Okay, I know you guys are sick of reading jokes, comments, and excuses regarding the lateness of my recaps, but I have to share this story with you because it’s so very pathetic and you’ll get to point and laugh at me. Back in November 2009, I wrote three rough drafts of recaps, each of which could be split in half. I then edited and posted three of those half-recaps. If you have the ability to perform basic math, then you should know that means the last recap I posted, which was Suikoden Part 11, was only the first half of my Suikoden recap. In other words, it took me over a year to post the second half of something I had already written. That deserves a gold medal in the Procrastination Olympics for sure.
In the last recap, PUGGY!!! discovered a village full of heterosexuals (though he’s not giving up on the possibility of converting at least one of them), as well as Bear’s undying — yet previously unmentioned — hatred of The Count, a disappointingly unsexy vampire. The Count, like everyone in the Hetero Warrior[‘s’s’s’] Village, appears to enjoy the vagina, and proved this by kidnapping the village leader’s underage daughter as his nonconsensual bride. Everything in this entire scenario was deeply disturbing to PUGGY!!!
After PUGGY!!! got roped into a rescue mission for the yucky girl, he learned that the secret vampire-destroying weapon which may or may not exist may or may not be located at Qlon Temple. Qlon Temple is close enough that PUGGY!!! doesn’t even run into a single random battle on the way there. As soon as he enters the temple screen, PUGGY!!! is immediately overcome with a feeling of peace. That could be the meditative soundtrack, though. Whoever designed this place sure likes water, as they made sure to place overflowing fountains roughly every five feet, and a clear blue stream surrounds the entire temple. PUGGY!!! makes a mental note to do some playful swimming and splashing with hunky young men here at some later point. The group enters the temple proper, where they are greeted by a bald man with a unibrow. His name is Fukien (now Fuckien, because it’s so close), and the most prominent feature on his character portrait, even more so than the baldness and unibrow, is his necklace made out of large red balls. In my imagination, this accessory is the Suikoden equivalent of the hanky code. I haven’t invented all the meanings yet, but I’m guessing that Fuckien is either into pearl necklaces or teabagging.
“I was expecting your arrival, Starmaster,” he greets PUGGY!!!. At first I thought that said “stairmaster.” Has Fuckien noticed that PUGGY!!!’s been working out? “Starmaster? What’s that? Do you know PUGGY!!!?” Bear interrupts the zen moment. Either Fuckien has psychic priest powers, or he’s buddies with Leknaat, because he knows all about that 108 Stars shit. Well, PUGGY!!! wishes someone would fill him in on it. Preferably someone without a reverb filter attached to their voice. Bear doesn’t believe in all that new age mumbo-jumbo, which prompts Fuckien to show off his powers by listing the star names for both Bear and Cleo. Only he uses the English translations rather than the original Japanese/Chinese terms from the stone tablet. Everyone knows that Japanese is way superior to English, so Fuckien just lost a ton of fanboy cred. He probably says “ann-i-may” instead of “ah-nee-may” too. Loser.
For all any of these people know, Fuckien could just be making up the names of stars in order to sound like he knows what he’s talking about. Either way, Bear doesn’t really care about all this (and let’s face it, neither does PUGGY!!!). Bear’s all ready to launch into their reason for visiting the temple, when Fuckien reveals that he already knows their purpose: “You’ve come here to find out how to destroy [The Count] the Vampire. Correct?” Zorak probably called his cell phone before they arrived. Fuckien is totally hoping that everyone will make a huge deal over the accuracy of his psychic prediction (and maybe PUGGY!!! will agree to some pearl necklace and/or teabagging action with him), but Cleo is all, “Okay, so tell us how to kill The Count.” Fuckien would rather show than tell, unlike most of the other talky buttholes in this game. He leads the group to the back of the property, where he stops at what looks like a red informational board similar to something you’d find at a campground filled with notices about how not to get killed by the local wildlife. It’s possible I’m not interpreting the sprite graphics properly. “This is the entrance to the Cave of the Past. What you are looking for is in there,” Fuckien says in what he hopes is a mystical way. The red informational board is currently blocking the entrance, which prompts Bear to ask in a snide way why Fuckien didn’t just open the cave before they arrived if he’s so God damn psychic.
An army of hot, naked dudes?
