The last chapter of Marvy Gaye’s soporific high seas adventures ended, by his dismal standards, pretty spectacularly. As if turning the tables on his wet slice of bread ex-boyfriend and setting that jerk’s sorry ass adrift weren’t enough of a treat, he also got to beat the Hobo King of Obel bloody and declare dominance over his new boat and his new army. Yes, this display of power consolidation was completely unnecessary in the minds of everyone but King Lido, but Marvy enjoyed it anyway.

You’ll recall that Marvy’s physical prize for humiliating Lido was the Golden Seal, a symbol of Obelian royalty and a sign that everyone should respect Marvy’s fuckin’ authoritah. Now that he has this large, cold, impractical buttplug in his possession, he is able to recruit even more ugly jamokes into the Seaward. I mean, this is what we’re led to believe since nothing else has exactly happened to improve Marvy’s recruitment prospects otherwise, but I find it hilarious that we are to believe the almighty King of Obel can persuade those who otherwise could not be persuaded. Obel is a joke, and not even a funny one.

Getting right to it (well, after a little Ritapon, and the much less fun game Talk to Everyone), Marvy finds his first recruits right in his own bedroom. If that sounds like things are taking a turn for the steamy, well, I am sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but these are not men Marvy wants to see in his bed. Or anywhere on this planet, because they are hideous. The shorter one, Brec, literally has his hands down his pants in his official artwork, and looks like he would not only cut out Marvy’s kidney and leave him in a motel bathtub with a bag of ice, but would also not even wash his hands before cutting him open. His lover brother Jango is much more put together, but at best he would leave Marvy with a phone in reach to dial 911. Lido–who suddenly looks like fucking James Bond compared to Brec–is uneasily supervising the brothers’ Occupy Marvy’s Boudoir movement, and tells him, “See what these guys want. They apparently want to talk to you about something.” Well, it must be important, since Lido and Desmond (who is cowering at the door) and all of Marvy’s friends and protectors just let them board the fucking ship like they own the place. Everyone is fired.

Jango complains that Marvy made them wait too long. Well, some people around here have better things to do than sit in their cabins all day. “You’re Marvy?” Brec asks, grinning creepily through his greasy beard. “You’re awful young for being in charge of the Seaward.” Listen, pal, age is just a number. What matters is if you have the stuff inside you to be a true Seaward. Also, given how frightening he is and that the first thing out of his mouth is a creeper remark about Marvy’s age, I think it would be prudent to immediately “recruit” this man into a cell on deck five. After Brec tries to scare Marvy by talking about pee and staring at him without blinking, Jango tells him to knock it off, as it is clearly counter to their purpose of, sigh, joining the Seaward. Agnes, who along with Elenor is suddenly in the room, demands to know why these two jerkoff pirates should get to tag along by virtue of “barging aboard.” Thank you, girl. But then Brec threatens her, too, and she shuts up, because seriously, he looks like he would have no problems gutting people with a rusty fish hook in their sleep, and Tov stupidly did not install any locks on the ship’s cabin doors.

Anyway, yes, Jango cops that they are indeed pirates (NO WAY), but adds, “But business ain’t so good with all this talk of war going on.” So it isn’t due to Slowe’s super-effective Anti-Pirate Task Force? Shocking. “We want to get back to pillaging the seas again, so we decided we’d help you guys out.” Oh, well, that’s…good? W…elcome? Without Marvy even agreeing to it, the brothers make themselves at home and Brec even complains in advance that he’d better get plenty of food. How about we tie them to some ropes, drag them behind the ship, and they can have all the fish they can eat? And Brec can have a free bath? Sounds good. Marvy will get Shiramine and Ugetsu on this.

After everyone is too afraid to object to their joining the cause, the pirates barge out of the cabin and scare the shit out of Desmond again. Marvy, Elenor, Agnes, and Lido stare after them. “Well, I’m sure they’ll add to our fighting force,” Lido says. If Lido thinks Marvy would be caught dead putting Brec in his party, he is dumber than even I give him credit for. Elenor replies, “I’d just like it if those two would take a bath first…” This is coming from the lady who must positively reek of menthols and Colt 45, so they must smell truly terrible.

