In the last recap, we became acquainted with our hero Alex, his sister/girlfriend Gams, his flying cat Squeak, and his greedy best buddy Ram-It. So for those of you keeping score at home, yes, Alex the Necrophiliac is the least annoying and most decent member of the party. Shoot me. We last left Alex and Co. back in Burg following their afternoon jaunt into the White Dragon Cave, which netted our wannabe heroes a big hunk of Dragon Shit and the opportunity for Alex to pass the trials of the other three Dragons of Althena. The last person to do this was, obviously, Alex’s hero and object of his lust, Dragonmaster Dyne. Now that we’re all up to speed, let’s do this thing.
After the important business of healing up at the statue of Althena–the statues replace inns, which makes me wonder why anyone in this game needs to sleep at all–the group enters Burg’s item shop to sell the Dragon Turd. The shop owner takes one look at the jewel and refuses to take it. Not because it came from the ass of a dragon (that would be MY reason), but because it’s so valuable that he couldn’t afford to buy it. He kindly suggests that Ram-It take the Dragon Diamond to Meribia, the largest city on the mainland. Ram-It amazes and astounds me (no, not really) by whining. I don’t understand why; you’d think he’d jump at the opportunity to leave Burg, especially if it meant getting rich. Alas, it must be difficult to keep even one-dimensional characters like Ram-It consistent. Gams consoles Ram-It, assuming their adventure is now at a dead end, before making Alex march home to see his parents. It occurs to me right now that Gams gets quite the kick out of being a nagging mother figure to Alex, and that gives their relationship an entirely new level of wrong.
She acts like this isn’t already the case.
The party chats up the local NPCs some more, and when Alex and Gams speak to the little boy in the southeastern part of town, he asks again if he can hear Gams sing. This time I make her say no, because the fewer times I have to sit through her “La la la” song, the better. But “no” somehow turns into “yes” and she sings the damn thing anyway. That Gams, what a spotlight whore. On the second floor of the weapons shop, the party encounters an angry young man with a rat-tail and a green cape. Rat-Tail chews out Ram-It for selling him a golden egg that was only painted gold, and demands his money back. Since Ram-It blew his weekly allowance on Cheesy Poofs, the money (30 silver) comes out of Alex’s pockets. Goddamn you, Ram-It. I was going to buy herbs with that.
At the bridge over the river separating Alex’s house from the rest of the village, Ram-It lingers behind and then asks Gams if he can have a “man-to-man” with Alex for a moment, alone. Gams does what I would do if I heard Ram-It refer to himself as a “man”: she laughs. She gives the boys the go-ahead and heads to Alex’s house alone, but she keeps stopping and looking over her shoulder, like Alex is going to disappear into thin air if she doesn’t look back. God, she’s clingy.
Once Gams is gone, Ram-It repeats what we already heard five seconds ago about selling the diamond in Meribia. But this time, he’s not too apprehensive about leaving Burg–in fact, he wants to leave right away, without telling anyone. Also, he wants to show his dad that he’s worth his considerable weight in silver, and none of us saw that coming. Alex is keen to go adventuring, since he has to become the big bad hero eventually anyway, but he doesn’t like the idea of ditching Gams. I guess he has his reasons–the kid has to get his nookie from somewhere, since his ideal lover is dead and buried. Squeak and Ram-It take this opportunity to remind Alex that Gams is a typical girl, and therefore will nag and guilt him into not going if he tells her the plan. “You have to understand, Alex,” Ram-It says out of his ass. “Girls are supposed to prevent boys from having fun.” So I don’t throw up my dinner, I think I’ll pass on reading between those lines, thanks. Alex, despite what I’ll assume is his better judgment, agrees and leads Squeak and Fatty into the Weird Woods west of Burg.
Haunted woods? In an RPG? NO!
It takes Ram-It about five steps into the forest to realize he’s too chickenshit to go through with their plan. He mentions that the Weird Woods are haunted–something I would have never figured out from the name “Weird Woods”–but he isn’t afraid, oh goodness gracious no! However, at the first sound of creepy crawlies through the thick fog, Ram-It bolts back home, proverbial tail between his legs. Squeak notes that Ram-It never runs that fast unless he hears the dinner bell, like he’s any braver or less gluttonous. And since there’s just no POINT in journeying without that worthless sack, except for maybe that Dragonmaster thing, Alex and Squeak follow Ram-It back home.
