Just outside the pub there’s a man who says you couldn’t find “a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.” Because inserting Star Wars quotes into dialogue is 73h F00n4Y. God. At the back of the bar they find Brett, and if there’s such a thing as sprites with mullets, Brett’s got an ape drape, yes he does. After embellishing on his own awesomeness a little he agrees to gamble with them for the sea chart, on a coin toss. A coin toss? Oh, the ennui. Alex loses twice, 100 silver each time, before Ram-It starts to get suspicious. He pulls everyone into a huddle and announces that Brett’s switching the coin after the flip. No one with a mullet can be a straight shooter–that’s just common sense. For whatever reason, Ram-It returns to Brett and says lays the Dragon Turd on the line for the next bet. I guess this is to show that Ram-It is that sure of Brett’s treachery, but it’s not very pragmatic, is it? Couldn’t he have proven the same thing by betting 100 silver again? Whatever. The second the coin hits the table Ram-It shoves Brett aside to show that the coin has two heads. Ram-It explains that it didn’t make the sound a real coin does, and that’s how he knew. I still think he’s a dumbass, for the record. Unfortunately, it doesn’t do them much good, as Hockey Hair Brett no longer has the sea chart. He traded it away to an old hag from the forest for a Fortune Cane, which he gives to them in exchange for keeping quiet about him.
So it’s out of context. It’s still funny.
Turns out that the forest Brett mentioned is not the Weird Woods, but an entirely new forest to the west. Dammit. Even better, as the last forest was lacking in that other forest monster staple, giant poison insects, this one is chock full of ’em. I’m so pissed off at this game right now. Oh, and this place has a gimmick: there are various clearings throughout the woods, and each one has a treasure chest right in the middle of it. If you open these chests, additional monsters emerge from the woods and charge you. I know it makes no sense, just go with it. But if you open the chests that are off to the side of the clearings, you’re fine. After fighting through what feels like a million poison wasps–which are all faster than my party members–and giant ants (and I didn’t even open any of the trap chests), the kiddies make it to the back of the woods where the old lady lives.
On the pathway leading to her cottage, there are several upturned baskets propped up on sticks being used as booby traps. God only knows what the old lady is trying to catch. People? Monsters? Chickens? Bunnies? We never really find out, either. Squeak and Ram-It are musing over what would be stupid enough to be caught when they hear a whiny, nasal voice yelling for help up ahead. The last trap on the trail appears to have a person stuck under it. Squeak asks him what he’s doing under there, and is answered with a snappy remark ending in “peasant.” Hee. Squeak wants to leave him under there for being so rude, but Alex and Gams decide that wouldn’t be very nice. They lift the basket and out pops a sprite with the biggest freaking cowlick known to man. And yet again, it’s anime cut scene time!
Straight from the Wakka Hair Care product line.
At first we can only see a hand, which pulls out a black comb and twirls it with panache. The comb and hand spin their way all the way up to Cowlick’s head, and he gently and lovingly combs his coif. Cowlick introduces himself as Nash, third-level apprentice from the Magic City of Vane. For no reason I can figure out, he warns them about being careful around the old lady’s house. And he refers to her as the “sea hag,” even though she lives in a forest. Whatever, Nash. After the introduction Squeak calls him on the former problem, and Nash replies that he was “investigating” the mechanisms of the trap. Hey, Nash: basket, stick. Not too hard. He also exposits that he’s the famous Ghaleon’s apprentice, and I know I’m impressed that he’s the apprentice to someone I’ve never heard of. Nash says some things about hicks from the boondocks; Squeak says some things about stuck-up dickweeds from the city. It’s heartwarming, really. Gams, the “nice” person (i.e. woman) in the party, plays diplomat between Squeak and Nash and introduces everyone. To my immense relief, he doesn’t go “I know I’ve heard the name [Gams] somewhere before.” Gams asks if Nash will travel with them to the hag’s house, as there’s safety in numbers. Hey, maybe that argument would have flown at the entrance to the forest, but you’re in her fucking front yard already. Silly Mary Sue. Nash is all too eager to protect “beautiful women and simpletons” (ugh, and hee), and agrees to accompany them. Squeak and Ram-It clearly hate Nash with a passion already, so I just loooooooooove him. Let me bear your children, Nash!
But wait, I’m not out of the woods (pun fully intended) yet. Nash recalls that Gams mentioned they were all from Burg, and says, “I’ve heard that a girl with a wondrous singing voice lives there…do you know of her?” Oh, fuck me. After a moment he comes to the conclusion that Gams is, indeed, the “singing princess of Burg.” (GRC: 3) As if all that weren’t enough, he makes her promise to sing for him sometime. Jesus jumping on a pogo stick, I hate Gams. She even put my cowlicked intended under her Mary Sue spell. Well, I would think so, except for an interesting item in Nash’s item inventory. He has an item called “Mia’s Bromide 1,” labeled (hee again) “Nash’s treasure.” It’s a picture of a pale girl with dark, curly hair and a pink dress bending over toward the camera (but, surprisingly, in a completely innocent way). This is the first of the 13 Bromides of Pervy Fanboy Servicing in the game. And easily the least risqué.