Fuckien, ignoring Bear’s sarcastic question, says, “Master PUGGY!!!, much awaits you in the cave. You must be ready to accept it all.” Like PUGGY!!! hasn’t heard that last sentence about a thousand times before, verbatim. After warning them to be careful — seriously, is PUGGY!!! coming across as a total reckless moron here? — Fuckien removes the info board and steps to the side. Although PUGGY!!! can barely resist the fulfilling adventure that no doubt awaits him in this cave dungeon, he has some other business to take care of first. Now that he’s in a new physical area, a whole smorgasbord of new recruitable folks has opened up to him, and he’s going to dig right in. First, he focuses his efforts inside the temple proper, since Fuckien accosted him before he could even explore the place. In a back room, he meets a man with a black ponytail down past his butt and squinty Brock eyes. Again, I can’t tell from the sprite, but it’s very possible this person is both young enough and fuckable enough for PUGGY!!!. He’s certainly PUGGY!!!’s best prospect in quite a while, assuming he’s not a sick lady-lover like Hix. This guy, Morgan, has barely introduced himself to PUGGY!!! when he starts complimenting the Lubrication Army leader on his deep, sexy voice. So far, so good. He expresses his disappointment that he can’t see PUGGY!!!’s undoubtedly attractive face. “Oh, excuse me, I’ve been blind since birth. But in fact I see better than others,” he explains. So for once, the Brock eyes are for real, and not just a weird character design. PUGGY!!! can even forgive him for this sob story because it took him a few text screens to get to it, rather than coming right out with, “Hi, I’m Morgan, and I’m blind. Here’s my entire tragic backstory explaining why.”
By “I see better than others,” Morgan is clearly saying, “I don’t fumble around in the sack like some guys who aren’t blind. I know where things are.” Recruit! To make things even better, he doesn’t require anything from PUGGY!!! to join — no special item, no fetch quest, no specific number of recruits. This guy is awesome. Before he heads (no pun intended) to Penis Castle, he declares himself “in [PUGGY!!!]’s hands.” Take that, Soul Eater! Something happened to PUGGY!!! that wasn’t horrible and soul-scarring! But then Morgan is gone and PUGGY!!!’s still smack dab in the middle of that stupid plotline where he has to find a way to kill The Count. Damn it.
In the other back corner of the temple, PUGGY!!! finds the library which consists of two bookshelves. The man in charge of this impressive repository of knowledge is named Hugo, not to be confused with the other Suikoland Hugo, who won’t even be born for at least a few years. Unlike that hot piece of jailbait, this Hugo is distinctly unattractive. Unless you consider a bowl cut, opaque glasses, and a pornstache attractive. He’s also currently looking for something called the War Scroll. He politely wonders if PUGGY!!! (whom he addresses as “brother,” so at least he’s not trying to hit on him) has seen it. Obviously, we know PUGGY!!! has to find this item in order to recruit Hugo, because no one else in this game ever finds anything for anyone, but at least Hugo isn’t all demanding about it. He even offers to “repay” PUGGY!!! if he finds it. Hopefully not in sexual favors, although after the horrific shock of the village full of straight dudes, PUGGY!!!’s not feeling extremely picky. PUGGY!!! has not yet seen anything that seems like it would be the War Scroll, so he makes a mental note of it in case he comes across it in his extensive travels.
Well, shit, I really wanted to explore this tiny room with nothing in it.
If PUGGY!!! had thought to bring his collected flower seeds (of the blue, yellow, and red variety) along with him, he wouldn’t have to make a quick stop back at Penis Castle right now. His True Strategy Rune neglected to give him the heads-up on this. So he heads on up to his favorite place, the castle vault, to pick up the f’ing seeds. When he finally returns to Qlon Temple, PUGGY!!! marches straight to the back of the area, just a few steps to the right of the cave entrance. Here, a man in a straw hat plows a small square of dirt. I imagine that if PUGGY!!! had bothered to speak to him before placing the seeds in his inventory, the man, Zen (get it?!) would have shared his dream of growing lots of pretty, pretty flowers. Since I already have the seeds in my inventory, Zen basically plucks them right out of PUGGY!!!’s sack without even asking first. “Good, good, now I can finish my work here,” he says without even a thank-you. PUGGY!!! didn’t spend his hard-earned bits on those flower seeds so that this asshole could plant them in the boonies — he wants Penis Castle to be covered in seas of beautiful blossoms that make Milich swoon.
It does not look like this guy is farming.
Also, you’ve probably realized now just how dumb I was for searching the castle for Whiteman to give him the flower seeds. Excuse me for getting mixed up between two guys with straw hats and hoes who like to plant stuff. I guess I just don’t count as a Suikofan if I don’t remember each individual throwaway character. PUGGY!!! has to talk to Zen a second time in order to actually recruit him, and he doesn’t even get a choice. Zen just says, “So now I’m a member of your party.” Oh, I don’t think so. PUGGY!!! orders him to Penis Castle, and when PUGGY!!! returns, the walls had better be dripping with flowers. PUGGY!!! follows Zen back to Penis Castle just to make sure he doesn’t waste time with unnecessary detours.
