It’s always funny to look back at earlier recaps and see how badly I was freaking out over not updating a recap for over a year. Gasp! Like all the other recaps in my let’s-play-catch-up queue, this puppy has not been updated in over three years. This is such old news, it’s not even worth mentioning, but it’s going to come up when PUGGY!!! stumbles around like a crack-smoking imbecile, almost as if he’s been in suspended animation for three whole years. I might as well get it out of the way now.
In the last installment, PUGGY!!! and his powerful forces defeated Teo McDohl’s Velociraptor Army of Doom. Soon after, PUGGY!!! was forced to beat his father to death with his wooden staff, but at least he got a pair of sexy matching knights and a new spell out of the deal. Most of us would just get a prison sentence. Now PUGGY!!!’s brain is fuzzy with grief, so when he finds himself standing at the counter in the Penis Castle Inn, he decides to ride the elevator up to the fourth floor. He remembers that’s where Mathiu is, and Mathiu is the guy who does all the thinking and decision-making for him. It looks like his underlings have still failed to decorate this completely drab war room, so right now, there are a bunch of people standing around a big empty chamber. Booooring. The core Lubrication Army members and Mathiu are there, along with Kasumi (yuck) and Lepant (tower-stealing asshole).
PUGGY!!! selectively filters out everything but the last sentence.
I hate myself for saying this, but a round of Talk to Everyone is definitely in order. Flik tells PUGGY!!!, out of the blue (GET IT?!), “Beyond the Fortress of Lorimar lies the Warriors’ Village, where I was born.” Frankly, PUGGY!!! gives a shit about neither of those things, but little does he know that this exposition is somewhat related to his upcoming actions. Dirty Sanchez informs PUGGY!!! that the Fortress of Lorimar contains only 4000 Imperial troops at present. Hey, PUGGY!!! has way more than that! Now that the Fortress of Lorimar has been mentioned twice, it’s safe to assume that it’s PUGGY!!!’s next destination. Well, who is he to argue? Surely not the leader of the Lubrication Army or anything like that.
Talking to that jerk Lepant triggers the bouncing “Hi-Ho, Battle Plans!” music, and PUGGY!!! feels himself getting swept up in spite of his crabbiness. Well, until Lepant has to painstakingly detail their current situation. Even with his brain issues, PUGGY!!! remembers that they defeated both Kwanzaa Rosman and the Flower General. Not to mention he already knows the Lubrication Army is getting bigger. He couldn’t forget all his recruitment efforts even if he wanted to. Which he does. Get on with it, Lepant. “Meanwhile, insurgencies are breaking out all over the land, and the Imperial Army has its hands full.” PUGGY!!! would quite like to have his hands full of sexy man-meat, but that’s not going to happen as long as Lepant blathers on. Mathiu’s all, “Yeah, they’re rebelling because they heard Teo is dead!” Thanks for bringing that up, Mathiu. Ass. The Empire is collecting the dregs of their forces from all over — I imagine this consists of bathmakers, gossip whores, minigame masters, and the like — which means security is spread thin at some locations. Lepant also thinks it’s a swell idea to collect these other rebels in Pokeballs for the Lubrication Army. Awesome. Guess who’s going to end up doing that?
Their first destination, as you might have guessed, is Lorimar. According to Kasumi, the aforementioned 4000 troops have up and left the fortress. “The Fortress of Lorimar, gateway to the region, is poorly protected,” Dirty Sanchez basically repeats what Kasumi just said. It’s like they need to give every character a piece of dialogue, but there isn’t enough unique information to go around. “…I agree,” Humphrey adds, proving my point. PUGGY!!! gets his token choice, and since he just saved, he decides it’s as good a time as any to go capture the fortress. It’s not like he had anything else scheduled today. “Lorimar, eh? Been a while…” Flik mutters. PUGGY!!! just shoots him a look. Flik so wants someone to ask him about his past, but PUGGY!!! is not in the mood to oblige his passive-aggressive behavior. Thankfully, everyone else ignores him, too.
Hee — ‘pulling out.’
