Also enough like Damon’s Spire that I wonder if the old man was training Alex for this very moment is the mechanism to open the way forward, that is, stepping on floor switches in a specific order. And I hope I don’t blow your mind here: the order is white, red, blue, black. WHOOOOOOOAAAAAA. This is the most obvious “puzzle” imaginable–the white button is already lit up and everything!–but entering the central room on this floor activates an ethereal “How will you solve thiiiiiiiiis” voice anyway: “Welcome to the blessed Tower of the Goddess, mighty Dragonmaster. Think back and recall how you met each of the four Dragons… Your memories of those encounters are required to successfully navigate the Tower.” I have probably wondered this before, but are all Dragonmasters required to meet the dragons in that specific order? What about the ones who aren’t born in fucking Burg? Do they just have extra travel costs? Because that is bullshit. Or is this tower attuned to whoever the Dragonmaster is and his (or her!!!) bespoke adventuring experiences? Or! Is this a stupid thing to waste time on when I’ve already written 12,000 words?! It’s that one. Let’s keep going.
I defy anyone to explain this name.
Hitting those switches in that mysterious sequence causes a flashing green teleport pad on a pedestal to appear, and once Alex has stepped on that he finds himself in the center of a doorless room with a bunch of other identical portals, each labeled with another dragon-color-coded floor marble. Well, time to do the same shit again! He steps through the white portal, then on the red portal in the next room, et cetera, and then back to another portal atop a staircase. Thank goodness Alex is such a brain genius or I don’t know what he would do.
Perhaps sensing that I’m being a little shit about this whole thing, in the next room, Althena’s Metatron mixes it up a little bit. “Blue Dragon Helmet,” it booms at its revered, behatted guest. “Black Dragon Armor. Red Dragon Shield. White Dragon Wings. Remember the foregoing, for they shall lead you to the core of Althena’s Tower…” Oh, come on! At least leave the colors out of the clue!
After killing some more puzzlingly named stone statues with swords like dildos made for balloon animals, and then sitting down for a good 30 minutes to mull over this absolute head-scratcher, Alex hits the blue portal to grab a Sage’s Robe for Nash, the black for a Detonator Armlet for Jess (“Althena’s armlet” per the DID, so I guess we’re literally just raiding this broad’s closet), the red for a Spook Armlet for Mia (I do not know and will not speculate), and finally the white for Kyle’s Insane Sword. Kyle could have been using that precious Masturbator Sword Tempest gave Alex this whole time, by the way, but I guess Alex needs a spare in case the goddamn Sword of goddamn Althena gets jammed in another rock and he can’t pull it out. Once everybody’s got their bitchin’ new gear I am confused as to why the way forward has not opened, as if the point of the goddamn clue was to make sure everyone gets their gear in some meaningful order and not to hit the fucking glowing switches that were next to each treasure chest. I don’t get to complain about any of this anymore.
Onward. This next floor is shaped like a big donut, a hole opening up into the void in the center. It’s god’s house, so I guess it can look how it wants, physics be damned. “Smashing through the white ice…” Metatron says, sarcastically over-emphasizing “white” in my imagination after that last room. “Sprinting through the red flames… Swimming through the blue water… Sojourning the black earth… This is the road that awaits the brave adventurer who wishes to behold the Goddess Althena…” Oh, we have beheld her. If there’s one thing Gams does not lack for, it is being beholden. Anyway, this is all bullshit, as the only trick here is to hit whichever switch is already lit up until they’ve all been pressed. This goes red, black, white, blue, and suddenly a green staircase brings Alex to the center of the donut and another teleport pad. I suppose you’d eventually just start doing the colors in whatever order feels good when the only puzzle you’re allowed to create involves sequencing the same four things. I wonder if Althena ever thought of making a purple dragon, just to mix things up.
