It occurs to me that this is my fiftieth recap. So where are all my fucking presents, people?

Sigh. I guess none of you love me. I’ll have to go cry in my bedroom closet after I finish this thing. So let’s get on with it. In the inaugural recap of Marvy Gaye’s Butt Pirate Chronicles, we got to know Marvy and his pompous, prissy boyfriend Slowe, their ugmo Gaien Knight friends, and a cat person with a huge head. We learned that Marvy, bless him, takes most of Slowe’s emotional abuse with good grace, partly because he’s a fool in love, but also because he’s a bit shallow and realizes any other potential boyfriends for miles around would be a major downgrade in the looks department.

When we last left them, Marvy and Slowe had just been told they have been assigned a candlelit mission for two. Keneth and Paula get the hint that they’re not invited and slink away sadly at the entrance to the Knights’ Hall. I was hoping Marvy and Slowe could use this alone time to have a little celebration back in Marvy’s bedroom, but when they enter the hall they’re automatically shunted into the meeting room to get the details of their mission from Scruffy and Katarina. I’d say all work and no play makes Marvy a dull boy, but the natural fabulousness of Suikoden males protects them from any suffering from lack of luster.

Lord Fingerbang is also at this briefing for some reason. Maybe he wanted to be here for his son’s first real mission, so he could take a bunch of pictures of Slowe and Marvy. “All grown up!” he’ll sniff from behind his camera, as Slowe slips a corsage around Marvy’s delicate wrist. Such a beautiful couple! And Marvy looks so lovely in his gossamer gown!

But enough of that. I shouldn’t be using this recap to advertise my fanfictions, anyway. After getting some mild praise from Scruffy for the completion of their lame Middleport fetch quest, Slowe and Marvy are introduced to a bald, bespectacled man named Ramada, of a company called Orark Maritime Trade. Ramada–at least, in his character portrait–has a smug smirk on his face that makes him appear inherently untrustworthy. Clearly, this is a premature judgment on my part and Ramada will prove to be completely innocent and good. Treachery and betrayal? On our boys’ very first real mission? Like, no way.

Ramada balks that these “children” are being put in charge, and Slowe counters, “We are hardly children. I am a Knight of Gaien, [Slowe Fingerbang]. Likewise, this is Marvy, my mute love slave.” Marvy says nothing to dispel the strongly implied notion that he is inferior to Slowe, though they both just graduated, what, the day before yesterday? God, Marvy, stand up for yourself. Ramada is still wary, so Katarina tries to put his fears to rest, saying, “There is no need for concern. Numerous training exercises have left them quite familiar with the Iluya area.” I’ll have to take her word for it, since they sure as hell haven’t been there on my watch.

And can they ever handle them.

Ramada is not sold, and whines that the waters between Razril and Iluya are rife with pirates. Whether or not they are of the butt variety Ramada does not specify, but we can assume that they are. Katarina assures Ramada that these boys are trained to deal with pirates. In all sorts of fun ways. He finally relents. “Sir [Slowe], Sir Marvy…” he says, “I would like to entrust you both to guide us to Iluya. It sounds pitiful, but we were attacked by monsters on our way home from Middleport.” Yeah, he’s right. It does sound pitiful. On the other hand, it’s not surprising men in this game would be rendered helpless against a simple hairy vagina monster.

Once Ramada has wrapped up his sob story about drifting to Razril following the monster attack, Slowe puffs up and brags, “The Iluya area, is it? We have trained in that region of the sea many times. It will not pose a problem for us.” Yeah, Katarina said that already. Put away your penis ruler, Slowe. Katarina asks if Ramada is going to Iluya to trade. “No, the TRADE in Orark Maritime TRADE is just a holdover from the company’s early days. We actually manufacture gummi penises now,” I wish Ramada would reply. Instead, he says he’s going to Iluya to sell spices from down south. I’m sure that’s the gospel truth and not a (dirty-sounding) cover. Finally, Scruffy appoints Slowe as captain of this mission. “Sir [Scruffy],” Lord Fingerbang objects, “isn’t this mission too simple for [Slowe]? I wouldn’t mind at all if you sent him to lead the front lines.” Does that sound to anyone else like “Please get him out of my house–he hogs the bathroom mirror every morning!”? Maybe it’s just me. Scruffy politely reminds Slowe’s dad who’s wearing the fucking Commander Pants around here, and Lord Fingerbang reluctantly accepts his decision and tells Slowe not to disappoint them. No pressure.

Slowe and Ramada arrange to meet up later once they’re ready to go, and the boys are dismissed. Out in the corridor, Slowe “discusses” his new leadership role with Marvy. Slowe plays it up as nervousness, but it’s so obvious that he’s internally squeeing over the captainship and wants Marvy to be all, “You’re soooooo gonna be the best captain ever, baby!” But Marvy hasn’t forgotten that Slowe acted like a condescending asshat when he was the captain in their training exercise, and thus shows no delight whatsoever in Slowe’s new rank. Of course, he says nothing at all one way or the other, but as the recapper it’s my right to interpret the Silent Hero’s silence however the hell I like.

Outside, Slowe announces he’s going to “go check on the ship” and says they’ll meet up later. As Slowe girlishly waves goodbye, Marvy stares after him, the question “Who did he blow to get to be captain?” so plain on his face it may as well be written there with a Sharpie.

