Luckily, Twink has enough talent to make it through this area in one try, not because I’ve had to do this part over and over again in previous games — no, not at all. Twink uses the convenient doorway to enter the giant tree. Inside the grotto, the camera pans up to show us a tree-covered island surrounded by water. Yes, that means that there are trees growing inside another tree. Don’t ask me, I’m just the recapper. Little sparkly lights float around the area, meaning that if we were in Spira, there would be dead people walking around left and right, some of them hot, some of them pedophiles. But here they’re just fireflies.
Twink happens upon a large tree with a face. It looks like Treebeard mated with that troll from the first Harry Potter movie. Enjoy the nightmares, people. This, of course, is the Dicku Tree, and I kind of miss the porn-star-mustached Dicku Tree from Ocarina of Time. It would at least have made the nickname even more appropriate. Unfortunately, this Dicku Tree has come down with a severe case of ChuChu Acne, as the irritating things sprout up all over his face like tiny — you guessed it — penises. The Dicku Tree moans — which would also have been funnier if he had the porn star mustache — and Twink runs forward to help him. He accomplishes this by doing his rolling attack into the Dicku Tree’s trunk, which you think would hurt rather than help the tree. But it merely knocks the ChuChus onto the ground where — joy — Twink gets to deal with them using the business end of his sword.
Once Twink vanquishes the ChuChus, the Dicku Tree starts talking to him in the same runic language as Valoo. Twink stares at him, a look of supreme horror and confusion plastered on his face, kind of like how I looked during the makeout scene from Final Fantasy X. What a drama queen. Or maybe he’s just freaked out because the Dicku Tree sounds like that creepy slowed-down voice that you can hear in the underground prison in Silent Hill 2.
Suddenly, the lily pad that Twink is standing on levitates up to the Dicku Tree’s face, where the tree starts talking in English. He apologizes for using his ancient tongue on Twink, but he kind of couldn’t help it after seeing the young man’s gay green clothes. He thanks Twink for his help with the ChuChus, so he’s actually a nice tree, despite the word “dick” in his name. Or else he wants to get into Twink’s pants. He asks Twink if it was Sean Connery — who must be, like, the most famous boat ever — that brought him to Phallus Haven. I don’t know if this is a totally random and contrived question, or if it’s a logical conclusion on the part of the Dicku Tree since Sean is responsible for bringing lots of young boys to the Phallus Haven or something. And, if you don’t mind, I’d rather not think about that any further.
The Dicku Tree figures out that Twink is after his precious jewelry, and therefore this means that Ganon is active in the world again. This, according to the Dicku Tree, is bad. Suddenly, he calls out, “Koroks! Little children of the woods! This traveler is not your enemy. Let your hearts be at ease, and show yourselves!” A group of little creatures peer up over the ridges of the Dicku Tree, making sounds like those little forest creatures from Princess Mononoke. I’m not going to bother to look up the names of those things, because it will piss off extreme AH-NEE-MAY fanboys and maybe they’ll send me funny correction e-mails. Apparently, that’s just the sound that little forest creatures make. We see them close-up, and they’re basically little pieces of wood with a leaf-with-a-face plastered on front. Despite their weirdness, they’re actually pretty cute. And despite the fact that they’re all a little bit different from each other, I still wouldn’t be able to tell them apart with a gun to my head. That’s where the strategy guide comes in.
‘I have crabs.’
According to the strategy guide, each of the Koroks has a name similar to some sort of tree. Also, they’re all male. And since the Dicku Tree referred to them as “children,” I’m starting to think that perhaps the Dicku Tree is the Michael Jackson of the Phallus Haven. I would say Seymour, but it’s obvious that Seymour likes little girls as well as little boys, so that wouldn’t really fit here.
The eight Koroks leap into the air and float to the ground using little spinny leaf umbrellas. I am stunned at this display of masculinity. As the Koroks land in a circle around Twink, the Dicku Tree explains that the Koroks once took on human forms until the sea covered everything. So are these the remnants of the Kokiri from Ocarina of Time then? Does that mean there’s going to be some rock humping at some point in the near future? “Now they fear people…but to me, they will ever be my cherished little children,” the Dicku Tree creeps. Coincidentally and conveniently, Twink has arrived just in time for the annual ceremony. In light of recent revelations, I think that Twink should run for the hills. The Dicku Tree says that he’ll give Twink the pearl after this special ceremony. “I must apologize for the brief delay, but if the ceremony is not completed soon I could get blue balls, an ill fate could befall us,” the Dicku Tree finishes lamely. So all Twink has to do is wait until the end of the ceremony and he gets the pearl? Wait, that seems way too easy. There’s gotta be a catch.
Loading ...Sure enough, just as the Dicku Tree asks if the Koroks are “ready,” a ninth Korok flies in, freaked out about something that has happened to someone named “Makar.” So basically the Dicku Tree didn’t even bother to notice that all his little bitches Koroks weren’t there. “What is the matter, Linder? You and Makar are always late…” the Dicku Tree complains. “Is the Dicku Tree gonna have to choke a bitch?” But this time the delay is caused by more than a little hanky-panky between Koroks — Makar has fallen into the Forbidden Woods. Alarmed, the Dicku Tree repeats this in 20 pt font, so that we can understand that something called the Forbidden Woods is bad. He asks, “Twink, you have heard all this?” Since Twink doesn’t have his fingers in his ears and his head up his ass, that’s a safe assumption, Einstein.
