I’ll stop being a dick. Hugo admits that he’s been looking for the Flame Champion, but can’t buy a goddamn clue about the guy. I hope Lilly went and found him on her own, and he granted her three wishes like a True Rune genie. Though all the other ladies in the game didn’t magically get uglier, so I doubt this happened. Sana would like to know what Hugo would do if he could meet the FC, and he gives the most pat answer: “Well, I’d like him to protect Grassland. I’m tired of our people being taken advantage of.” Good grief, he may as well have said, “I wish he would kill that bitch Lady Chris.” Sana obviously finds this answer lacking, and asks what Hugo would actually do if they met, not what he’d ask Isaac to do. But before he can answer, Sana gets word that the Harmonians are back, and they have to cut their talk short. Hugo is left in his emo funk, and admits to himself that he doesn’t have an answer yet. I’m sure he’ll have plenty of time to think of one, though, since he’s got maybe months or years of maturing left to do before he happens to track down the Flame Champion! It’s not like he’s down the street!

(He’s down the street.)

Hugo follows Sana out, and joins her, Caesar, Apple, and Sarge in conference. Caesar is trying to come up with a plan while they wait out their reinforcements, but the Harmonians don’t seem content to wait. Apple adds, trying as usual to bring something of worth to the discussion, “Dios is in command. I’ve met him before in Crystal Valley. He may act like a fair-weather soldier, but he’s intent on winning.” So Dios isn’t going to surrender to a village of pacifists. Thanks as always, Apple. And “worse,” Caesar says, “they don’t think the Flame Champion or the Fire Bringer are still alive. That’s trouble.” Wait, what? I thought they were specifically invading to look for the Flame Champion. And even if they’re not: have the Grassland clans really mustered no other defenses against outsiders? Hasn’t this motherfucker been gone for 50 years? Build a fucking wall or something.

And if I had wheels, I’d be a wagon.

All this, of course, leads to Sana and Caesar hatching a “brilliant” plan: tricking the Harmonians into believing the Flame Champion is here. With the Grassland forces still half a day out, Caesar decides this is their best option, and asks, “Hugo, my boy, how’d you like to be our Flame Champion?” I dunno, how would you all like to be dead, because that is stupid and will not work? Even Hugo is like, “Are you fucking crazy?” Caesar points out again that they have no other options but to rely on Hugo’s “acting ability,” and hopefully nobody will ask him to light anything on fire. Caesar goes on that it has to be Hugo purely because he looks young enough to be True Rune immortal, and is a Grasslander. (Hugo asks why Caesar can’t do it, to which Caesar lamely responds that he does not have a “warrior” inside, but also because his brother would kind of fucking know.) Of course, Hugo fails to mention to Caesar that he has met both Yuber and Albert before, in a combat scenario, and Yuber did not sustain third-degree burns from all the True Fire Rune spells he was slinging, so you’d think those two would be wise to the deceit. Of course they won’t be, but they should be.

But Hugo agrees to this ruse that has no business fooling anyone, because he’s the heeeeeero and also because I make him. A black screen cuts to Dios, now joined by Sasarai, but still not by Sasarai’s poofy pope hat. Motherfucker. Dios is talking big shit about how they’re going to take down this village of civilians, like he needs to impress this young man and tap into his daddy issues, and Sasarai replies that that would conclude their “manhunt” in the area, allowing them to go back to Crystal Valley. So they are here for the Flame Champion, and they do not think he’s dead. Just so we’re all keeping track. And while I’m here: they haven’t searched any other part of the Grasslands yet! They’ve been dicking around near Caleria, and that’s it. They’re going to search Chisha and then fucking leave? Do they have Hortez VII guiding them to the likeliest hiding places?

Hugo, Caesar, and Apple march up to Dios and Sasarai, and they didn’t even adorn Hugo in cheap True Fire Rune jewelry or temporary tattoos or anything. Come on, a little costuming flair would have been welcome. Caesar announces that they don’t need to search the village for the Flame Champion, because here he stands, the dopey frosted-hair firestarter of their fantasies. Caesar goes, “Hugo. If you will,” and I half-expect that they’ve rigged up some fake-ass pyrotechnics to be set off by a trigger in Hugo’s right hand, but instead, Hugo announces in an I’m-totally-not-lying way, “You have found me, Isaac, the Flame Champion!” Oh my God. CAESAR JUST CALLED HIM HUGO, FOR SHIT’S SAKE. YOU HAD ONE JOB.

