Just to put a fucking cherry on this sundae, Hugo must choose whether to recruit Guillaume, which puts him and me in the unenviable position of choosing either to add a sex offender to Buttfuck’s ranks or to cast away the good ending. I would feel better about this if I knew Cogs were setting up some kind of registry, or that Frodo would at least consult Shabon about the decision to allow her revolting attacker to live next door. I will choose to hope that the stone tablets will eventually have “CHILD MOLESTER, BAD MAN” etched next to his name, and reluctantly have Hugo accept Guillaume’s services as an appraiser. Guillaume runs off immediately to set up his new shop, but not before shouting from behind a rock, “Leave it all to Guillaume! Ho ho ho ho!” Hugo jumps back a step as he watches Guillaume’s spear vigorously stab in his direction with an unsettling rattling noise. It’s like a perverted ghost is wagging its dick at him.

Well, that’s over. Let’s never discuss Guillaume again, okay? With his one shameful recruit taken care of, Hugo returns to the Great Hollow. As soon as they’re inside, Sarge asks, “So the story about Fire Bringer at [Buttfuck] Castle wasn’t true?” I’m glad he waited until now to clarify this. What if Lilly replied, “No, I totally saw them there,” and now they can’t return? Of course, Lilly saw no such thing, and again wonders what to do without any new leads, though she quickly cuts off Reed begging her to return to Tinto. But, she concedes, they do at least need to find some cash, and she agrees to hit up the Tinto caravan that is suddenly just hanging out at Ass Castle. She commands Hugo to wait for her to come back before leaving again, but she’s at least polite about it. She reminds him that they are now “travelmates,” and “Travelmates stick together, you know.” That’s actually pretty adorable.

‘We will leave alone those poser mainstream magicians.’

A Black Screen of a Whole Goddamn Week later, Sarge whines that Lilly has still not returned. “Anyway, we can’t waste much more time here,” he says. “It’s hard to be helpful like this. Clan Chief Lucia, Jimba, Beecham, the Lizard Clan fighters…with them gone, we’re useless here.” How is their usefulness in any way tied to whether Hugo’s mommy and a bunch of lizards are with them? Aren’t they useless regardless? Isn’t that why they were the perfect people to check out the stupid Fire Bringer rumor–nobody would miss them? Honestly, Sarge, don’t flatter yourself.

Naturally, even though Lilly told him to stay put, Hugo is free to leave, and even free to return to Buttfuck Castle, as long as we’re throwing common sense out the window. He takes advantage of this opportunity to appraise some items with the castle’s new, upstanding appraiser, and then walks south to Ass Castle. Hey, Lilly kind of implied she’d be there, right? There’s nothing dumb about this! He certainly shouldn’t worry about walking into the headquarters of the Zexen Knights or anything!

So Hugo and Sarge waltz all nonchalant-like into Ass Castle, and Sarge has the unmitigated gall to tell Hugo, “Don’t forget we’re fugitives here. Keep a low profile.” Oh sure, duck, you and Lucia’s love child with Guy Fieri should pull that off, no sweat. I get to make Hugo respond, “That’ll be harder for you than for me,” as he leers at Sarge’s supple duck butt. Sarge pretends to ignore this before wondering where Lilly might be. I hope she’s back at the Great Hollow, wondering where these two fucking idiots are. The rest of the game will consist of them trying to find each other again for the express purpose of Lilly paying Hugo the money she still owes him, because neither one has the True Cell Phone Rune.

Dat ass

At the other end of the courtyard, the two of them run into another duo, one even more conspicuous than they are. The first man, a knight named Mua with a hilarious Brooklynite handlebar mustache, is nagging the second man for not listening to him, so clearly they are old and married. The second, massive, muscular, deeply tan man is named Hallec, and he is nearly naked except for a polar bear pelt, a throwback to Fu Su Lu, though thanks to better graphics it is much more obvious that he is not literally a wild animal. Thanks to Mua’s well-timed complaining, we know that Hallec thinks the Flame Champion is in Zexen, and therefore thinks it’s a great idea to literally bust down Zexen’s front door and demand an audience.

