Legend of Zelda: Wind Waker
Part 1
"Did you hear the news? He’s gay!"
In the first hour of Wind Wanker we meet most of the major players: the gay hero, his Mary Sue sister, and another, bitchier Mary Sue who may or may not want to get into the gay hero’s pants. Our hero’s quest is set when his Mary Sue sister is kidnapped. Also, everyone is gay. Everyone.
Part 2
"Action! Adventure! ….Yeah right."
Annoying swordless dungeon. Lots and lots of random NPCs. Pointless fetch quests. Jeanne bitching. You know you love reading about these things, and you’re in luck! The recap is all about them. We also meet some characters who are — get this — even gayer than anyone we’ve met thus far. Will wonders never cease?
Part 3
"It also represents a penis."
Twink gets the hell away from NPC Island as fast as Sean Connery’s large, rippling sail can carry him. He soon comes upon Dragon Roost Island, home of the Great Sea’s post office and also home to a lot of penis-shaped things, including the island itself. Wait. The postal service and dicks go hand-in-hand? Color me shocked.
Part 4
"Penises, vaginas, and buuuuuutseeeeeex."
Twink leaves one phallic island for another, this one made of wood. To retrieve his next accessory, he must traverse a scary dungeon full of vaginas and fangirls. Will Twink make it out with his gayness intact? Read and find out!
Part 5
"Twink gets wet."
Apart from the usual “more penises than you can shake a penis at,” Twink and Sean Connery find much more on their marathon sailing session. If you’re in the mood for torrential rain, giant fish deities, pedophilic innuendo, liberal abuse from the Redundant Exposition Mallet, and more Tingle than any one game should ever contain, well then, do I have a recap for you!
Part 6
"The boringest penis ever."
After a few unnecessary errands, Twink ventures forth into the mother of all penises. Or maybe that would be father of all penises. It’s a big penis, okay? Conquering the wang proves himself to someone, allowing him into ancient, underwater Hyrule Castle, where he must prove himself some more. He is rewarded with the Master Sword, of all things. In a Zelda game? What are the odds?
Part 7
"Frolicking Fruitily in the Forsaken Fucking Fortress."
Part seven is what you’d call a mixed bag for Twink–he has to deal with at least two, and possibly three, Mary Sues, a psychotic bird, and a fat guy with bad skin and a bent for world domination. On the other hand, he comes across something so fabulous that it erases all that horrible, wrinkle-causing negativity. What is it? Read on to find out! (Hint: I’m not talking about Princess Zelda.)
Part 8
"Asses to Asses, Lust to Lust"
Twink, after clearing up some “interesting” and “fun” sidequests, charges right into the death and light themed Earth Temple to restore the homosexual fabulousness to the Masturbator Sword. Unfortunately for him, he first has to hunt down a replacement sage (the last one was brutally murdered by Ganondorf in a shocking twist). I won’t ruin the sage’s “surprising” identity for you. Then, to mix things up a bit, Twink and this mysterious new Earth Sage person must navigate the dungeon together. Twink would enjoy this a lot more if his dungeon partner were a hot young man instead of a chick. Shit, I just spoiled it.
Part 9
"Blowin’ in the Wind Temple"
Second verse, just about the same as the first: Twink spends a good chunk of his formative years collecting useless sparklies and Pieces of Ass before getting to anything resembling the main plot of the game. Makar, in a curveball of a plot revelation, is awakened as the Sage of the Wind Temple and “helps” Twink navigate the dungeon, mostly by getting turnip-napped and cutting himself on dangerous mechanical devices.
Part 10
"Dicknuts."
Dicknuts, Dicknuts everywhere. Dicknuts, Dicknuts in Twink’s hair. Dicknuts, Dicknuts up Twink’s butt. Dicknuts, Dicknuts, Twink’s a slut. Dicknuts, Dicknuts in Twink’s pants. Dicknuts, Dicknuts, watch them prance. Dicknuts, Dicknuts, what the fuck. Dicknuts, Dicknuts, game designers suck. Dicknuts, Dicknuts, in my brain. Dicknuts, Dicknuts, I’m insane.
Part 11
"A recap of nothing."
You thought Jeanne looking for the Triforce of Courage was ridiculous filler? I will show you filler, folks. Pieces of Ass. Treasure charts. Jizzrobes upon Jizzrobes upon Jizzrobes. An exasperated hero who just wants to lock himself in his cabana and read some porn. And a masochistic recapper who, after playing through all this, would rather like to do the same, now that you mention it.
Part 12
"An assload of boss fights."
Yeah, pretty much what the title says. Apart from solving a lame, reused set of dungeon puzzles and surviving a couple toxic bouts of exposition, pretty much all Twink does is fight boss battles. One of these boss battles is the final boss battle. Against the Tingle quads. Just kidding, obviously it’s against Ganondorf. So now that he’s out of the way, neither Twink nor any of his incarnations will ever have to deal with him again. What a relief. Just wait till you see Twink’s awesome reward for saving the world.