Jessica picks this moment to run to her dad and try and get him out of there. But–stop me if you didn’t see this coming–Mel is obviously more worried about Jessica’s safety than his own and turns his back on Xeboobia, urging his daughter to run. Xeboobia sees this as a fantastic opportunity to get rid of all of them at once, and aims a bolt of something-or-other at Jessica. And this part is just so shocking (SHOCKING!!!): Mel jumps in front of the blast and takes one for his kid. Our heroes look on as Old Man Mel’s sprite goes from a lively, fleshy color to a granite gray. With his last breath, Mel gasps, “Alex…take care…of my…daughter…” And now he’s a statue. Maybe they could knock down the Althena statue out front and put Mel there. That’d be neat.
Xeboobia’s been reading my notes.
So Xeboobia’s all psyched about taking out Mel, since now no one can stand in her darling Ghaleon’s way. And she leaves, without bothering to kill Alex and Jessica, which would be the logical thing. I mean, she doesn’t even try. Is she late for her manicure or something? She just disposed of one of the Four Heroes without breaking a sweat, but she can’t hang out for two more minutes to do the exact same thing to his daughter and the Plucky Young Upstart? Laziness, Xeboobia. For shame. Jessica screams at her dad!statue as we fade out.
Over some ’80s-style sad music, we find Alex, Jessica, and Squeak in Mel’s bedroom, with Jessica trying unsuccessfully to cure Mel of his condition. Sadly, either it can’t be undone or Jessica skipped out the day her teachers went over petrification. Out of nowhere, Jess says, “I don’t think this spell can be lifted unless the one who cast it is killed!” What if you need her alive to cast a counterspell? These kids and their rashness, honestly. Once Squeak has clued her in on Xeboobia’s doings up to this point, Jessica puts on her Angry Face and vows vengeance on her and on Ghaleon. ‘Cause she’s spunky and brave like her dad! I hope you guys are writing this down.
For now, Jessica suggests going to Vein to talk with Lemia, since she might know more about the Vile Tribe and Ghaleon’s plans. “I’d like to get some advice from her daughter as well…” Jessica adds, so we all remember Mia’s existence. Squeak, for his part, delights in the idea of rummaging through Mia’s underwear drawer some more. Unsurprisingly, no one shouts out, “Oh boy! We’ll get to see our good friend Nash again!” Poor Nash. With a slightly sweet “I love you, dad” whisper to Granite!Mel, Jessica joins the party for good and the kids are off to the Magic Dick City of Vein.
Oh, not so fast: Alex has to load up on porn first. No, he’s not going to the graveyard with a camera. The party heads to Black Rose Street, where they meet an NPC who was madly in love with Royce when she was giving out shitty fortunes in the house at the end of the street. Well, scratch that, he’s still in love with her. “I think what makes my attraction to Royce so strong is that she has the taste of…forbidden fruit,” he tells Alex. Gross. He adds that his attraction could still be so strong because he spends all his time furiously masturbating to her bromide. He says “ogling” but I think we all know better. But he does realize that he has a problem and hands Alex the bromide so he can get Royce out of his system. I hope Alex has a pair of tongs handy to pick that up. Royce’s Bromide is subtitled “A Poisonous Beauty” and shows her nearly naked and playing with a giant snake. Giant snake…I see what they did there. It’s like a penis.
And you guys think we make up this phallic objects stuff.
Okay, now they can go to Vein. Stop me if you maybe saw this one coming, but Vein is also being assaulted by the “Holy shit, stuff is happening” music. Stepping off the teleportation pad into the city, Alex, Squeak and Jessica see a large, horned, crab-like, one-eyed monster. Yes, a one-eyed monster. You know, it really takes the sport out of it when they make it this easy. The one-eyed monster is advancing on Mia and Nash as several Vein guards stand around and do nothing helpful. Nash is grunting that his magic is useless against it, which must mean Mia is having a similar problem, since her magic is better, and why would they use Nash’s magic if hers was working? What I’m getting at here is Nash is lame and Mia is awesome.
The two mages are just starting to wonder how they can handle a magic-immune monster by themselves when Alex and the others run up to provide a convenient answer. Jessica is just incensed that Vein, too, is under attack. “This is IT, Alex!” she cries. “No more Miss Nice Girl! I’m gonna fight these creeps with everything I’ve got!” So her tipping point in going all-out versus the Vile Tribe was not her dad being turned to stone, but Mia being assaulted by a dick monster? Jessica confuses me.
