In the last phallus-waggling, vagina-destroying installment, Twink learned that it’s okay, nay, encouraged, to be gay, that female genitalia and spiky eyeballs are out to get him, and that if Makar’s involved, he’s definitely not above a little interspecies lovin’. That is, unless the Dicku Tree pops a cap seed in his ass for getting too cozy with the merchandise.
Jeanne indicated to you at the end of her adventures in Phallus Haven that Twinkie and I would be spending quite a lot of time out on the water. Well, she wasn’t fucking kidding. We start out back with Sean Connery in front of the Dicku Tree’s majestic abode, and SC is still all concerned and shit about Ganon and the safety of the third pearl. God, how five games ago is that guy? And no fashion sense. Twink rolls his eyes at the boat as he waves his sparkly wand to make the wind blow in the right direction. And I know that you guys are capable of reading on your own, but I still have to point out that I said “blow.” Hehe.
On the way, Twink takes a small detour to the west, because I’m stupid and ignored both Sean’s instructions and the big glowing “GO HERE, DUMBASS” icon on the Sea Chart. As a result, in a place called Two-Eye Reef–obviously a bad place, given its physical resemblance to icky lactating girl parts–Twink and Sean are sucked into a whirlpool, at the center of which there is a big fucking Octo, complete with large, towering phallic head and long phallic tentacles. This would spell doom for our hero and his talking boat, if Twink hadn’t scored his shiny, bejeweled Boomerwang back in the Forbidden Penis. Twink uses the Boomerwang to target as many of the creatively-named Big Octo’s eyes as he can, all while spiraling ever closer to the monster’s gaping, puckering, seemingly blowjob-ready mouth. When at last Twink has stabbed out all the poor bastard’s eyes, it screams in pain before sinking back under the water. And right out of it, in the exact place the Big Octo just was, pops a Great Fairy.
This game’s incarnation of Great Fairies is a little…well…odd. Instead of the traditional Barbie doll blondes of the older games, or even the slutty redhead Amazon chicks of Ocarina of Time, these Great Fairies look like they’ve had their colors reversed, like a photo negative. They also have pupil-less eyes, pointed heads and four arms. What can I even say about this, other than, “Hey, look, crack”?
*puff*
Bizarro Great Fairy thanks Twink, “the [wanker] of winds,” for saving her from that nasty-ass bloated thing down there. “As thanks,” she says, “I shall give you just a little of my power…” Apparently this power wasn’t enough to escape from a giant Blooper. Just sayin’. Bizarro Great Fairy grants Twink this power via some magic lotus blossoms she blows at him from her cupped palms. Yeeeah. The point is, Twink’s magic meter, seconds before just an average length, is now magnum-sized. Solid! “May the winds of fortune always blow across your bow,” the fairy says as a farewell, leaving Twink exuberant over his new magic manhood, and me giggling like an idiot at the thought of wind blowing on Twink’s “bow.”
So now that Twink feels like even more of a big brute man, let’s get back to getting that third pearl, shall we? As Twink nears the area Sean marked on his chart, our hero can’t help but notice the weather seems to be getting distinctly unfabulous. Gone are the beautiful blue skies, fluffy white clouds and calm seas, replaced by torrential rain, thunder and lightning, and my personal favorite, huge purple sharks in the water that ram Sean right in his…hull. The “Whee OMG sailing!” music has also changed–it’s the same basic theme, but the composers have evilled it up a bit with the help of the “sinister mix” button on the keyboard. All in all, when Twink arrives at his destination, Greatfish Isle, he’s grouchy, filled with foreboding, and soaked to the bone. And not in the dirty, fun way that my word choice suggests. Poor Twink’s mood isn’t helped by Sean Connery freaking out like a bitch at the sight in front of them.
