Though the Liberation Army only has 6865 troops to Kwanzaa’s army’s nice round 9000, it’s a short battle. Luc uses his Wind Rune to blow away (get it?!) Kwanzaa’s shitty army. Wait, Luc called it the Wind Rune instead of the (SPOILER!!!!!) True Wind Rune! What?! Surely this should net several pages of discussion on the forums. Clearly, lazy game design could not be responsible for this discrepancy. And let’s not even get back into the golem thing from earlier.

Final Fantasy Tactics has competition.

Anyway, after another couple of rounds, one of which involves me running out of thief characters and having to use my own psychic abilities to predict the enemy’s next move, a gigantic shiny “Congratulations” sign appears on the screen as PUGGY!!! jerks his staff up and down. In case that and the “Imperial Army: 0” indicator didn’t clue me in, Mathiu announces, “Congratulations! We won!” But oh no! Kwanzaa still has an ace up his sleeve — the Burning Mirror. Whatever will PUGGY!!! do now? If only there were someone who PUGGY!!! had convinced to destroy the Burning Mirror, perhaps with some sort of cannon or something.

………..??

We see some pointless screens of Kwanzaa walking over to the Burning Mirror, mounted somewhere on his castle. The mirror, not Kwanzaa. The images, they burn. Kwanzaa announces his intentions a second time, making sure to laugh evilly in order to really drive the point home. Cut to the main characters and some Liberation Army clones approaching the front gate of the castle. “Dammit. [Kwanzaa]’s planning to use the Burning Mirror,” Valeria announces, entering the Captain Obvious Competition for this particular recap. She must have escaped somewhere offscreen. Mathiu suddenly freaks out, screeching at everyone to scatter in order to cut down on casualties. Now hold on a second, here. The Burning Mirror is, at most, twelve feet tall and seven or eight feet wide. I realize that it’s a Super Technological Dwarf Invention and all, but according to John, a mirror that size might be able to burn one person badly. I can see how it might start a giant forest fire because trees are flammable and shit, but it’s not like the thing is going to put out a huge beam of death that can fry an entire army. But there I go, letting logic get in the way of “creativity” and “imagination.”

So Kwanzaa’s about to fire off this extremely terrifying and lethal mirror when the White Screen of Lazy Animators flashes once and suddenly the mirror’s glass is in pieces. Kwanzaa is all, “What the fuck?” Or, since this is Suikoden, “What the fuck………..?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!” Cut back to our heroes. A familiar short figure wearing a blue cape and horned helmet appears. It’s our buddy the Dwarf Chief with an important message for Kwanzaa regarding the consequences of stealing. “See the power of our Windfire Cannon!” Dwarf Chief announces phallicly. Apparently, he decided against building the Firewind Cannon. The storyline has come full circle at last. See, kids, what you can do when you heal racial tensions and bring everyone together? Yeah, me neither.

Now that that’s been resolved, Bear decides it’s time to “take [Kwanzaa]’s head.” And I’m going to assume, for the well-being of my stomach contents, that he’s talking about the one above Kwanzaa’s neck. I have absolutely no say whatsoever in my party, so PUGGY!!! gets stuck with Gremio, Bear, Valeria, Linkolas, and Kurofuckingmimi. I guess it could be worse. Just humor me.

Shit, he is?!

PUGGY!!!’s party, due to a lack of foresight on his (and not my) part, has a shortage of healing items. So I trek to the Dwarf Village to take care of business. Yes, that means I have to go through the entire Trail of Vomit as well. Several irritating minutes later, PUGGY!!! returns to the castle, where Kwanzaa Rosman presumably waits patiently for his upcoming defeat.

Well, that’s what the Liberation Army specializes in.

There is nothing remotely revolutionary about Pannu Yakuta castle’s design. The only thing worth noting is that for some reason Kwanzaa got his own freaking castle while General Teo got stuck with a dinky little house. Just think of the male harem Teo could have had with all that room. The castle appears to be completely abandoned — no collection of pretty young men for Kwanzaa, strangely. Unless you count the pantsless soldiers that randomly attack PUGGY!!!. And why wouldn’t you?

