How fitting that I am starting to write this on the same day that I got FFX a year ago (December 19th). Yes, it’s been a year since North Americans were first subjected to Tightass. Not a happy anniversary.
When we last left our heroes (and I use that term loosely for everyone except Auron and perhaps Lulu), they had just witnessed the massacre at Operation Mi’ihen. With the operation over, whatever will the Magical Foreshadowing Wizard endlessly allude to?
Tightass heads toward the path leading up the cliffs to find Auron sticking it to Maester Kinoc. Okay, that came out wrong — Auron is telling off Maester Kinoc over the outcome of the operation. “The past ten years have changed you, I see,” Kinoc comments. Ten years with Tightass would change anyone, and not for the better. Poor Auron.
Meanwhile, Yuna looks as if she’s bowing to a rock wall when Maester Seymour slinks around the corner and walks toward her. “You do not look so well,” Seymour notes tactfully, thinking that Yuna is a little too close to being of age. He tells her that she needs to stay strong for the sake of the people of Spira. She gasps and the camera does this sudden close-up on her, as if Seymour is telling her something surprising, rather than reiterating the entire conversation she had with Tightass before they left Luca. Seymour drones on about how Yuna can’t afford to show weakness, and we see a shot of Wakka paying his respects to the dead by doing that stupid Yevon bow.
“Until Sin is defeated, you must not relent. Do you understand?” Seymour talks to Yuna as if she’s four years old. And you know how much he would like that. “No, dumbass, I thought I was supposed to wuss out and run away from Sin,” Yuna would reply if she had half a backbone around members of the male persuasion. Instead, she bobs her head and says she understands. Seymour asks if she’s afraid. I sure would be if some scary pig-tailed pedophile were hitting on me. When Yuna doesn’t reply, Seymour offers, “Yuna, take me as your pillar of strength. As Yunalesca had her lord Zaon.” This is very significant to Yuna, but the rest of us assholes have no clue at this point who in the heck Yunalesca and Zaon are (theoretically, anyway), so the line loses all impact, except to creep us out.
That’s just…wrong.
Seymour bids Yuna farewell, and the scene fades out on Yuna bowing to Seymour’s turned back. We unfortunately return to Tightass, who goes over to talk to Auron. Again, poor Auron. “Sin is Jecht,” our favorite red-robed studmuffin repeats wearily, as Tightass still hasn’t completely caught on. “Yeah, for a while there, I thought I could feel him,” Tightass replies, as if it isn’t at all weird that he was feeling his dad. “But that doesn’t mean I believe you,” he quickly wanks. Auron decapitates Tightass and the entire game is over. Actually, he repeats that Sin is Jecht. He then tells Tightass that Sin showed up because of Tightass’s supreme wankitude. “So he killed all those people just for a chance to see me?” Tightass demands. “That’s what Sin does, dumbass,” Auron replies. He goes on to say that Jecht wanted Tightass to understand what Sin was all about. I guess Jecht/Sin is going to have to kill a lot more people if he’s waiting for Tightass to get a clue. When Tightass expresses ignorance as to the reason for Sin to do such a thing, Auron explains it in single syllables: “So you would kill him.” Apparently, being a giant diabolical sea monster really sucks. It sucks enough to want to be killed by Tightass. Words cannot express how sad that is.
I hope a bird shits in there.
Dear God. Tightass still doesn’t believe what Auron is saying. Because Auron has always been the type of guy that just makes shit up. “How do you know all of this, anyway?” Tightass wanks. Auron laughs at him and then starts to walk away. “I’m not done talking to you! Don’t you run away!” Whiny von Wankenstein shrieks, as if there were any reason in hell why Auron should ever listen to him. “You’re the one running,” Auron says without even looking back. Burn.
Ew.
Tightass’s hood really does look like a nutsack (tm HisGrouchyness).
Tightass continues up the path, finding Shelinda attending to several hurt Crusaders. Thankfully she doesn’t say much, but offers to heal Tightass. The save sphere, which heals the party completely, is only a few steps away. Good job, game designers. Also, after what I had to hear the last time Shelinda did any healing, I would decline even if the next save point or inn was at the end of the game.
