In Sam’s last homosexual installment, she discovered some enormous phallic monuments, unearthed some kiddie porn statues, and set the stage for an extremely disturbing five-way involving Twink and the Tingle family. There was also something about bombs and Jabun and Outset Island, but that part was so confusing, I totally lost track of what happened.

We begin the next part of Twink’s adventure in front of the impressive Phallus of the Gods. As much as Twink would like to work his way up its massive shaft ASAP, his mysterious controller has some other plans for him at the moment. Plans that involve sailing to NPC Island for the fifty kajillionth time. With a depressed sigh, Twink whips out his white baton and waves it around until the wind blows him the right way. Sure, he has all those adult boyfriends on NPC Island, but if any of them could compete with the size of the Gods’ Phallus, he wouldn’t have had to go through all the trouble of collecting those pearls now, would he?

At the time I recorded this footage, I was eating a bowl of noodles. As Twink traveled between the Phallus of the Gods and NPC Island, I just pointed him the right way, set the controller down, and ate until he arrived at his destination. Hey, I have to fill up those black holes of time somehow.

Back in his favorite town, Twink does something that no one has ever done before — he heads straight over to talk to Loserboy. I hope you’ll excuse me for using the word “straight” — it has no place in this game. Loserboy is as whiny as ever, telling Twink to go away so he can finish composing his next song lyric-ridden Livejournal entry. But just like anyone who pretends to be too depressed for words, he manages to sneak out a few details of his suffering — someone did something to him “right under [his] nose” but that someone is an “all-right guy” anyway. Well, that’s clear as mud. Jesus.

Twink presses for more information on Loserboy’s undoubtedly tragic situation. After Twink takes another round of verbal beating (and not the good kind of beating), Loserboy finally says, “Are you trying to tell me that you DO understand how I feel?” Well, of course Twink understands angst. He may not be writing novel length essays of woe in the aforementioned Livejournal, but he does have a few problems of his own. Hello!

Loserboy isn’t going to take Twink’s word for it. Twink wishes this was one of those times where the NPCs automagically know all the latest information. I mean, come on — he’s Twink, collector of magical jewelry and rescuer of young nubile Koroks. The successor to the legendary hero. He shouldn’t have to explain all this shit! But Loserboy requires Twink to undergo a test to see if he truly understands pain deep in his soul. And that test is: “I want you to show me a picture of the first perfectly round, pale thing you can think of.” Hoo boy. Not exaggerating here, folks.

I’d like to go on a tangent for a moment. See, I’ve been spending the last week playing either Wind Wanker — for the game footage, obviously — or Myst IV, the latter of which I received for Christmas. While I was examining the cases for these two games, I noticed something odd — Myst IV has a rating of Teen and Wind Wanker has a rating of Everyone. Granted, I haven’t finished Myst IV yet, but apart from some criminal overacting and my own irritated profanity, there really isn’t much about the puzzles to warrant a higher age rating. It’s not like you have to find a way to line up three penis-shaped levers with the correct three buttholes or anything. But Wind Wanker, on the other hand, is chock full of phallic imagery, double entendres, gay buttsex, pedophilia, and vaginas that try to swallow your soul. It’s like they’ll slap a kids rating on anything that looks like a cartoon.

Anyway, back to this “test.” The only problem Twink has is that he can think of two perfectly round, pale things — one of Tingle’s lily-white buttcheeks or a testicle. And since there are two of each of those, that would be four perfectly round, pale things. This is getting more complicated than Twink originally thought. “If you show me something that’s exactly the same as my favorite thing, then you win, and I’ll acknowledge…that you understand the inner workings of my heart and mind,” Loserboy says. Whoa. Twink realizes that Loserboy is totally hitting on him. And while Twink is always up for some man candy, this guy has way too much emotional baggage. Twink doesn’t need some mopey high maintenance piece of ass when he can hook up with Big Gay Beedle or the Dicku Tree any time he wants.

But this guy has one good thing to give him, according to Twink’s valuable strategy chart. With the intention of giving Loserboy the brushoff afterward, Twink sallies forth to snap the picto that will prove his worth. Apparently, Loserboy’s perfectly round, pale thing is the moon — not Tingle’s moon, but the actual full moon. Obviously, he and Twink are not on the same wavelength. Good thing Twink isn’t above a little white lie to get the goods.

Twink uses his magical song to turn day into night. Shaking off the temptation to visit Liberace on his grassy knoll for a quickie, Twink instead hunts down Loserboy at his nightly vantage point where he stares at the stars and feels sorry for himself. After snapping a shot of the full moon, Twink attempts to sneak away before Loserboy discovers him. Uh-oh, too late! Loserboy invites Twink over to his special spot to stargaze, lying that Twink will get “a better view” even though he’s, like, five feet away. Twink awkwardly brushes off this proposition, citing a previous engagement.

After quickly turning night back into day, Twink finds that Loserboy has been replaced by a burly sailor wearing a little black hat and black suspenders. Score! Twink hasn’t seen this guy before. He seems rather obsessed with the wind, which gives him the opportunity to use several “blow” double entendres. Twink gets so giddy he almost forgets to finish his stupid Loserboy quest. He chats up his sexy sailor for a while, and after making a future date, makes his way back to that mopey asshole. The things he does for treasure.