This brings us to the final major area of the tower, a much breezier, more heavenly area mostly rendered in white marble, where the music is now the overland walking theme. A solid choice I don’t hate! That’s nice. Another statue of Alex’s sisterfriend awaits him just off the teleport pad, as if to say, “Mommy isn’t judging you if you’re too lazy to do anything but Flash Cut.” Better still, at this stage, none of the monsters will respawn when Alex leaves the room, so I can just keep coming back to this statue. Not that Squeak is lacking for Star Lights to keep our heroes fresh on MP anyway, but for some reason I still think I get some kind of gift certificate at the end of videogames if I save enough of my items. It’s a sickness.
Most of the enemy packs in this holiest of places are called Stone Creeps, and they’re basically floating Ulmec statues with unhinged snake jaws that shoot out pellets of purple plasma that can mute their targets. I can relate–whenever I open my mouth a torrent of dark energy floods out, leaving those around me too stunned to speak. The Stone Creeps are also resistant to Flash Cut and other physical abilities, something I can’t help but see as a personal attack.
I just happened to pause my footage here and I wanted to share because Kyle kind of looks like he’s about to transform into She-Ra.
The main point of the Stone Creeps, other than being one more in the pile of new monster types I struggle to make interesting, is to open the way forward, as Ghaleon (or maybe Gamsthena, who the hell even knows at this point) has erected energy barriers at narrow choke point gaps in the walls, which would be impossible for Alex to deal with if not for a bunch of stupid floating stone heads, also put here by Ghaleon, that like to bash into them and deactivate them in their fervor to knock teenage skulls together. Passing a couple of these barriers eventually leads to a treasure chest containing an accessory called a Spirit Talisman, which I can put on anybody I want to halve all damage they take. I guess I’m saying I’ve got some constructive criticism for our favorite Magic Emperor.
The final new monster type of this game is a fun chap called the Ultra Fiend. Game Arts really went all out on this fucker, giving his tubby demonic body six muscular limbs, a set of curvy devil horns, another horn on the tip of his tail, a crippling underbite, and a yellow-and-green python curled all around his arms and neck like he just got home from Royce’s estate sale. I did read the name as “Ultra Friend” at first and I have to say that would have been an interesting twist at the eleventh hour of monster-battling and I’m a little disappointed we didn’t get it. Just lots of shoulder rubs and gossip and bar hopping, but also respecting your boundaries. I mean, maybe this guy is exactly that cool, what do I know? I mean, clearly he and Royce were tight enough to borrow accessories from each other.
This seems on-brand for everyone.
The first several floors of this area are basically all of that on repeat, plus a little bridge that Alex has to trick a Stone Creep into activating, which is trivial, because they’re fucking stupid. Xeboobia has been largely absent from the proceedings so far, not bothering like her sister to give me some random smash-Alex’s-dick-in-a-door-jamb curse or anything, so it is with some trepidation that Alex busts down the last electric fence before the stairs leading to where she is no doubt waiting for them. What if she’s not a complete pushover like the last one? What if he’s not even good enough to defeat Ghaleon’s Friendzone Fatale? Everyone in Meribia is going to yell at him again!
Jessica wastes no time as the teens enter the shiny-floored foyer where Xeboobia is blocking the door to Ghaleon’s Genocide Parlor and Jinglebell Hat Haberdashery: “This is it, [Xeboobia]! No more running away…no more stays of execution! Today is the day I wipe you from existence!” I was going to snit that Jess is going way overboard here, but then I, your goldfish recapper, remembered about her dad’s curse. Like, doesn’t that seem like more of a Royce move, if we’re being honest? Xeboobia ain’t scared, of course, and is sure to note that she is no more worried about Jess than she is about her stupid dad. “My only care and desire is for the affections of Ghaleon, dear sweet Ghaleon.” Oh girl. Nooooo. It really takes a lot to be the saddest “couple” in this game, but we’ve got a new frontrunner.
