As I continue catching up on games I haven’t recapped in over a year, I find myself at that gayest of sprite-based games, Suikoden. However, the last year has taught me two very important things about this game — PUGGY!!! does not actually have a ponytail as I originally thought. The dark thing hanging out the back of his bandana is actually one of the two bandana ends — this one purple to go fabulously with the lime green one. So by eliminating one gay feature, we gain another one. Therefore, the gay quotient has not changed — you may all rest easy. The other item of interest is that the amusingly great tea in Lenankamp is not truly tea, but instead booze. I’m not sure if this is a discrepancy on the part of the translators or if Viktor was making a lameass joke. Either way, one mystery is solved.
Last time, PUGGY!!! obtained his very own phallic castle and proceeded to recruit all manner of completely useless shitheads for his army. The only potentially decent recruit, a manly man named Lepant, required a bit more than the usual “Hey, baby, wanna join my army?” But he, too, fell to PUGGY!!!’s silent charms, along with his hot piece of ass, Eileen. Oh, then some random assassin tried to — you guessed it — assassinate PUGGY!!!. So, all in all, some serious shit went down.
Unfortunately, I have some technical difficulties with the mpg file I’m recapping from (it’s a long story involving a computer rebuild and rabbits…yeah, let’s move on), so I have no sound for this recap. That means any scene appropriate (or inappropriate) music and boingy sound effects are lost to the sands of time. Luckily for you, I will use my creative skills to fill in audio cues that I feel would be fitting for the scene.
We join PUGGY!!! at Marie’s crappy little inn within Penis Castle, a room containing five beds and the front desk. Accompanied by some 70’s style porno music, PUGGY!!! explores every contour and crevice of Penis Castle. To PUGGY!!!’s great dismay, the penis isn’t too impressive at this point, but he does find a corridor off the eastern side of the shaft that leads to another, smaller penis tower. PUGGY!!! thinks that it would be cool to have his very own tower, tiny or no, and wonders what he could do to commandeer it for his bedroom. Just imagine all the tail he could get then! Unfortunately for PUGGY!!!, someone else already had the same idea, and apparently quarters are given out first-come-first-served in Penis Castle, rather than by who outranks whom. Because that bastard Lepant decided that his impressive sword entitled him to his very own tower bedroom. He even managed to cart in a bookshelf and a suit of armor. Fucker.
Lepant smugly says that he’s happy as a clam to be in PUGGY!!!’s army, and together they’ll kick the assface Imperials’ asses. PUGGY!!! just gives him a look like he’s not fooled by Lepant’s buddy act, but says nothing. He continues on his rounds, still a little bitter. But PUGGY!!! can take a wee bit of solace in the fact that Lepant’s penis bedroom isn’t that much bigger than his own.
Since PUGGY!!! has developed an obsession with getting every random asshole in all the land into his army (and not because I missed some characters in my last round of recruiting), he decides to take another little trip through the local villages. As soon as he steps out the front door of the castle, he finds a sorry sight, one which puts a crimp in his plans. A gay green-clad elf lies on the dock, half-dead. His flaming red hair sets him apart from other gay green-clad elves such as Link and Legolas, but not enough for me to resist naming him Linkolas.
Linkolas moans erotically, inevitably piquing the interest of Gremio. The music throbs even more rhythmically, throwing in some extra waka-chikas for effect. Gremio notes that Linkolas swam all the way to Penis Castle. This makes me bitter, because I had to go through all that Tai Ho shit to get a boat, which is apparently unnecessary. Of course Gremio is all, “Let’s get you out of those wet clothes, mister.” With that, the Black Screen of Lazy Animators brings us to PUGGY!!!’s miniscule bedchamber. The entire McDohl household plus Mathiu attends to Linkolas’s girly ass, which is now firmly ensconced in PUGGY!!!’s bed. No. Comment. Gremio makes sure to inform us all that actually seeing an elf is as rare as Squall needing Viagra in the presence of Seifer. And the swimming thing is ultra-weird, too, for an elf. Because, as we know, elves like forests and trees and that kind of shit, not lakes and rivers. Unless they’re water elves. Which they’re not in this case, because that would require some sort of creativity on the part of the game designers.
While Linkolas remains in his TurtleNinja coma, Mathiu intelligently surmises that something must have happened to him. PUGGY!!! thanks the gods that he managed to snag this magnificently intuitive individual as his army strategist. Linkolas, undoubtedly affected by the powerful brain waves emanating from the others in the room, tosses and turns (sprite faces left, sprite faces right, sprite faces center) before waking up.
To a porno guitar sound effect, Linkolas moans and groans some more before deciding that he must have survived his ordeal. Yes! Another rocket scientist for the PUGGY!!! Army! “I heard through the wind, and came,” Linkolas murmurs, to show that he, as an elf, is totally in tune with nature. A little too in tune, if the result is any indication. He’s looking for the Liberation Army, and he’s in luck. Gremio makes sure to tell him the name of the castle as well, hoping that perhaps Linkolas will figure out from the name the…um…spirit of the place. Gremio feels a slight twinge of guilt for hitting on this fruity elf when his beloved PUGGY!!! is right there, but hey, this is a once-in-a-lifetime chance.
Linkolas asks to speak to Lady Odessa. Sudden uncomfortable silence. Gremio in particular lets out a string of unconvincing ellipses. But Mathiu quickly rescues the situation by explaining that PUGGY!!! is their acting leader while Odessa is…busy. Yeah, busy. That’s it. Linkolas, bless his clueless heart, notices nothing amiss. He begs PUGGY!!! to help them. Gremio is all, “Help who?” For some reason, no one whips out a clue-by-four and beats him over the head with it. “The Great Imperial General Kwanda Rosman is planning to exterminate us elves,” Linkolas exposits in detail, in case we missed the earlier exposition regarding who the fuck Kwanda Rosman is. Also, Kwanda is now Kwanzaa, because that’s what I think of every time I read his name.