Loserboy jizzes himself over Twink’s full moon picture. “Unrequited love may have twisted me up inside, but I can still find peace when I gaze at the timeless moon…” he sighs. Whoa, this guy moves fast. But at least he gets that Twink isn’t interested in him — maybe this means that he won’t end up stalking Twink. That would be nice.

For his trouble, Twink receives yet another Treasure Chart. Like he doesn’t already have a million of those. But Loserboy is out of his hair now, and it’s on to bigger and better quests. Or maybe not. The next asshole in need is the former beauty queen with a mustache. She asks Twink how she looks today, like he gives a fucking shit. “You know, HE always shows off his pictures of me just as soon as he’s taken them,” Former Miss NPC says. Okay, now we know she’s a pathological liar — no man in this game is going to be taking pictures of chicks. Crazy bitch. But this is Former Miss NPC’s “subtle” hint to Twink that he should take her picture. So, breaking the No Chicks rule of picture taking, Twink reluctantly snaps a pictograph of this delusional woman, mustache and all.

Further proving her boundless levels of insanity, Miss NPC totally freaks out over this gorgeous picture of her frumpy wrinkled bod. Whatever, lady. All Twink cares about is his reward — another Treasure Chart. God damn it! The really great thing about receiving all these charts is that I get to sit through the entire Treasure Chart explanation every time I get one. I love that so much!!!!!

Twink has apparently not learned his lesson yet, so he decides to embark on yet another sidequest. This one involves another girl because Twink secretly hates himself. The town’s resident hot chick, Linda, shyly informs Twink that Lenzo told her fortune: “He told me that if I send a beautiful pictograph of myself to the one who has captured my heart, true love will blossom in return…” How convenient that the pictographer told her she needed to have a pictograph taken in order to be happy. That crafty Lenzo! Unfortunately, his wicked plan shall never come to fruition, as Hot Chick enlists Twink to take her pictograph. “Maybe he’ll notice my affections…” Cue record scratch noise. “He“? Uh-oh. Twink doesn’t have the heart to tell this girl that everyone in this game is gay, and she’s better off with Sue-Belle and her jugs. Keeping his mouth shut, he takes the required picture and agrees to show it to her crush. The poor girl.

As you’ll recall from our last pictograph adventure on NPC Island with these two, the guy in question is Anton, the avid walker. You just read that as “wanker,” didn’t you? Good. Twink keeps his face carefully neutral as he shows Anton the sexy clothed shot he took of Hot Chick. Anton proceeds to go way overboard in his admiration of the girl, talking about how HOT and GORGEOUS and PRETTY she is and OMG he totally wants to do it with her vagina…..CHICKS! He fools no one, especially not Twink. Twink manages to maintain his poker face, taking note of Anton’s decision to ask Hot Chick to go on a date at the local café.

Fast forward a couple of days through the magic of Twink’s baton. As expected, Twink finds Hot Chick and Anton together at the café. “The two of us…are going to start dating! Don’t we make a delightful couple?” Hot Chick squeals. Meanwhile, Anton stands there with a completely fixed grin on his face, like he only just realized the ramifications of dealing with a beard. Hot Chick continues to ramble on about how her life is, like, totally complete now, yay! For Twink’s extremely difficult contribution to their “relationship,” Hot Chick gives him…a Piece of Ass! When Twink finishes gagging at the prospect of a piece of girl ass, he accepts the gift anyway. He needs all the life hearts he can get. Twink feels dirty.

Washing his hands of this situation, Twink proceeds to the next quest. He can stop anytime he likes, really! The gossipy ladies in town seem to have an unholy fixation with Lenzo. They totally want to fuck his brains out, but they’ve heard that he’s seeing someone. Twink whistles innocently. “The lucky lady! Who could she be?!” one of the women says. If Twink were drinking something, he would totally have just spit it all over. “She“? Is every woman in this town in some sort of sick denial? It’s like a town full of Squall fangirls.

When one of the women “subtly” hints that she wishes she could see a pictograph of Lenzo and his “lady friend,” Twink knows what he has to do. He has to use the timer function on his Picto Box to get a picture of him and Lenzo in a compromising position. That’ll teach those hags! But this will take some creativity — he can’t just barge into Lenzo’s shop and strip naked. Well, he could, but he doesn’t want Lenzo to think he’s a total manwhore. Instead, he uses the Dicku shit to glide over to a secret balcony above the door to Lenzo’s shop. This might lead to Lenzo’s bedroom! Squee!

Damn it, it just leads to a secret tunnel without any bedlike furniture whatsoever. Twink consoles himself by stealing a Treasure Chart and some rupees out of the chests. He finds another of those tight openings he likes so much and squeezes his way through the tunnel Lemmiwinks-style until he drops into Lenzo’s main lobby. The man himself is in front of his counter, conversing with — gasp! — Former Miss NPC! Twink snaps a picture to use as proof later, then slaps Lenzo across the mouth. He said he was going to be working late, that lying bitch.

Of course, it’s not like any guy in this game is going to be making time with a woman, but still.

Lenzo stops in the middle of a pictograph-related monologue, noticing his young ass-istant standing there with a Picto Box and a jealous scowl. Lenzo is all, “Baby, it’s not what you think” and Former Miss NPC is all, “It’s nothing, really! He loves you!” Regardless of what’s really going on here, Twink decides to give Lenzo the cold shoulder for now so that they can have some hot make-up buttsex later.