My goodness, it has been entirely too long since we looked in on Alex’s adventures as a Dragonmaster-and-necrophiliac-in-training. So: in part six, the gang realized that Lemia hadn’t really just been menstruating for the past several months, but that she’d been locked in her own prison and replaced by a pod person working for Ghaleon the Magic Emperor who is Ghaleon shit. Um. I mean, it is imperative that our heroes expose this Magic Emperor person as soon as possible in order to thwart his evil schemes! Yeah! With that in mind, Alex, Gams, and Squeak are returning to Burg to speak with Quark–and they’re escorting Ghaleon, the kindest and noblest of the remaining Four Heroes. Surely this old, decrepit, vulnerable dragon and this powerful sorcerer will be able to come up with a plan.

We pick up with Alex and friends in Meribia, where Ghaleon has agreed to meet them. After a quick visit to Ram-It–who would rather like Alex, on his return to Burg, to shove his new success in his dad’s face–it’s time to head to Mel’s mansion. Ghaleon is already there, filling in his old friend on the story so far. Ghaleon reveals that he wants to visit the White Dragon because he thinks this mysterious Magic Emperor wants to become a Dragonmaster. “However, only Quark would know that for certain,” he says. See, Quark has the ability to read the minds of evildoers and find out whether they’re going to visit him for Dragonmaster-related trinkets. In fact, there’s one coming to visit him now!

When Alex, Gams, and Squeak enter, they find that another familiar figure is also in the room with Mel and Ghaleon: Jessica. They all seem rather surprised to be meeting each other again, which is odd–between everyone else figuring out Jessica’s identity and Nash making an Olympic sport out of name-dropping Ghaleon and Vein in front of Jessica, they all had to think the possibility for meeting here wasn’t out of the question. Then again, these kids are probably surprised when the sun rises every morning.

Squeak is all ready to blurt out in front of Mel that they have met his daughter before, but Jessica manages, through stage whispering and dirty looks, to get him to shut up for five seconds. Alex could stand to learn this technique. As Mel makes with the introductions–and Jessica does her best impression of a kind, demure lady–Gams and Squeak wonder why Jessica is pretending they’re strangers. They make me sad.

‘Not you, Alex. Ha ha.’

With this “mystery” still floating in the air, Alex speaks to Ghaleon, who is eager to get going to Burg so he can start his journey toward becoming a Dragonmaster. Wait…the Magic Emperor wants to become a Dragonmaster too! What a coincidence! “If we fail,” Ghaleon says, “the Magic Emperor will surely become invincible, and destroy this world.” I hope Ghaleon finds this pretense as painful and tedious as I do. Meanwhile, as Ghaleon mopes over the imminent danger of the Magic Emperor, Mel tells Alex that the ship taking them back to Caldor Isle won’t be ready until morning. Jessica’s all over this with the helpful suggestions, “Dad, why don’t we let Alex and his friends stay here tonight?” she asks. “I’d love to hear their tales of adventure!” Wow, speaking of painful pretenses. Mel is fine with that, as long as Jessica isn’t scared by their stories and remembers to keep her Althena night light on. With that, Jessica escorts the group to her bedroom on the second floor.

Squeak and Gams, bless them, still don’t understand why Jessica is behaving so “strangely,” but Jess clues them in once they’re locked securely in her overly pink bedroom. For one thing, she was skipping school at the time she met them, so she’d rather not admit to that. And secondly, as she puts it, “My father always tells me how much I remind him of my mom. If he knew that I was really like HIM… And that I was sneaking out of the Shrine to go on my own adventures… He’d freak out! And I’d be grounded until I was 50…” Of course, Gams hears the siren of moral authority (and dramatic irony) wailing behind Jessica’s words. “How do you stand it?” she asks. “I could never keep my true self hidden away. Not from someone who cared for me as your father cares for you…” Really, what’s she going to say? “Yeah dad, I’m skivving off from the priestess school you pay loads of your hard-earned money to send me to so I can have dirty drunken sex with a bandit lord in the mountains and kill level 15 monsters! My new blue-haired life counselor told me I should open up to you.” Shut up, Gams.

