I know this is going to be a big shock, but apparently everyone thought Ram-It was not only a selfless hero, but a GENIUS for giving his best friend Alex free shit in exchange for saving the world. This has resulted in precisely negative two new customers in his shop, judging from the “crowd” at the moment, but all his employees are over the fucking moon about it. He is even looking at expanding to new stores and using the Ram-Mart brand to crowd all the mom and pops out of Lunar entirely! Really glad this dude is getting a happy ending! But this is all information Alex gets from Ram-It’s employees. The man himself is more interested in reminiscing about how this whole goddamn adventure was his idea, and how things might have turned out had he not been a greedy little shit about getting a diamond from a cave. “[Gams] wouldn’t have been kidnapped, and the world would’ve stayed at peace?” Squeak asks. Hey, moron, Ghaleon was already kidnapping singers from every town and he’d already heard of Burg, the hometown of Dragonmaster Babynapper, having a good one, so try again? I mean, Ram-It can eat my ass too, but this is just not a factual argument. But Squeak is kidding, of course! “If you hadn’t taken us to the Cave, Alex would never have fulfilled his destiny…” Oh, right, of course. That’s the reason. I am such an idiot!

Ram-It totally lies that he’d love to go back to Burg with these two but he’s just so busy here, and asks him to send along a hello to his dad he fucking hates. And one last thing: “Oh, hey, Alex, check this out! I got it just for you…” And he presents him Gams’s Bromide 1. Uh, hey, what the fuck, man? He got it just for Alex? And where exactly did he get it? Worse still, while he very generously gives Alex a picture OF HIS OWN GIRLFRIEND for free, he has some additional fap material to share, and he’s not parting with it for cheap! Indeed, he offers to sell Mia’s Bromide 3 and Jess’s Bromide 3 for…drumroll…5000 silver each! Ha! What a fucking clod. Alex could sneeze out that much money now. He readily hands over this pittance to make sure Ram-It isn’t selling nudes of his friends to anyone else, and if Alex is half the hero we’ve been told he is, he’ll hand over his now-complete bromide collection to their subjects so they can do what they like with them, including chucking them in a bonfire.

Surprise, look who gets to keep her clothes on!

While only two of these are nudes even in a technical sense, every woman on this goddessforsaken moon should be overturning every room in their home for hidden cameras. Mia! Yours is in the ceiling!

Fuck Ram-It and his porn vendors. Alex, Gams, and Squeak do a round of Talk to Everyone, which I’m not going to derail on because this recap is pretty fucking long already, and honestly I’m not sure any group of NPCs has had more words devoted to their shitty lives and opinions than the citizens of Meribia. We’ve heard from them enough, especially the pervert Royce stan. And we’re mostly skipping a bunch of cheerful lecturing from Alex and Gams about how we don’t need Dragonmasters or heroes or gods anymore because we’re all going to hold hands and make the world a brighter place with the sun shining directly out of our asses. Let’s check in with Mia and Nash.

Ha, okay, this guy can get a spotlight.

Mother and daughter bask in their reunion for a moment, mother doing her best to pretend daughter’s boyfriend is a bug she can squish with her mind. “I’ve always been proud of you, Mia…but never as proud as I am at this moment. You’re more of a hero than I ever was, my daughter. And Nash lived, well I’ll be.” That was me. Lemia actually says, “As for you, Nash…I won’t lie. You will have to work very hard to regain my trust. Mia speaks highly of you, and I know how you care for her… So don’t disappoint me again.” Nash does not open his mouth, and that is smart of him. Mia promises not to cry when shit gets real from now on–I don’t know if we’ve seen her cry since her introductory anime, not even when Nash dumped her for a chicken costume–and instead of being like, “Crying is fine as long as you still handle your business,” Lemia’s like, “Good.” This is not the talk I was hoping for earlier.

You look it!

Moreover, it’s important to Lemia that Mia never squirt out one single tear ever again because, “Mia, it’s obvious that my reign at the Magic Guild is over. It was my leadership that led to the corruption of the Guild… And it was your actions that saved it, and the world.” It’s not fair to put it this way, but…who is the one who quite literally ran it into the ground? “Nash…I expect you to support Mia and obey her commands,” she adds. “What she does NOT need at this crucial time in the history of the Guild is to be doubted…” Never doubting Mia is Nash’s lone core competency, so this should be fine. Nash’s theme queues up for the first time since, I think, his introduction so Nash can scream at his future mother-in-law, “I would help her even if doing so meant the destruction of my very soul!” Lemia is this close to saying, “Yes, do that.” Nash anti-foreshadows that Vein will “soar through the skies again” under Mia’s leadership. I won’t blame Mia for how that’s going to go later, but it’s still funny. Mia casually drops an “I love you…” in response to his confidence, and it’s honestly very sweet. (She also notes a sentence later how she also loves literally everyone else she knows, and Nash wilts like a flower murdered by the Fortress of Althena, but I think we’re to take her feelings for him in the squishy “Let’s make love with the lights off on our wedding night” way. For what it’s worth.) They definitely seem the least likely to get divorced. Gams is going to go nuts and commit a murder-suicide of at least Squeak and maybe Alex when she turns 40.

