But Kika will still put in a good word if they want to try anyway. And they do–or more accurately, Marvy does, because Lido is a lazy dick. Marvy returns to the ship, but all thoughts of drunk auntie Elenor are driven from his mind when he spots two Kooluk ships approaching the Nest of Pirates. And who is in charge of this attack? Might it be the newly appointed captain of the Fake Anti-Pirate Task Force? It might!
Slowe Fingerbang stands on the deck of the lead ship, still in his pale green dandy ensemble, hands on his hips, a petulant frown on his punchable fucking face. “Aha! I’ve finally found you!” he shouts at the island. “Pirate Kika’s gang! Prepare for battle!!” Didn’t he receive this promotion, like, a week ago? How long has he really been looking? This is sad already.
This bitch.
Back on Marvy’s ship, Keneth, Paula, and the male pirates have all joined him on deck, and Keneth has recognized that punchable fucking face across the water. Dario is shocked that they know this douche, and this douche is shocked that they know pirates. A Koolukclone asks Slowe for his instructions in a tone that strongly suggests everyone on board hates Slowe’s incompetent guts, and Slowe only lets his conscience delay him for half a second before responding, “We’ll attack… Yes, these pirates must die so that…all may navigate the seas in safety!” He purses his lips a little more at this, like he needs to have the perfect imperious pouty face in place when he sends Marvy to his death. Again.
Sigurd is all confused about Kooluk hunting pirates because he wasn’t in the room when Katarina explained all this, so I twiddle my thumbs and wait for him, Hervey, and Dario to catch up to the rest of us. After Hervey is done ranting about Slowe’s hypocritical behavior–I guess they’re all within earshot of each other–Paula just goes, “[S-Slowe]!” Thanks for your contribution, as always.
The ensuing naval battle is entitled “FORMER FRIEND,” which makes Marvy want to laugh until he cries and then vomits. Lido says, hilariously, “Marvy, never let your guard down, no matter how well you know your enemy!” Translation: Slowe is a useless boob, but there might be other people on that boat who know what the fuck they’re doing! Slowe’s two ships are equipped with earth/lightning and fire/wind rune cannon combos. The former can be neutralized with earth only, and the latter with fire only, so fire/earth cannons for Marvy and Kika’s ships! Well, if someone over there does know what the fuck they’re doing, they are not in charge of rune cannons, obviously.
What kind of fucking idiot do you take me for, game?
Slowe’s strategy, even though he’s all about killing pirates, is to focus on Marvy’s ship and ignore the other ship with a bunch of notorious pirates on it, leaving Kika free to harry both the Kooluk ships while Marvy’s massive tank of a ship absorbs all their attacks with ease. Slowe’s ship goes down in four hits and its sister ship in a few more, without either of Marvy’s ships taking a single hit. So Slowe is still great at this leadership stuff. On his ship, Slowe orders the retreat in his saddest voice and hangs his head–no, really, he literally hangs his head. He is so affected, it’s like he’s the Broadway musical version of himself.
As Slowe’s ships slink away with their rudders between their hulls, Paula tells Keneth and Marvy that they’d better follow him and beat an explanation for his assholishness out of him. Except Paula says this, so it’s with no invective at all. I make the ship sail north, generally, toward Razril–of course it wobbles around in the water like a drunken child on a pool noodle, because nothing with this fucking ship can be easy, ever. Marvy chases Slowe all the way back to motherfucking Razril (helping the Buttsex Pirates learn the Pirate Attack on the way, for which they engage in a forced platonic high five), and I’m starting to think this is totally not worth the effort, but then the next scene happens.
Slowe’s ship pulls into the Razril docks, and he’s finally thinking he’s safe and sound, but suddenly a wave of flaming arrows fly from the harbor and thud into the deck. Slowe ducks for cover as one of his men says, “Sir! We’re being attacked with flaming arrows!” Wow, thanks, Paula. Even better, Slowe, who has been here the entire time, replies, “Flaming arrows?!” Jesus fuck. He commands the men–that “MY ARM” quaver in his voice returning–to put out the fires. But they all just stand there as a man screams from the harbor, “[Slowe]!! We’ll never forgive the traitor who sold Razril out!!” He sounds legit fucking angry, too. Marvy-level angry. More citizens of Razril stream out of the buildings, with actual goddamn torches in their hands, but no pitchforks. Sigh. They all scream at him and one guy calls him a bastard. And of course Slowe looks like he just can’t believe it, as he has the self-awareness of a toaster oven.