The kids while away the rest of the night filling in Jessica on what happened after she left them in Lann. Of course, it is left to Alex to tell this tale, but instead of him saying more than two lines, or saying anything interesting at all, for that matter, we get a Black Screen of Reading the Last Recap, and then Alex finishes, “And that’s all I have to say about that.” Get it? A Forrest Gump reference? Not only was that a played-out line back in the Dark Ages when this game was current, but it also implies that Alex has an IQ of 75. Not that I needed a movie line from nearly fifteen years ago to tell me that. Anyway, Jessica is captivated by this story we didn’t hear. “So everyone at the Shrine was enchanted by the spell? How embarrassing!” she says, and Squeak adds that Jess is lucky she was skipping that day. Though she’s not good at this whole skipping thing if she didn’t look into this stuff before she went home to her daddy–wouldn’t he be curious why she didn’t know anything about this rather major event at her school? The key to not getting caught is to do your research. What’s that? Right. Sorry. Everyone in this game is stupid. I keep forgetting.

Totally off the subject, Jessica says Ghaleon will need Alex’s support if he’s to become a Dragonmaster, and then bids them goodnight as she heads out the door. But this is her bedroom! Where’s she going to sleep, in the fountain? Gams sighs that their adventure must be coming to an end, because Ghaleon is escorting them back home. Alex throws some ellipses at her that I interpret to mean, “Yeah, maybe for you, but I’m going to stalk Ghaleon until he lets me wear the Dragonmaster Earflap Hat.”

During the night, Gams has the same dream she had the night they left Burg, with the light and the crying baby and so on. By the way, I didn’t mention this the first time, but the baby is clearly her, so why is she seeing all of this from the point of view of the man holding her? She shouldn’t be seeing herself. But no matter–how else would we know that Gams is super-special and important if not for anime like this? The game gives us no other clues. Anyway, Gams wakes before Alex and Squeak, but is sure to rouse them from slumber so they can see her Angsty Face. Squeak says she looks like she’s “about to faint,” which is how Squeak interprets her looking like a mopey emo bitch. “I…I had the dream again…” she tells them, so we can gather that she has probably gone through this routine several times. Alex confirms this for me by putting on his dopiest “I don’t give a shit” smile and telling her it’s only a dream. Gams feigns reassurance and they go downstairs to say goodbye to Mel and Jessica.

‘My chlamydia cleared up in 48 hours!’

Mel’s still being dumb and Jessica’s still being fake, and neither one has anything of note to say, so it’s down to the docks where Ghaleon is waiting. Once Alex tells Ghaleon they’re ready, the ship sets sail back to Bumfuck Caldor Isle.

Now, at this point, Ghaleon has no doubt realized he is on his own with our heroes, with no one of consequence (i.e., no one he perceives as a threat) keeping an eye on them. So he starts more or less letting his guard down and showing his true colors. In short: we have replaced the fake-nice but obviously evil Ghaleon with a Ghaleon who doesn’t care how evil he looks. Let’s see if anyone notices.

On the deck of the ship, Ghaleon asks Alex what makes him want to be a Dragonmaster. “What leads you to attempt what so many others before you have tried and failed to achieve?” Alex is like “Uh” because put like that, it does seem like a pretty stupid idea. But Gams, ever supportive of her man, watches this exchange with a smile, because she just knows he has an answer deep down in his heroic soul. Barf. Finally, Alex lamely answers, “I want to protect the people of our world…and the people I care about.” Ghaleon, from the bitchy smirk on his face, clearly finds this cute, like a baby deer taking its first shaky steps. And then he asks another question: “If you had to choose between the survival of the one you cared about the most… Or the lives of everyone in our world… Which would it be? One, or many? Love, or duty?” Not that this will become relevant later! Heavens, no. Alex doesn’t understand how anyone could make that choice. And besides, it won’t be a problem for him! His honeypot Dyne is already dead, anyway. Crisis averted! Further, Ghaleon reminds Alex that he isn’t “even close” to being a Dragonmaster, so he won’t have to worry about it. Burn. But he wants Alex to think about this stuff on their journey, since, as he does get closer to becoming a Dragonmaster, it will become more important. No one says, “But I thought you were going to become a Dragonmaster, Ghaleon,” because that would be the obvious and smart direction to take the conversation.

And since no one bothers to call Ghaleon on that particular detail, he moves on to other foreshadowing elements. To Gams, he says, “So renowned is your singing voice that word of your abilities spread all the way to [Vein]. When we reach Burg, I would desire nothing more than to hear you…” Calling this a retroactive tick on the Gams Recognition Count (5). Since Ghaleon is gayer than Squall dressed like the Chiquita Banana Girl, and Alex himself has no interest in his girlfriend, this creepy comment passes without incident. Ghaleon does tell Gams to stop being fake-modest about her talent, though, since no one is buying that shit.

