Now that he has kept the rune safe by passing it on to a helpless child, Ned gives PUGGY!!! and his pals instructions on how to leave the village. Like his grandson does in the future, Ned decides he will be a decoy and sacrifice himself to Windy in order to secure the escape of everyone else. Cleo tells Ted to get going, and he naively asks if his grandpa will be catching up to them later. Cleo’s all, “Uh…sure. He’ll be totally alive and not dead at all.” They exit out the back door. From the outside, the house they were just in appears to be a blackened ruin, although it never caught fire and was intact two seconds ago. PUGGY!!! has a strong runic feeling that he needs to grab something else from the village before he flees, so he steps back inside the house. The inside is now completely burned out, and both secret doors are missing. You have got to be kidding me. At least the rug looks okay.

Heading out the front door this time, PUGGY!!! finds the village deserted, so Ned’s decoy plan must involve him going somewhere else. Your guess is as good as mine. The other charred houses are empty, so PUGGY!!! loots them of all valuables. He passes through Ted’s house again, in order to reach the path that surrounds the village. After following the path as it winds around below the village, PUGGY!!! and his three (or more) companions are stopped by a figure who teleports into existence right in front of them. It’s a man with long blond girl hair and black armor. This is our first view of the mysterious Yuber, at least before he traded in the heavy metallic clothing for a more Michael Jackson-esque wardrobe. Yuber yammers on for a while about how much he hates guard duty because he’d rather be destroying everything — even though he did destroy everything. Wait, he wants to burn that rug, doesn’t he? You might remember that Yuber, as the Man in Black, displayed a slight tendency for destruction. It was a very subtle character point, so that’s why I’m reminding you. While performing his boring guard duty, he was hoping to find a worthy opponent or something, so he finds himself disappointed to encounter Just a Child(tm) and “some cowards.” Bear’s all, “Did you call me a chicken?” Before he can prove his manliness to this random armored guy, Cleo warns him that Yuber will probably strike him down like a helpless little bitch. “Yes, I know. He’s not human. Even at this distance, I can feel his terrible power,” Bear pulls out of his ass. Like that stopped him from attacking The Count earlier. At least he manages to keep it in his pants this time instead of getting everyone killed again.

Even fiery death sounds better to PUGGY!!! than ‘beating around the bush.’

The unprovoked burning combined with the silly expositing makes it clear that Yuber is very scary and mean. But the game designers don’t feel we quite understand this yet, so Yuber continues to stand there and spout a bunch of threatening threats, ending with, “I’ll chop you all into little pieces, making sure you feel no pain.” Now this raises some questions — how exactly would he make sure of this? Does he have access to strong painkillers and/or roofies? And wouldn’t Yuber, with his inhumanity and appetite for destruction want them to feel more pain? Also, why would he need to chop them into little pieces? Is he going to put them in a stew? Great, now PUGGY!!!’s thinking about Gremio’s stew again. Just as the party resigns themselves to certain death, an unlikely fellow appears to save their asses. It’s none other than The Count. “Hey Yuber. Lady Windy wants you. That old man escaped into the forest,” he informs his cohort. Wow, color me surprised that The Count finally got a line. I don’t really get why both these powerful wizard-like non-humans are letting some ponytailed witch boss them around. I doubt she’s providing them with sexual favors, so I’m confused as to what they’re getting out of it.

Bear tries to start something with The Count again, which is so incredibly retarded I want to reach through the screen and strangle him. He needs to cut out the macho bullshit — Flik isn’t even there to be impressed. Well, technically he is, but I haven’t seen his sprite for a while. Luckily for all of us, The Count isn’t in the mood to play with this pushy bear-like asshole whom he won’t officially meet for another 300 years or so, so he walks off with his buddy Yuber to search for the old man with the Soul Eater rune. Oh, the double irony!

The group, now back in front of Ted’s charcoal briquette of a house, discusses their options. The fires have all burned themselves out, the villagers are long gone to NPC Heaven, and Ned is probably getting sucked (by a vampire) and blown (to smithereens by the violence-loving Yuber) in the forest somewhere. So there’s not much more they can do. Ted wonders where his grandpa is, to which Cleo responds, “Ted, I’m afraid you’re going to have to depend on yourself from now on. Do you understand?” That’s remarkably tactful for her — I’m surprised she just didn’t say, “He daid.” She has also managed to figure out the time travel business and the fact that they’re currently chillin’ with their buddy Ted 300 years in the past. Of course, she says all of this out loud right in front of Ted, further raping the space-time continuum. Somewhere, Doc Brown is experiencing sympathy ass pains. “And from this moment on, Ted must journey alone for 300 years,” she adds, also out loud. I don’t think she even knows this bit of backstory — I went back to my earlier recaps to check. Of course I could be wrong, because I recapped that shit a long time ago (and haven’t played through the game since then), but I’m still unconvinced. Right now, Cleo is more concerned with finding a way back to their time than worrying about this poor kid who just got royally shafted. Then again, it just proves that Cleo is a woman without a maternal instinct, which is totally awesome in my opinion. Meanwhile, Ted has absolutely no reaction to any of this.

