Sudit, with a mix of emotions on his face ranging from anger to fear of ass rape, runs away. Hugo has been staring dumbly into the distance all this time, perhaps wondering how much potch he could get if he sold Lulu to Guillaume. Enough to get that next weapons upgrade, I’d wager.
Since Hugo is, for the moment, directionless, he shrugs his pixellated shoulders and goes on a hunt for the wanker boy in the neckerchief. In the southwest corner of V. del Sexay, he instead runs across the other two wanker children that were standing in front of the Council HQ. One is a pigtailed brunette girl in pink and the other is a chubby, bespectacled blond boy who bears a very unfortunate resemblance to Ralphie from A Christmas Story. His actual name is Elliot, but that’s the last time you’ll hear it from me. The girl, Alanis, scolds Ralphie for being late, because they have a very important afternoon of standing on the sidewalk and looking stupid. Ralphie apologizes to Alanis, whom he calls “Alanis, Silver Maiden and Sub-Captain of the Saint Loa Knights.” The hell? This is the THIRD set of knights I’ve come across since I started playing this game no more than an hour an a half ago. It occurs to me that the citizens of Grasslands and Zexen must be very, very bored people, and to cure that boredom, they form knighthoods.
Anyway, back to this positively riveting storyline. Ralphie blames, of all things, his mother’s bean soup for making him late, as his evidently extraordinary sense of smell was so offended by the stuff that it took him longer to eat it all. What kind of character detail is that? I don’t want to know. Ralphie exposits of their bond as the “Three Knights of Zexen.” I’m sure we all know who the third one is, which would make these three the biggest trio of underage wankers since the island brats of Kingdom Hearts. Alanis and Ralphie run off to their secret meeting place, and I begrudgingly make Hugo follow.
The two wanker tots disappear into an alleyway. At the end of the alley, a ladder leads up to some scaffolding next to a second-story window. When Hugo knocks on the glass, Alanis asks him to say the lame-ass password for their lame-ass knight club. Hugo overheard them say it was “The Three [Wankers] of Zexen,” so he complies. Alanis lets him through the “gates,” thinking he’s Sudit. I’m sure Hugo and Sudit have identical voices, too.
Ralphie, being, I suppose, the “brains” of the group, immediately states the obvious: “You’re not [Sudit]!” Alanis whips out her little girl-sized staff and prepares to fight Hugo, along with the “Swordsman of Wind, [Ralphie]!” The Swordsman of Wank cowers behind her like the little bitch he is. Hugo, for his part, does exactly what I would do in this situation: he gapes at them stupidly, unsure if they’re actually serious about this whole Wankers of Zexen schtick. At this moment, they can all hear Sudit banging impatiently on the window, calling out their password. Great. Now Hugo is surrounded by these little psychos. Hugo nicely lets Sudit into the attic, and is thanked for it by being mistaken for “a new recruit.” What in the world did I do to deserve this?
At the Round Table of the Saint Loa Wankers, Hugo explains who he is and where he’s from, as if there’s some purpose to him being there, other than satisfying Lulu’s boredom. And if any of you think it fitting to suggest to me some other way Hugo could occupy Lulu–and by “other way” I mean “hot underage sex”–I’ll think it fitting to lop off your head with the Star Dragon Sword. Are we clear?
It’s a freaking dagger, not the Masamune.
Alanis and Ralphie are impressed to pieces that Hugo is a real-live Grasslander, and he even has a REAL weapon! Yes, Hugo and his little dagger are cool to mythic proportions. Can we shut up about him now? Sudit, on the other hand, is unimpressed, and even says, “My father carried a sword too, you know.” I’m waiting for him to blurt out “He’s the BEST!” just to make my comparison complete. Hugo, at this fiftieth mention of Sudit’s dad, recalls the argument in town. Alanis and Ralphie reassure Sudit that Guillaume is the jerk, and that his dad IS the BEST. Sudit, never losing his expression of dad-related angst, tells Hugo that his father went to the northern mountains and found a ship. He returned there again, probably to loot it, and never returned. Guillaume sent out a search party for him with no luck. Alanis gets the extremely bright idea that they should take a trip to the mountains to find the ship and prove the pedophile wrong. Ralphie pisses himself in terror for the second time in this scene. Sudit is also wary of the plan, which he conveys by quoting some words of wisdom from–wait for it–his father. Good grief. But Alanis isn’t worried in the least–after all, they now have the great HUGO and his Dagger of Disarray to protect them on the journey. Of course, Hugo cannot refuse. Fucking perfect. There should be a cap limit on number of wankers allowed in the party at one time. Four, plus one asshole duck, is a bit much for me.