And now I get control of Marvy again. Actually, Marvy has no real preparations to make before leaving; he and Slowe have the best equipment available and plenty of healing items and other supplies. But going to the ship right now just gets a blank-faced stare from the Gaienclone standing next to it. In fact, this pre-mission break is merely a contrived excuse for Marvy to “accidentally” overhear a conversation at the docks in town. May as well get it over with.

Like I said, at the docks, a man and a woman are discussing something very hush-hush. Well, not really, since Marvy is standing a good twenty yards away and he can hear them just fine. The man, Akaghi, says, “Oh man… We’ve come so far just to buy THAT? And now we’ve drifted into Gaien territory! This is ridiculous!” For some reason–I couldn’t tell you exactly what it is about him–Akaghi looks like a Muppet to me. A Muppet with really pointy hair. The woman, who is named Mizuki and looks to be braless, replies, “We need to leave this area of the sea as quickly as possible.” Apparently she’s noticed all the gay male knights walking around and has realized this is no place for a woman.

Akaghi makes absolutely sure we don’t miss the underlying assumptions of this conversation: “We’re running late as it is,” he whines. “I’ll bet Mr. Ramada’s gonna chew us out. Man, this stinks, I don’t want to go back.” Does he not want to go back to Ramada (who might have to choke a bitch, it seems) or does he not want to go back to wherever it is they’re from? If it’s the latter, he was just going on that they had to come so far to do this job, like he didn’t want to come here in the first place. Either way all I’m hearing is a grown man’s sniveling. Mizuki tells him that they were probably the only ones who could have done this job, whatever their job is, as you can bet it’s not spice trading. “Still… You never know what the Chairman’s thinking,” says Akaghi. “We could get back, and he might suddenly say, ‘You useless dogs!’ and then…chop!” Another guy who enjoys indiscriminate decapitations? I hope this one knows how to hold back on the exclamation points, at least.

Mizuki suddenly says, “Akaghi, you don’t know who might be listening in on us…” like it’s this random comment about “the Chairman” that could really land them in hot water, and not all the stuff before that, which basically amounted to “WE ARE SMUGGLING ILLEGAL GOODS!!! HELLO LAW ENFORCEMENT!!!” Also, they know (or should know) perfectly well who could be listening in on them. Right there. The one in the red headband and culottes who’s been intently staring at you for the duration of this scene. Jesus, he’s not even trying to hide.

‘Ma’am, I think your clothes just fell off.’

After a beat, the two of them realize Marvy has been standing there this whole time. Supposedly these two are ninjas, yet they weren’t aware enough of their surroundings to notice the flamboyant member of the local military eavesdropping in plain sight? They should have their stealth licenses revoked. Akaghi stammers incoherently, while Mizuki grins too widely at Marvy and says, “It’s nothing, really! Honestly, nothing. Nothing at all.” Smooth, Mizuki. I bet he doesn’t suspect a thing. She mutters in an aside to her companion, “Akaghi, don’t slip up!” to which Akaghi smirks and says the kid is obviously a nobody anyway. “It can’t hurt to be a little cautious,” Mizuki says. “For all we know, he could end up as our guide or something.” Akaghi scoffs, “No way. Mr. Ramada isn’t that stupid.”

…OMG, THE IRONY. I JUST GOT IT.

With that bit of jackhammering out of the way, Akaghi and Mizuki exit the scene, and Marvy is again free to wander around…or to go to the ship if he likes. Isn’t it convenient that Marvy “needed” to come into town before commencing the mission? Otherwise he might have missed out on this crucial information!

Well. Marvy’s not about to be the spineless yes-man of the game designers, especially when he already fills that function for Slowe. Since he was forced to come to town anyway, he’s going to make the best of it, by God. Marvy does his stick-up-the-butt run all the way to Razril’s inn. Inside he finds an older red-haired man named Konrad. Konrad has a thick beard, and looks like he could be Scruffy’s older, hairier brother. So I’ll call him Grizzly McGee. Grizz actually has nothing of use to say. When Marvy talks to him he just mutters, “Hmm? What does a Knight want? I have long since retired.” And that’s it–at least until way later. But I said in the forums that I would mention Grizz in this recap, and here he is. Happy?

Outside the inn is someone slightly more interesting, simply because he’s a male who isn’t covered in hair and a million years old. This young, smooth-faced fellow is called Basil, and he likes to wear oversized cutoff sweaters that expose his bony shoulders. Sexy. Like Akaghi, Basil also reminds me of a Muppet, but in this case I can tell you why: he has an extremely large mouth, giving the impression that his head might flap open when he talks. The whole effect is that he looks like some stuck-in-the-’80s, blowjob-happy Muppet that Bert and Ernie met at the Y.

Ménage-à-trois!

Basil notices that Marvy is bored and invites him to play a game. Sadly, it’s nothing kinky, just a lame little minigame involving tops. It looks like a very non-flashy ripoff of Beyblades, and I say this knowing next to nothing about Beyblades, so let’s just hope no frothing-at-the-mouth Beyblades fanboys read VGR. Basically, Marvy must toss his tops out onto a little table and use them to boink Basil’s tops off the table. Okay, maybe it is a little kinky. Lots of bumping and grinding, anyway. Plus, the tops must be wound up before Marvy can toss them, which requires me to jerk the analog stick in a counterclockwise motion. Right up my alley–the analog stick is about the size of my tiny, prepubescent penis.

Of course, it seems that knowing how to play the game has no actual bearing on winning the game, so after Marvy loses a couple of times he leaves Basil to playing solo with his tops. The prizes were lame anyway. The very least Basil could have offered was that whip he has draped around his neck.