With those two disgusting murderers out of the way, Marvy can turn his attention to recruits who don’t somehow board his ship without anyone noticing. It’s like the game designers temporarily forgot that this is a boat in the middle of the ocean, not a castle with, like, a road to it. Anyway, Marvy has Viki teleport him back to Elenor’s pad on Alcoholic Shut-In Island, where two more weirdos are waiting to join the ranks of his ragtag band of sailors. As if in contrast to Jango and Brec, who simply appear in Marvy’s room, served up like a rancid pudding, this next recruit makes Marvy work for it. Make no mistake, he’s just as not worth any kind of effort as the last two, but Marvy is all in for the good ending in which he humps Sigurd on top of Slowe’s grave. (Yeah! That’s probably how this all ends!) To find this guy, Marvy must run his stiff stick legs around the screen preceding Elenor’s house and fight random battles (with tiny patches of sentient grass and packs of purple wolves with creepy pink bat ears) until he appears. This at least gives Marvy and Kika time to bond over how much better they are than everyone else on the Rudderless, mostly through grim stares and covert fist bumps just out of sight of the camera.

Marvy and his party endure about 10 minutes of this before the man in question, named Gau, shows up. He is flanked by four more lavender wolves, and is himself a muscle-bound, purple-skinned Hulk facsimile (complete with ripped shorts) wearing the pelt of one of his comrades, Fu Su Lu-style. I can’t imagine the wolves approve of this. Gau is not a remotely challenging opponent, which makes this feel even less worth Marvy’s time. Knocked flat on his ass following his defeat, Gau bellows at Marvy, “You strong!” Goddamn right. Marvy can thank him for the compliment and be on his way, or tremulously ask, “W-Will you come with us?” Bitch, please. He ain’t scared. Gau screams, “I come!” at Marvy’s invitation–hee hee–and just like that finds himself in the Seaward. You have to look hard to find him, but he’s there, purple and throbbing with intensity.

Marvy’s other conquest on this island is just on the other side of Elenor’s shanty, which doesn’t stop Marvy from completely missing him, running right past him all the way to the cave, and worrying that he’s not actually where he’s supposed to be. In fairness to me stupid Marvy, this man, though human as far as I know, is dressed like a forest elf and blends pretty seamlessly into the background. But once Marvy spots Aldo, he can’t believe he walked by him before. Although he is wearing some of the ugliest high-waisted white sweatpants Marvy has ever seen in his life, the view from the waist up is breathtaking. (And the sweatpants are baggy enough that they could be concealing anything down there. Promising!) Aldo, making unmistakable bedroom eyes at Marvy the entire time, explains that he was “separated” from his companions and has been stuck on this island for a while. Marvy is concerned that this means he is incredibly obnoxious and was actually ditched here, but Marvy is also not in a position to be picky about guys with silky dark ponytails and broad shoulders. He agrees to Aldo’s request to come aboard the Rudderless. Often. “R-Really?!” Aldo squeals. “Yes! I’ll finally be able to get off this island now!! Farewell, birds! Farewell, beasts! I’m sure we’ll never meet again!” He is not going to be happy when he runs into Gau in the corridors.

It’s a good thing Marvy has at least found himself one fuckable stud today, because his recruitment patrol is about to take a turn for the worse. Marvy drags his party of ladies to the Nest of Pirates, and after giving Kika time to give single-syllable responses to her pirate underlings’ greetings, they walk into her well-appointed bedcave to talk to–sigh–Katarina.