As if all this weren’t enough of a punishment, they have to do a magical girl-type introduction scene. Sudit is the “[Wank]sman of Rage,” Alanis is the “[Wank]er Maiden,” and Ralphie is the “Swordsman of [Wank].” At the end of their intro they all pose with their hands in the air, because they suck and the game designers hate me.
By your powers combined, I am Captain Planet!
Ralphie whines about having to ask his mommy’s permission. Alanis, as the least irritating member of the Saint Loa Wankers (which still isn’t saying much), tells him to suck it up. She says they’ll all meet up at the front gate of V. del Sexay with…oh, wait, they don’t even know the name of the guy they just hired. “And Hugo,” she says after learning his name, “you come as soon as possible too. Don’t keep us waiting!” This girl has a serious bug up her ass over this whole adventuring thing.
At the gate, the game designers finally remember that Sergeant Duckman and Lulu are with Hugo. Apparently they were off to the side of the set eating popcorn during the homicide-inducing scene Hugo and I just suffered through. Sudit greets Hugo as “Duke Hugo of Karaya,” and Hugo so cares what his rank is in an imaginary knighthood. Then Sudit again feels the need to reverently mention his father. Before I can jump through the TV and strangle Sudit with his own ascot, the scene ends as the gang departs for the northern mountains. Sans Fubie. Sigh.
Before I forget, it should be noted that people in Zexen do not know how to dress themselves. Not only is Sudit wearing flood pants, a jean vest and a red neckerchief, but he’s also sporting yellow socks with red polka dots. Words cannot express the overall effect of this ensemble. Ralphie is no slouch in the clashing wardrobe department, either. Just a guess, but I think the character designers have been dabbling in the same mind-warping drugs as the game designers.
…and maybe a new pair of socks. Wouldn’t that be grand?
On the map, a handy side route to a place called the North Cavern presents itself. It seems this is a cave-spelunking dungeon, not a mountain-climbing dungeon. Take that last sentence any way you want. Ralphie sticks his keen sniffer into the air and announces that he can “detect the scent of water.” This is supposed to be important because we can see that Ralphie isn’t completely worthless, but it’s not like he’s doing anything a cuter and less annoying dog can’t do. Moving on. The Wanker Knights of Fashion-Crippled Zexen hesitate, because they’re cowardly children, before Alanis shoves them all inside the cave. Lulu calls the kids “tiny ironheads,” and says he’ll help out, since “it’s for the children.” Duckman wonders aloud why Lulu suddenly considers himself more mature than the Zexen scamps. I wish he would stop reading my mind like that.
The group makes its way through the random battle-infested cave. Anyone who thought Alanis or Sudit (Ralphie is a support character and doesn’t fight) would be surprisingly good or even decent in battle can stop holding their breath now. They suck more than Lulu. At a small opening in the pathway, Ralphie shows his asthmatic side and begs for time to rest. This should garner sympathy from an asthma sufferer like me, but it doesn’t. What can I say, the kid’s just too big a wanker. Not to mention that he hasn’t had to fight any monsters or bandits. (This is just another source of bitterness for me, since that means there is a spot open for Fubie in the party. Grrr.) Sudit tries to act manly and insist he can go on, but Duckman, the “wisest” member of the group, decides it is a good time to stop.
A short time later, Hugo is roused by Duckman’s sleep-talking. Which I’m sure is something like “Quack, quack, quack,” since we need to be reminded that he’s a duck and all. But he’s not the only one up, because this is a perfect time to have a Moment. Alanis is also awake, staring sadly at the campfire. Hugo asks her why she’s so hellbent on finding the ship, even moreso than Sudit is. She admits that she wants to do something good for her friend, because she won’t be around much longer. Because she has cancer.
Kidding! Her dad, she exposits, is a trader and they’re soon moving away from V. del Sexay. Since Sudit and Ralphie are the only friends she’s ever had (poor girl), she wants to make sure they’ll remember her for something. Oh, gag. Alanis should count herself lucky that she gets to travel far, far away from the Land of 10,000 Socks. Thus concludes our Moment of the Recap.