In the last installment of The Gayest Game Ever Except Maybe For FFVIII And Suikoden Oh Who The Hell Am I Kidding, Sam took us to the vibrating shaft of Dragon Phallus Island, where Twink earned his latest shiny accessory, Din’s Pearl. But since Twink has made it his life’s goal to collect all the fabulous jewelry in the land, his journey is not yet over. Oh, and of course there’s the whole thing with saving his sister and defeating Ganon.
His business with the Phallus finished for now, Twink heads back to Sean Connery to get his next task. Unfortunately, my tape decided to be a total asstard and slapped a nice line right across the dialogue in the first few seconds so that I can’t tell what half of it says. As far as I can tell, Sean is convinced that Ganon is behind the monster infestation and the Valoo tail molestation, so it’s imperative that Twink collect the next pearl from…something I can’t read. I’m starting to think this “defeating evil” stuff is just a cover story, and that Sean Connery has a secret jewelry habit as well.
Twink swims around Sean for a while, trying desperately to climb atop him, until Sean reminds him that the wind is blowing the wrong way. Oh. Right. “It would be a fatal mistake to set sail under an unstable breeze,” Sean warns dramatically, as apparently “not moving” translates into “dying a horrible agonizing death.” Even though Twink has already visited the wind god’s shrine, Sean tells him to do so again, as the game designers did not bother to change the dialogue after this event already took place.
Twink, embarrassed at his forgetfulness, climbs out of the water and waves his wand around until sparklies shoot out the end. As he conducts the song he learned from the frog on the cloud, he is able to change the direction of the wind to blow south. This marks the first of about twenty billion times that Twink will perform this particular act, so it’s a good thing that he likes it so much.
Once finished, Twink climbs aboard Sean for the ride of his life. Before they get too far along, however, a squeaky old man voice calls out, “‘Hoy! Hold it right there, small fry!” Twink doesn’t get a chance to answer this insult to his masculinity before the owner of the voice shoots up out of the water. It’s a talking fish, most likely taken verbatim from one of the hallucinations experienced by the design team. This fish with the old man’s voice is totally checking out Twink’s Sea Chart. Although the fish is ten feet away, and was underwater until Twink happened upon him, he can see every detail of the chart.
The talking fish verbally rips into Twink’s chart. “It’s pathetic! In fact, it’s almost an insult to call that thing a Sea Chart, if you ask me!” Twink covers up his Sea Chart in a last ditch attempt to save what’s left of his dignity. The fish continues to be a total dick, even going so far as to tell Twink he should be in diapers. Wait, let’s stop right there. Don’t want to know.
Since DickFish is apparently the master of all things Sea Chart, he offers to alter Twink’s chart into a more pleasing form. Disappearing underwater for a moment, DickFish emerges with — of all things — a God damn paintbrush between his teeth. Jumping toward Twink with this phallic object at the ready, he makes his mark on Twink’s now-outstretched Sea Chart. In gameplay terms, this means that the overworld map opens up, and the current location square is now filled in. Satisfied, DickFish returns to the water, where he tells Twink all about a mysterious cavern on the “backside” of Dragon Phallus and gives him a totally unsubtle clue for reaching it. This has nothing whatsoever to do with anything at the moment, so we’ll just move on.
DickFish tells Twink to watch out for all the other DickFishes in the ocean, each of whom corresponds to a particular grid on the map. Twink is supposed to lure them with bait and then let them alter his personal chart in the same way as DickFish. Twink, not so happy about the prospect of being molested by numerous fish, even if they are dicks, skips half the DickFishes on the way to his next destination. And it has nothing to do with any laziness on my part.
But before Twink even takes his leave of DickFish V1.0, DF says something strange to Sean. “That’s it! I’ve repaid my debt! I’m done! You take care of the rest!” This leads me to believe that perhaps the dirty fish action was all some strange and disturbing plot on the part of Sean Connery. I’ve decided I don’t really want to know the answer to that, and I hope you don’t either.
Large sail at the ready, Sean Connery and Twink continue south. They pass various landmarks such as a tall cylindrical mountain spewing loads of flaming lava out the tip. Twink makes a note to come back to this mountain later. He stops at another of the random platforms, where he jealously dispatches of a fabulous pink bokoblin. There was really no major treasure up there, but that bitch was out-fruiting Twink, and he just can’t have that.
Further south, Twink happens upon his most favoritest thing ever — a boat full of men in speedos. After scoping them out a bit, Twink notices that they’re all wearing diving helmets. But Twink likes guys who like to dive deep, so it’s all good. “Ya!!!” one of the guys yells, causing me to wonder if Wakka found his way to the flooded Hyrule. But then I realize that Wakka would be hanging out at the Chu Jelly Shop on NPC Island and not spending his time out in a boat in B.F.E. Not!Wakka seductively says, “Mighty fine boat you got there, bub. You must be searching for treasure on the sea floor, too. Aren’t you?” At this compliment to his “boat,” Twink’s self-esteem starts to rise, and he answers that of course he likes “searching for treasure.” His hopes are dashed a moment later as Not!Wakka laughs derisively and sneers, “You won’t get any from us, bub! Not likely!” Wait just a minute here. There’s no question that these guys are totally gay, but they just rejected Twink! Now, I’m not exactly the right recapper to judge underage boys, but I’d have to say that Twink is better than any of the other weirdass dudes I’ve seen around the islands. So what gives?