Unfortunately, Katarina’s convalescence in Kika’s canopy bed has clearly improved her physical condition, as she is sitting up and not in immediate danger of multiple organ failure. Boo. “Marvy…” she says. “Do you mind if I ask you just one more time…? Did you kill Commander [Scruffy]?” Well, if Marvy doesn’t mind, I sure fucking do. Has she forgotten that she exiled him for this crime completely on the word of the entitled, incompetent boob who sold them all out to the Kooluk? Yes, that’s rhetorical. Marvy rolls his eyes and tells her, “I did not kill him. The Rune…” If Katarina were Jess, she would scoff and retort that Marvy is a shitty person for pinning a murder on the True Murder Rune. But I thank my lucky stars that going Full Jess is a feat beyond even this pill of a woman.

“The Rune?” she asks. “Come to think of it, on Commander [Scruffy]’s left hand… Do you know something about it?” It genuinely had not occurred to me that Katarina didn’t know about the rune’s title deed transfer–in fact, it’s about the only thing that makes Marvy look guilty, since someone who didn’t know better could plausibly argue that he killed Scruffy specifically to take the thing. So Katarina looks even dumber than I realized! Great. Just tremendous. Marvy pulls off his fingerless left glove and gives Katarina a long gander at the special hand marble that has ruined his life, with an assist from her clueless, butthole self. She duhs that it is the same as the one Scruffy had, and then duhs some more, pieces fitting into place for her at long last, “That’s it… The Kooluk Army… They were desperately looking for something. It must have been the Rune.” Well, I hope they weren’t there looking for the dignity of the Knights of Gaien, since I don’t know if they’d ever recover from the disappointment.

Katarina pauses, then asks, “But now, you’re okay, right?” Oh, he’s just peachy, lady, thanks for asking! No need to worry yourself over the unimaginably bleak shitshow Marvy’s life has become! No harm done on your part! Marvy had a hobo break into his bedroom this morning and talk about pee, and now the hobo lives downstairs! His closest confidantes are a drunk old lady, a clown of a former king who probably owns formal Zubaz, and two former Gaien Knights so useless you didn’t even realize they were gone! But Marvy is “okay”! He hasn’t been set adrift yet today, but there’s a lot of daylight left!

Lest you think I’m being hard on ol’ Katarina, given that she’s been tortured and all, allow her to make my argument for me: “Why? Why did the Commander die and… Why?! Why did you survive?!” Surely it must have been so he could be here now, to spend the draining minutes of his life with such a nice person. Marvy diplomatically answers, “I do not know…” since he doesn’t–how long the Rune of Punishment deigns to prolong its bearer’s suffering seems to be a caprice of fate–and also because he can only grunt out monosyllabic words at the moment. The rest of his concentration is devoted to restraining himself from kicking this bitch in the box with his steel-toed boot.

“I-I’m sorry…” Katarina says. Marvy’s back is to the camera so I’m going to speculate that she can see murderous rage in his eyes. “You must be struggling with it, as well.” Just this once, I will be generous and assume she means the horrible burden of this rune, and not guilt that he is alive while fucking Scruffy is not. Marvy struggled more with tying his headband this morning. Finally, Katarina tests my desire for the good ending: “I know I’m in no position to bring this up, but I have a favor to ask… Could I join you on your ship?” She is absolutely right: she has no right to ask this. She’s lucky Marvy hasn’t banished her to a cornfield. But through gritted teeth, Marvy replies, “Of course, you will be welcome.” I hope Reinhold has a punching bag in his training dojo. Or at least a slab of frozen beef on a hook. Something. Marvy needs to get out some aggression.

Well, I can’t say I specifically had Katarina in mind when I named this army, but it cannot be argued that she is not a true Seaward. On that note, I cannot imagine a person Marvy would want on his crew less than Katarina, so the good news is the worst is out of the way! I kid: it’s time to recruit some fucking cat people. This is maybe Marvy’s most awful day since his exile. He tosses Mitsuba from the party in favor of Chiepoo and teleports to Nay Island.

