The last recap covered a lot of bases, what with PUGGY!!! becoming the leader of the Liberation Army, recruiting Mathiu, beating that asshole Tai Ho at The Game That Shall Not Be Named, and arriving at the phallic Toran Castle. Unfortunately, PUGGY!!! and his friends have not cleared the bad boss monster out of the castle just yet.

I decide to wind back through the caves and build levels a bit for no reason whatsoever, certainly not because I already tried and failed to defeat the boss. The monsters in the cave are just the sort of crack-induced creations that we’ve learned to expect from game designers. There are phallic-necked snails, ghostly suits of armor, and my personal favorite, something that looks like a mix between a fish, a bird, and a lizard, complete with bug legs and a pitchfork. Yes, a pitchfork. And after all that, the protector of the cave is none other than that most rare of RPG staples — a giant dragon. A zombie dragon, no less.

I’m so glad that the dragon has attacks that hit the whole party, while I’m stuck with losers like Tai Ho and Camille, and PUGGY!!!’s true rune is completely useless against bosses at this point. I feel so tough and powerful. After the battle, Camille gives advice for the ages: “That’s what you get for acting big even after you’re dead.” I wonder how Auron would take that comment? At this point, the fog around the area dissipates, causing Cleo to say, “Looks like this one was creating the fog.” With towering intellect such as this, it’s no surprise that PUGGY!!!’s Liberation Army is going to be quite formidable.

Now that the castle is cleared of baddies, Viktor suggests giving it a name. PUGGY!!! discards the suggestions of “Dragon Castle”, “White Castle” (har, har), and PUGGY!!! castle in favor of something much more fitting: Penis Castle. Gremio likes that suggestion a lot. “Very slick, Gremio,” Viktor comments after our favorite flamingly gay servant gushes his appreciation for it. Wow, that sounded really wrong.

Cut to the inside of one of the many similar-looking rooms in the castle. The whole gang is there, including the wussy bastards who stayed out of the fighting. Mathiu practically pees himself with excitement, proclaiming this day the “New Liberation Army’s Founding Day.” Geez, all they did was defeat a stupid dragon. Of course this is just an excuse to throw a party. Camille whines about her money until Tai Ho tells her to shut up. You know you’re a real wanker if Tai Ho tells you to cram it.

At that point, a white light signals Lady Leknaat’s teleportation into the chamber. That’s got to be a useful talent, particularly for getting to see people naked. She comes bearing gifts, one of which is a big stone slab for PUGGY!!! to carve the names of his current and future companions on. Wow, thanks for that big chunk of rock. She tells PUGGY!!! to go out and recruit people for the New Liberation Army. It’s interesting that Leknaat gives such a shit about the Liberation Army when she’s currently doing astrological stuff for the Imperials. But whatever. The other “gift” that Leknaat brings is her apprentice, Luc. My guess is that she needed to get rid of him and his arrogant little ‘tude for a little while. After spouting some more profound-sounding stuff, Leknaat disappears. Gremio makes a comment that basically reiterates what I said about Leknaat’s reasons for foisting Luc off on them. I’m surprised he’s so pissy — you’d think he’d jump at the chance to have another pretty boy around the castle. Of course, maybe he’s worried that Luc will be competition.

Mathiu suggests that PUGGY!!! start his search for recruits in the town of Kouan. Specifically, he mentions a man by the name of Lepant. Cut to the next morning, where Gremio runs into PUGGY!!!’s room (interestingly, Cleo is already there). He suggests that PUGGY!!! find out more about this Lepant guy from Mathiu. Gremio is excited because the name “Lepant” is similar to “De-pants” and that’s what Gremio wants to do to PUGGY!!!. PUGGY!!! walks down the hall to Mathiu’s room which is quite a bit bigger than PUGGY!!!’s shitty little room. Thanks, Mathiu. Mathiu explains that Lepant will be sure to join up with them if PUGGY!!! drops Mathiu’s name to him, and at this point, Viktor and Cleo insist on joining the fun (and of course, Gremio is already in the party). I choose Tai Ho and Camille as the other two party members because I have such a vast choice of fighters. I would bring Luc, but he’s about as useful as Yuna in physical combat.

I expected this of Gremio, but not Mathiu.

PUGGY!!! boards the boat and sails east to the town of Kaku. Not that I have pleasant memories of that place or anything; I’m just trying to recruit people. The first stop is the tavern, where Sergei the elevator guy tells his life story to everyone who stops by. One change from before is that PUGGY!!!, after talking to him, gets to choose between “Recruit” and “Don’t Recruit.” I still haven’t figured out why he would not want to recruit anyone. Well, of course some of them are scary freaks, but still, I want the good ending. Sergei is so thrilled that anyone would be interested in his invention that he practically kisses PUGGY!!!’s feet. Then he heads off on his own to somehow get to Penis Castle.

After that, PUGGY!!! heads southeast to Great Forest. Someone in the town mentions something about elves living beyond the forest, which should make Legolas-obsessed Mary Sue writers very happy. In the blacksmith’s shop, a young blacksmith named Maas expresses a strong desire to “straighten out people’s minds” by joining the Liberation Army. PUGGY!!! humors him by letting him think he’ll be able to do so, when in reality, he’ll just be sharpening weapons. Putz. A drunk-looking guy named Sansuke also joins. He’s an expert on baths, something that a winning army always needs.

The next stop is Seika, where PUGGY!!! recruits Marie, the innkeeper. She says, “Really? You own a castle now?” like it’s the most usual thing in the world. In another house, a “woman” named Onil, who insists that “she” knows everything, also joins PUGGY!!!’s army. You know, some actual fighters might come in handy some time, or this is going to be the shittiest army ever.

Of course she does.

Finally, PUGGY!!! stops farting around and gets his ass to Kouan, a city with a spiky wall around it. I know I feel welcome. At the inn, another child-molestor-looking guy named Krin tells PUGGY!!! that it won’t be easy to get into Lepant’s pants house, but that he, Krin, has a better idea. Well, I know I usually listen to the advice of creepy little guys I’ve never met before. While he’s in the inn, PUGGY!!! also tries to recruit a chick named Lorelai, but she turns him down, calling him and his companions “weaklings.” Touché.

There’s a guarded building in the northeast area of town. This one doesn’t belong to Lepant, but instead to an Imperial commander. This guy is apparently a jerkwad, as is indicated by the opinions of various random townspeople. Lepant’s house is toward the west, and is guarded by a deformed drunken troll named Giovanni. He informs them that his master is busy, and when Viktor asks when he’ll be free, Giovanni basically tells him that it will be a cold day in hell before Lepant is available. Defeated by this ugly bastard, PUGGY!!! and the others slink back to the inn.