The gang, consisting of PUGGY!!!, Bear, Flik, Mathiu, Kasumi, and Cleo (for some reason), teleports right to the outside of the fortress. It looks like your basic stone castle wall with a gate. “That’s strange. No answer at all,” Flik comments. What, did they ring the doorbell? Cleo intelligently wonders if the silence might indicate some sort of trap, and Mathiu sends cannon fodder Kasumi in to check it out. PUGGY!!!’s not really the bloodthirsty type, but he wouldn’t be too broken up if Kasumi did stumble into some sort of deadly ambush. Then maybe she would stop ogling him and trying to get in his yellow pants. Kasumi quickly scales the walls — at least, that’s what I think that animation was trying to convey — and walks offscreen. Exactly three seconds later, she returns to the gate, opens it, and declares the place deserted. Okay, maybe I can buy the two-second wall scaling, but come on. PUGGY!!! is suspicious that Kasumi didn’t do a thorough scouting job, but no one else seems the least bit concerned. Hoping he doesn’t stumble into some sort of booby trap (something with the word “boob” in it can only be bad), PUGGY!!! walks through the gate. But he does so after a Black Screen of Party Disappearance, so it’s likely that he let everyone precede him into the fortress. Good thinking, PUGGY!!!.
The most notable feature of the fortress grounds is the desecrated graveyard, located just inside the gate. Each gravestone has an empty hole in front of it. The stone coffin with its lid lying next to it also has an empty hole in front of it, just to make them all match. There is no non-disturbing interpretation to this scenario. The best we can hope for is a non-sexual grave robbing incident. Bear, Mathiu, and Cleo appear from different directions and approach PUGGY!!!. “Something’s very wrong here,” states Mathiu, the Captain Obvious for this recap. “Before we advance any farther, we should scout the place.” Well, what the hell have they been doing? Does PUGGY!!! have to take care of everything around here? Bear has already been forced into PUGGY!!!’s party at this point, and Cleo also feels the need to participate in the adventure. But instead of just saying, “Hey, I’ll go with you!” she has to spend several boxes of dialogue explaining her lame reasons for wanting to come along, like not wanting Pahn to “upstage” her. The game designers obviously felt the need to rationalize her forced presence in my party, and PUGGY!!!’s the one who has to suffer. PUGGY!!! gets to choose the rest of his party now, and it’s fun to scroll through six pages of names to find three people who won’t get them all killed. He finally decides on Pahn, Flik, and Hellion’s rune. Cleo will just have to deal with the possibility of Pahn upstaging her now — a very real possibility since he’s the only one whose weapons don’t suck.
Seriously, why the hole in front of the empty stone coffin?
After the party has been assembled, Bear says, and I quote, “This is quite a mystery. What fun.” Yes, a mass grave robbing is quite the “fun” “mystery.” PUGGY!!! is going to hope that Bear was being sarcastic. The last thing PUGGY!!! needs is a serial killer or necrophiliac at Penis Castle. It’s bad enough there are girls. Mathiu announces his intention to return to the castle, advising the scouting party to be careful. See, PUGGY!!! thought he was supposed to be reckless and get himself killed. Speaking of getting himself killed, PUGGY!!! has no idea if his armor will be sufficient for the upcoming trials, but it doesn’t matter because he’s still fucking broke. He’s not in the mood for level building and bit collecting, so PUGGY!!! decides to take his chances.
PUGGY!!! would like to forget too, but you assholes keep reminding him.
The south exit to the fortress is just offscreen. It turns out that Lorimar is a dinky little square of land surrounded by walls. No wonder Kasumi managed to scout the whole thing in less than five seconds. Seriously, there’s nothing in there except a graveyard and a bunch of pillars. I’m sure the Imperials are just crying over losing this place. After stepping onto the map screen, PUGGY!!! feels his True Strategy Rune start pinging and he has the sudden urge to return to the fortress he just left. In the last five seconds, a random person popped into existence right in the middle of the graveyard. Perhaps such a magical individual would be a valuable addition to the army. But when PUGGY!!! talks to the guy wearing the bright yellow cloak, he immediately wishes he hadn’t. First of all, the guy is most likely not hot, although his spiky mop of hair would not be out of place on an effeminate male video game character. That’s not the worst part, though. This guy, right off the bat, announces, “My job is cutting off the heads of criminals. But as you can see, business has been slow lately.” I don’t really know what to make of that last sentence — how would PUGGY!!! be able to tell that? Because there are only, like, ten graves in the whole place? Because they’ve been dug up? PUGGY!!! really wants more than anything to return to the world map and forget the last 30 seconds of his life, but once again, the severe lack of sexy masculinity in his phallic castle makes him yearn for Gremio’s hot stew. The only way he’s getting any of that down his throat is to collect the whole list of motherfuckers on that stone tablet.