Mia, bless her, tries to tell Xeboobia that she’s not exactly a heavy factor in Ghaleon’s plans for the future, and also that he’s a power-hungry psychopath. “And what’s wrong with that, you adolescent ingrates?” she asks. “Ghaleon’s strength is what makes him so…attractive as a leader.” And attractive in those robes that are loose everywhere but one spot, am I right? Gross. I mean, I guess if I have to find a silver lining here, only one of the three Vile Sisters signed up for this shit because she was in love with a despot? But she’s also the oldest and it’s implied the others just went along with her decision, so this is good! Great, even! I’m ecstatic!
Nash and Kyle also have their say about how slavery is BAD and free will is GOOD and WE GET IT, GAME, CHRIST, but noted enslaver of her own people Xeboobia is surprisingly not receptive to this argument. WEIRD. She sighs that this is all because the “children of the world” haven’t had a guide for all of fifteen years, and they didn’t even know that was the case, but sure. Jess has had enough of that shit: “My father was my guide, WITCH! And I’ll use the skills he taught me to expose the inferiority of your ways!” None of this is voice-acted, but I am trying and failing to imagine how Jess could angrily shout that latter sentence without sounding like a clown. Which sucks, because the first sentence is so good! How does she not just stop there and lunge for Xeboobia with her hammer, exactly as her dad would do?
Xeboobia has also had enough of this shit: “The time is at hand for me to bury you eternally in the abyss of doubt and regret!” This sounds rhetorical, but she basically means what she says: she waves her hand and glows with a purple aura, the room’s lights dim, and a black void dome like the Soul Eater’s second-level spell engulfs our heroes. Xeboobia chuckles at her handiwork. “Ha, ha, ha…your own dark doubts and desires shall be your most cruel executioner! Farewell, miserable children!” They are all kind of low-key miserable. And now we get to see exactly how, if there was any lingering confusion.
In a mustard-yellow empty space that looks like the carpeting in a Super 8 motel room, Jessica stands alone. She is looking around with weird calmness, wondering where she is, when she is confronted with the appearance of…herself. This is the thing that upsets her, and she asks, “Who are you?” I can’t decide if that’s not at all what I would ask or the only thing I would ask. “I am what you fear most,” this red-eyed Jessiclone replies. “I am you.” Whoa. Deep. “That’s right, Jessica,” Jessiclone goes on to the disbelieving real one. “I am the REAL you…the one you keep hidden deep inside.” The one that’s about to confess she and Mia are each other’s yin and yang and that she wants nothing more than to sail around the moon with her? That’s what we’re getting, right?
Elsewhere, Kyle is also facing a Copykyle, but his room has red soul carpeting, so this is more like a once plush smoking parlor gone to seed. Just like Kyle’s soul, probably! He asks what Copykyle wants. “I want what you want, Kyle! We are one, remember?” he replies. It’s possible the two Kyles had to go over this concept multiple times before we dropped in on them. “I want us to stop trying to fight this useless battle. We know Ghaleon’s unbeatable, don’t we? Yes! Admit it!” Is the only thing we’ve got on ol’ Kyle here that he thinks Ghaleon is really scary? Because we already fucking did that! In this very recap! And that’s not something he has hidden deep inside, given that he already told everyone about it.
The latest proof that I lack the ability to change reality with my mind.
Copykyle does have some more stuff to say, but it’s all gross and/or in the vein of “Kyle likes beer,” so let’s bail on Brett Kavanaugh for a minute and move on to the pink soulpholstery room and Mia, who is definitely the most intriguing person to trap in this little plot device. “We hate the responsibility that’s been placed upon us by everyone…” Mialike says. “Because we’ve never had confidence in ourselves.” That second part is not a hidden secret by the longest stretch of the imagination, but the first part is certainly of note. Mia is silent, because this bitch with her face has her dead to rights. “Everyone assumes that we’re going to lead the Magic Guild. That we want to follow in our mother’s footsteps… But does anyone care about what we want, Mia? Has anyone EVER cared? Of course not… No one knows how…how weak we really are. Too scared to be a leader…too weak to fight.” Woof! Someone maybe needs to have a long talk with her mom later!
