And just to make sure we do get it, there’s a slow pan over the city in sprite!mode, showing us for the second time in half a minute that Meribia is, indeed, pretty big. At the docks, the gang immediately splits up. Nash casually mentions his magician credentials, again, before heading to the magic district of town, Black Rose Street. And Ram-It can’t stand that diamond burning a hole in his pocket one moment longer, so he waddles off to find an interested jeweler. Gams, sadly, has nowhere in particular that she wants to visit, so she and Squeak remain joined at Alex’s hips.

‘Hey, it’s for Dyne’s eyes ONLY!’

Meribia, lest we forget, is quite a large city; thus, it boasts the largest helping of NPCs yet. Alex, Gams and Squeak enter a large warehouse near the harbor, which turns out to be a bar and saloon. Gams’s “virgin” ears are immediately offended by the laughs of server girls and their patrons and the raucous music filling the room. As soon as he sees the free-flowing booze and eager girls in teddies and bunny ears–not kidding–Alex immediately regrets leaving his “novelty” fake ID back in Burg. Sure enough, the bartender won’t serve them, and Gams won’t let him get a lap dance, but one of the whores waitresses does offer Gams a job. “I’m sure you’ll be our most popular hostess…” she enthuses. “I mean, just look at you!” So now we know that Gams is much more beautiful than a bunch of Hooters Girls. Good for her. At any rate, Gams resists her primal instinct to be the center of everyone’s attention and respectfully declines the position. She finds an even bigger test to her willpower, though, when she sees a stage against the back wall. I mean, it’s been almost an entire morning since she got to make a Mary Sue spectacle of herself. The gang chats with the singer, who’s performing for a bunch of people too drunk and/or horny to give a shit how good she sounds. But since Alex, Gams, and Squeak are such music experts, they ask to hear the goods. The singer belts out her own “la la la” song, which sounds like…well, I’d say it sounds like there’s a ho-down going on, except Gams doesn’t drop to the floor. Zing!

Girl, you have an orange scarf on your blue hair.

Squeak, dropping me out of my chair with shock, says she was good, but that Gams would wipe the floor with her, musically. Hey, Squeak: she’s not going to fuck you! Backstage, the kids meet the onstage girl’s backup, who is very much stuck on the fact that she’s not out there, winning fame and accolades. She’s, like, way better! This, sadly, becomes marginally important later. Before leaving the building Alex speaks to the drunks at a nearby table, who are losing spectacularly to a familiar-looking gambler. Yup, it’s Brett the Mullet, back to his not-so-old cheating ways. I guess he stowed away on the Hispaniola like the cheap hobo he is.

Outside, the kids have brief conversations with the many people just standing in the middle of the street, most of whom offer varying degrees of useful exposition. One woman randomly informs our party that Meribia, with its super-advanced notions of indoor plumbing, has an extensive sewer system. Not that we need to know about that. A drunk guy outside the bar tells them how great Meribia is because he can ogle women and get piss drunk as much as he likes. This, we find out from other folks, is because Master Mel is all about the civil liberties. Right. As for more Mel exposition: as a beastman, he’s helped dispel prejudices against beastmen in Meribia. And he has a beeeeeeautiful daughter named Jessica, who, depending on who you talk to, is either a sweet angel or a manipulative slut. Gams senses she has some competition, and sharpens her claws.

Before dealing with anyone important, Alex goes to check in on Ram-It, over at the shop of a man named Dross. Dross is quite obviously the most crooked guy in town, though Ram-It, Mr. I-Can-Spot-A-Grifter-From-A-Mile-Away, doesn’t seem to have caught onto this. The others figure it out, but that’s because Dross has a bookshelf full of titles like Swindles, Scams, and Suckers: The History of the Con Artist. Shit, even Squeak can do that math. Ram-It and Dross haggle, Gams looks pale and faint for no discernible reason (no one except Squeak notices or cares), and Ram-It tells Alex to go see Mel while he’s doing his thang. Because Ram-It is an adult and can handle this adult situation on his own. HE IS MATURE!!!!! We get it, guys.

Not that they needed a reason to leave–the gang is quite eager to meet this Mel, since he’s so socially “progressive.” Alex and Gams have some legislation on necrophilia and incest, respectively, that they’d really like him to look at. Oh, and he’s one of the famous Four Heroes and he had some famous seven-day stalemate battle with Dyne before they became friends. Pfft, like that’s important. They wander into Mel’s mansion in the northeast corner of town, without so much as a second glance from any of his guards. Alex could be strapped to the nines with dynamite, for all they know. And how cool of a plot twist would that be? They similarly walk right into Mel’s private office. One of the guards says that Mel has an open-door policy because he’s so cool like that, but I’m guessing it’s Alex’s Green Eyes of Destiny that are earning him free passes to Lunar’s most elite destinations. Another introduction!anime helps us get to know Mel de Alkirk, the general impression being that he’s one huge, hairy motherfucker and probably shouldn’t be crossed. “If you dare to make any sort of trouble in my town,” he growls, “I’ll pop your tiny little heads off your twiggy little necks and mount them on me trophy wall.” Hee. Alex does have a twiggy neck. After issuing this warning, Mel’s eyes light up like laser beams, and no, that’s not a euphemism. It’s genuinely freaky. Then he starts laughing maniacally, our clue that this man of the sea no longer has both oars in the water. His laughter, I think, is supposed to remind us of another barking mad old guy. But we don’t need to draw any conclusions from this similarity. *cough*

He must have had laser eye surgery. Ba-dum ching!

