Last time we joined Twink’s fabulous adventures, he and Jeanne sailed all over creation to sprinkle magic liquid on tree saplings, scratch their heads over Hyrule’s abandonment of natural selection, and throw poor Medli into walls for cheap laughs. And I’d like to give big ups to Jeanne for mentioning that trick with the ice arrows and the Hammer of Recapper Revenge for destroying Floor Masturbators. My hatred of those fuckers probably goes beyond any vitriol I’ve ever shown for anything in a recap–I’m serious–so being able to freeze and shatter them was divine therapy.
We pick up on Needle Cock Isle, where Twink has just bombed a lurid golden boat to get a Triforce Chart. Twink feels like hanging out for a while at this out-of-the-way, penisy paradise. His cabana island’s great and all, but it doesn’t have a large, erect rock sticking out of it. Oh, baby.
Upon landing, Twink sees the red postbox twitching in arousal. The letter for Twink has been sent C.O.D., so it costs Twink ten Rupees just to read it. Once he’s paid up, the mailbox spits out its load and leaves Twink to his correspondence. “Yo! How ya been, man?” it starts. Twink is confused, since he’s pretty sure none of his many boyfriends talk like that. It turns out it’s from Baito, the non-Rito intern from the Dragon Phallus Post Office. Wait, he works for the postal service and he sent the letter C.O.D.? Asshole. Baito goes on to thank Twink for his “help” earlier, admitting that he is a lamewad and still can’t sort more than 22 letters. “I doubt I’ll ever be as good as you, man,” he adds. Goddamn right. He spends the next two paragraphs kissing Twink’s ass some more, saying that he really wanted to send Twink a “letter of encouragement.” Following is lame stuff like “Never give up! Never lose hope!” and “Go! Go! Go!” The world and all Twink’s man-toys are in dire peril because of a pudgy sorcerer and there are valuable sparklies to be collected, but Baito writing a lame missive and then making Twink pay to read it? Just the inspiration our hero needed.
Finally, Baito gets to the point and says he’s enclosed his letter-monkey earnings as a contribution to Twink’s noble cause. “I’m really sorry I had to send this C.O.D.,” he finishes, “but I guess that’s the price of fame!” What the hell does that even mean? Twink’s famous so he has to pay for all his letters while other people don’t? Again: asshole. Twink finds a red Rupee in the envelope, meaning he gets a ten Rupee net profit after paying for it. Wow, great help there, Baito. This won’t even cover the two-drink minimum at the Tingle Penis.
The next order of business here, after collecting some more of The Look of Twink™ Electric Blue Hair Gel, is a large chunk of ice covering a hole in the ground. Twink snaps a fire arrow at the ice to melt it and drops excitedly into the hole, only to find a dank cave with the wreckage of three or so pirate ships. This is an enclosed cave, presumably entirely contained within this island, as it is daytime out and there is almost no light. I’m not even going to worry about what the fuck pirate ship wreckage is doing in here. Tell you what: I’m going to assume the ships are part of a natural rock formation. It’s just easier than questioning it.
Spot the torch, kids!
Turns out that there is a puzzle down here also involving the fire arrows–there are six unlit torches around the cave, and a sign creeps, “To the living: Light the six torches and dive down to the sea floor. Guide the lost spirit of the boat that forever wanders in darkness.” I can pretty safely say that this prattle is meaningless, and all that comes of this puzzle is a chest with money in it. Whatever, creepy sign. Twink needs the Prima Strategy Chart just to figure out where the more distant torches are–some of them are positioned so that you can only see them from a certain spot in the cave–but thankfully there is no time limit for this task, nor do they have to be hit in a certain order. And there are refills of arrows and magic decanters all over the cave. I keep expecting there to be some catch, like fifty Dicknuts materializing behind Twink and sodomizing him when he lights all six, but nothing of the sort happens. The only thing that appears is a treasure chest with an orange Rupee. I’m not trying to demand face-clawingly difficult sidequests here, but that was easy even for me.
The next thing to do here on Needle Cock, however, will teach me to keep my yap shut about things being too easy. On the south end of the island, a treasure chest rests tantalizingly inside a ring of fire. Of course it’s not as simple as firing an ice arrow at the thing. Instead, there is a switch somewhere around here that must be hit to turn off the fire. The switch in this case is located at the very tip of the Needle Cock, along with what appears to be the nest of five dozen Kargaroc Princesses. There is no way for Twink himself to get up there, so he must use an Orgasm Pear to call upon the help of his seagull friends. The Prima Chart offers this piece of extraordinarily helpful advice: “Defeat the Kargarocs before attempting this.” Yeah, that’s nice, except that only a couple of them will ever fly far enough from their phallic home for Twink to lock on with any of his range weapons. And there are more than a couple of them. Many more. This means I get to pick a spot on the island and wildly fling Twink’s precious arrows at the tiny moving targets in the sky. Let’s just say this operation goes about as smoothly as Tidus and Yuna’s wedding night would.
Twink begins to panic as his arrows run low–if he has to leave to buy more arrows, the few Kargaroc Princesses he managed to fell would reappear! But his invisible controller has a backup plan: using a spare Orgasm Pear, Twink uses a seagull as Kargaroc bait, making the seagull fly close to the Kargarocs and luring them close to Twink so he can boomerwang ’em. But this, too, is a flawed plan, because the Kargarocs are fickle mistresses, and lose interest in the seagull quickly enough that only one or, if Twink is lucky, two of them actually get close enough for the plan to work. Finally, Twink surmises that he might have rid himself of enough of them to just make a run at the switch, so he uses his final Orgasm Pear to send the seagull spiraling up the Needle Cock. Oh, but lo and behold, five more Kargaroc Princesses are waiting for the hapless bird at the top. The camera cuts away from the bird at the first contact, sparing me the sight of its gangraping.