The Forbidden Woods is one of the trio of penis islands, but instead of a peaceful penis, it is a wang gone wrong. And, as you may have already guessed, Makar is one of the Koroks. Of course the Dicku Tree assumes that since Sean Connery brought Twink to the island, Sean thinks that Twink is all that and a bag of chips. This, apparently, makes him the prime candidate to go into the forest dungeon and rescue Makar. Shit!
Unfortunately, as Linder points out, Twink can’t fly, a necessary requirement to even reach the Forbidden Penis. Luckily, the Dicku Tree just happens to have an item that will allow Twink to overcome this handicap. The camera does a disturbing close-up on the Dicku Tree’s face as he strains and groans like he’s trying to take a huge shit. With a final roar and a blowjob face from the Dicku Tree, a small leaf appears atop one of the Dicku Tree’s leaf platforms. Now Twink must find a way up into the branches to retrieve this Dicku Tree Shit, as apparently none of the Koroks are able to go up there and get it for him. Jerks.
Maybe you shouldn’t have named them the ‘Forbidden Woods’ then, genius.
Twink, not deeming this whole situation as anything urgent, randomly decides to capture a rather large firefly to add to his collection of pretty things. Then, for no reason whatsoever, he decides to go back to NPC Island and show it off to his new friend Lenzo. This brilliant course of action is rewarded by a Big Octo ambush in the middle of the ocean. Basically, Big Octos are — wait for it — big octopi that lurk in various parts of the ocean. When Twink stumbles upon one of them, he gets caught in a whirlpool and has a limited time to defeat it before it catches him and spits him into some other section of the ocean. Unfortunately for Twink, when he doesn’t have the correct weapon — say, now — he is stuck waiting and waiting until the Big Octo chews him up and spits him out. This is just a wee bit tedious, and poor Makar must wait that much longer for his Knight in Shining Gayness.
‘Are you calling me fat, bitch?’
Happily for Twink, the Octo shoots him into a spot right next to the flaming mountain island. From there, Twink sails to NPC Island, where his main man Lenzo randomly asks him about color pictographs. Lenzo tries to get all scientific and shit about needing greater light to accomplish this. He even explains, in detail, how Twink should go to the Phallus Haven and use an empty bottle to catch something that will produce this light. What a coincidence that Twink has already done this! He happily hands his firefly over to Lenzo, with perhaps a teeny bit of regret for losing the fabulous glowing creature — but at least he’ll be able to take full color pictures of Tingle! Lenzo makes a sound disturbingly like he’s orgasming, and with an exclamation of “Oh, glory!” he informs Twink, “For your efforts, I shall place this one inside your box!” I can’t make this shit up, people. The screen goes black and a shimmery sound effect lets us know that Lenzo is magically transforming Twink’s box into something full of fairies and rainbows. Sure enough, Twink’s shitty picto box can now shoot in color. Rapture!
Back to Phallus Haven, where Twink must find a way to acquire the Dicku Tree Shit from the leaf platform. One of the Koroks — Oakin, I think — tells him exactly how to do this. He stands next to a flower bud, eerily similar to the ones which produce the evil plant monsters from before, and explains that these magical Baba Buds shoot Twink into the air. Or, more accurately, they shoot him into the air for a few seconds, after which he returns to the bud (as long as no other directional buttons are pressed) — lather, rinse, repeat. In this case, there are a series of increasingly tall (aka penisy) Baba Buds which allow Twink to make his way — along with the help of another freaking grappling hook branch — up to the Dicku Tree Shit.
Armed with the Dicku Tree Shit, Twink can now float until his newly-acquired magic power runs out, or he can blow enemies with it. From a ledge far below Twink, Rown the Korok tells him that the Forbidden Penis can be reached just through the door on the ledge. The door which has a giant arrow made of grass pointing at it. I think I get the picture, as I am not brain dead. But Twink isn’t done fucking around yet, so Rown just has to wait.
It takes Twink a couple of irritating tries to get to another ledge that leads outdoors. He uses the Dicku Tree Shit to fly to a nearby island with a large metal cover over the center of it. Or he tries, anyway. You see, Twink is abysmally stupid and sometimes forgets to change the direction of the wind before he attempts to fly to these places. On his second try, he makes it to the island. Somehow, despite the fact that the only ladder to the island is raised up, making climbing to the island impossible, some guy is already there. He fanboys all over Twink for his amazing flying capabilities, then wonders if Twink can hit a switch on the main island. This is where the Orgasm Pears finally come into play. Using one to control a seagull, Twink eventually manages to activate the switch, thus opening the metal cover on the island and dropping the ladder for easier access. Fanboy jumps into the hole with his giant gay handbag, leaving Twink to follow. According to the nearby sign, this is the Nintendo Gallery. It’s so cute when they put the company name directly into the game itself.
Being extremely gay?
The Nintendo Gallery, as explained by the extremely gay guy with a tiny mustache, lavender shirt, and overalls who stands behind the counter, is a place to display sculptures. Said gay guy is Carlov the [Creatively Named] Sculptor, and for every good (color) pictograph that Twink takes of a friend or enemy, he’ll create a masterpiece. So it’s like a mix of Pokémon Snap and Pokémon, which is probably why they named it the Nintendo Gallery instead of just the Legend of Zelda: Wind Wanker Gallery. Of course, it takes time to make a sculpture, so Twink must use the song which changes night to day and vice versa (and also apparently speeds up time or something), which he can get from Liberace on NPC Island….shit. Guess what I that dummy Twink forgot to do?