Hugo finds Jefferson in the first-floor parlor room, where he has already set up a shared office with Mike and his goddamn card table, including an ancient-looking weight machine, a massive desk covered in heavy books, and a chalkboard with one indecipherable line of characters written on it. Hugo gives him the medal sets he and his co-Flame Champions have been collecting for ages with no clue what to do with them, and Jefferson is of course delighted, fantasies of festooning himself with imaginary honors like David Clarke no doubt dancing through his head. What the medal sets actually do is provide Jefferson with a variety of titles he can assign to each member of the army. The titles can only be used by one character at a time and each character can only have one, so it’s actually the exact opposite of turning oneself into David Clarke. Some of them are purely ornamental, but others provide skill bonuses, and thus I am consigned to a fate of actually giving a shit about this. For now Hugo throws the best titles on his best folks more or less at random and gets the fuck out of here before Mike gets any fresh ideas about anyone wanting to play with him.

Finally free to do some actual fighting, Hugo drags his party out onto the Yaza Plains, where they are accosted by a powered-up random group of baddies, in this case a Stone Golem and three purple boars that are nonetheless called “Gold Boars.” (Their tusks and Behemoth-like back spikes are gold. Fine.) This seems like the perfect opportunity to see what Hugo’s True Fire Rune can do. If he doesn’t use it at least once before they meet again, the Mask is going to be irate. Just to take it easy at first and not accidentally kill all his friends, he opts for his first-level spell, Blazing Wall. As I’d hoped, Hugo gets his cast off before any of his party members blunder into range, and even better, it does 600 damage to each of the Purple Boars. It also fails to kill anything at all. It’s possible I was worried for nothing. And while it takes a while to get the golem down after the boars are gone, Hugo also slashes that big hunk of bricks five times per turn, and in one battle I’m already back where I started re: the usefulness of the True Fire Rune. By the end of the game I probably still won’t know how I feel about it, other than how it pleases me that it makes him the raging yang to Sarge and his Water Rune’s soothing yin. I have problems.

Hugo hoofs it all the way to Duck Village, for two recruits who absolutely could have waited, so I’m just going to fanwank my own choices and say Hugo wanted some extended quality time with Sarge and this was his pretext. Rhett and Wilder are again hanging out by the village water wheel, probably huffily complaining again about humans not recognizing the martial greatness of the Duck Clan. They both give Sarge a friendly greeting, which he repays with ellipses and the angriest face I’ve seen him make, and this man spent several hours around Lulu. Somehow not grasping this, the two of them go on to ask how the battle is going. “You’re right in the thick of it again, eh? Ho ho! Superb!” Rhett quacks. Oh, these two are such wangs. Again, Sarge seethes in silence. Eventually, they figure out that Sarge is maybe angry, though they can’t imagine why! I mean, Hugo clearly didn’t break up with him, he’s standing right there!

Finally, Sarge raises his–I’ve just noticed–lovely violet eyes at them, and they are narrowed with rage. He stamps his webbed feet and Rhett and Wilder jump out of their feathers in fright. “Good grief!” Sarge bellows. “What are you doing? Do you realize what’s going on? Quack!” Yeah! Quack! He demands to know what these idiots are doing here, though he knows the answer, and it is “nothing.” Rhett tries to say they’re guarding Duck Village, a laughable fiction. What the fuck are these two going to do if even one member of Team Mask shows up here? Albert could probably beat them up, and I don’t even know if he carries a weapon. But speaking of laughable fiction, Sarge says, “You’re needed elsewhere now. Go to Buttfuck Castle and fight with the others there.” I mean, more numbers are good, I suppose, but I did just get done saying these two couldn’t fight their way out of a wet paper bag even if they had Wolverine claws.

This is violence.

I figure being told what’s what by Sarge will be enough to get these two hopping, but they are still reluctant. Wilder stammers a bit, but Rhett says for them both, “We’re conscientious objectors.” OH, THE FUCK YOU ARE. I don’t exactly see you two picketing outside Karaya Village about The Cold Truth of War™. Also, saying this to their beloved Sergeant, whom they just lavished praise upon for PARTICIPATING IN THE WAR, somewhat undercut this message before they could even convey it. “Useless ducks!” Sarge yells, not even giving this bullshit the time of day. “Get ready to leave for Buttfuck immediately!” They run away without another word. Was I just saying Sarge was the soothing yin? Hm. Hugo watches all this happen and resists the urge to put his hands deep in his pockets.

Hugo’s next stop is all the way at the Mountain Path, though unlike the duck “pacifists,” this recruit is worth the leg work. Hugo is just about to head up the first winding trail when behind him, a voice cries, “…Waaaa!” It’s not more duck-quacking so I’ll take it. Wario lands on the ground with a loud crash, and the impact turns him into Viki. She looks around, confused and wondering where she’s landed this time. “Hmmm…Grassland?” she asks. “Never heard of it! This isn’t good. I’ll miss tonight’s big meal. And maybe more…” She was going to sit on the toilet for, like, AN HOUR after that feast. She had picked out the manga she was going to take in with her and everything.