Without the real Mia getting a single syllable in edgewise, we’re on to Nash, who has a more ’80s casino shade of turquoise as his backdrop. That tracks. Of fucking course, the Nashalogue is worming his way into Nash’s weaknesses by being insufferably argumentative: “You have to agree with me, Nash…because you ARE me.” WELL ACTUALLY, Nashalogue, sometimes a person’s mind can harbor conflicting thoughts! Wow! Anyway, Nashalogue’s argument also is to Nash what Kyleclone’s was to Kyle: already out in the goddamn open. “We know about leadership…” he says, somehow turning this exercise into a humblebrag, “we know that strong people are needed to guide weak ones. We see it every day at the Magic Guild, under the guise of ‘teaching’…” Oh, fuck all the way off. Whoever thought that was an interesting thing to put even in Nash’s snide mouth is on my shitlist. “And we know that we’re one of the strong ones. We’re a shepherd, Nash…not a sheep.” And how does Nash know this? Why, because he was validated by another strong man with strong male leadership, in Ghaleon! “We must join with him again and help Ghaleon rule our world as our new god!” Nashalogue says. “Think of the power he’ll grant us, Nash. People will kneel in our presence… It’s what we’ve always desired, Nash…and now it is within our grasp!!” This one also said Nash’s name a lot more than the other apparitions did for their namesakes, and I feel like this is because the real Nash once read in some book that successful wizards get ahead by making lots of eye contact and saying your name as often as possible when talking to you.
And we’re back to Jess! I guess she didn’t get much of a turn the first time. “Father has never really tried to understand us, Jessica,” Jessiclone is trying to convince her. “He’s always forced us to live our life HIS way…to fulfill HIS dreams.” …Has he? It seems like the opposite: if anything he’s trying to force her to be a proper lady so she can fill the hole of his dead wife (phrasing, apologies), and explicitly NOT be exactly like him. Like Mialike, Jessiclone sighs, “What about the life WE always wanted, Jessica? What about OUR dreams?” Jess doesn’t seem like a person who’s ever had a problem doing whatever the hell she wants. Like, I don’t know, guys, I don’t think Jessiclone has the lay of the land here at all. She then jumps from Daddy not understanding her to NOBODY understanding her, and therefore, “So why should we fight for them when all they’ve ever done is hold us back?” Seriously, I’m going to need some kind of revelation here–preferably about Mia, Fresca, and that alpaca farm–for any of this to make sense. Holding her back from what? Skipping school and fucking her boyfriend?
And finally we come to Alex, the soulrug emerald green like his eyes, and I feel like I should just save us all some time and write, “Gams. Gams Gams Gams. Gams. Gams. GAMS. Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaams.” The Doppelmaster opens with, “[Gams]…has abandoned us.” Man, how do I do it? Alex insists this is untrue, but his shade plows on anyway. “[Gams] has made her decision, and she chose Ghaleon…” Again, Alex is adamant that this is a lie, because this entire quest to prove the primacy of free will hinges on insisting that the most powerful being in existence currently lacks it. I mean, this is in fact the case, but it’s ironic, no? Also ironic is the Doppelmaster going with the tack of trying to make Alex jealous of Ghaleon, over Gams. Sure, game. That’s the love triangle we’re working with here. “Of course she’d choose him, Alex,” he says. “He awakened the power within her… And [Gams]’s soul was forever extinguished when Althena’s soul was revived.” Okay, did Gams choose this shit or didn’t she? This is all very muddled. “The girl we grew up with…is no more.” I’m on record as to how much I think their personalities are a circular Venn diagram. “[Gams] isn’t dead!” Alex says. She’s surely alive! She’s living on the inside, roaring like a lion! I’m very, very sorry. The Doppelmaster’s full-court press of Gamsthena not giving a shit about her stupid flesh boyfriend anymore eventually beats Alex down into silence.