After exploring the castle thoroughly, hoping to find Kwanzaa’s inevitable hidden stash of gay porn, PUGGY!!! stumbles instead upon a maid who offers to let him rest. This is the game designers’ kind way of allowing me to restore my health, so I feel like a bit of an asshole for ripping on it, but shit, where the hell did that come from? I mean, what caused this woman to stay when everyone else (save the pantsless soldiers) has left? What event in her undoubtedly captivating backstory encouraged her to heal the enemy of her employer? Or is she just a desperate woman searching for the one straight guy in this land of buttlovin’? If it’s the latter, it looks like she’ll have to continue her search. Poor lady.

There isn’t much else of note in the castle. PUGGY!!! finishes up his looting, fights some more random battles against fucked-up things, then heads to the upper balcony to have it out with Kwanzaa once and for all. Unfortunately, Kwanzaa has left a little present behind in the throne room. And I’m not talking about a pile of shit, although that would be an instance of character development we haven’t seen before. Actually, it’s that most unoriginal of RPG creatures, the dragon. In fact, this isn’t any particular variation of dragon, like the zombie dragon or even a non-dragon. Nope, this one is just “Dragon.” To add to the lack of creativity, it’s also shaped like a penis.

Now, I’m not exactly the most strategic Suikoden player in the world, particularly when I take long breaks in between playing sessions. So I suddenly realize that I don’t have, like, any runes equipped on people except those with default runes. This makes at least half of my party completely pointless. Act shocked. Plus, I spent so much money sharpening Pahn’s stupid weapon for an upcoming battle for no reason whatsoever that everyone else got shafted like Squall in the locker room. So imagine my surprise when I actually make the dragon my bitch. Verdict: dragon is easiest boss ever.

A door behind — where else? — the throne leads to the balcony with Kwanzaa and the sad, broken mirror. Right away, Kwanzaa recognizes PUGGY!!! as Teo’s son. “Teo’s boy a rebel leader, eh? Don’t expect me to pull punches,” he threatens. PUGGY!!!’s not too scared. He remembers this guy as a weepy drunk from his dad’s parties and knows that he’s all talk. “They once called me [Kwanzaa] the Insurmountable, and I shall again become the wall that protects Emperor [Assarosa],” he blahs. I’m still stuck on the “Insurmountable” part. I just have this image of Kwanzaa being extremely bitter over being designated the Imperial Generals’ Bitch (whenever Milich wasn’t in town, of course) and making up this nickname for himself. Because hee — “mount.”

Well, whatever the case, Kwanzaa has declared himself the Emperor’s ass shield, so it’s PUGGY!!!’s turn to take this guy down a peg or two. “See the power of the Black Rune that Lady Windy has given me!” Kwanzaa declares before attacking PUGGY!!! like one of those small yippy pee dogs. Obviously, Kwanzaa’s statement is extremely ambiguous and difficult to comprehend. Hopefully they will help us remember this Black Rune and the fact that Lady Windy bestowed it upon him by repeating these facts fifty zillion more times.

You don’t have to ask PUGGY!!! twice.

But first, the battle! This is Suikoden’s first instance of a one-on-one battle. Sam has already described these in her Suikoden II recaps, and they aren’t really any different here. But I’ll go over it anyway for those of you just joining us. It’s pretty much another rock-paper-scissors deal using three types of attacks. To supposedly keep this from being completely random, Kwanzaa yells something dramatic before each turn that gives a “hint” as to what his choice will be. Maybe it’s the translation, or maybe I’m just not on the same wavelength as this completely fictional video game character, but I can’t always figure out the difference between an Attack statement and a Desperate Attack statement. Even with this handicap, PUGGY!!! still manages to prove that full armor and a bladed weapon are no match for a colorful outfit and a stick.

Kwanzaa manages to not be a total assmonkey about losing, although he is confused that “Lady Windy’s Black Rune” did not come through for him. I wouldn’t be surprised if Lady Windy told him to close his eyes and then just drew a rune on his hand with a black sharpie. The other party members emerge from PUGGY!!!, thumbs fresh out of their asses. Kuromimi walks up to Kwanzaa and tries to be all threatening, ordering him to return all the Kobolds to “normal,” whatever that is. “Kobold? Why are you still sane? The Black Rune…” Kwanzaa trails off. Wait a second, where did this “Black Rune” stuff come from all of a sudden?