Mia is excited for this new chapter in her life, starting with getting rid of the ivory tower, restricted- entry nature of Vein. This seems progressive and cool of her until you realize it’s going to be way harder to keep people out when Pud Island is just sitting on the ground where anyone can get to it with a long enough ladder. She apparently is brimming with other ideas but stops herself because she realizes she’s boring everyone to death, which Squeak tries to nicely rephrase as “overwhelmed.” Yeah, that’s just bored for dumb people. “Every day we have is a gift…” Mia says. “And I want to use my days to make the world a better place for everyone.” I know I just projected this exact sentiment onto Gams in order to make fun of her, but: aww, Mia. I don’t think I’ve ever pretended to be fair about any of this.

Nash is also excited for this new chapter of, uh, trying to science the shit out of his relationship with Mia: “And I much enjoyed being able to study your relationship with [Gams]. I hope to apply the lessons I learned to my own relationship with Mia…ahem…” No. Dude, no. More horrifying, especially because I don’t think Mia heard what he just said, is that he’s going to be a teacher at the Magic Guild. “Since I’m one of the Five Heroes,” he says, “I’m certain to be popular with the female students… My poor desk will break under the strain of all the love letters piled onto it every morning! But, of course, Mia will be upset with me because of the constant repair bills…what will I do? You mean besides enjoying all the attention? Ha, ha!” This is quite the elaborate and insane fantasy our boy Nash has concocted, and I’m pretty sure it’s just to distract himself from the inconvenient dream of running off to Nanza to be one-half of a bandit power couple with a certain someone. Either way, with this one hire Mia is already on the verge of running Vein like a Trump administration Cabinet department, and I already know who’s going to buy the 40,000 silver dining set for his office.

I can’t believe the wrap on these two is Nash imagining becoming the Josh fucking Lyman of the Magic Guild. My brain is not processing this. Time to go see Jess and Kyle. The mood in Mel’s Mansion is light, since Daddy woke up from his petrification, and it’s also time for Jessica to settle down and get married and learn to cook for her husband! As John Mulaney would say, we do not have time to unpack all of that. Kyle and Jess are in the corridor outside Mel’s office, because surprise, Kyle is having some reservations about going in there now that there’s probably not going to be a Althenan priestess school anymore and Mel’s probably going to have some ideas about Jess’s plans post-forced matriculation. “He’s too afraid of my dad to tell him how we feel about each other!” Jess says. Yeah, that’s totally what I meant, too. Kyle issues a correction, though: “…I’d feel weird intruding on such an emotional moment between you and your father. I don’t want to be the cause of any weird vibes…” He assumes the vibes will be weird, of course, because Mel kind of hates him already. Operating on the shaky assumption that this is sincere, it’s actually kind of sweet and considerate. So count down to Jess either brushing him off or taking this in the absolute worst faith in 3…2…1…

I mean, it IS funny.

“Oh, Kyle… You’re just being silly! When I explain what a hero you’ve been, he’ll welcome you with a hug and a smile!” she says. So, the first one. Once again, Jess physically drags Kyle behind her toward this touching father/daughter reunion, and far from worrying about intruding on the moment, Alex, Gams, and Squeak tag right along. They ain’t care. Jessica leaps to her dad’s side, I assume smothering him with hugs, but it’s actually just her sprite bouncing from one side of his to another. Each is thrilled the other is all right, and Squeak says, illustrating my point, “What a…wonderful moment, Alex. I’m glad we were here to see it…” Gams even goes so far as to say, “I’m glad we were able to help make it happen…” I would love to know what she thinks she did to facilitate this. As it happens, their presence for this touching moment does help Kyle, who is–somehow–hiding behind Alex and Squeak. And he’s keeping well out of sight until, touchingly, he hears Jess being modest about her contributions to saving the world and speaks up to tell her to give herself more credit. “Huh? Is that you, Kyle?” Mel asks. Way to go, complimenting your girlfriend, idiot. Kyle seems to consider running out the door and using Alex as a meat shield, but Mel beckons him to come closer, probably into ass-whooping range, and he creeps forward.

“Kyle,” Mel says, “I know ya love my daughter…and I know how happy ya make her…” DOES HE? I genuinely don’t even know anymore. I feel like I know less about relationships after playing this game. “So promise me yer always gonna take care of her.” Jessica de Alkirk can take care of her goddamn self, sir. I don’t see Lemia asking Nash for this, because she knows better, and also because Nash is not BURLY STRONG BIG MAN HURR DURR. But the sentiment is still well intended, and absolutely shocking to both Kyle and Jess, who talked big shit about this exact thing happening but clearly didn’t believe it would. “I…I promise…Dad!” Kyle says, grinning. Oh, man. I think he just needs a dad, guys. But that’s too far too fast for Mel, who would like his daughter to be “an honest woman” in exchange for being the daddy Kyle clearly needs in his life. “I didn’t want ta admit it,” Mel goes on, “but I always knew you and Jessica were meant ta be… You were the only boy who enjoyed it when she threw you into the mud!” I like how Mel sounds like a dad who’s had a lot of time to think while he’s been out of action, but there’s no way he actually got to do that. He’s been a rock. Kyle is willing to do anything for Dad Jessica, though he does ask if Mel’s gonna pay for the wedding since he’s now too honest and therefore broke to front the cash. I thought Kyle wasn’t really a thief anyway! He wasn’t even in the damn guild before! It was a whole thing!