Just off the boat, Chiepoo says he’d like to look at the trading post “over there.” He means in Creepy Cat Town, and I don’t know why he couldn’t have said so earlier. Marvy has to run all the way there instead of getting to teleport, just so Chiepoo can be coy about this. Marvelous. They go to the trading post, where nothing happens except for Marvy selling some crystal balls. Shrugging, Marvy leaves the way he came. Yeah, I know if Marvy really expected nothing to come of this, he would just use the Blinking Mirror, but maybe he just feels like taking a relaxing, romantic stroll with…Kika, Jeanne, and Chiepoo? God dammit.

As they cross the bridge leading back to Nay proper, Marvy and Chiepoo spot a cat person staring at them on the other side. Like Chiepoo, this Nay-kobold enjoys a comfy sweater, vest, and slacks combo, but his–paired with a popped sweater collar, a jauntily angled tweed newsboy cap, and a sinister expression–makes him look like a gangster. Not an important or successful gangster, mind–like, the guy actual gangsters send to collect protection money and maybe pick up some Starbucks. A feline Micky from Boardwalk Empire. He saunters toward Marvy and Chiepoo, who stare at him like he’s an actual threat, and as he passes Marvy he very purposely bumps him with his shoulder. “Whoops…sorry,” the cat says, in a deep voice that’s maybe the exact opposite of Micky from Boardwalk Empire. What is with everyone in this game having the exact wrong voice? Why does it not fit my exact expectations in every way?!

All three of them turn around as a second cat with a little kid’s voice–possibly Brianne Siddall’s again–wails, “Nalkul-l-l-l! Wait for me!!” Micky, I guess named Nalkul (an incredibly awkward name to type and say), sighs and holds up for his friend, who comically trips and lands in a cloud of dust at everyone’s feet. Nalkul says, “Good grief,” and starts walking again. Chiepoo tries to check on the other cat, but he just gets to his feet with a lot of exaggerated groaning and runs after Nalkul, totally ignoring the strangers. The two of them are about to shrug it off as a weird bit of nothing, until Marvy’s eyes go wide–er, wider–and he pats his right pocket in a panic. Except Nalkul bumped into his left side. Whatever! The point is, Marvy tells Chiepoo, “The Golden Seal…has been stolen!!” Oh no! How will anybody know Marvy is the super important King of Obel now?!

Clearly, this cannot stand–not because the Golden Seal is the most important paperweight ever, but because Marvy is not going to let some low-rent cat thugs get one over on him. It’s the principle of the thing. As Marvy and Chiepoo approach them on Creepy Cat Town’s west side, Nalkul is leaning against a wall, possibly chewing on a toothpick or rolling a pack of cigs into his shirtsleeve. The other cat is holding the Golden Seal up to the sky, delighting in how the sun makes it sparkle. Cats! They’re assholes. “Haven’t you had enough, Champo?” Nalkul asks his partner in life, and crime, I guess. “Give it back. It should go for a high price, so don’t dirty it with your hands.” I mean, he’s correct, given how kobolds of the regular and Nay variety go apeshit for crystal balls and other shiny things, but I’m concerned that the person in this village who would drive up that price is Champo here, and that would kind of be a wash, no? Champo moans, “You’re…gonna sell this? But it’s so pretty.” I rest my case.

Nalkul points out that of course the point is to sell it. “Why do you think I went to all that trouble to get it?” he asks, which only leads me to wonder how he even knew it existed. Marvy didn’t exactly walk into town waving it around, nor has he fashioned it into an over-the-shorts golden strap-on. And as we’ll see, these two weren’t marking the famous Marvy Gaye, either, so when exactly did Nalkul hatch this master scheme? The only reasonable conclusion is that Nalkul is secretly just as addicted to sparkly baubles as Champo, caught a tiny golden glint from the edge of Marvy’s pockets, and his cat brain went into overdrive until it was his.

