Just a day in the life of a young man named PUGGY!!!. On his way to meet with someone who will deliver the plans for making fire spears to some guy at a secret factory, PUGGY!!! and his friends get poisoned in an inn on top of a mountain by some guy who ends up becoming their friend because some guy with a mullet threatened to do unspeakable things to him.

So now you’re caught up. PUGGY!!! and the rest of the crew leave the inn and walk down the other side of the mountain. “Walking down the mountain” in this 2D game involves continuing to walk up and then mysteriously appearing on the world map.

In the town of Sarady, to the north, Odessa announces, “We’re supposed to meet a messenger from the secret factory at an inn in this town. Where could it be?” Since this town is a) Podunk and b) in an RPG, it’s a pretty safe bet that there is only one inn and that it will take me less than ten seconds to find. Gremio shares my opinion. Sure enough, the inn is one of three buildings in the town that you can enter — and it’s the closest building to the entrance of the town. Phew. That was tough.

Isn’t that kind of a personal question to ask someone you’ve never met before?

Inside the inn, Odessa suggests that they rent rooms and wait for the messenger. It’s decisions like that that make her such a wise leader. So they, uh, rent rooms and wait for the messenger.

Nightfall is signaled once again by the sound of crickets chirping and owls hooting. PUGGY!!! wakes up only to find that everyone else is asleep except for Odessa, who is standing out on the conveniently-constructed porch. How handy that such a thing was built, allowing Odessa and PUGGY!!! to have a quasi-“moment”.

Some sappy music starts playing as we get the “Oh, you can’t sleep either?” speech. Odessa needs to pour her heart out to someone, and who better than the guy who is the son of one of the opposing army’s generals? “Kessler of Mt. Tigerwolf, Flik, Humphrey, [Dirty] Sanchez–they all expect so much of me,” she says. “But sometimes I feel like running away. I’m not sure I’m worthy of their hopes.” PUGGY!!! just stands there, wondering why the hell she’s spilling her guts, and wondering if Gremio is going to try to sneak into his bed later. “What do you plan to do? Will you return to the Empire?” Odessa wonders. I choose “I don’t understand” for PUGGY!!!’s response. This is Odessa’s cue to basically guilt trip PUGGY!!!. She doesn’t come right out and say “I think you should join the Liberation Army”. Instead she’s all, “You know right from wrong and you’ve seen all the terrible things the Empire has done because it’s evil and bad and I know that you’ll make the right decision because if you make the wrong decision that means you’re evil and bad, too”. Actually she uses the word “sin”, like suddenly she’s turned into a bible beater.

PUGGY!!! is now wondering what Ted was going to tell him earlier and also just what Gremio puts in his special stew to make it so special. “You’re strange,” Odessa tells him, as if we hadn’t figured that out already. “I feel compassion when I’m with you.” What, does she feel hatred toward everyone else? “I suppose Viktor brought you to us because he felt that special quality in you,” she continues. Cripes, I must’ve missed that particular scene. “There are many in the Liberation Army. Humphrey, [Dirty] Sanchez, Mose…and Flik…” Yup, that’s a whole four people, six if you count Viktor and Odessa herself. I think someone’s thinking is a tad bit wishful if such a number qualifies as “many”. “…but nobody has eyes like yours. Eyes that draw people to you. Many people…If I should ever…” PUGGY!!! begins to wonder why this strange woman is looking at him like Gremio often does when he thinks PUGGY!!! can’t see him.

But before Odessa can finish her sentence, which was either going to be morbid or a come-on, the music stops, surprising them both. “Who is it?!” Odessa says. Why, it’s the messenger, of course, come to collect the plans for the fire spears. His name is Kage and he’s a ninja, of course. Why are all ninjas named Shadow or the Japanese equivalent? Just once, I’d like some secretive ninja dude to be named “Shiny” or “Sparkles”. Odessa tries to trick Kage with some cockamamie story involving Mose and some pigeons, but he doesn’t fall for it, so he’s legit. Odessa gives him the fire spear blueprints and is all dramatic about it, informing him that the Liberation Army’s future depends on the spears. Kage just wants to get the hell out of there — he’s a ninja, he doesn’t give a fuck about the why of the matter. After he leaves, Odessa suggests that she and PUGGY!!! go to bed. Perhaps she meant they should go to bed together, but PUGGY!!! totally misses the hint because he’s obsessively craving Gremio’s stew. It’s been way too long since he last had a mouthful. Poor PUGGY!!! goes to bed without getting any action at all.