Now that Linkolas has cleared up the gigantic mystery of who needs help, he implores PUGGY!!! to lend him the “power” of the Liberation Army. More uncomfortable silence. PUGGY!!! quickly tries to think of a way to make a gay blacksmith, a penis-obsessed vault owner, a not-so-sweet transvestite gossip, a drunken bathmaster, etc. seem like a convincing army. Baffled, he simply answers, “Uh…sure…..” to Linkolas’s request. “Wait, Commander PUGGY!!!. Our present forces don’t amount to much,” Mathiu understates, making frantic throat-slashing gestures at PUGGY!!!. “Even with the old Liberation Army’s survivors and Varkas’ bandits, we still only amount to a few hundred men.” I guess all those guys must be hiding somewhere in the dungeon, as I only see the few people I recruited around the castle. Whatever, Mathiu. No matter how delusional he is, he at least realizes that sending this lame bunch against the Imperials at this point would only lead to Bad Things.
They’re sending out Gremio and Linkolas. Somehow, I don’t think ‘intelligence’ enters into the equation.
Obviously, Gremio has developed a hard soft spot for the elves, and doesn’t want them to die horribly. Mathiu assures him that his potential harem will not be wiped out on his watch. “Our only strength is the hope that people see in us. That we must never betray,” Mathiu blahs. This sappy garbage translates to “send out a reconnaissance mission to gather intelligence” which in turn translates to “send out a six-member party to blunder into important plot points.” “Our next step can wait,” Mathiu finishes, which is good, because he hasn’t pulled step two out of his ass yet. But step three is profit.
Linkolas is desperate and dumb, so he’s willing to settle for this lame compromise. He agrees to lead the party to his elusive village, which the Imperials have somehow discovered. “Young Master, no matter who says what, I’m going,” Gremio says defensively, trying to make it look like it’s all about helping his bandana-clad lovetoy instead of about diving headfirst into a sea of hot girly elves. So I have three slots left to fill…so to speak. It doesn’t matter who I choose because I’m going to have to change it in a little bit anyway. But Pahn is definitely a permanent party member from this point on, not because he needs to be buffed up for a difficult battle in the future, but because…hey, I don’t need to explain my reasoning to you guys.
After mucking around with the awesome inventory and equipment system for way too fucking long, and then receiving a quick weapon-sharpening from the blacksmith, the party finally leaves Penis Castle. At the docks, Linkolas explains that his village is located somewhere past the Great Forest, which itself is located near Forest Village. I would never have guessed. So to Forest Village they must go.
I couldn’t have said it any better myself.
But Commander PUGGY!!! is fickle. Perhaps he’s jealous over Gremio’s obvious interest in the elves, or perhaps he simply has a Pokemon-style collecting obsession. Either way, he has some recruiting to do, and no life-or-death crisis is going to get in his way. As Suikoden Porn in D Major plays in the background, some clone in the lakeside village (Kaku?) gushes over how “cool” the new castle name is. PUGGY!!! takes note of this opinion as well as the man’s modern slang, and winks at him invitingly, letting him know he’s welcome at Penis Castle anytime.
Onto the Fortress of Kwaba. PUGGY!!! presses his luck by returning to the place where his father’s buddy recognized him. But he just can’t pass up the chance to recruit Chandler the Item Peddler into his mighty army. “I’ll Be There For You” drones in the background as PUGGY!!! promises Chandler a place to sell all the illegal herbs his heart desires as long as he doesn’t bring Ross or Rachel within a hundred miles of his precious stone wang.
On his way back, PUGGY!!! stops in Seika to talk to Antonio the Chef yet again. The guy still whines about needing a place where he can open his very own restaurant. Even though the castle needs a cook far more than it needs a vault keeper, a gossip, or a freaking bathhouse, PUGGY!!! can’t recruit this guy until his innkeeper, Marie, asks for some help around the kitchen. So it’s back to Penis Castle for a little chat with her. And by “little chat,” I mean that PUGGY!!! must talk to Marie a virtual buttload of times, enduring the same piece of dialogue over and over and over, until she eventually asks for a cook.
I’m not sure if the request happens randomly, or if PUGGY!!! has to talk to her a set number of times. Either way, it could potentially take the majority of the game to trigger it, if the player doesn’t know to talk to Marie repeatedly. But this makes no sense, as Marie basically says that she just opened her inn and she needs someone to cook for her. I guess I shouldn’t complain, because I get the absolutely essential Antonio into Penis Castle that much earlier. Whatever.
Antonio practically humps PUGGY!!!’s leg when the lad informs him that Marie needs someone to cook for the band of tards. He leaves right away so that he can get started making his shark intestine pies and squid penis ice cream. Allez Cuisine!
At a nearby table, a young woman named Sheena hits on an innocent village clone woman. Sheena’s character portrait indicates that she has a stereotypical bulldyke haircut (not the mullet, the other one) accessorized with a pair of earrings. She uses her family’s wealth as an incentive for the clone to “come and play with [her].” The clone doesn’t know whether or not to believe her, but Sheena insists that it’s completely true: “I’m the son of Lepant of Kouan. Bet you’ve heard of him.” Waaaait a minute. Hold the phone here. Sheena’s a guy? No way. No. I refuse to believe it. I know this game is famous for its non-manly men, but this is ridiculous. The earrings. And the name Sheena. This is so not a guy.