Were PUGGY!!! or Bear ever in the closet?

For some odd reason, Bear the Dumbass is the one who figures out how they’ll return to the present. The building which ejected them earlier is now shining with a pulsating light. There’s really no logical reason to assume that has anything to do with anything, but it’s not like they have any better options. What’s the worst that could happen? PUGGY!!! makes one last detour to the end of the secret path to grab a treasure chest that Yuber was blocking earlier. Luckily for these time-wasters, the three bad guys haven’t yet accomplished the very complex task of chasing down the helpless old dude in the forest, and PUGGY!!! is able to retrieve the treasure with no unpleasant encounters whatsoever. I guess it’s a good thing that the bad guys are just as stupid as the good guys. At the base of the stairs to the mini-temple, the group emerges from PUGGY!!! for yet another procrastinatory cutscene. “Maybe if we enter there, we can return to the present,” Bear says of the glowing doorway. Oh, so that’s the plan. Christ. Naturally, Cleo and Bear leave Ted’s fate up to PUGGY!!!. Now, PUGGY!!! doesn’t want some little kid tagging along, ruining his chances to score with some hotties, but his affection for Future!Ted makes him feel like a giant asshole for leaving him behind. Ultimately PUGGY!!! feels he has no choice — for the good of the space-time continuum, he decides that it would be best to leave the young orphaned child alone in the burned village where a bunch of baddies will soon be hunting him down. Doc Brown owes PUGGY!!! big time. Like that.

Cleo tries to help the situation by explaining to Ted why they can’t take him along. At this point she could use the space-time continuum as her excuse, since she already blabbed about all the past/future stuff in front of Ted. Instead, she reverts back to her tactless self and makes things worse by telling him he has a long, lonely, depressing journey ahead of him. She’s about to add that after said long, lonely, depressing journey, he sacrifices himself in a most painful way for the very people who are about to abandon his ass, but in the end she decides against mentioning this. Not because she’s trying to spare his feelings, but because she doesn’t want to fuck up the universe by changing his gruesome fate. Funny how she’s suddenly worried about that. Young Ted is confused and sad, and asks if he can please come along. “Ted, you must be strong. Never give up. And don’t tell anybody about the rune on your right hand,” Cleo sort-of assures him. This scene is so uplifting. I fully expect Ted to slit his wrists at any second, but he takes this non-helpful speech fairly well. In other words, he manages to refrain from flinging himself into PUGGY!!!’s strong arms. PUGGY!!! is okay with this — he’s perfectly willing to comfort Future!Ted in a sensual manner, but getting cozy with underage Past!Ted is just too weird. The group of three (and hopefully the three non-essential members also) run up the stairs and enter the throbbing ball of light.

I’ve been trying to figure out if there’s any significance to having PUGGY!!! and his friends participate in this flashback sequence rather than just having them watch it like a movie. Like, was there something in particular they did that affected Past!Ted in such a way as to make his journey survivable? Does Future!Ted remember the three odd strangers whom he met in the past, right around the time his grandfather saddled him with the Soul Eater? Do Windy, The Count, and Yuber remember them at all, after their briefest of meetings? But after watching this part again, I just can’t think of any effects their presence had on the present time. And thinking it over some more, I’m pretty sure Future!Ted doesn’t remember them at all — otherwise the most logical response on his part would be to use the Soul Eater to strike them down with extreme prejudice. At least that’s what I would do. In other words, there was probably no point in having PUGGY!!! and the others interact with the past except to pick up some treasure items.

