartoon characters do to one another outside of tentacle rape hentai. In front of Junior is a rickety old plank fence with a Red Trinity symbol in the bottom right corner. Junior looks at it a moment, considers his options and in a hedonistic orgy of perversion sends poor @#$%!!! running up to hug the wall as he and Goofy pile in behind. Then, in a scene too foul for words, all three of them hump the wall in one huge thrust, breaking the fence. As a parent of eight wholesome, loving pets, I tell you that this filth is beyond the pale. I am hereby demanding that every store, every home, every Playstation 2 be rid of this foul game at once. You’re right. It doesn’t sound any better when I do it, and my tongue is starting to hurt as it’s wedged so firmly against my cheek. Enjoy the imagery of that last sentence, folks.
We don’t get very far into the aptly named “Alleyway” before we have to stop and send three more poor widdle puppies back home. The reward for this good deed is to find out that we can’t go any further because of the crates blocking the path. Now that’s what I call positive reinforcement. Well, no matter. Junior hops, skips and jumps his way right to the doorway into the Second District and in we go. The place is swarming with little Heartless mages of every element, which naturally means that @#$%!!! is still completely useless in battle. Sallying forth with Keyblade in hand, we end up behind the Hotel for a refreshing dip in the Traverse Town sewers. Even here the magic of Disney holds sway and the water is a lovely deep blue instead of the standard gray-brown stuff you might see at your local wastewater conduit. I don’t really recommend you jumping in it to find Squally, but that’s what Junior, Goofy and @#$%!!! do. The sewer entrance is barred, and the handy in-game dialogue says that it’s (Currently closed off). We’ll soon see about that. Those puny steel bars are as tissue paper when compared to the awesome power of the Wuuv Wuuv Trinity Hump!
So here we are in the “Secret Waterway”. It may be just me, but it sounds like a sexual euphemism. My Mom is a big romance novel reader, and if you spend any time perusing those lofty tomes, you’ll see just about every pretty word pressed into service to describe genitalia and sex acts. The advantage to this is that you can then make perfectly innocent phrases sound like they’re filthy, especially if you’re a prepubescent gay male who can’t get any. Speaking of filthy, a few steps into the screen, Junior has to swim for it. I can think of quite a few fanfolks that wouldn’t mind taking a swim in Squally’s Love Canal, but I just can’t get past the whole raw sewage thing, not even for tight black leather pants and a big gunblade. Junior spots Squally and once on dry land goes running towards him as we’re treated to a lovely shot of Squally practicing his solo sword work. See? I told you! Those perfectly innocent words are mocking you with their secret innuendo.
Find the Keyhole, hide the Keyblade!
Loading ...Squally is hanging out at his Cave of Lurve (tm Sam) with Aeris. Why? I have no idea, except that it’s vitally important to balance out the fangirl service in a game with fanboy service of equal value. The pair gives Junior a lecture on The Importance of the Keyhole, since we obviously haven’t had the point of the game beaten into our heads enough. Squally states the obvious that there must be a Keyhole for Traverse Town, and stresses that Junior should find it posthaste, otherwise Traverse Town and all the other worlds will disappear, never to be seen again. Squally then tells Junior that it would do him good to get out there and see the other worlds, presumably the worlds that are farthest away from him. Aeris begs Junior to “use your Keyblade.” One more remark like that your saintly pinkness, and I might have to break the hearts of fanboys everywhere and practice my own blade-wielding on you. Then legions of bishounen-worshiping fangirls and boys will bow down to me as their hero. I can’t see how I could possibly lose, so all that’s keeping me from doing it is a need to get this recap finished and the Keyhole closed. Count yourself lucky, missy.
Junior, suddenly remembering that we’ve got a plot to further, takes his super-amazing gummi block to Squally and asks if he knows what it’s for. Squally doesn’t, but Aeris thinks Cid might, so why don’t we go see Cid? Squally also gives Junior his lucky stone Earthshine and tells him that while it may be just an orb of rock to you and me, it does have a mysterious power. Whatever, Squally. We’re left with a lovely view of Squally’s multi-belted ass as our dismissal as Junior tries to use his Keyblade on Aeris and fails to either my relief or wailing fury, depending on how you read the sentence. Hooray for double-entendre!
Now it’s past Aeris and up the stairs to the Magician’s Study. If you want to save yourself twenty minutes of cursing the game designers, I suggest you leave and go find Cid. If, however, you’re dumb like me and you like the feeling you get when your blood pressure spikes and you get dizzy, then you can do as I did and try to get the stupid Fairy Godmother to turn your Earthshine stone into Simba before you go talk to Cid. Fortunately, with the magic of the fast-forward button, I can now pretend that those fruitless minutes of wasted effort never happened and that I knew what the hell I was doing all along. It’ll be our little secre — well, shit.
Well, if it ain’t a statement of the fucking obvious.
Cid’s back in the Accessory Shop, and Junior shows off his gummi block once again. Suitably impressed, Cid explains that this is a navigation gummi. He seems surprised that Junior and Co. knows nothing about their gummi ship. Junior counters with “There’s a lot we don’t know.” No arguments from me, Junior. Cid agrees to install the navigation gummi on the Gummi Ship of Love if Junior will deliver this book for him. Cid says that the book needs to be delivered to the old man who lives in the old house past the Third District with a picture of fire nearby. Cid, why not just say “the Mystical House” and make it easier on us all? It’s not like the next set of events aren’t going to force-feed us the instructions for finishing this world, so you may as well get on the bandwagon and cooperate, you @#$% old coot. As Cid hands to book over to Junior, the building shakes and a bell sounds. Cid says that it’s the bell on the Gizmo Shop, and that we should check it out after we deliver the book and meet up with him in the house in the Third District. Cid, would you like to hand over the Ancient Scroll with instructions for fighting the level boss, too? Oh, come on. You know you want to.