Dios and Sasarai recognize this as the “petty play” that it is–how could they not?–but Caesar sticks to his guns, and Apple chimes in with, “More than 50 years ago, there was a secret agreement between him and the top powers of Harmonia. An agreement of nonaggression!” Even Caesar doesn’t seem to be aware of this, but Apple too sticks to her guns. “Why do you think Harmonia hasn’t taken any of their endless chances to move troops into Grassland? It’s because of the secret agreement.” So she doesn’t actually know. Of course. To Sasarai, she adds, “Harmonia often makes such unwritten deals, do you not?” I’m so sure he would tell her if they did.

If he loved me, he wouldn’t hurt me like this.

Okay, two problems with this, other than the obvious problem that it relies on Apple being right about something. First, why would Sasarai give a rat fuck about some secret agreement that was made two decades before he was born? Even if the Flame Champion is alive and standing before him, what is he going to do if Harmonia invades, file a lawsuit? Second, Apple and Caesar are really giving the game away, here. Caesar is asking what proof Apple has, and Apple notes her “exhaustive research,” but if they were not bullshitting, wouldn’t the right play have been to tell Hugo to bring this up, since he was supposedly fucking there? Wouldn’t the actual Flame Champion be all, “It happened because I fucking say it happened”? I know this is a spur-of-the-moment plan, but there had to be five fucking minutes to talk this shit out.

Sigh.

And it doesn’t fucking matter, because Sasarai says, “There was such an agreement. But it is long past being valid. Or so I hear.” Well, that’s settled then. Glad we all had this talk. But Sasarai recognizes that it would be gauche, I guess, to go back on this “long past valid” agreement that barely anybody fucking knows about. He wants to confirm it with some Crystal Valley bureaucrats, Caesar wants them to pull the fuck out of Chisha while they do so, and Sasarai finally goes, “That depends on whether or not this boy can prove his identity.” Well, that’s that. Even Caesar is like, “We tried…” because clearly Hugo is not going to be able to conjure a flaming dragon out of the ether. But Hugo says, on the logic that he just has to stall for time, “My evidence will be the carcass of any one of your men. Choose one for battle!” Sasarai could easily respond, “No, I will only accept watching you cast a True Fire Rune spell.” Does he do this? What do you fucking think?

Sasarai is maddeningly game for this–more game than Caesar, who thinks Hugo has lost his goddamn mind–and asks Dios if he’s up for a duel. “Ah. Unfortunately, the sword I have today is just an ornament,” Dios says, sweaty panic all over his face. “It, um… It doesn’t have a blade.” Sure it doesn’t. Sasarai polls the rest of his men, all of whom are pretty sure Hugo is full of shit, but don’t exactly feel like risking it. “So much for volunteers,” Sasarai sighs. “I shall challenge you alone.” I mean, at least Hugo doesn’t have to fight Yuber–he’s proven that he would not be able to stall for time on that front–but Sasarai is still clearly a True Rune bearer. I mean, it’s not like runes get used in duels anyway, but just on general principle I would not want to fight someone who had one. Indeed, on the other side of that coin, Dios is all worried about his twink commander, just in case Hugo is not a fucking liar, but Sasarai tells him, “Why such concern? You don’t think this little brat can beat me, do you?” The fact that he doesn’t need to be putting himself at even minimal risk in the first place seems to not be a concern to Sasarai.

Sasarai asks the “wee Flame Champ” to prepare himself. “Or should I say ‘chump’?” he asks. No, you should not. Hugo is seriously put out by this “wee” business and snits that Sasarai is no “bigger” than he is. I’m not sure what penis size has to do with True Rune immortality, but it would explain a lot about PUGGY!!! having like six boyfriends even though he wears pointy-toed shoes. But I guess this is about age, because Sasarai hilariously goes on, “At least I look over 30. A minimum requirement for claiming to be the Flame Champion.” HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA no. No. Nooooooooope.