Around this time, their ship pulls within reach of Saith. On the docks, Ghaleon remarks, “Well. What a…quaint little…hovel this is.” Because he’s a giant prick, get it? And then: “You look tired, boy…but as they say, ‘No rest for the wicked.'” Now that I would definitely take as a come-on, Alex. “Take me to the cave of the White Dragon,” he goes on. “I’m anxious to catch…up with him.” Dogs can see what Ghaleon just revealed in those couple of dialogue boxes, but of course Alex and Gams are all, “La la la, I’m sure Quark will be thrilled to talk to you! You are so wise and kind, after all!”

After playing catch-up with the people in Saith–and getting 1000 silver from some guy in the harbor building for reasons I cannot recall–the gang heads out to the world map and putters along to the entrance of the Weird Woods. I didn’t exactly love this place the first time around, but my suffering is greatly alleviated by Ghaleon’s presence in the party. Since he has more or less infinite mana, he can go through his spellbook–comprised of: Ow Hot, Ow Cold, Ow Big Fucking Rocks, and Ow I’m Being Whisked out of Kansas by This Tornado–and eliminate a field of monsters with one flick of his pale, delicate fingers. Gams is no doubt impressed, but I think I’ve made it plain that the only person present who cares about Gams’s opinion is Gams.

I’ve failed to resist the easy ‘flaming’ joke.

Thanks to Ghaleon’s show-offy magic, the party reaches the other side of the woods with ease and finally returns to Burg. Of course, everyone in Burg creams their jeans at the sight of Ghaleon in their lame little town. Ghaleon himself is even more contemptuous of Burg than he was of Saith, maybe because Dyne was from here and he thinks it’s not living up to his man-candy’s legacy. Other tidbits from the villagers: everyone still thinks Ram-It is a layabout moron, despite Gams’s insistence that he’s a Meribian go-getter now; Alex and Gams missed the Goddess Festival and didn’t get to do their Captain and Tennille thing (I hope we haven’t missed our only chance in the game to hear Gams sing!); and Gams has realized on this journey what “an amazing man” Alex has always been. At the springs, Ghaleon leers on while Gams basically throws herself on her little stone seat where she practices her singing and asks Alex to make a woman out of her. Also: “We’re going to have so many more adventures TOGETHER blah-blah-foreshadowing-cakes.”

Alex’s parents have nothing of note to say other than that they are so proud of their son for not strangling Gams and Squeak by now having amazing adventures and meeting Master Ghaleon, so now it’s time to pay a little visit to Alex’s favorite place in the world to masturbate, Dyne’s Monument. Let’s say Ghaleon is less than impressed with Alex’s preferred wank spot. “This monument is…pathetic,” he sneers. “A feeble attempt to keep Dyne’s memory alive. Our world must stop dwelling on the relics of the past and look to the future. A future ruled by one stronger than a feeble Dragonmaster! One who can unite the world with pure strength of will alone.” Hell, if anything, I would expect Alex to respond to this because his beloved Dyne memorial just got dissed, but no one says a word about Ghaleon’s megalomaniacal rantings. Am I the only one hearing this stuff? Are these kids deaf?

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Well, nothing to do now but go visit Quark in the White Dragon Cave. Even though Ghaleon is radiating enough evil energy by now to power a city, I’m sure this will all go smoothly and nothing bad will happen. That’s what I’d say if I were stupid, like Alex and his friends. There are only a few monsters in between the party and Quark’s inner sanctum, and after a few minutes they are standing before the venerable dragon, only half-wondering why Ghaleon is pulling a large, flame-resistant fishing net out of the folds of his robes.

Quark’s all happy to see the kidlets, and then he basically says, “Is that Ghaleon? The fuck did you bring him here for?” Ghaleon establishes that it has been precisely fifteen years since he and Quark last saw each other, on the fateful day that Dyne did…something or other. Quark remembers Ghaleon’s disappointment with Dyne over whatever happened. “Quark…” Ghaleon asks, from the Questions You Know the Answers To category, “I have a question to ask of you. This girl…the one they call ‘[Gams]’…is she the child born that day?” Rather than try to deny the truth (what could he say, that there was a record number of blue-haired baby girls that year?), Quark warns Ghaleon about the danger of meddling in shit beyond his understanding and discovering things he may not want to know. But hey: that’s assuming Ghaleon isn’t just asking as a confirmation. He obviously thinks she is or he wouldn’t be here. He also says he thinks the answer to this question could tie into the world being “on the verge of chaos.” Quark stupidly decides that since Ghaleon and Dyne were BFFs that that means Ghaleon is trustworthy, and lays it on him: yes, Gams is the blue-haired baby from Gams’s recurring dream. Stunning!