Viki tells Hugo she is from “A place called the City-State of Jowston,” which indicates that once again Viki has skipped out, albeit accidentally, on all the important work of post-war republic-building. She’s basically an honorary Tenkai Star. I bet Barry wishes he could escape everyone he knows with one sneeze. Hugo, naturally, offers Viki a home at Buttfuck Castle and she gamely refers to herself as his new “teleportress.” Is that what we’re calling it now? Sure, it’s your career, gal! Hugo takes her up on her offer to bring him back to the castle with her, and to my relief, when he arrives, he finds the Blinking Mirror already bolted to a wall next to Viki on the first floor. “What?! Isn’t this what ‘together’ means?” Viki asks him. “Whoops. What a mess.” I expect this to mean Hugo can find Ayame and Watari’s splinched remains down by the stables, because otherwise I don’t know what the hell Viki is talking about. Despite this apparent critical failure, Viki brightly adds that she can send Hugo anywhere he would like to go. That is, anywhere he’s already been, and that kind of rules out anyplace desirable. With that in mind, Hugo first adds Viki to his party and then has her teleport them to Chisha Village.

In a tiny room in the underground inn, Tuta is counseling a Chishan patient who is apparently having success with the treatment his hot 21-year-old doctor has provided. He turns around to see Hugo standing with Mio. She announces she’s been SO WORRIED because of the fighting that she came to find him. Before you ask, no, there was no scene in which Mio expressed her concerns to Hugo, or even a note in the comment box. Good thing he’s a True Rune psychic now. Tuta apologizes to her for making her worry by doing his job, and both of them steadfastly ignore both Hugo and the massive elephant in the room that is their mutual throbbing pants feelings. Look, he can’t pine after Dr. Huan forever.

Once Tuta has been filled in on Hugo’s whole deal–he and Mio were approached by Frodo the first time, after all–Tuta eagerly agrees to reprise his role as a super-important Star of Destiny. “I see… Right. I understand. I might have a connection to the holder of the True Runes.” Uh huh. Hugo’s like, “What?” and Tuta acts like he didn’t just say they’re soulmates. “Let me help you,” he asks. “I’d like to expedite a ceasefire and get back to my studies. Agreed?” Okay, slow down, Jared Kushner. Let’s just limit your portfolio to setting broken bones for now. Tuta joins the team and can’t stop blushing at Mio’s mild insistence that she cares about his well-being. They’re being so fucking wholesome about it that it’s somehow even hornier.

I realize my error soon after exiting the village, when I search for the Blinking Mirror in Hugo’s inventory and cannot find it. I am extremely sure that in all the other games the mirror is not visible at headquarters until it’s usable, so I’m gonna go ahead and say this one’s not on me. But this security in my own lack of culpability doesn’t make me feel any better as Hugo is forced to hoof it all the way through Kuput Forest and the Amur Plains to make it to the location I should have teleported to first, the Mountain Path.

In the exact same spot Hugo encountered Viki maybe an hour ago by his time, Viki pulls out of him to look around at who knows what. Suddenly, she is overcome with a sneeze. Oh no, I’m losing her to the next game before she can even do anything! But after her “Aaah, aaah… A—choo!!!” escapes her, and I expect her faulty-ass Blinking Rune is about to carry her away because of a stupid ragweed allergy, she is instead replaced by a tiny version of herself. Okay, that probably wasn’t ragweed.

‘I’ll tell you if you tell me where your eyebrows are.’

Smol Viki, with a critical eye Swol Viki has never possessed, looks around and asks Hugo where she is. Hugo ignores this question to ask his own: “Viki. Did you, uh, shrink?” This is such an unprecedented situation that I did not think it would be possible to ask a stupid question about it, and yet here we are. This Viki is no fool, either, because she hears this drivel fall out of Hugo’s mouth and replies, “You’re none other than…Hugo of Karaya!” He sure is! This doesn’t tip off Hugo that this is a different Viki, though I’m not sure it’s fair to expect that of him. The Littlest Viki exchanges sentence fragments with Hugo for a moment, realizes what she is dealing with here, and sighs, “I don’t really want to do this.” Viki is all of us. She tells Hugo and the others to stand back, which he is sure to Shion first before complying. And he’s barely out of the way when Grande Viki crashes back to the ground a second time. Her tailbone has to be broken. It probably broke the first time.

‘I’m seeing double here. Four Vikis!’

This has the feel of a magic trick gone terribly wrong, down to Toddler Viki acting like the jig is up, like Teen Viki was supposed to float above their heads on a cloud until Hugo was sufficiently fooled and had bought a T-shirt. So of course, Hugo goes, “Whoa…?!” He’s still impressed. I love this sweet doofus. Viki the Younger tells a confused Viki the Elder where and when she is: “The mountains between Grassland and Harmonia. The year is 475 by the solar calendar.” Viki the Younger also has to tell her, “Viki. I’m Viki…” She is clearly hoping this will be the end of the confusion, but I guess it is truly hardest to know oneself. “Oh really?” 16 Ounce Viki says. “My name’s the same as yours? What a coincidence.” Hugo, of course, has his “This is all normal” face on as he watches Fun Size Viki contemplate drawing some kind of flow chart to penetrate her own future inch-thick skull. I mean, I talk a big game, but I don’t know what the fuck is happening here, either.

 Loading ...

While Big Sis Viki has already settled back into thinking about food, Little Sis Viki is concerned that she won’t be able to “go back” for a while. Let’s not even ask where or when that is. Hugo invites her, too, to stay at Buttfuck Castle. If he can recruit four more dogs later, he can certainly have two Vikis. Young Viki already knows where the castle is, of course, somehow, and turns to go. But before leaving, she remembers something. “I’d better give this back to you,” she says to Hugo, and hands him the Blinking Mirror. Well, I suddenly have a lot more questions, but I also have the Blinking Mirror and don’t care anymore! Let’s hit the pavement, whichever Viki stayed in the party!