I am only captioning this so you can see those words come out of that face.

This does make me wonder exactly how that works. Is Sasarai implying that’s how old Isaac was when he acquired the rune? Or do True Rune bearers always mature to adulthood but then not grow old? And even if they do, why does maturing to adulthood mean you have to look at least 30? That’s not how it works. And all this is me actually taking at face value that Sasarai looks his actual age, which is still making me shake with laughter so hard I can barely type.

ANYWAY. Hugo tries to get into the part and snarls back, “I’ll show you what I’ve learned in my many years!” This is pretty adorable, you guys. It’s like watching kittens fight over yarn. The duel begins, and I am delighted to discover that Hugo’s Fury Rune affects his dueling prowess as well. For obvious reasons, I did not notice this against Yuber. Sasarai basically stands there and takes a beating, just to see how hard this fake Flame Champion can hit with the power of the red Skittle Caesar taped to his palm. Once he’s down to about half health, Sasarai decides to fight back, but it’s too little too late and he leaves himself open for a deathblow. OMG! This must mean Hugo is really the Flame Champion!!!

Somehow Sasarai does not go upside Dios’s head.

The duel ends, with Hugo still in battle stance like a douche, but Sasarai with his shoulders a bit slumped, as if he expended maybe a quarter of his energy. “Oops, that was getting dangerous,” he mutters. “I wouldn’t want you to have to carry me home, Dios.” If only he knew that is Dios’s deepest fantasy. As the two of them–seriously–muse about whether this means Hugo’s claim is legitimate, and I try to reach through my monitor to knock their heads together, a Harmonian creeper clone runs up to announce, “Sir! Karayan forces have appeared. Their numbers are far beyond standard reinforcements.” So that duel took up half a day? Did everyone take a 30-minute break between every scene and relax at the craft services table?

We’ve only seen one other festival in the game and it was in Zexen, but whatever! Grasslanders are HORRIBLE DRUNKS.

Dios and Sasarai agree to retreat. “You win, this time, little Flame Champion,” Sasarai says. “But before I go, do tell me your name.” I will be charitable and take this to mean Sasarai never took this idiocy seriously, and not that he wants to hear “Isaac” again. I will be similarly charitable to Hugo and assume he knows it’s fine to drop the pretense now that his mommy is here. “Hugo. Son of Lucia, the Karaya Clan Chief,” he replies. Everyone is being honest and not dumb. It only took, apparently, half a day. Sasarai makes a note of this boy who beat up on him while he basically did nothing but stand there, and he and Dios leave. CRISIS AVERTED. Good job, team! All we needed was for Sasarai to be willfully obtuse!

Once the Harmonians are gone, Hugo collapses to the dirt. “My heart almost leapt from my throat,” he gasps. I’m almost impressed that he held in a total panic attack all that time. Given that we had absolutely zero evidence up to this point that he has any kind of control of his emotions. A black screen allows the Karayan cavalry to arrive without animating them, and we pick up again with the group, plus Lucia and some Karayan and lizard randoms, congratulating Hugo on his achievement. Sarge adds, “From where I watched, you looked scared beyond words. Glad they didn’t pick up on that.” No, only you did, Sarge, because your soulmate’s face is an open book to you. (What is happening to me?)

Are we all ready for everyone to tell Hugo how much he has grown? His mommy Lucia tells Hugo she vacillated from worry at Luce’s news about where he’d gone, because Hugo is usually a sad little fuckup, to pride when she saw him defending Chisha. And granny Sana also tells him he should be proud. “You fought for our village,” she says. “Your strength, your will–these things you gave us.” And he doesn’t have to be a penis-measuring little brat about it, because Chris isn’t here! So that’s nice. And to celebrate how Hugo is now a MANLY GROWN-UP MAN, Sarge suggests a festival, so he and his boyfriend can get liquored up and just go to town on each other behind a wine barrel. Like mature responsible adults do.