Not!Wakka goes into an odd spiel about how you don’t see many people out on the open sea, especially not someone “tiny” like Twink. Before Twink can run off crying over this latest burn, though, Not!Wakka does a complete 180: “I like your style, bub! I feel like I’ve known you my whole life!” So he’s got a tiny wang and you don’t want to share your goodies with him, but he’s your freaking soulmate? Whatever, Not!Wakka.
The prelude to Nintendo’s first gangrape scene.
As a token of this newly discovered love, N!W slides his Treasure Chart into Twink’s hot little hands. They all give into Twink’s charms in the end. Literally. After a tedious explanation of the mechanics of “treasure hunting” from both the Random Tutorial God and Not!Wakka, the latter sends Twink on his way, complete with a chipmunk chorus of goodbyes from Not!Wakka’s speedo-clad boyfriends. It appears that Not!Wakka is more intent on treasure-hunting with them than on sampling the underage delights of our young hero. Frustrated, Twink grips the chart firmly in his hands and prepares to ride Sean until they arrive at their destination.
Along the way, Twink encounters an abandoned submarine. Once he clears it of baddies, he realizes that it might just make a nice secluded love nest, at least until he acquires a place of his own (SPOILER!). Oh, and he also finds an empty bottle which he can use to store some fine chardonnay for the date.
Soon Twink reaches his destination, a trio of — what else? — phallic islands. Because if there’s anything better than one penis, it’s three penises. According to Sean, the expert on all things penisy, this is the Forest Haven, or as it will henceforth be known, the Phallus Haven. Accompanied by a soft porno beat, the camera pans around the closest of the three islands. Appropriately, the Phallus Haven is made of wood — it’s a giant hollow tree. Sean also mentions that this is a sacred place, as it is the home of the Great Deku Tree a.k.a. the Great Dicku Tree. The Dicku Tree owns one of the family sacred jewels, Farore’s Pearl, which Twink needs to seduce away from him. All this talk of wangs and jewelry has made Twink giddy, and he disembarks before Sean even finishes his exposition. “I fear that Ganon’s vile hand may have already reached this most sacred of sanctuaries,” Sean says of the Phallus Haven. I really have nothing to add to that.
Yes, a penis.
When Sean finishes, Twink notices the large red postbox behind him throbbing rhythmically. Not quite sure why there’s a postbox there, but maybe the erotic pulsating is trying to distract me from wondering about nonsensical plot shit. Because, dude. PENIS. Anyway, as soon as Twink approaches the postbox, it shoots something white out into his hands. It’s a letter from Baito’s mom in response to Baito’s letter that Twink sent after all that sorting shit from the last recap. In it, Ma Baito basically thanks Twink for being so nice to her weirdass son — I get the feeling that she believes her son to be a tad…special — and rewards him with a big red Piece of Ass Heart. Hell, I’m just going to call it the Piece of Ass. There’s really no other option.
After relieving the postbox of its load, Twink looks to his left to see a familiar sight. It’s Big Gay Beedle’s Big Gay Shop Ship! Of course Twink has to drop in to “say hello.” Unfortunately, Big Gay Beedle still has not improved his inventory. Twink is full-up on orgasm pears and bait at the moment, so he heads back toward the sacred wood.
Does Twink’s body count?
But first he has to get inside the big penis tree. The entire island, in order to drive it home that this is the FOREST AREA, is made up of various-sized tree stumps, complete with random branches sticking out and vines growing up the side of said stumps. Also, we can’t have non-plant-based enemies or we might get confused and think this is the ice island or something. So we get giant man-eating flowers that pop out of innocent-looking flower buds on the ground. They leave behind wooden sticks and seeds (which can be used later to make potions) because they’re plants. Twink works his way up to the top level, only to find a stream and waterfall. The game designers took a huge chance here, throwing water in like that, because we might mistake this for the water area.
The great thing about Zelda games is that anytime Twink adds a new item to his inventory, you can pretty much guarantee that said item becomes necessary to get from point A to point B everywhere else in the game. Now that Twink has possession of the grappling hook, a veritable assload of hookable bars and branches will appear wherever he goes. And this area is no exception. Twink has to hop and swing from tree stump to tree stump in the stream, deflecting rocks spewed at him by the irritating Octos. If he falls in the water, the current washes him back to the beginning of the area. Then, he gets to do this all over again, which is the most fun thing ever.