Up on the ramparts of the knights’ fortress, a couple of Kooluk soldiers are having a good chuckle as they watch this scene unfold. “Hehe, take a look at that. The poor captain must be wetting his pants…” one says. The other actually wonders if they can find a spot that will afford them a better view. And there must be a popcorn machine around here somewhere! This is glorious. Even the guys who wear iron Sith helmets on open water think Slowe is a total joke. But the Kooluk Statler and Waldorf are busted by their commanding officer, an attractive young man with an air of killjoy about him. “Hurry up and quiet them down!” the commander says, hands on his hips. What a fucking hall monitor. “If we let them get out of hand, they’ll turn against us next!” I’m sure the people of Razril aren’t all that enthusiastic about Kooluk occupation, but they’d probably gladly take that over the Fingerbang father and son regime. Nonetheless, the two soldiers do as they’re told. The commander “hmphs” as they leave, no doubt wondering if he can write them up for a dress code violation. More about this bundle of tightly wound daddy issues later, though.
Back at the harbor, Slowe is now yelling back at the angry mob, because that totally seems like it would help. As the flaming arrows are still flying in his direction, he shouts, “S-Stop it!! Why are you doing this?! We would have all become slaves had it not been for me! You know that!!” I didn’t realize Kooluk was a slave economy, but the information I have about Kooluk at this point wouldn’t fill Slowe’s lone brain cell. The mob ignores his weak justification and insults him more, and one lady notes that Lord Fingerbang peaced out of Razril ages ago, because he’s a cowardly shitheel, but unlike his son he’s no fool. “Don’t you dare set foot on Razril ever again!” she adds. And how does Slowe respond to his citizens’ claims of oppression and mistreatment by him and the Kooluk? “All I did was accept Kooluk’s deal!” he protests. “It was in our best interests! Really! Why am I being blamed for it?!” He sounds like he’s about to cry at that last line, by the way. This man has never found a cross too tall or rickety to climb upon.
Actually, I have to give him credit for standing there while the arrows are flying, and not fleeing below decks.
Of course, Slowe shuts up with a quickness when one of the flaming arrows lands with a thunk right in the railing in front of his heart, and he crawls out of there on all fours, sniveling and sobbing. One of his men braves the fire barrage to ask what his orders are, and is forced to wait as Slowe pounds his fist into the deck and sobs, “Damn it! Why?! Why?! Why?!” I swear to God I am recapping the actual game, and not a fanfic I wrote called “Slowe of Arc.” Eventually he gives the order to get out to sea before an arrow lights his tights on fire.
Never mind!
Of course, it’s not as easy as escaping to sea, because Marvy’s ship is lying in wait at a safe distance. Slowe takes being a prisoner over being immolated, though, and a black screen later he is being manhandled by a couple pirate Suikoclones and brought to stand before Marvy and Lido. I can’t tell from this angle, but I would guess that Marvy has the boner to end all boners. It’s like an obelisk in honor of schadenfreude in his pants. Slowe tries to play it cool, like that’s even possible for him, and says, “I’ve got nothing to say. Do what you will with me…” Once upon a time Marvy would have taken that very differently, but he is a new man. Marvy has three choices for how to deal with Slowe: he can ask him to join the group (Slowe will refuse), he can execute him, or he can do what he’s been fantasizing about since the day he left Razril, and set that motherfucker adrift. “Let the sea determine his fate,” Marvy says, one hand down his shorts.
A black screen later, Slowe and a single Kooluk soldier who can’t possibly deserve this are in a rowboat. Slowe looks up at Marvy and says, “Don’t think I owe you anything for this! I despise how you always have to play the nice guy…” Oh my God, Slowe. Really? REALLY?! Marvy appropriately does not dignify this bullshit with a response, and simply watches as his ship pulls away from the dinghy. Well, he may be flipping a double bird in Slowe’s direction, but the camera is pulled back too far for me to tell. Let’s say he is.
I thank my lucky stars for Viki at this point, since she saves me the interminable agony of sailing all the way back to the Nest of Pirates from Razril. It sucked quite enough the first time.