Mua mansplains at length for his furry boyfriend that the Flame Champion would not be here in ironhead country. “He and his Fire Bringer protected the peace and beauty of the Grassland,” he drones. “This is…” Mua trails off as Hallec notices Hugo and Sarge, two probable Fire Bringers, obviously. He stalks over to them and has to stoop down to like half his height to look Sarge in the eye. Sarge wets himself, and Hallec stands back up. “You smell like…earth,” he says. Pee-soiled earth. “You smell like…good.” Hugo dubiously repeats back that last bit, again checking out Sarge’s ass. Have I been falling down on the shipping job? Do Hugo’s daddy issues extend to taking his surrogate duck father as a lover?

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Right when Hallec is telling Hugo he’s familiar with the smell of Karayans–and probably ready to breathily recite that that scent is freshly mowed grass, new parchment, and frosted douche hair–Mua runs back toward them, with a group of Zexen Knights headed by Bubba and Roland on his heels. Mua assumes they’re there for Hallec, since he is brown and therefore must be some kind of criminal, but they are probably coming for Hugo. I mean, he is also brown. Hugo chooses to flee instead of fight, just like Caesar would want, and Mua and Hallec follow them for no reason. Meanwhile, Roland holds Bubba back from pursuing, though, per Bubba, “Vile Grassies. They make my insides roil with bile. But you are right. For now.” I guess Bubba really finds the smell of mowed grass, new parchment, and frosted douche hair nauseating.

Just like that, once the group has escaped to the other side of the bridge, Mua and Hallec join the party. Hugo finally gets over this smell nonsense long enough to ask them if they’re also looking for the Flame Champion. “Let’s just say I wish to meet him,” Mua says. “Hallec comes for the sake of his own village. We met along the way and traveled here together.” Well, that clears up precisely nothing. On the other hand, I don’t know exactly why any of these people are looking for Isaac. Mua keeps expositing while they’re still within a stone’s throw of the Zexen Knights, “Many of my comrades in the Alliance of Free Knights [note: that sounds made up!] say the Flame Champion is immortal. If so, he is likely still in Grassland.” What if Isaac decided, as long as he was immortal, he didn’t want to spend eternity in this dump, and he’s currently living in the Island Nations, sipping drinks out of coconuts with Barry and PUGGY!!!? That’s what I’d be doing. Though Barry and PUGGY!!! would wish I weren’t there.

Hugo’s daddy issues take on a new wrinkle.

Mua and Hallec are fortuitous additions to the party not only because of their martial prowess–respectively, good and fucking awesome–but because Hallec is carrying a crab rice bowl, just the thing required to get Buttfuck Castle the boutique bistro of Frodo’s dreams. Crabs in, uh, hand, Hugo travels to Duck Village. Mamie is still in the loft of the appraiser’s shop, staring at the crates on the floor like one of them might have a moldy crab rice bowl inside. Though she’s never discussed her need for a crab rice bowl with Hugo, she thinks nothing of him offering her one, and asks if she can have it because she wants “to try something with it.” Is that something eating it? Or is she going to throw some chopped scallions and sriracha on top and call it “Mamie’s Crab Rice Special”? Hugo, unlike me, is unconcerned with culinary plagiarism and hands it over.

Mamie thanks Hugo, and then says without prompting, “By the way, did you know about Buttfuck Castle? I hear they’ll lend space to anyone, for a fee.” I think most places will do that. It’s called “renting.” But Hugo tells her he has indeed heard of it, and gives her probably terrible directions to get there. “…Okay… Hm… I got it,” Mamie says. Oh, she is so fucked. “I think I’ll go look for myself.” I like how she was obviously planning to go there anyway, but was just waiting around for someone to bring her free food. Then again maybe she got used to, per The Fault in Our Stars, “cancer kid perks” and thinks waiting around for free food and Disneyworld trips is just how things are done. Regardless, she thanks Hugo and takes off. Her restaurant already has 10 Yelp reviews.