“Look, Twink! Do you see it?” Sean grunts, because Twink needs pointed out to him the large, ominous black cloud hanging over the island. SC wonders what happened here, but with about a dozen more ellipses than he needed. Our boys sail to the nearest beach, and as Twink tries in vain to wring the water out of his clothes, SC informs us that Greatfish Isle isn’t supposed to be a mass of wreckage and crags–it has, in fact, been destroyed. NO! Furthermore, the guy we were looking for, “a great water spirit named Jabun,” should be here, “but no sign of him remains…” I’m guessing that this Jabun is a fire-engine red water spirit, but maybe I’m overanalyzing the text here.
‘Who you callin’ a ho, slutbag?’
At this moment, just when Twink was looking for some exposition to make sense of this horrible madness, Quill the Postal Expositor flaps down onto the beach. Quill explains that he’s been looking all over for Twink. “Are you by chance seeking the great spirit, Jabun?” Twink, still wet and irritable, holds back any number of stinging retorts, as he’d like to know what the hell’s going on and where he needs to go and all that.
Loading ...So, according to Quill, Jabun is no longer hanging out here. You know, exactly like Sean Connery told us two seconds ago. Quill basically says that Ganon did a number on this place and Jabun had to swim away to a new hidey hole. “Would you like to guess where that abode may be?” Quill asks Twink. No, he would not like to guess. He would like you to tell him, as that is obviously why you are here. So stop trying to be cute and spill it, asshole. And so he does. “…On the island where you were born,” he says, and then pauses for about ten minutes, so I can work out where Twink was born, as I am a moron. Finally, he finishes, “On Outset.” Oh, thank God he clarified that for me. I was dying from the suspense.
Twink makes this hilarious grimace, as if the very idea of going back to his podunk home makes him sick, now that he’s met all his fabulous boyfriends abroad. But Quill isn’t done: “Yet even if you were to go to Outset now, you would not be able to see Jabun. The cave where he hides is sealed with a mighty stone slab that repels all who try to pass it.” Indeed, this piece of rock is so big that “not even the pirates with their mighty ship could get in…”
That’s right. Because Quill was dumb and spilled the whole sordid tale to Tetra and her ass pirates, they sailed off to Outset in hopes of busting into the cave and robbing Jabun of whatever amazing treasures he might possess. “…It is lucky they could not gain entrance,” Quill says, happy that his ass is covered in this embarrassment. “I have heard that they were last spotted on [NPC] Island, but doing what, I do not know.” My guess would be “having lots of buttsex,” given who all lives there. Quill reasons that Twink should also head for NPC Island, if he’d like to find out how to get to Jabun. Not the best of reasoning, but visiting Liberace and the rest of the gay gang sounds like a lark.
Quill takes off, his molty feathers flying off his wings and sticking to poor Twink’s sad, soaked self. This is the worst day ever. He slumps over to Sean Connery, hoping at least to be cheered up by a joke about Alex Trebek’s mom, but Sean just piles on the misery by re-explaining, in detail, that perhaps the ass pirates know something about Jabun’s closed-up cave, and that maybe they should go to NPC Island. It’s like Sean and Quill decided they would be the Redundancy Twins of Redundancy today.
So, like, I think I might need to go to NPC Island. Does that sound right to you guys? It’s been five seconds, so I forgot. Oooops!
Just to stick it to stupid Quill and Sean, Twink stalls a bit on Greatfish Isle. After dog-paddling heroically for a couple minutes, he reaches an outcropping of rock with a spiraling path up to the top. At the tip, he meets none other than Linder, Makar’s other boyfriend. Twink is caught between jealousy and curiosity at what two Koroks are like in the sack. Yeah, I went there. Linder is standing sadly next to a limp and withered tree sapling, which immediately garners Twink’s sympathy. Linder greets Twink, and reminds us that he is here to spread the phallic tree love around the Great Sea.
…Oh, my.
Unfortunately, the Greenpeace campaign ain’t going so great. As Linder explains it, these trees need the nourishing climate of Phallus Haven in order to grow to be as big and penisy as possible, so it’s likely that the saplings of all the other Koroks are also shriveling up like Tingle in the hot tub. And this is bad, because for some unknown reason all the trees have to grow, or they all fail to grow, as if these new Dicku Trees are on a string of Christmas lights.
