Suikoden
Part 1
"I hate you and I hate your ass face."
PUGGY!!! McDohl is the son of a great general, and is well on his way to following in his father’s footsteps. Of course, his father’s footsteps are sometimes a bit too close to PUGGY!!!’s own, as the game designers didn’t really figure personal space into some of their animations.
Part 2
"My dad’s gonna be pissed when he gets home."
PUGGY!!! and the others start out on a mission for the Empire, but end up on the run after some wacky hijinks involving the “Cursed Rune”. Next thing you know, they’re consorting with the rebels — although Gremio is there to constantly remind us that they are still Imperials. Whatever.
Part 3
"I hate Chinchirorin."
Odessa dies because she’s not the main character, and thus cannot remain the leader of the Liberation Army. That job falls to….guess who? The fact that Odessa seemed to have a bit of a “thing” for him had nothing to do with the promotion, I’m sure.
Part 4
"It’s all about Gremio."
PUGGY!!! gains the use of his new castle, and goes out to gather as many recruits as he can. Meanwhile, the crew is united with a number of old acquaintances, some good, some bad. And Gremio makes sure that all the drama is about him even when it’s not.
Part 5
"Elves, Dwarves, and Kobolds, oh shit!"
PUGGY!!! gets his first taste of diversity as he meets some of the other races in Suikoden land. Unfortunately, he learns that sometimes racism is okay, as elves, dwarves, and kobolds are all assholes. Or morons. Or moronic assholes. And PUGGY!!! must fetch quest his ass off to save them all. See my tears of joy.
Part 6
"I caught an Imperial General!"
PUGGY!!! defeats Kwanzaa Rosman, wrapping up the scintillating Burning Mirror storyline as well as adding another member to his collection. And by member, I of course mean penis. Unfortunately, a whole slew of less useful characters join as well. Flik makes his return, pissy and insecure as usual. Will Bear be able to calm him down? Read and find out!
Part 7
"Ride my dragon, baby."
Amidst a frenzy of recruitment, PUGGY!!! and company attempt to find an antidote for Milich’s venomously poisonous roses. Their only hope is Liukan, an old geezer who becomes the object of a glorified and horrendously time-wasting fetch quest. And all the new recruits are ugly or women. Lame!
Part 8
"How to overload the gaydar."
In order to rescue the hilariously kidnapped Liukan, PUGGY!!! and the others must infiltrate Soniere prison, a supposedly high security fortress. Five minutes of forgery from a pair of criminals gains them entry, and it only gets easier from there. Unfortunately, we are subjected to an overdramatic Gremio death scene, but the game makes up for it by sending the party to Milich’s gorgeous Scarleticia Castle. Shit, if I weren’t already a 12-year-old gay boy, just playing that part of the game would turn me homosexual.
Part 9
"PUGGY!!! is so grounded."
Teo has finally decided to face off against his traitorous son. Unfortunately for the Lubrication Army, Teo brought a whole slew of armored velociraptors and guys with pointy things. Whereas the Lubrication Army has…shop owners and guys with minigames. PUGGY!!! must find a secret weapon to defeat his dad’s troops. Or, he could just let other characters come up with a plan. Hey, he’s been doing their dirty work for this entire fucking game — it’s his turn to slack off.
Part 10
"So…about PUGGY!!!’s inheritance…"
PUGGY!!! must obtain Fire Spears (remember those?) and new army recruits before he fights Teo’s army again. Guess which one of those is much more helpful to his cause? I’ll give you a hint: he recruits a phonologist, a laundress, a chef, and a minigame guy. That’s right, the Fire Spears. Afterward, PUGGY!!! and Teo fight one-on-one and then…well, let’s just say that PUGGY!!!’s not going to be welcome at McDohl family reunions for quite a while.
Part 11
"Boys who like girls."
PUGGY!!! is in for his scariest adventure yet when he stumbles upon a fortress containing graves that have been mysteriously dug up. Actually, the desecration of the dead is the least scariest part of the adventure. Imagine his horror when PUGGY!!! encounters a village full of heterosexuals, plus a vampire who is also a heterosexual (despite his taste in clothing). Pure nightmare fodder.
Part 12
"PUGGY!!!’s gotta get back in time."
PUGGY!!! and pals waste no time finding the magical, vampire-killing sword that they learned about at the very end of the last recap. Little do they know that the sword has other convenient wizard powers, so they soon find themselves traveling 300 years into the past just in time to see Ted’s life turn shitty. All I can say is at least this flashback was shorter than the one in FFVII. Like that’s saying much.