The people who built this particular maze of death put convenient teleportation squares around the area. Well that was nice of them. Instead of partaking of the magical platforms, I follow the strategy guide’s advice and use this opportunity to build levels, as I am stuck with Yuna and only Yuna. Hey, it’s an improvement over Tightass. Yes, even in battle, since she now has Bahamut, who can hit all enemies at once. The only problem with this scenario is that Yuna insists on saying a wankily dramatic line such as, “Go! Fight on!” every time Bahamut appears. Another thing to note is that Bahamut has been seriously gayed up since the previous Final Fantasies. He now sports red, gold, and purple plumage that would make the Helmaroc Queen envious. Not to mention the fact that he has a golden wheel thing floating above his head.

Now that’s just fabulous.

Yuna wanders about the maze for a while, and eventually stumbles upon Kimahri. I like how I make it sound so random when in fact I am religiously following the strategy guide maps. OMG I 4M NOT TEH 1337 G4M0R!!1!1!!! Kimahri apologizes for leaving Yuna alone, even though they didn’t really leave her at all. But whatever — the entire world revolves around Yuna, so everyone has to kiss her ass at all times.

A short time later, Yuna finds Auron. He’s all business, telling them to search for the damn exit. But first we have one more person to find. Obviously, it’s Lulu. “Lulu, I…” Yuna trails off, most likely about to express her undying love, to hell with the script that says they both have to end up with wankers. “It’s okay, I know,” Lulu replies. Oh baby.

At this point, Yuna has in her party the three non-annoying guardians. If life were fair, the game would continue in this fashion without ever rejoining the other three. As some cosmic entity obviously hates me, this of course does not happen.

After some more wandering and fighting, Yuna and company happen upon Gay Ponytail Man, who has been waiting for them. Yuna wants to know what he is doing there, and GPM provides us with a completely meaningless explanation of his trip from the airship to Bevelle. Now he has been ordered by Kinoc to “deal with the traitors.” First of all, I thought Seymour was going to deal with them. Where the hell did GPM come into all this? Also, I love how he’s all surprised to find out that Yuna is the traitor, when he would have witnessed the whole divebombing Bevelle sequence. But whatever. The game designers decided that the party had to meet up with one of their NPC “buddies,” so we get this sequence.

Auron skeptically wonders if GPM is going to fight them. GPM spews some Wakka-esque crap about how he will obey the orders of Yevon, no matter what. Since he has a hard-on for Yuna’s dad, he expresses some reluctance, but then he’s all, “YOU’RE A DIRTY TRAITOR OMG.” Lulu notes that she doesn’t see his guardians. Like they’d be much of a challenge anyway. They’re conveniently not around, and GPM is all set to kick ass himself. As if. His very next sentence is, “Forgive me, Lady Yuna.” Wait, wasn’t he all pissed off at her for being a traitor?

Obviously, Auron, Lulu, and Kimahri could easily give GPM a reaming he wouldn’t forget. Of course this means that the game designers made this a battle between Yuna and GPM only. We already know that Yuna is useless as a fighter, and I’m assuming the same is true of GPM — I mean, look at him. Therefore, this is an aeon battle. GPM tries to sound all menacing when he announces, “Your aeons against mine” but he fails. Miserably.

As in all aeon battles, the person who is not Yuna gets to summon first. Luckily for me, he summons Ifrit. I’ll give you one guess who Yuna summons. Go on, guess. See, I knew you could. Bahamut flies in on his fruity wings to do some ass-whooping. Next, GPM summons Valefor, of all things. God, what an idiot. This time, Yuna’s Bahamut goes out of commission. Hey, he was already down to low HP. Don’t look at me like that. Shiva finishes the job, because her boobs are perkier than Valefor’s.

Finally, GPM gets half a clue and summons his version of Bahamut. Even though the thing has like a gazillion HP, it’s weaker than shit. At least my Bahamut lasted for more than one round. Luckily, GPM doesn’t have anything cooler than Bahamut, so as soon as it’s defeated, GPM’s ass is toast.

After the battle, GPM is lying on the ground like a little bitch. Lulu suggests they get the hell out of there. GPM, trying to show that he’s not such a bad guy, though circumstances have forced him to be a dickhole, tells Yuna that the exit is just ahead. Yuna bows in gratitude, and everyone goes on their merry way. Except for Auron, who informs GPM, “Your pilgrimage is over.” I just love how Auron is able to put people down so succintly. I also love how he took the time to kick GPM when he was already down — figuratively speaking, of course. It warms my cold black heart.