The solution to this is for Twink, our “mighty swordsman,” to go to Phallus Haven, grab a bottle of Dicku Tree jizz Phallus Haven water, and sprinkle it liberally on each dying tree. But this is one of those awful time limit side quests, and Twink is right now ill-equipped to complete it, so Linder and the other Korok bitches are just gonna have to wait. After a quick slap on Linder’s wooden ass and a red Rupee tucked in the Korok’s leaf mask (so the Dicku Tree doesn’t smack him up), and a Piece of Ass gained by floating between the crags with his Dicku Shit, Twink jumps back down to the water, ready to go with Sean to NPC Island.
It becomes clear after a few minutes of sailing that this curse, contrary to what Sean and Quill said, is not limited to Greatfish Isle. Nope, it’s nothing but rain, thunder and dark curse-ish music all over the Great Sea. This so sucks. Whose dick does Twink have to suck to get a little sunshine around here?
What, CHAOS!!!’s wang?
When Sean and Twink reach NPC Island, they immediately see Tetra’s gargantuan pirate ship docked on the beach. Sean brilliantly deduces, “The pirate ship has stopped here to avoid drawing the attention of the townsfolk…” Because it would have been much more conspicuous to anchor their ship five miles offshore where no one would actually see it. Wait, I think I’ve confused myself. But Sean takes my mind off his non-logic by continuing, “I know not what they are researching, but if they are hoping to get their hands on Jabun’s sacred gem…” Is that the equivalent of “family jewels”? Sean finishes his thought by saying that it’s unlikely the pirates will just up and tell Twink what they know. Maybe I’m missing something here, but I thought the pirates didn’t know anymore than Twink here, and that’s why they haven’t already mugged Jabun and stolen his family jewel. It seems like it would be a more efficient use of our time to figure out how to get in ourselves, instead of wasting energy chasing the pirates around when they might not even have a clue.
Anyway, we all know I’m wrong, however logical I’m trying to be about this, so let’s just move on before I develop a migraine. So Twink, per Sean’s request, is to go find the ass pirates and spy on them in a very sneaky fashion. I hope this doesn’t involve me actually having to do a bunch of flitting around unnoticed, à la the Forsaken Fortress, because I’m about as good at that shit as Jeanne is, and I think she’s sufficiently covered that subject, so I should have to say no more.
Twink the Genius has a miraculous brain spark and suddenly knows exactly where to find the ass pirates out of all the places on this island. Stealthily, except not, he runs up to the bomb shop. Somehow figuring out that running in through the front door would not be at all sneaky, Twink instead sidles along the narrow ledge leading to the back of the shop. And when I say he “sidles,” I mean he tries to sidle but falls off into the water below three or four times because I suck at this game, and then gives up and just jumps across. Fuck sneaky.
Up some vines on the walls, and Twink finds a small, tight opening in the rear. Of the building, you guys. Excited, Twink crouches down and wiggles through the hole. Squeeze in there, Twink! When he comes out the other side, our hero finds himself on a ledge of wooden planks above the first floor of the shop. And at this vantage point he is privy to some “interesting” events.
Gonzo and Mako the ass pirates are in the middle of binding and gagging the asshole bomb shop owner. There are several quick shots of the other pirates carting out bombs and a shot of the bomb picture on the bomb shop’s sign. Gee, I wonder what those wily pirates are up to. “Look, don’t be mad at us!” Gonzo says loudly and clearly, just in case there was someone over on Dragon Phallus who couldn’t hear. “It’s not our fault that we absolutely gotta have bombs to get the treasure we’re after!” I’m still a little lost. What would they need bombs for?
He adds, justifiably, “How about you just think of it as payback for the nasty little monopoly you’ve been running here, yeah?” It turns out that the bomb shop owner was as much of a prick to the ass pirates as he was to Twink on his first visit here, and demanded unbelievable prices for his straight-out-of-Din’s-sacred-ass bombs, except that the pirates weren’t pussies about it and decided to rob him for being so rude.