Now that the introduction!exposition is over, it’s time for some more Dragonmaster!exposition. Squeak informs Mel of Alex’s plans to rule the world with an iron fist sleep with a corpse become a hero. Mel is quite impressed by his moxie (though Alex himself says nothing), but moxie just ain’t enough. Mel wants to see what our protagonist can actually do. Next thing Alex knows, he’s getting dragged off by Mel to do battle. Squeak and Gams stare after them, before their morbid curiosity to see Alex reamed in the butthole takes over and they scurry off in pursuit.

This battle is very much winnable–it’s not 100 percent a given that Alex will be violated painfully by Mel. But since I spent all his silver on porn-enabling cleansing product instead of on a new sword, new armor or healing items, it’s very likely that Mel’s gonna make a prison bitch out of him. For one thing, sprite-wise, Mel is about five times bigger than Alex. Mel’s long, hard axe by itself is bigger than Alex. Yeah. How about that for a feeling of inadequacy? Considering the lack of any decent equipment, Alex holds up remarkably well, but eventually he is forced to bow before Mel in his gleaming, sweaty, glorious manhood. Mel tells Alex he has plenty of potential, which makes Squeak get all pissy, because Alex was cool enough to pass Quark’s lame trial. Hey, he could have called Alex a girly, pipecleaner-armed little sissy, and he didn’t. Calm down. Mel does acknowledge that getting past Quark isn’t half bad, and that Alex very well could become the Dragonmaster. “But I’ll still be able to kick your scurvy hide!” he qualifies. I like Mel. Why can’t anyone in my party be this cool?

When prodded for more exposition, Mel starts to gush endlessly about his daughter, Jessica, who’s “got a heart o’ gold and a soul to match.” Jessica is learning to be a priestess at Althena’s Shrine. Translation: she’s off smoking joints and having wild unprotected sex at boarding school. Poor, naïve Mel. The wild sex part is confirmed by an “official proclamation” from Mel plastered all over Meribia, which reads: “The mountain road to Nanza has been closed indefinitely due to the danger posed by roving bandits. Meribians are not allowed to travel the road until further notice…especially foolish young daughters.” Yep, Jessica’s participating in massive bandit orgies. Didn’t we all do that in our formative years?

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Ram-It is still trying to finagle more money out of Dross, so Alex and his hangers-on decide to find Nash on Black Rose Street. BRS, we’re told, is kind of a home-away-from-home for magicians outside the Magic City of Vane. It’s got an interesting mix of mages who like mingling with normal people and snobs like Nash who think Vane is just the shit. One person scoffs at Black Rose Street as any kind of replacement for Vane, since Vane is the home of Ghaleon and Lemia. Wow, two whole people live there. I know I’m impressed. Everyone here, however, shares the common trait of being batshit crazy. Testament to this is an old woman they meet on the street, who turns out to be the sister of the Not-Sea Hag. She, too, would love to pluck Squeak bald and throw him in a pot of boiling water. I know I wouldn’t be able to actually give Squeak to her, but at least a token choice of responses, like a choice between “He’s not for eating” or “How much do you want for him?” would be nice.

…Or syphilis.

At the dead end of Black Rose Street there’s a small building housing, we’re told, a fortuneteller. Alex, Gams, and Squeak enter the one-room establishment and find Nash speaking to a blonde woman in a black cloak. He’s in the middle of saying, “I still haven’t determined if singing is the key…but I have a strong suspicion that it is…” That’s right. Everything is about Gams. Like we didn’t already know. Before Nash can let loose with any further incriminating statements, as if that one weren’t enough, his lady friend informs him that they have company. Nash understandably freaks when he sees who’s standing there. They approach the center of the room, leading into yet another anime sequence. The fortuneteller places her well-manicured hand over a crystal ball. As we pan up to her face, we get a good, long shot of some cleavage underneath her cloak. It almost leads me to believe that male gamers have a thing for boobs, or something. I know, I’m crazy. After a few years have passed and we’ve established that yes, the fortuneteller has a rack, we get to her face. Okay, not to jump the gun here, but this lady is clearly evil. Cure Fan Levels of black eyeliner, black lipstick, black clothing, and an indigo lightning-shaped tattoo across her right eye. Not to mention the dark room and the vaguely sinister music. She says a bunch of crap that’s not really worth repeating. It’s all blah-blah-future-blah-blee-I’m-evil-blah-blah-boobies. “So, let’s see your future,” she finishes lamely. “That’s why you came to me today, isn’t it?”

That look just screams ‘Patron of Good!’

After the anime is over, she’s informed that, no, they actually came to see Nash. The woman, named Royce, recovers by telling Gams she is in dire need of advice on her future. Gams is overcome with the urge to look angsty. Leaving Gams alone for the moment, Royce tells Alex that he’s too much of a goody-goody chickenwuss to become a Dragonmaster. Royce obviously thinks she’s wowing them with her intimate knowledge of their thoughts, except that it’s equally obvious Nash has been feeding her information on all of them for the last hour or so. Squeak, true to form, doesn’t think of this, and eagerly asks Royce for his fortune. Royce tells him to fuck off because she doesn’t like cats or something. Go away, Squeak, nobody likes you.