Squeak wants to be their “dragon of honor,” and just fucking kill me now.

Kyle, I guess particularly now that he’s going to be a, God, head of household, is mostly concerned with finding a new line of work. He specifically says he’s going to have to give up being an “escort,” and I genuinely do not know if this is Working Designs getting cute with their wordplay and calling what he did in Nanza “escorting,” or if Kyle was literally moonlighting as a gigolo. It could very much be either, and I guess he could talk himself into neither one being viable if he’s going to be married. He very politely tells Gams a bunch of nice stuff about Alex and their destiny and love for each other and yadda, but then adds that it would be nice if the two men could get a drink sometime. “Oh, wait!” he says. “Your lady won’t let you partake of the fermented froth of the devil, will she?” Putting aside how Kyle cannot just say “beer” because he’s a party animal written by a bunch of dudes who never got invited to parties, what the fuck? I don’t know which is worse, the idea that Kyle thinks Gams is this controlling, or the possibility that she is. “Well, maybe you could have a glass of sour milk…” he figures. GREAT.

This should be on the back of the box.

Jess is mostly thinking about her dad, and Kyle, and isn’t it weird how those two are already intermingling in her head? Can’t imagine why. She considers the possibility that she was a hubristic idiot for thinking she could go off adventuring in the back country without her famous adventurer dad knowing about it. True! She also figures now that that’s out in the open she can “borrow” her dad’s ship and take all her friends on booze cruises, and she doesn’t make a big hairy point of whether Alex is allowed to have any fun now that his ol’ ball-and-chain is back in the picture. Then she compares her own relationship to Alex and Gams’s some more, and wonders out of nowhere why Kyle doesn’t “believe” in her like Alex does in Gams. He just outed himself as being in the room because he couldn’t stop himself from talking her up! What is Jess on today? Kyle reassures her: “I believe your cooking will always be inedible… I believe your behavior will always be very inappropriate… And I believe your lips will always be extremely kissable!” Jess lets this slide because of item number three there, and here I was thinking it was the worst one. I am so fucking turned around, guys. What is love? Is it this? Do I have Stockholm Syndrome?

Jess and Kyle spend their last moments with their dear friend Alex and this other lady mostly bickering with each other in a way I’m supposed to find charming but mostly comes off as verbal brastrap-snapping, and maybe I should just have Alex go home now. He and I are so very tired. Gams says on the way out, “Everyone expresses their love in different ways, [Squeak]…and they really do love each other. You can see it in their eyes…” Oh no, she’s still got her goddess powers and she’s using them to read minds! Hurry Alex, kill her! Squeak mostly agrees with Gams’s assessment because he’s hungry and wants to leave. Game, stop making me relate to this little shit.

If you’re going to be so gross as to suggest a side hustle of selling to panty-sniffing perverts, at least have the courage to CALL THEM PANTIES.

Before leaving Mel’s Mansion, there is one weird conversation with an NPC I’d like to point out. One of the many redheaded clones guarding the de Alkirks’ private residence says, “I still don’t understand what happened to the Goddess Althena. Was the Althena who fought with Ghaleon an impostor? And what happened to the real Goddess?” Gams is about to answer him, when Alex jumps in front of the guy’s questions like they’re live grenades. “Alive and well, within the hearts of her children…” he assures the man. Now, as these things go, this isn’t a lie. But Gams was surely about to say something to the effect of, “That wasn’t an impostor, and there is no more Althena,” and Alex stopped her. I have been scanning most of the dumb platitudes about self-reliance they’ve been giving everyone they meet to see if anyone actually says what really happened, but at most it’s been Gams sighing that Ghaleon wasn’t really evil, but simply passionate and misguided (note: I just heaved a sigh that feels like it came from the center of the Earth), and Alex and Squeak chirping that teamwork is way better than praying. Even the dude who suggested tearing down the Althena statue wasn’t given any validation by Alex, so I don’t know how widespread his certainty of an atheist world is. Maybe he thinks that Gamsthena was an impostor because there never was a goddess, who can say? Not that guy, because he was only given two lines! And who knows what people who weren’t as up close to the action as Meribians think happened. What I am getting at here is that the Five Heroes are not exactly covering up the truth about Althena, but they’re maybe not not doing that. Good thing the game is almost over and there will be no future repercussions for the epistemological turbulence of this moment!