Remember way back in Part 7 when PUGGY!!! encountered an androgynous person named Quincy on the bridge at Garan? And Quincy wouldn’t join up unless PUGGY!!! had more useless douches in his army? Well, now PUGGY!!! has more useless douches than Quincy could ever hope for. It’s time for Quincy to make good on his/her offer and join up already. “All right, I’m in. And betting on the [Lubrication] Army. Glad to be of service,” he/she says, as if he/she will be doing more than standing around and acting as cannon fodder during army battles. PUGGY!!! never bothered to consult his True Strategy Rune on this person, so tragically, he never finds out that Quincy is actually an effeminate 15-year-old guy. Oh, what could have been.
After that, it’s back to Penis Castle again. PUGGY!!! is actually getting sick of his phallic home. Since he’s exhausted every possible recruitment mission at the moment, he has no choice but to continue into the Cave of the Past. He kind of hopes “the Past” refers to the part of his life where Gremio was still alive and he spent all day every day with his mouth full of stew. That would be nice. Instead, he finds out it’s just another boring brown stone cave full of winding passageways. The only bright side to this yawn of a dungeon is that PUGGY!!! and his companions gain about a bazillion levels after their first battle with a trio of beige golems — seriously, PUGGY!!! goes from level 36 to level 40 in just that one battle. God, how I wish you could gain levels that quickly in Pokémon. The monsters drop a ton of bits, too. Maybe after a few dozen battles, PUGGY!!! might be able to afford a single upgrade to his weapon.
This is so not what PUGGY!!! meant when he said he wanted to spend time with a trio of rock-hard men.
As soon as Linkolas reaches his 40th level as well, PUGGY!!! heads right back out the door. First stop — you’ll never guess — Penis Freaking Castle. God. It only gets worse. PUGGY!!! soldiers on, determined to get through the next recruitment so he can dump Linkolas back at the castle like a cheap unused whore. He teleports to the Burnt Village of the Elves, then hikes all the way to the stupid Kobold Village. He could have gone the rest of his life without returning there. A green-haired elf is hanging out in the inn. If I’m interpreting his sprite correctly, he’s wearing shoulder armor over a bare chest and ass-hugging bike shorts. That would be so hot if he weren’t an elf, PUGGY!!! decides.
The elf’s name is Rubi. Not only is “Ruby” a girl’s name, but it’s even girlier spelled with an “i”. Rubi and Linkolas recognize each other — there’s a big surprise — and Rubi wants to know why Linkolas is hanging out with filthy humans. There are a million non-annoying ways that Linkolas could answer this question truthfully, but instead he chooses to explain thusly: “I’m in the [Lubrication] Army now. But not to avenge myself for having my village taken away. There are many, both humans and elves, suffering because of the Imperial Army. I want to help them.” Like any reasonable individual, Rubi thinks Linkolas sounds like a total tool. I start to reconsider my dislike of elves in this game, but then Rubi has to ruin everything by asking Linkolas a second time why he’s helping the humans. For cripes sakes.
Here we go again. “Elves, humans, it doesn’t really matter. We were all born in this land. At least I feel that way. I’m doing this for everybody, for friends, and not for vengeance!” You just know he does a snap on that last part. Also, does it seem overly suspicious to anyone else that he’s denied the vengeance thing twice without even being prompted? It’s like all those deeply-closeted Republican politicians who can’t shut up about how much the gay buttsex grosses them out. Rubi emits the standard string of Suikoden ellipses. I imagine each dot stands for one dry heave. Then Rubi proves that he, too, is a douchebag elf of the highest degree, because he suddenly finds himself impressed by the sappy crap Linkolas was spewing. “Linkolas, when I left the village, you were so little. And now you’re greater than I am,” Rubi wanks. PUGGY!!! wonders if it’s possible to burn something that’s already burnt and if genocide is okay if the race in question is really fucking annoying. He watches in dismay as Rubi runs out the door and toward the castle. PUGGY!!! kind of hopes he’ll get killed by wild beasts along the way, and that Leknaat won’t count that against the 108 Stars crap.
At least PUGGY!!! can now get rid of Linkolas. Looking at his True Strategy Rune, he notices that Linkolas is recommended for an upcoming battle. PUGGY!!! doesn’t think so. He places Hellion and her rune back in the party. Now it’s time to complete the mission in the Cave of the Past. This is going to be phenomenal. There’s not much for me to say about this dungeon. I’ve already covered the beige golems, and the only other monsters are giant flaming balls and banshee chicks with blue hair, gray bodies, and pink butt smoke. At least the banshee sprites have the decency to keep their naked gray boobs covered. Apart from that, there are no other monsters, and the cave has your standard passageways and side rooms filled with treasure chests. There are some secret passageways to spice things up a bit, but PUGGY!!!’s Strategy Rune advises him to leave one of them until later. The only swag worth noting is something called the Window crystal, along with the War Scroll. We never find out why the War Scroll that Hugo wants so badly was hidden in this closed-off cavern, and I’m okay with that.