Nalkul is barely done wrestling the Golden Seal away from Champo (while Champo makes disappointed sex meows for what feels like 10 minutes) when Marvy and Chiepoo show up asking about it, somehow to his surprise. Did he really think that was a seamless theft? Wow. Chiepoo, with a level of savvy and sassiness I did not know he possessed, hilariously describes the Golden Seal with a series of lewd hand gestures and asks if they’ve seen it. Marvy cuts the bullshit and demands they return it, since his other option is echoing Chiepoo’s question, and seemingly without sarcasm. Nalkul pretends he hasn’t seen it, fooling no one, and when Chiepoo advances on him, his brilliant plan is to turn around to where Champo is standing, completely cornered, and throw it back to him. As it is, the idea that Champo would somehow be able to escape, from a worse starting point, is absurd, but then Champo bobbles the Golden Seal and somehow bats it all the way up to a window in one of the cat head buildings, a good 15 feet above them. Within seconds, a tiny black mouse appears in the window, squeaks in an intrigued manner at the object in question, and somehow knocks a chunk of solid fucking gold off the sill and into the building. What in the fuck. Not one element of that sequence made sense. Does Creepy Cat Town have an exemption from physics? Or did the brokedick Obel royal line just plate an buttplug-shaped wad of tinfoil in gold?

Nalkul calls Champo a “blockhead,” like this situation isn’t at least 90 percent of his own making, and Champo just wails that he wasn’t ready for the backward shovel pass. Meanwhile, Chiepoo says to Marvy, “Say, that was the Golden Seal…right?” Marvy nods. “…I figured!” I knew Chiepoo couldn’t keep up the façade of being smart for more than 30 seconds. But with Marvy’s confirmation, he rounds on the other cats, his eyes wide and pupils constricted. “You two!!” he shrieks. Nalkul and Champo groan, because Chiepoo looks fucking terrifying right now. “We need that Golden Seal!” he hollers in their stupid cat faces. “Without it, we won’t be able to gather more allies!” I’d just like to be on the record one more time that this is asinine. But this statement, and an unstated name-drop of the Seaward that only comes up because Champo repeats it, are enough to clue in Nalkul as to who he just pickpocketed. “So you’re celebrities…” Champo says, awestruck. I mean, by Island Nations standards, I suppose. Chiepoo introduces Marvy, and then himself, and yes, the cats are shocked about Marvy, but even more shocked about Chiepoo. “Wait…” Nalkul says. “You’re the legendary Chiepoo?” Even peabrained Champo has heard of him: “They say you left Nay to explore the far corners of the world!”

Was I just complaining that some bullshit with a piece of gold, a mouse, and an abortion of a football play didn’t make sense? More fool I. These two are acting like Chiepoo is some fucking Marco Polo who departed on the high seas decades ago and has since become a folklore hero, except Nalkul is two years older than Chiepoo. Unless Chiepoo left when he was a mewling kitten–stuffed in a burlap sack when some other cat was set adrift for consorting with a (*shudder*) dog kobold–there’s no way these two wouldn’t have already known who he was. His parents are probably still around! What is the goddamn deal with this place?

Chiepoo only takes a moment to bask in the idea that he’s, like, so famous, before getting back to the “problem” at hand. “S-Say…” Nalkul says, now practically wetting himself at being in the presence of the incredible Chiepoo, “Let’s make a little deal… We’ll get the Golden Seal back and return it to you without fail, but…” No. No “but.” You stole it, and then lost it. There is no caveat to you fixing your shit. “In return,” he goes on, ignoring me, “may we join you on your ship? I’m sorry for stealing from you! I’m begging you!” As Chiepoo and Marvy think this over, Nalkul is sure to tell them that the mouse in question is “a crafty one” and that Champo, who otherwise brings absolutely nothing to the table, is “unmatched” as a mouser. “He’s like a cat,” Nalkul says. WOW, HE IS?! Ugh. That is not nearly as funny as some writer thought it was.

I didn’t think there was any way for this interlude in Creepy Cat Town to get worse, but guess what! Champo catching the mouse “for” Marvy just means I get to control him in a terrible minigame! Right before a black screen takes Champo into the building to fulfill his duty, I am informed via the Pokéball GO!!! music that Nalkul and Champo have already joined the Rebellion of Nebulous Purpose. Marvy and Chiepoo are entirely too trusting. They haven’t even done their job yet!