At least the penis foods are outnumbering the vagina foods.

After yet more dicking around back at Buttfuck, Hugo returns to the Great Hollow. I would say he is still looking for Lilly, but now she’d have to leave Wingus and Dingus behind if she wants to keep traveling with him. Plus she’s still not here anyway. Instead of Lilly, Hugo finds Apple, cowering, in a bizarre full-body wiggling motion, as three lizards menace her with their spears. NOT LIKE THAT. Oh my God, no. When she sees Hugo and Sarge, however, she drops all pretense of fright and white-girl waves at them.

Hugo and his entourage approach, and now that Apple has their attention she starts wiggling her ass again. It’s unnerving. Sarge asks her if something has happened, and at no point do he or Hugo ask why she and Caesar weren’t waiting in Duck Village like they said. Just like Lilly did not return to the Great Hollow OR appear at Ass Castle, Apple and Caesar never bother with Duck Village. Anyway, Apple groans, still undulating, “The Chisha Village is in trouble! I had to go for help!” She looks so forcefully like Shion at this moment that I’m almost physically overcome with the urge to punch her.

Once Sarge is done chiding her for wandering into the Great Hollow “dressed like that,” by which I suppose he means “like a human,” Apple explains that Harmonian forces have arrived at Chisha Village, which is on the eastern edge of the Grasslands. “Caesar’s there now,” she adds, “but I don’t know if he can save them without help.” This is because Chisha is the home of Sana’s pacifist pussy Safir clan, though it is still probably less helpless than Buttfuck Castle. Apple secures Hugo’s help in this endeavor, but he and Sarge think it’s important to tell Luce where they’re going first. What are they, eight?

It turns out, Sarge wants to tell Luce about it so she can alert Lucia and Well-Endowed Dupa once they return, since “the Lizard Fighters here can’t go without the order.” I was just wondering why Apple would want the help of whatever random assholes Hugo could muster, rather than the might of the Lizard Clan, so thanks for clearing that up? Luce is on it, but she wonders why Hugo needs to go so soon. This is mostly an excuse to flesh out why the fuck Hugo is doing any of the shit he’s doing, a long overdue bit of shoehorned character work. “While tracking the Flame Champion,” he tells her, holding his hand to his heart like a tool, “I made a decision. I want to protect a place and people like the Flame Champion did. That is why I must meet Isaac in person. Somehow, I have the feeling that going to the Chisha Village will bring me closer to him.” Hey, I didn’t say it would be an adequate explanation. But it’s good enough for Luce, who probably never heard anything a quarter that profound from her dipshit dead son. She envelops Hugo in a crushing bear hug and intones, “May my Hugo walk with the divine protection of the earth and wind spirits.” She tells him that was on Lucia’s behalf, but she’s also obviously, and sweetly, mothering Hugo in lieu of said dipshit dead kid. Poor, poor Luce. She finishes, “Go now, Hugo, and be safe! Don’t give your mother a reason to cry like me.” It makes me sad that she’s this broken up over such a shitty kid.

Luce also tells Hugo that he’s a hero just like his mom, in case we all get to chapter four and go, “But nobody ever told Hugo he could be a hero! Clearly he can’t have this responsibility.” Whew! A black screen later, Sarge is all verklempt at the idea of his lover babysitting charge becoming a hero. Of course, Hugo is still an immature teenager and whines, “I knew I shouldn’t have said it in front of everyone…” OMG, everyone knows he has broadly drawn ambitions! HOW EMBARRASSING. Sarge tries to reassure Hugo that he agrees with Luce, but Hugo just thinks he’s being a sarcastic dick. Where on earth could he have gotten that impression, other than the entire game? But enough of this–it’s time to go to Chisha. Apple asks the group to follow her, the foreigner who’s been there once, because she knows the quickest route. Yeah, I’m sure the two native Grasslanders really need her expert navigation.