Back in Burg, at the same bridge where they decided to begin their ill-fated adventure, Ram-It gets all self-deprecating, admitting that his father is right about him. I’d gladly sit here and listen to Tons o’ Fun trash-talk himself for as long as he likes, but Squeak, killjoy that he is, puts a stop to it and tells Ram-It his actions were smart and not at all cowardly. Stupid Squeak. Ram-It feels better, but decides to go home to his blankie and his stash of Hostess snacks anyway. Before waddling off, he tells Alex they’ll try again in the morning, and “maybe [he] should tell [Gams] where [they’re] going after all.” Beats the hell out of me why Ram-It would have this change of heart about Gams, but I’m guessing Mr. Plot Contrivance just reared his ugly, ugly head. I think I should go find my Louisville Slugger, just in case he shows up again.
Finally, Alex and Squeak go home, only to find Gams in extreme worrywartish distress. Alex’s dad even scolds them for being out late, because “[Gams] was worried about [them]!” Nevermind his real mother being concerned, as she’s surprisingly nonchalant about the whole thing. They speak to Her Exalted Mary Sueness, only for Squeak to blow the whole secret that they were planning to leave her behind. Gams’s mindset immediately shifts from “motherly concern” to “girlfriend guilt-trip.” She makes with the Pouty Sad Face before turning her back to Alex, insisting that they don’t have anything to talk about. Their boyfriend/girlfriend relationship is weirding me out more than ever. I’m sorry, but I don’t think I could ever have romantic thoughts about someone who acted like I came out of her womb. But I say this assuming Alex would want a normal sex life with people who are neither relatives of his nor dead.
With no other options since Gams is giving him the silent treatment, Alex speaks with the ‘rents again. Alex’s dad, too, is pretty casual about the idea of his teenage son braving the dangers outside Burg. I guess his parents figure it’s only natural for him to leave home now that he’s, you know, hit puberty. Dad gives Alex his blessing to go to Meribia, but insists that he talk it over with Gams, as she’s only worried about his safety. Please, she’s just pissy because he chose a whole world full of scary monsters over listening to her bitch about singing practice. Alex’s mother pretends to fret for a minute, but then basically admits that she’s obligated to act that way when her baby’s all grown up and stuff. She gives her son 1000 silver and shoves him in Gams’s general direction.
As much as he needs a kick in the nuts.
I resign myself to the fact that I’m stuck with Gams until the game designers see fit to have her kidnapped and out of my hair, so Alex walks over to apologize. Gams has had enough with not being talked to, so she’s already sorry about their fight before he even says a word. But to Alex’s surprise–because he’s an idiot–Gams insists on accompanying them to Meribia. She says, “If you and [Ram-It] went all by yourselves, you’d be in danger. I have no choice!” Explain to me how the presence of a wimpy teenage girl would save them from any imminent danger. I doubt she’s going to flash her boobs at monsters, so I’m guessing this is just a flimsy excuse for Gams to keep tabs on her incestual interests. Fine. Alex goes to inform his parents of Gams’s decision, which makes them happy. No kids in the house, whoo! Alex’s dad tells Alex and Squeak to get some rest, for tomorrow they’ll be going out into that wide, wide world! He continues to speechify about destiny and manhood and a bunch of other bullshit I’ve heard a million times already. Squeak squeaks his sentiments of excitement–evidently the fatherly talk sounded a lot better to him than it did to me. Dork. Finally, it’s lights out at Casa Alex.
How funny, as soon as I said that I get more light. It’s another anime cutscene. A flash of white light, and a person (gender unspecified, but hey, it’s anime) with long silver hair shielding his or her eyes from it. Silver Hair shouting. More light. Dude with careworn face and brown hair holding a blue-haired, wailing infant. Fade to white. Well, that’s a dream sequence if I’ve ever seen one. In the darkened Casa Alex, Gams wakes up with her Angsty Face on. “Not again…” she says, as we’re supposed to get the idea that this is a recurring dream. I wish I had a Mary Sue Cliché checklist handy. She angsts to herself about leaving the only home she’s ever known. Hey, you wanted to come, so cry me a freaking river. Gams walks toward Alex’s bed, hoping he can “comfort” her after that mysterious montage, but he’s not there. In the distance she hears someone playing their song on what sounds like an ocarina. “I know where you are, Alex,” she says with a smile, and honey, I think anyone who’s been paying any attention to this story could figure out where he is. Jeez.
Dyne Memorial Hunk of Marble. Alex is standing at the edge of the cliff, blowing away on his gay little wind instrument. The light of the Earth is shining down on the scene. Gams approaches him and says she heard him playing. So now they’re looking at the moon Blue Star together. Didn’t I just recap this scene? Oh well. Gams doesn’t say anything for a long time, but wonders stupid, pointless things like if Dyne couldn’t sleep either before he left Burg. She laughs inwardly at the thought of comparing Dyne and Alex. Ow. Whoever keeps dropping anvils on my head needs to cut it out, like, now.