Now there’s nothing for it but to take on the one-eyed monster, and the adult, combat-trained guards clear out to make sure the four plucky teenagers have some room to operate. For the record, the one-eyed monster is called the Vile Crustacean, which really doesn’t do it for me, description-wise. The One-Eyed Lobster is not, per se, immune to magic–it’s just really, really resistant, and a good thing too, or this would be an exceptionally painful experience. It has a variety of attacks, but the only interesting thing it does is shoot a “Crimson Ray” out of its eye at one party member, and that’s only interesting because I’m twelve. It’s really a pretty boring fight, and the One-Eyed Lobster conveniently dies right when Alex (the only person who is doing more than tickling it) runs out of mana.
Red? Someone needs to go to the doctor.
Over the background of the (strangely) still evil music, Mia and Nash thank Alex and Jessica for saving their bacon. Nash, of course, insists that he was fine on his own, as it would have only taken roughly 689 Thunder Bombs to kill that thing. Mia turns to Jessica and says, “Jessica…when I was at Black Rose Street, I heard about your father…” I think you guys can see without my help why this statement makes no sense, so we’ll just move on before I decide to start diagramming on a chalkboard like Doc Brown. Jessica confirms that the stories are true, and that Mel is currently a peeing boy statue in his own fountain. Nash takes the retelling of things we already know further, since he heard about Ghaleon and Quark. And Gams! Let’s not forget her–I personally can’t believe I’ve gone this long without mentioning her. Jessica says she’s out for revenge, and wants Mia in on the action. “Fight Ghaleon?!” Nash shrieks, nearly mussing his hair out of agitation. “Now THAT is madness! You’ll be killed!” Jessica continues to pretend Nash isn’t there and tells Mia that she knows it’ll be tough, and that’s why she came to Vein to see if Lemia or Mia had information that would help. The ladies agree to ask Mia’s mom if she noticed anything strange about Ghaleon when he had her brainwashed and locked in her own pris–oh.
In the Magic Guild meeting hall, Lemia, too, is shocked about Ghaleon. Oh, honestly. Can anyone around here use their freaking heads? Moving on from my rhetorical question, Mia is concerned with saving Mel, but Lemia says that pretty much won’t happen until they stop the Vile Tribe. Which is a nice start, but Lemia still has a headache from her time as a junkie and can’t think straight. So Alex talks to Mia instead. Mia is naturally worried about her mother, who was apparently drained of all her magic power during her imprisonment, and couldn’t defend herself if Ghaleon tried again to finish her off. Jessica basically says “Your mom is going to die unless you help Alex!” over and over until Mia decides, hey, maybe she should help Alex. Nash is less than pleased. “Mia, you can’t do this! Your mother is gravely ill, and the Magic Guild is in chaos!” Mia figures that she can solve both problems if she helps defeat Ghaleon, though, so he’s not convincing her. And now that Mia is permanently in the gang, it’s time to sway Nash to join them. Not that Jessica or Squeak are really interested in his services. But of course, now that Mia has made up her mind, Nash has to come along and “protect” her. And he also partially blames himself for what happened to Gams. Basically he wants to do right by the chicks. Nash loves chicks! He keeps telling us so, so it must be true!
That is so sad.
Okay. Now we have an (almost) complete party, so what should our heroes do? Lemia’s popped some Aleve and is now coherent enough to help out with that. “There is only one person who can stand against Ghaleon…the mighty Dragonmaster,” she says. “Alex, you were the last person to pass Quark’s trial…and you are now the only person with the potential to pass the remaining Trials.” Sweet! De-fault! De-fault! “[Gams] is lost to you, Alex…” she goes on, “our world is lost…unless you can become the Dragonmaster.” It’s good that she’s telling Alex this, because otherwise he just wouldn’t have the desire to get it done. It needs to be all about Gams.
Now to the useful stuff. Lemia says they should next look for the Red Dragon, who apparently lives in a volcano “due south of Nanza.” That seems like a good excuse to bring Kyle back into the story, and Jessica says so. The party takes its leave of Lemia before she can get too lost in reminiscence of old times brought on by looking into Alex’s Green Eyes of Destiny.