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Now that the land-based characters have found their way, via land, to the exit, it’s time to rejoin the water wankers. As expected, they are still underwater. Conveniently, a save point and an item store (disguised as a treasure chest) are nearby. How kind of the Yevonites to allow their death row prisoners to stock up on life-saving items. Also, lights line the water-filled tunnels, making it easier for everyone to see. Both of these features make the slew of random battles much easier. And just a side note — Tightass isn’t the most useless person on the team. Nope, that’d be Rikku. Although I’ve been using her in battle more than Tightass, she’s still way underpowered. Because she’s a girl, and girls must always suck in battle, even though logic would dictate that Tightass would be the suckiest. God damn game designers.

The trio makes its way into a larger chamber where a boss awaits them, of course. A bunch of pyreflies gather, our first indication that whatever they’re about to fight is deceased. A big funnel of light swirls around, revealing a palette-swapped version of Evrae, the former Squally dragon. Oops, I mean that it’s a zombie version of Evrae, minus the gay wings. According to the strategy guide, I can fight this boss in one of two ways. The first method uses trigger commands to open the gates, escaping to various chambers until Evrae is trapped in the final chamber, where it will receive more damage. The other method uses a phoenix down to kill the boss in one hit, allowing the party to collect various items which are unavailable if the first method is used. I think it goes without saying what I did at this point. Good lord, what a no-brainer.

Two seconds later, when Evrae “dies,” I collect all the items and head for the exit. Jeebus cripes, I’m still insulted at how easy that battle was. And I like easy battles.

Apparently, the land-based maze dungeon and gigantic waterway both lead to a majestic, open-air decorative hallway, because this is where the unfortunate reunion scene takes place. Rikku shrieks, “Yunie!” upon encountering her cousin, and runs forward to hug her, babbling the entire time about how great it is to see her. Yuna finally hugs her back, causing doujinshi writers to furiously scribble naughty pictures with their crusty pens. Tightass isn’t content to enjoy the show, however, as he’s all, “Um…I…uh…” God forbid he’s not Yuna’s center of attention. Before he can inject any more of his brand of wankishness into the scene, the creepy pedophile music starts up, announcing Seymour’s entrance. We’ve already been informed that Seymour would be at the exit, but it would be funny if Seymour showed up after they escaped and ended up all pissy about it. Alas, Square is nothing if not completely freaking predictable, so let’s just hurry through this stupid scene.

Seymour and his Guado cronies walk forward in formation, accompanied by Maester Kinoc. As they get closer, we see that Kinoc is not conscious. In fact, he is dead. A guard has been supporting him from behind, making him walk in a total Weekend at Bernie’s fashion. As they reach Yuna and her companions, the guard pushes Kinoc forward to land face-down on the ground. Again, this is just to show what a bad dude Seymour is, not that any of us really give two shits about Kinoc anyway. I mean, has he actually done anything in this game except hang around and be slightly creepy? Exactly.

Auron and Tightass are completely pissed off, however. I can see why Auron might be a mite peeved that his former buddy just got murdered by a pedo, but what the fuck does Tightass care? Seymour takes this opportunity to beat us about the head and shoulders with the Death Mallet. “I have saved him,” Seymour oozes. He goes on to explain how Kinoc wanted power, but was afraid of losing it. This was such a horrible, uncomfortable existence that Seymour actually did the guy a favor by offing him. “Death is a sweet slumber. All the pain of life is gently swept away…Ah, yes,” he continues. Of course this is at odds with the whole “Dead people with unfinished business stick around” concept, but when are game designers ever consistent?

But Seymour’s not finished. “If all life were to end in Spira, all suffering would end. Don’t you see? Do you not agree?” Everyone just kind of stares at him blankly. Since he’s already ass-deep in his cracked-out monologue, he proceeds to announce all his plans. He needs Yuna to go to Zanarkand, “the lost city of the dead” *thwack*, and with “death on [their] side” *thwack*, Seymour will use Yuna — killing her in the process *thwack* — in order to become the next Sin. Yeah, that just kind of came out of left field, didn’t it?

It takes a little more than just flinging your hand in the air.

Seymour continues to get worked up over his newly devised plan, until Tightass tells him he’s fucked in the head. And as sad as it is to agree with Tightass, there really isn’t any other choice here. Then, even though Seymour is standing there doing nothing, Kimahri gets all pissed and runs forward to stick his spear into Seymour’s chest. The two of them stand there like that for a while as the camera shows this happy little scene from several different views. Finally, Seymour says, “Unpleasant…” like he just got a wedgie. Then he launches into one of his stupid pre-battle sayings — “I will give you your death. You seem to want it so.” He does a magic-y transformation sequence, since the group has already fought him and he can’t very well keep the same form now, can he? All his cronies turn into pyreflies and he absorbs them, his whole body vibrating and his face contorting in ecstacy. I sure did not need to see that.