Outside of the Nest of Pirates, Marvy has Haruto spin the ship in circles–on purpose for once–until yet another goddamn mermaid pops up out of nowhere, shouting “Heeeyyy!!” Lilin also pops up out of nowhere to tell Marvy this voice belongs to “Big Sister Lilon!” Lilon has an auburn ponytail that makes her look entirely too similar to Kate, but her dark gray fish lady bottom clears up any confusion. She too joins up without Marvy ever having a say in the matter.
With four of the five mermaids stowed safely in deck four, Marvy can now recruit the last one, who has apparently been hanging around Iluya this whole time, enjoying its ’80s softcore theme music, but is only visible now that Marvy has found her four sisters. Mermaid #5 is named Liloon, obviously, and she kind of reminds me of Gwen Cooper from Torchwood. But with orange gills and scales. And presumably no Welsh accent. And no harem of dudes who find her inexplicably fascinating and beddable. Anyway, Liloon doesn’t give Marvy a sob story or even introduce herself before she’s inviting herself aboard the ship. The whole exchange with her takes maybe 1.5 seconds. And now that he’s done recruiting mermaids, Marvy can just cordon off their room with police tape and pretend they’re not there.
Marvy has now exhausted his recruiting options, has played all the Ritapon that could be considered useful in one day, and is beyond sick of warping between Nay, Na-Nal and Mordo just for meager gains from the trading posts. So it is time to move the story forward and meet the latest, or earliest, I guess, Silverberg.
Perrault actually found someone worse than Dear Prudence.
Elenor’s home, an island called the Hermitage (it may as well be called the Foreshadowing), is a short distance northwest from the Nest of Pirates. So short, in fact, that it only takes less than two minutes of sailing to reach it. I cannot emphasize enough how miraculous this is. It’s like Marvy got to teleport there. Rat Boy announces that they’ve arrived, and the male pirates insist on accompanying Marvy to Elenor, even though, per Sigurd, “This will actually be our first time here as well. Even so, I believe we’ll be of some help to you.” Oh, perfect. Look, Marvy is not going to turn down Sigurd and Hervey if they want to go on a day trip with him, but my white ass they’ll “help.”
The Hermitage strongly resembles a graphically “improved” version of Leknaat’s astrology hangout, minus the tower and the sassy teenager summoning earth golems with a wind rune. Marvy and the dude pirates fight through purple monkey rats–Sigurd and Hervey exchanging more repressed high-fives instead of macking like I want them to–and soon the group arrives at Elenor’s home. It’s…not nice. It looks like an old Japanese manor house gone completely to pot. There is mold everywhere. Hervey declares it a dump and “no place for a human to live,” just so someone can overhear him and be all offended. Helping already, lads! “What an inconsiderate thing to say,” a young lady replies. I get to see her before the boys can, and the girl has a pinched expression and dark hair in a complicated bobby pin arrangement I would never pull off. She storms through the manor gate so they too can see her, yelling at them for being “beyond rude” and demanding to know what the hell they’re doing there. Hervey stammers an apology, though I can’t tell whether it’s to her or Marvy. Or both!
Now I wish Elenor were a talking dog.
The girl just asked why they’re here, but she brushes past Hervey and asks Marvy, “So it’s you! Marvy?” So she knew about them already. Fine. Even though dogs know this is not Elenor Silverberg, Marvy’s two options for a response are “Are you Ms. Elenor?” or “Ms. Elenor… You’re quite young.” God dammit. Maybe Slowe is constantly forced to choose between two things to say that will make him look like an idiot, and that’s why he is the way he is. The girl seems to understand that Marvy’s hands have been tied and doesn’t roll her eyes at him. “No, my name is Agnes,” she says. “I am Lady Elenor’s pupil. I also take care of her.” That is an ominous job description. I’m picturing a lot of vomit cleanup. More ominous still, Agnes tells them she’s the one who talked to Kika, so Elenor may not be exactly on board with their visit. Hervey pushes to see the lady in charge, only for Agnes to ask him, “You like meat, yes?” Boy howdy, sister. Agnes says she’ll bring them some grub, then, while they wait for Elenor. “Please have as much as you like,” she is sure to add, with a much kinder tone than before, so we all understand what’s about to happen. In a word: roofies.