When PUGGY!!! makes his first reluctant attempt to recruit the executioner (named Kirke), he’s met with some resistance. Kirke is all, “Um, you realize that I don’t bring anything to the table except decapitations, right?” Now the usual recruitment options change to “Still recruit” or “Change mind.” PUGGY!!! is unwavering in his desire for creamy stew, so he again chooses the first option. That’s all it takes to persuade Kirke to join. Maybe the presence of such a person will strike some fear into the hearts of the more annoying personalities at the castle. Plus, he might be a nice guy, even though he’s an executioner.
Because when I hear ‘Grave Master,’ I think of a green cyclops robot golem monster.
With his army one random asshole richer, PUGGY!!! heads south to the next closest village, where he hopes to find out more about the mysterious desecrator. Well, let’s be honest, he doesn’t hope that at all, but maybe there are some hotties just ripe for recruitment. It is the Warriors’ Village after all, and warriors can be buff men wielding swords, right? Hell, Flik came from the village and he’s not hideous to look at even if he is a bit of a douchecanoe. Upon entering the village, PUGGY!!! finds a pair of portrait people having a heated discussion in the middle of the town. The young man of the pair, Hix, appears to be just the type of pretty boy PUGGY!!! has been searching for. Yeah, he’s got that dorky 80s headband like Flik wears, but PUGGY!!! with his own flamboyant headgear decides he’s not going to judge.
Hix is currently begging a red-headed girl dressed as a shepherdess not to leave. Well, this can’t be good — but maybe she’s his sister or something and he’s just concerned about her in a familial manner. The girl, Tengaar, is determined to go, but Hix warns her that she’ll get “eaten.” Probably not in this game, if you follow me. “Can you protect me, then? Can you? Why, your sword isn’t even named yet,” Tengaar taunts. Apparently, not having a named sword in this village is like not having a fairy in the Kokiri village. PUGGY!!! decides he would be willing to name Hix’s sword. Like that. Hix then starts stammering like a pussy, basically admitting that other, more studlier men will be able to protect her better than he can. PUGGY!!! is not impressed by his wussiness, but hey, he can’t blame the guy’s lack of enthusiasm for protecting a woman. Tengaar just rolls her eyes at him, adding, “Besides, all that talk of bloodsucking might just be rumors.” Now, we all know that nothing in a video game is just a rumor, which means there’s a God damn vampire around here somewhere. PUGGY!!!’s ears perk up, hoping that Robert Pattinson is hiding out in a fabulous gothic castle nearby, and that there will be some sucking involved (as opposed to the kind of sucking normally associated with the Twilight series). Tengaar even says something along these lines — she doesn’t want to stay in this dump when she can go live in a castle with a vampire hottie. Even if he does sneak into her room to watch her sleep. Hix is all, “Say what!”
They’re all bad in PUGGY!!!’s mind.
Suddenly, a man wearing a bright green jumpsuit and bright red cloak comes running out to chastise her for her shitty taste in books and for going outside. “What if Neclord shows up!” this man, Zorak, screams at Tengaar. Oh hell. There go PUGGY!!!’s dreams of sparkly vampire action. At this point it’s impossible to play dumb about Neclord because Sam has already recapped his return in Suikoden II. So about three years before he showed up in the abandoned castle to play with his organ and terrorize little girls, he apparently showed up in the vicinity of the Warriors’ Village to terrorize little girls. I may as well go ahead and use Sam’s nickname, The Count, just so you don’t get confused and think there’s more than one vampire going around sucking on girls. That’s enough to give PUGGY!!! a lifetime of nightmares.
You’ll also remember that Bear has an unfortunate past with The Count, so as soon as he hears what Zorak said, he gets right up in the guy’s face, giving Zorak the third degree. Well, his dialogue indicates he’s questioning Zorak, but Bear’s sprite is standing in front of Hix. “Who are you people?” Zorak says to the big angry man having a hissy fit. Bear’s all, “I’m asking the questions here!” It’s very tense, and Cleo wonders what the hell crawled up Bear’s ass and died. She obviously didn’t read Sam’s recap, or she’d be in the know. Hix, oddly enough, recognizes the group as members of the Lubrication Army. He explains that he saw them attack the Phallus Palace, and I’m not well-versed in my Suikoden geography, so I don’t know if that’s even near the Warriors’ Village, or if Hix spent some time vacationing at Milich’s fabulous pink homo home. At the very least, he was close enough to see and remember PUGGY!!! and the others. “I’ve seen this bear-like man too,” Hix adds. Oh, here comes the comedy gold. “Bear?” says — hee — Bear. Hix becomes scared that Bear might not like being considered a bear in either sense of the word, so he starts falling all over himself and stammering again. I’m kind of getting the idea that he might be a little bit into bears (in the non-animal sense of the word) and being near Bear is making him all flustered.