Luckily for PUGGY!!!, he and all five of the others end up back in the present, in a cave behind the Star Dragon Sword. What, the sword couldn’t return them to the original chamber? What kind of shitty time travel operation is this? As they head back to the sword, Bear warns them to stay away from it, as he is not anxious to repeat that whole experience. Preaching to the choir, Bear. “Listen to Mr. Expert. You got us into that mess in the first place,” Cleo bitches at him. Bear didn’t technically do anything to trigger the Star Dragon Sword’s magical hissyfit except to stand somewhat near it with the rest of the party, so I don’t know why she thinks it’s exclusively his fault. Unless she’s referring to his asinine quest to kill The Count in general, in which case, yeah, he’s the dick here.

Bear starts freaking out when the Star Dragon Sword addresses him by name. “Don’t you have an important mission?” it reminds him, as if Bear has managed to shut up about his stupid mission since the last recap. The Star Dragon Sword has been bored as hell in this standard cave dungeon for all these years, so it agrees to help with the stabbing of vampires. “Pull me out,” it orders, a phrase that is probably not unfamiliar to at least half my current party. Although I’m not really sure how the Star Dragon Sword can be pulled out, since it’s floating above the pedestal, not stuck point down in it like the Masturbator Sword. Bear and the sword start engaging in the first glimmers of their snarky back-and-forth from the sequel, except it falls kind of flat here. I mean, the Star Dragon Sword is barely giving Bear a bad time, and Bear’s reacting like the sword accused him of having a small wiener. But soon Bear decides that to get anywhere in his annoying quest to kill The Count, he needs to kiss the sword’s pointy metal ass. After this, it finally deems him acceptable, saying, “Let’s go, partner.” Well, I guess I’ve seen weirder pairings. Like PUGGY!!!/Kasumi.

I’m sure you’ll find out soon enough. *wink*

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That’s pretty much it for the plot stuff in this recap. I’m going to wait until next time to take on The Count with my fancy new phallic weapon. But that doesn’t mean PUGGY!!! is finished for the day. He has some recruitin’ to do before I let him return to the castle. His first new mighty soldier is Hugo the Librarian, who is pleased as punch that PUGGY!!! found the War Scroll that was just yards away from the library this entire time. Hugo cannot let PUGGY!!! leave without “repaying” him. To PUGGY!!!’s relief, Hugo is the obligatory character who cares only about books and not about icky things like people and bodily fluids. Without any prompting from PUGGY!!!, Hugo decides to join the Lubrication Army, where he will manage all the Old Book volumes that PUGGY!!! collects on his adventures. Perhaps PUGGY!!! will be a more effective leader if he absorbs the important historical information found within these tomes. More importantly, perhaps I will be a more effective recapper if I can tie in the history of this world with the events of the game. Yeah, fuck that.

Back in the Hetero Warriors’ Village, PUGGY!!! takes the time to explore the bedroom in the item shop. There, he finds a man dressed in a white shirt, black pants, black vest, black top hat, and red bowtie. He’s quite the dapper fellow. And you know what I mean by that. This ensemble makes him look like some sort of magician, and since he’s not entirely repulsive, PUGGY!!! hopes the man will do that trick where he makes his penis disappear. “Say Big Brother, got anything good?” the man, named Window, asks. Well, that’s kind of creepy, although PUGGY!!! feels he does have something good. “I can tell, you know. You have something that’s very precious to me,” Window continues. Now PUGGY!!!’s just uncomfortable. Plus, the guys name is Window, and that’s not something you can really call out in the throes of passion. As it turns out, it isn’t PUGGY!!!’s sweet ass that Window considers “very precious,” but instead the Window rune that’s stuffed into the bottom of PUGGY!!!’s sack. For the record, I’m not ruling out the possibility that he does find PUGGY!!!’s sweet ass precious. Window promises to join PUGGY!!!’s impressive army if PUGGY!!! hands over the completely useless rune. Well, how could PUGGY!!! pass up such a generous offer? He gives the Window rune to Window, and just hopes this unsettling magician doesn’t sneak in through his bedroom window to murder him in the night. Or worse, stand there and stare at him while he’s sleeping.

Window says that with this rune in his possession he can become a “stained glass window maker.” That would definitely make the castle a lot more blingin’. Especially if the stained glass windows looked something like this NSFW beauty. Actually, Window’s only purpose is to change the look of the user interface, which only “benefits” the player and not PUGGY!!! at all. But I’m the recapper, and I think that’s lame, so I’m declaring that Window will spend 100% of his time creating custom buttsex windows for the entire castle.

That’s all PUGGY!!! can do for now, so I’m going to take another break before forcing him to face The Count and save some other dude’s underage girlfriend. Awesome. Hopefully I’ll get to Part 13 before I turn 40. See you then!