Thanks for the TMI, Odessa.

In the morning, Viktor is surprised to hear that the job is already finished. Odessa is all “Yup, we took care of it last night, didn’t we, PUGGY!!!?” Cleo says, “Come to think of it, Young Master’s bed was empty in the middle of the night.” So what was she doing checking on PUGGY!!! in the night? Holy Jebus, is Teo’s entire household trying to get into PUGGY!!!’s pants?! Gremio is visibly shaken. “Y-y-young M-m-mast-ter,” he quivers, “what were you up to? Something you can’t tell me?” Odessa just gives him a smug look, causing Gremio to fly into a jealous rage, and the whole scene erupts into one of those Jerry Springer hair-pulling, obscenity-screaming fights. Oh, how I wish I wrote the game.

“Come, let’s go, PUGGY!!!” Odessa says before PUGGY!!! can explain to Gremio that it’s all a misunderstanding. “Y-y-young M-m-mast-ter,” Gremio sobs, unable to contain his grief and jealousy. “Let’s go, Gremio,” Cleo sighs.

The party has to go all the way back to the Liberation Army headquarters. The game designers were mean and didn’t do an auto-plot-point-teleport thing, so poor PUGGY!!! (read: me) has to walk all the way over Mt. Tigerwolf again. At least this gives Gremio a chance to cool off. Then, PUGGY!!! (read: me) gets everyone lost and they wander around the world map for what could possibly be called an eternity.

Situations that look and sound quite wrong until you read the whole sentence.

Back in the Keyaki Inn where the HQ is located, Odessa finds the innkeeper lying on the ground, presumably injured. He says that the Imperials attacked the hideout. Well, shit. Odessa runs off to her doom. Oops, I gave that away too soon. Let me try again. Odessa runs off to…um…..see what’s going on. Yeah. Gremio suggests that they follow her. They do.

As soon as they enter the sewer hideout, they are attacked by Imperials, who are no match for PUGGY!!! and his gang of bitches. After another “exciting” battle, a scream echoes through the hideout. Oh no, it’s Odessa! Something bad happened! (Bet you didn’t see that one coming.) PUGGY!!! and the others rush to her aid, but it’s too late. “You can come out now,” Odessa says after the Imperials are defeated, and a child roughly the size of Odessa herself emerges from under her cloak. Even though not a single other Liberation Army soul is to be found in the sewer, there just happened to be a child there (why is there a kid in the Liberation Army anyway?), allowing Odessa to sacrifice herself. She tells the kid to run, and he does, probably wondering why he didn’t think of that before. Then it’s time for the big dramatic death scene.

Near death, Odessa still manages to make PUGGY!!! her bitch.

The “This is really fucking sad” music starts playing as everyone stands around, staring sadly at Odessa. At least, I think they’re staring sadly at her — it’s kind of hard to read the facial expressions on the sprites. Gremio could have a lustful look in his eye over PUGGY!!! for all we know. Viktor is all “No! The Liberation Army can’t go on without you!” And Odessa replies, “It appears…I’ve chosen to be a woman…rather than commander of…the Liberation Army.” I’m not sure, but it seems to me that they could have worded that to make it a little less…well, lame. I guess that just goes to show you what happens when you let a woman be in charge. She’ll just revert back to her natural state — taking care of babies. Because that’s what all of us chicks automatically do. “I couldn’t let that child die. I’m a failure…as a leader…” Then there’s the usual, “Don’t talk, you’ll be all right” stuff that normally accompanies a drawn-out death scene, and now it’s time for the final requests.

Odessa has two requests. One is that PUGGY!!! take one of her earrings to a guy named Mathiu who lives in a village called Seika. The other request is to throw her body into the nasty sewer stream. “What? But why? I can’t do such a horrible thing,” Gremio butts in. Hey, she wasn’t talking to you, mister. PUGGY!!! agrees because he knows what’s going on. Odessa explains that if the members of the Liberation Army find out that she’s dead, they won’t be able to go on. This could go so wrong so quickly, but this game isn’t called “Weekend at Odessa’s”, so I’m not too worried.