After Tightass passes Shelinda, he finds the magical party members who have somehow made it up the path before him, despite at least one of them being on the beach a moment before. Kimahri randomly stands with Tightass as the rest of the group walks ahead. Yuna cheerfully tells them to hurry up. Tightass makes a smartass comment to Kimahri regarding Yuna’s happy disposition. “In dark times she must be. She must shine bright,” Kimahri says as his first line. In case you couldn’t tell, this is supposed to be a Huge Significant Moment, what with Kimahri finally breaking his silence and all. Too bad it’s just another reiteration of the “Yuna has to act happy for everyone else’s sake” conversation that we heard not three minutes earlier. Tightass even says, “Don’t worry, be happy.” Sometimes I hate the localization team.
Since Kimahri has been going on and on (in his way) about how all the guardians have to act happy for Yuna’s sake, too, Tightass tells Kimahri to smile. The big blue lion dude tries, but only manages to look more pissed off. “Sad,” Tightass wanks, as if he has the right to put anyone else down.
Wakka really is stoned.
The next several minutes are spent walking along the path and fighting random battles with all sorts of new monsters that look almost identical to other monsters we’ve seen so far. Because game designers aren’t lazy in the least. There are a lot of familiar faces along the path. Okay, not a lot, really, but we do see Lucil, Elma, and Clasko run by. Lucil is the only one on a chocobo. Something bad must have happened to all the other ones during Operation Mi’ihen, but I’m sure they’ll beat us over the head with it later, so let’s move on. In some expository dialogue involving various NPCs that we’ve never seen before (or don’t remember having seen before), we learn that the Yevon clergy is offering refuge to the excommunicated Crusaders because they’re so nice and all that.
Wow, a dead body. Thanks.
Along the path, Tightass finds a Bright Bangle for Lulu. Thanks, game designers. Now I’ll be able to make sure that Lulu is always able to use her mad Mog skillz without being inflicted with Darkness. Wankers.
The party reaches a fork in the road, triggering another cutscene. Once again, Tidus is being an idiot. He asks, “How much longer till Zanarkand?” Translation: “Are we there yet?” Since it’s already been stated that Zanarkand is at the end of the journey, this is an opportunity for Lulu to list the itinerary for the next couple of game hours: Guadosalam, the city of — wait for it — the Guado (and, presumably, Maester Molester himself), the Thunder Plains, and the temple of Macalania. Lulu, however, has left the most immediate of the temples out of her list, prompting Yuna to say in the most annoying sing-song line reading ever, “And before that, we get to pray at the temple in Djose!” “We can’t skip all that? Can we, huh?” Tightass wanks. Yes, Yuna is going to fail at the rest of her pilgrimage, just so you can see your ruined hometown a little bit sooner, dumbass. “I have to pray to the fayth in every temple in order to earn the Final Aeon,” Yuna explains.
Wakka exposits some more about the purpose of the journey and a summoner’s training, which we already know. “Must be tough, Yuna,” Tightass says stupidly, as if she hasn’t come out of the last two Chambers of the Fayth tired and sweaty. But Tightass doesn’t get the award for the stupidest line in this scene. Nope, that goes to Yuna, who tells him, “I’ll be fine with you here!”
Suddenly, the handy dandy world map appears, showing us our next destination. Pretend you didn’t read about it two paragraphs or two recaps ago. It’s the Temple of Yevon-Djose. Surprise!
Presumably everyone has continued down the path except for Tightass and Auron. “Hey, new guy,” Auron says mockingly. “Uh…me?” Tightass wanks. No, that fucking dragon monster over there. “Who else?” Auron asks, wondering why Tightass couldn’t have died in Operation Mi’ihen. “What can I do for you, boss?” Tightass inquires. At this point, anyone who has the desire to write an Auron/Tightass fanfiction needs to do us all a favor shoot him- or herself in the head. Auron tells Tightass not to tell Yuna that Sin is Jecht. I think she’s in more danger of finding it out from Auron, since he’s the one who says “Sin is Jecht” every ten seconds. Tightass emits an obligatory “Huh?”, which prompts Auron to explain his reasoning. “She would…distance herself from you. We don’t want that.” Yes. Yes we do. Why is Auron playing pimp daddy to Tightass all of a sudden? This is disturbing. “I see. I think,” Tightass says, even though he hasn’t understood a single word anyone’s said for the entire game. Then he wanks on that no one would believe anything he said even if he did happen to let it slip that his dad is Sin. “Yuna would,” Auron replies in a voice that makes it sound like Yuna would believe just about anything. Well, I guess she would.