Kwanzaa immediately starts screaming as his right arm begins flashing and glowing. What on earth could possibly cause such an effect? Does he have something attached to his right hand, perhaps something that someone gave him? I’m a little lost, here. Gremio stupidly wonders what’s happening. “I’m not sure. Something to do with a Black Rune, I think he said,” Bear replies. Please, PLEASE let that be sarcasm. Christ on a corncob. More screaming and carrying on from Kwanzaa as the White Screen of Lazy Animators cuts to him passed out on the ground. PUGGY!!! approaches him, causing Kwanzaa to sit up. He’s all confused and disoriented, like me after a session of Xenogears.

Kuromimi and Linkolas charge forward, ready to attempt revenge with their shitty battle skills. Kwanzaa calmly responds that he deserves it, blahdeblahomgmartyr. Gremio of all people notices a change in the formerly cocky and arrogant general. Wait, could it be that something was controlling him and now is not? What could that be? Maybe someone gave him someth…okay, I’ll stop. Kwanzaa requests that PUGGY!!! act as executioner so that he can die like a man. Well, doing anything like a man would be a first for a Suikoden character.

An important choice takes place here. PUGGY!!! can choose to take revenge for all those awesome Elves and Kobolds, or he can spare Kwanzaa. Kwanzaa is one of the 108 Stars of Destiny, which I need to collect in order to earn the good ending, so you do the math. When PUGGY!!! pauses, Kwanzaa has a sudden multiple personality moment: “What are you waiting for? Lop off his head. I’m impatient.” By this time, both Gremio and Kuromimi have figured out what’s going on here. And in case you didn’t, you sad, pathetic creature, I’ll spell it out for you — Windy was controlling Kwanzaa through the Black Rune that she gave him because she’s eeeeeeeeeevil. When Kwanzaa explains this concept (now calling it the “burnt rune”), Bear wonders, “The Rune?” Still sarcasm, right? Right?

“This was the Black Rune. It was given to me by Lady Windy. It gave me power over monsters,” Kwanzaa mentions. You know what I think?

DURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Cait Sith on a choo choo train, these people are fucking idiots. God damn. So anyway, Kwanzaa is worried that Assarosa is blinded by Windy’s sex appeal and giant ponytail and doesn’t know that she is eeeeeeeeevil. But that doesn’t matter, as Kwanzaa is still on that whole dying kick. Again with the choice. PUGGY!!! needs to balance out all of that estrogen in Penis Castle, so he wonders if Kwanzaa will join his Army of Man Loving. The promise of hot buttsex day and night is not good enough to convince Kwanzaa to betray his assfaced Emperor. Bear surprisingly shows some intelligence by pointing out that Emperor Assarosa is “a different man from the one [Kwanzaa] knew 7 years ago.” Considering that Kwanzaa just said that he’s served Assarosa for ten years, that would mean that Assarosa was only himself for three of those years. The Black Rune that Windy gave Kwanzaa must have kept him from noticing. See, I’m paying attention.

This statement is apparently enough to get rid of Kwanzaa’s doubts, though I think with the buttsex stuff, he was kind of leaning toward joining PUGGY!!!’s army anyway. He does the typical “I’m still technically on the other side, but I’ll join you because….hey, look over there!” thing that is yet another Suikoden trademark. Shades of gray and all that.

Cut to the front entrance of the castle, where Mathiu sits on his useless ass. Okay, so he came through for PUGGY!!! a couple of scenes ago, but come on, he’s been standing outside the castle doing nothing — you think I’m not going to comment on that? Yeah, yeah, not a fighter, leave me alone. Mathiu congratulates PUGGY!!! on winning his first army battle and collecting his first Imperial General. So far, so good. Then everything goes to hell as two Kobolds — one male, one female — enter the screen and make straight for Kuromimi. In a sad turn of events, this is Kuromimi’s family. And this may come as a shock, but Kuromimi is a total mama’s boy. He even calls her “Mommy.” Yeah. Kuromimi isn’t just a regular irritating Kobold — he’s the basement-dwelling fanboy Kobold. Though to be fair, at least he got out and made an attempt to help his people instead of sitting downstairs jackin’ it to his Faye Valentine poster.

The Kobold not wearing a pink dress is Kuromimi’s brother. Well, I’m assuming he’s not the one in the pink dress. This is Suikoden, where the men are women and the women are men. Whatever the case, the whole purpose of this “touching” and completely random reunion is to show that without the Black Rune which — all together now — Windy gave to Kwanzaa, the Kobolds are all better. Hooray! Oh joy, oh rapture! That’s just my guess as to what I might say if I cared.