AWWWW.
So now our party of five enters the “sea hag’s” house together. There are various animals–dogs, cats, chickens–roaming around the premises, which is sort of pertinent. On the second floor of the cabin they find the “sea hag,” who ascertains immediately that they want the sea chart. She’d like to get Squeak in exchange so she can eat a good dinner, and I’d be more than happy to oblige, but obviously these goons (save Nash) won’t have it. Instead she asks for Nash’s Water Cane. He whines extensively about it being a gift from Ghaleon. Gams and Ram-It both offer to talk some sense into Nash, and since I know it’ll be funny, I let Ram-It try. He mentions that Nash owes them for saving him from the trap when he was “screaming like a little girl.” Heh. Of course Ram-It’s tactics fail miserably, so I brace myself for Gams’s approach. Gams pouts her lip and asks in her cutest voice if Nash will please help them by trading the Water Cane. Nash says he can’t say no to such a lovely woman (*puke*) and hands it over. Sea chart in hand, Alex leads everyone back to Saith. The monsters didn’t reappear in the forest, sparing me all kinds of mental anguish.
At the harbor in town, there’s a bit of a panic. Sailors are running around like decapitated chickens–there seems to be a monster on the deck of the Hispaniola. Hey, that’s what hormonal teenage heroes are for, right? The group agrees to help the captain dispatch the monster. Squeak adds, “We’ll save all your fish, sir!” Okay, so I’m not lying here covered with blood, ink, and puncture wounds. I’m all talk. But who would recap this for you if I let Squeak drive me to a painful death?
Out on the docks, the Captain and his crew make haste away from the ship and leave the big bad to our heroes. Squeak likens it to a giant booger, but it actually looks like a blue raspberry Jello monster. It’s called the Saline Slimer, and I’d like to know who pH tested the thing, but I guess since we’re by the sea it’s a safe assumption. Fine. Point is, it’s a water monster with a squishy constitution, and therefore it’s weak to both Alex’s sword magic and Nash’s highly useful thunder magic. The Slimer with the Salty Kick has an annoying habit of launching a clump of Jello at one of the party members and temporarily encasing that person so they can’t do anything. Fortunately for me, in this battle that person is Ram-It. Ha ha. This battle is the start of many, many, many battles in which Nash casts thunder magic with a quippy “Check this out” as he unleashes the spell. I’m one of the few people on the planet who doesn’t find this annoying, but then again I’m one of the few who doesn’t find Nash annoying. This battle isn’t hard, but as some kind of divine punishment it dies right after I use an expensive Star Light to recover Nash’s. Someone up there hates me.
Mmm…Jello…
Everyone’s happy and celebrating the downfall of the Jello Fiend. The captain gives them all free passage on the Hispaniola as thanks. I’m so happy to not pay for the tickets that I’ll ignore the last three times Squeak mentioned fish! Everyone goes back to town for some rest, but Gams lags behind, wearing her–oh shit–Angsty Face. Alex asks her what’s up, and finds out that she’s made a decision: she’s not going with them to Meribia. See, Gams has got this complex about holding back Alex from his dreams. And she makes up a shitty excuse about returning to Burg to let his parents know he’s okay. Stow it, you twit. This pouty self-deprecation may be getting you attention from Alex, but it’s making me hate you even more. Sigh. Whatever.
The next morning Alex, Squeak, Ram-It and Nash are all aboard the Hispaniola, waving goodbye to Gams, who’s standing on the dock. They all try one more time to convince her to come along, but she’s having none of it. She promises to take care of Alex’s parents (huh?) and to tell Ram-It’s father he’s doing well. Wah wah Angsty Face, don’t-forget-about-me-Alex, wah wah pout angst. She’s so stupid. As the ship leaves port, Alex, who had stayed silent up till now, yells to Gams that she has to come. You already know what he says, it’s all that “I need you and it’s not the same without you and I’ll kill all these fucks if I have to deal with them on my own” stuff. Gams suddenly changes her mind and runs down the dock to catch up. Alex stretches his hand out to her and in “dramatic” fashion, she grabs it just as the ship pulls away from the dock’s end. “Oh…I hope I did the right thing,” she says, panting. God, she acts like lives depend on this paltry decision. Gag. Alex tells her in this extraordinarily wanky voice, “Now our real adventure can begin.” This makes him sound like a date rapist, which isn’t a good addition to the incest and the necrophilia.
In the next recap we’ll see plenty more of the Angsty Face, with an Angsty Song to accompany it. And the gang will finally reach Meribia, a big ol’ town full of psychotic beastmen, skanky chicks, and dishonest salespeople. Nothing out of the ordinary. Until part 3!