The Wings transport the gang to Nanza, where–AGAIN–strange happenings are afoot. Jessica is interrupted in her muttering about what a bum Kyle is when they find Xeboobia and her minions in the middle of Nanza, assaulting a…um…lady. Let’s drop the pretense, because it’s ridiculous: the “lady” is Kyle in drag. No one ever explains why he’s in drag in the first place, but he is, and everyone present, including Jessica, is somehow stupid enough to think he’s an actual woman. Kyle screams in a horrible falsetto, calling them “fiends” as he fights off the minions, and now we go to the anime.
Loading ...Because I’m sure you all need this kind of detail, Kyle’s Bugs Bunny-style lady costume involves a frumpy red dress, a blonde wig, and makeup that might not look like clown makeup normally, except he’s so dark-skinned that the foundation turns him completely white. And may I say he’s done an expert job with the makeup. Jessica should be alarmed at how adept her man is at putting on lipstick.
Kyle whines in his falsetto about these monsters assaulting an innocent woman, and then under his breath says, “Now let’s end this cheap charade.” Yes, let’s. He whips off his costume and somersaults through the air. When he lands he’s in his normal clothing–to review, his normal clothing includes short-shorts, hooker boots, and fur trim–and the makeup is inexplicably gone. He catches his sword and says to Xeboobia, “You and your boys need to learn some manners, sweetcheeks.” The wind artfully tousles his hair as he says this, so we know that Kyle Is Super Cool and Manly. No, he’s not gay, despite the earring, the gay outfit, the wind machine he has set up to make his hair look great, and the fact that he was in a dress and makeup five seconds ago. Ignore all of those things.
What a lady.
Of course, no one is more impressed with his ruse and his cool entrance anime than Kyle himself, and he says so. He’s about to ask Jessica why she’s here, assuming it’s because she got kicked out of school again, when Xeboobia loses her patience and orders her minions to destroy the drag queen. This fight is more or less here to introduce us to Kyle’s abilities, since we haven’t had him in the party yet. Kyle defends on the first turn of the fight so Xeboobia’s minions can all inch closer to him. Once they’ve surrounded him, Kyle uses Power Sweep, an arcing strike from his sword that hits and kills all four of them. So, he’s Alex, but slower and better looking. And here I was, sure as shit that he’d be a mage. We don’t have enough of those yet.
Now Kyle and the other four have Xeboobia alone and surrounded, and Mia asks why the Vile Tribe is kidnapping singers. Really? That’s the question you most want answered? Not “Where is Ghaleon?” or “What have you done with Gams?” or “How does Royce keep those pasties attached?” Mia needs to work on this interrogation thing. Regardless, Xeboobia doesn’t feel like answering questions and leaves, so Jessica can scream at her to come back. Honey, she’s not going to listen to you.
Kyle, meanwhile, is a bit confused. Not sexually. At least not right now. “Excuse my ignorance, Jess, but what the hell is going on around here?” he asks. I’ll spare you the entire retelling of this recap, but let’s say Kyle is brought up to speed on the relevant details. It doesn’t take much convincing for Kyle to join the group, but before they make it official, Alex leaves Kyle standing there and heads inside the Nanza compound. Because it’s time for more porn. For no reason whatsoever, Alex goes downstairs and heads straight into Kyle’s bedroom to root through his dirty sheets. In the bedding he finds Jess’s Bromide 4. This one, called “Hot in the Shade,” is a picture of Jessica chilling out under a palm tree. In skimpy swimwear, I should not have to add. This picture was in Kyle’s bed, which is one point for him being straight, compared to the aforementioned several points against. We’ll see how this pans out.
Creepy made-up fact: Mel took this picture.
Well, we’ve taken care of the wanking material, so it’s time to talk to Kyle. He’ll join up, because he’s a nice guy, and because he has funny feelings for Jessica that make him squirm in his fur-lined hot pants. And he has information! Kyle says, “I’ve heard rumors about a dragon inside a cave at the south end of the Marius Zone…” Well, that’s a direction, at least. The party leaves Nanza through the south gate, all primed for adventure, cheesy dialogue, and ’90s pop culture references.
That’s been quite enough excitement for little Alex, so we will leave off here. Next time: Everyone hates Nash! Unconvincing sexual tension! Balloons! And maybe a dragon. I don’t know if that’ll make the final cut.