Oh noes!
I should point out that Kargaroc Princesses make this odd sound when they’re perched, like they’re choking on a chicken bone. (Like that.) And when that many Kargarocs are doing it, it sounds like there’s a twisted orgy of horrors at the top of the spire. Twink is intrigued, but forces himself to concentrate on his current problem–he’s out of Orgasm Pears and arrows. With a sigh, he teleports back to Greatfish Isle to pay a visit to Big Gay Beedle, who–God dammit–does not carry Orgasm Pears. Twink grunts in annoyance and warps to NPC Island, but the Big Gay Beedle there also does not have Orgasm Pears. What, is there a fucking run on Orgasm Pears now? Are they the hot new summer item?
Twink knows that backwater Outset must still have the pears in stock, so it’s back home to visit his third Big Gay Beedle. Jesus, this is turning into such a project. I just want that fucking chest! Big Gay Beedle Alpha does indeed have Orgasm Pears, bless his heart. Twink buys several and also restocks his bait, because Lord knows how silly I would feel if I came across an island shaped like an anatomically correct dong and I couldn’t show you on the chart because I didn’t have the bait to bribe DickFish.
As long as Twink is here on Outset, he may as well take care of some other errands. Jesus. This is like going to the grocery store for a stick of butter and some potatoes, and coming back with two pints of chocolate ice cream, some nice T-bones you saw on sale and a copy of the Weekly World News because it looked like a good one this week. The first order of business is dealing with some of Twink’s excess bling–the ten Knight’s Crests he’s been carting around. They’re a little ugly to make much of a profit in his new boutique. But he does recall that Orca, the ugly geezer who gave Twink his first pointy blade, has a liking for the things. Twink’s already given up his boy candy to Lenzo, so why not show this old man the goods, too?
When Twink enters Orca’s abode, the half-naked geriatric is in the middle of pummeling his favorite piece of oceanic taxidermy. Twink opens his mouth to say “Here’s some Knight’s Crests, byeeee!” but before he can get a sound in edgewise Orca overwhelms him with Last Week’s News. After telling Twink how worried he was when he found out where our hero ran off to and why, he adds that Outset Island has been in shitty shape since he left. Except Twink already came back and found this out ages ago. Get with the times, Gramps. But Orca sees now that Twink has gained a bit of a reckless edge since last they “sparred” together. “Very good!” he enthuses. “Show me just how much you’ve improved your sword skills!” Oh, Twink is very eager to demonstrate that. But what the poor boy doesn’t see coming is a staggering test of stamina.
This is not to be a light romp like Twink’s previous swordfighting tutorials. Orca just wants to hit Twink blade-on-blade…for as long as Twink can stand to go. If Twink can dish out 100 hits to Orca without being hit himself three times–subtext!–Orca confers upon the young man the rank of Knight and a purple Rupee. And if Twink can really keep it up (yeah, IT) and smack Orca with his favorite phallic object a whopping 300 times, he earns the rank of Master and a Piece of Ass. Of course, that’s assuming I feel like bothering with it right now, which I don’t. Twink fights leisurely with Orca until he feels spent, at around 80 hits. Give him a break–he is young and virile, but he’s also been traveling all night on a grouchy talking boat.
Oh, he already knows that technique.
Before Orca can distract him again, Twink fishes the ten Knight’s Crests out of his McDonald’s Halloween Happy Meal Spoils Bag. Orca drops his sweaty, hard spear at the sight of the leather collars. When he realizes there are ten of them, he knows that Twink has earned the right to learn a fabulous new sword technique. And the right to hear some exposition, which is just so exciting. “Both my brother and I dreamed of learning this technique in our youth,” Orca opines. “We worked hard to collect the crests… But it took many long years and adventures beyond count before we even approached finding ten of them, and we both grew old… It appears you have enough might to learn that technique now.” Okay, wait. So did he and Cashew Head get ten of the things or not? It sounds like they didn’t. And if they didn’t, how does Orca know the technique? Let’s go to the poll!
Loading ...So this technique is called the Hurricane Spin. I know this may be muddled by the confusing name, but Twink uses this attack to spin around and around with his charged-up Masturbator Sword. Although I don’t know why I’m picking on the name–if this were Xenosaga it’d be called the Spear of Longinus St. Peter’s Angel Dust Spin or something. Orca drops his spear and sobs openly at Twink’s brilliance with the blade. “At last, you have made our long-held dream come true!” He cries white, pearly tears–seriously–for another minute or so, and then wipes them away. Can’t blame him–I wouldn’t want that kind of fluid all over my face. “I am certain now that you will save your sister, [Maryll Sue], and bring her home to Outset!” he sobs. Is he stuck in a time warp?
‘I feel like a big brute man!’
Twink takes his leave of the emotionally exhausted Orca and runs up the hill to the home of the Pig Lovers. In the sty, as before, there is a single, positively huge black pig. With his shiny new power bracelets, Twink is now enough of a man to heft the hog over his head and carry it out of the pen. Through a minefield of ChuChus Twink runs, the pig squealing in distress and possibly lust as they cross the bridge to the other half of the island. Setting his prize pork down, he valiantly defends it from the ChuChu attacks. Sigh, the pig probably thinks to itself. My heeeeero. If the pig is female, then she is of course oinking up the wrong tree, but I’m not about to lift up its skirt and check.
Once all the monsters are gone Twink goes about his task. Fishing some of the DickFish bait out of his bag, he spreads it on a conspicuous patch of soil, into which the pig gleefully burrows. And in the exact spot where the pig’s ass just disappeared into the dirt, a Piece of Ass appears. I’d rather not think about one of Twink’s glittery baubles being tainted by pig anus, so let’s just assume it came out of the dirt. Yeah.