Outside, the camera pans around the ruins of half a ship that are strategically wedged atop the highest point of the fortress. The ominous music warns us that evil is afoot. Sure enough, the Helmaroc Queen flies close to the ship and we see a rotund figure. Since we are still at the “Gee, Who Could the Real Bad Guy Be?” phase of the game, we’re not allowed to see the guy’s face. But we do see a sliver of red beard and greenish brown skin. This is the part where we all act surprised because it’s Ganondorf. “What?!” you exclaim in astonishment, because how could anyone guess that the bad guy is the same bad guy from almost all the Zelda games? This is….this is a historic moment, people.
Ganondorf — excuse me — “Mysterious Figure” jerks his head to the side, and the Helmaroc Queen flings Twink into the air. You’d think since Twink is such a fairy that he could just fly, but alas. Twink and his girly screams fade off into the distance. The camera cuts to a shot of Twink, floating unconscious in the water. We see the very front of a Deus Ex Machina boat approach him before the camera fades out again.
Against the black screen of passed time, we hear what sounds like a crotchety old man grunting. The text, however, indicates that the voice is telling Twink to wake the hell up. Twink opens his eyes to a beautiful blue sky, and before he can break into song, he realizes that he’s on his back in a red one-person boat. Well, gosh, who could be talking to him, then? As he looks around in confusion, the boat’s head turns around to look at him. Yup, Twink was rescued by a talking red dragon boat. The illicit substances are obviously circulating around Nintendo as well. Triumphant music informs us that the boat is supposed to be a good guy and not a creepy hallucination. Mr. Boat tells Twink he is a dumbass, and then laughs at Twink when he falls backward on his ass. He — if the boat can be referred to as that — sounds exactly like Sean Connery from the SNL Celebrity Jeopardy skits. I believe Sam was the first person to comment on the similarity. But the boat version of Mr. Connery doesn’t scream “BUCKFUTTER!” or “I’ll take ‘the rapists’ for 100” just yet. Instead, he launches into a stream of exposition.
First off, he explains that his name is the King of Red Lions. Obviously, I will not be calling him that. Sean Connery goes on to say that he’s been stalking Twink ever since the Forsaken Fortress, and that Twink is a moron for trying to sneak in to save his sister. “I suppose you saw him… The shadow that commands that monstrous bird…His name is…[long pause] Ganon…”
Now hold on a second.
Maybe I’m totally mistaken, but I always thought the human form — you know, the thief — was named Ganondorf, and he only dropped the lame-sounding “dorf” when he became the giant pig monster. And as far as I can tell, he’s not a giant pig monster at this point. So what the hell? Sean Connery even explains that Ganon is the same guy from way back in Ocarina of Time (when he was Ganondorf, then morphed into Ganon, then apparently morphed back). But whatever. Apparently, Ganondorf was sealed up by the “power of the gods” aka the triforce (I thought Hyrule had goddesses), ate a lot of babies, gained a bunch of weight, grew a beard, and then was somehow unsealed. Because SC has made it clear that he thinks Twink is lacking in brain cells, he repeatedly explains in different ways that not only is it the same Ganon, but he’s still really evil, too. Also, he’s evil. In case we didn’t quite get this, the entire explanation is set against a backdrop of Ganon surrounded by flames. “I do not know why the seal of the gods has failed, but now that Ganon has returned, the world is once again being threatened by his evil magic,” SC finishes.
Holy shit, Ganon is evil?!
Loading ...SC asks if Twink would do anything to save his sister from the evil Ganon. For a moment, I don’t like where this is going. SC wants to be Twink’s “guide.” He then explains that Ganon can’t be defeated by regular means, and certainly not by a tiny-sworded pansy like Twink. Nope, Twink needs to find the Master Sword great power that has been sealed away that he can only get after going through dungeons and collecting items “much toil and hardship.” When Twink agrees to this mission, SC is all gung-ho to go out and kick some Gerudo ass…until he remembers that he doesn’t have a sail. He’s all embarrassed about it, like having a sail is the boat equivalent of having a giant wang. The game designers sneakily gloss over the fact that SC brought Twink to the current island without a sail in the first place, but nobody is fooled. Still, Twink needs to explore the island and find a sail for his new buddy.
Yes, a ‘sail’ is essential to Twink.
Mr. Connery exposits all over the place about Windfall Island, their current location. After telling Twink that the place is chock full of merchants, he adds that Twink can buy whatever he wants, like Twink needs his damn permission.
A jaunty remix of the Kakariko Village music starts up as I gain control of Twink. At this time, I feel I should warn you that the island contains a virtual assload of people. There’s no way in hell I can keep track of all of them without the strategy guide. I will be introducing you to pretty much all of them, because the one time I don’t is the one time that person will have a part to play in a later recap and then we’re all fucked. So better safe than sorry.
I start the tour by going the wrong way and falling into the water. Shit. Heading the other way triggers a short montage of the townsfolk we will meet in a moment. Twink walks across the grassy beach to a field of flowers where he discovers two girls. Over and over, they insist that they don’t spread rumors, not even for 2 rupees. See, it’s all funny and shit because they do spread rumors for money. When Twink hands over the rupees, he is presented with completely obvious information. I guess you get what you pay for.
Twink ignores the little piggies on the island, despite being tempted to molest them with his sword. However, a big burly guy in a lowcut shirt tells Twink about his newfound pig obsession. Twink backs away slowly, torn between lust and fear.
Next, Twink heads into the bomb shop which is located on an overlook. The bomb shop owner has a child molester mustache and lopsided Mickey Mouse hair. He also has quite the ego problem. He’s so convinced that his bombs are better than Jesus that he refuses to sell them for anything resembling a reasonable price. And he’s not content with letting the prices speak for themselves, either. Nope, he has to describe in detail just how much of a lowly pissant Twink is and how his bombs are — if you’ll excuse me — da bomb. What a fucking prick. Twink does NOT give this man any of his sugar.
Near the town entrance, a man in a gay top hat accosts Twink. He’s quite the whiner, with the “voice acting” to prove it. He’s all broken up because his daughter Maggie was kidnapped by “villains” and taken to the Forsaken Fortress. I’m not going to try to figure out how her dad knows this. What, did the Moblins and Bokoblins leave him a business card? Then the guy reveals his true reasons for worrying about his daughter — he’s not making any money off of her absence. Twink stands there and listens to the heartless bastard beg for his help. I’m playing the world’s smallest violin right now.
Twink checks the docks, where a couple of big, strong sailors hang out. He asks one of them, Candy (dear lord), if he has a sail to spare. Candy takes offense at this, and tells Twink to look elsewhere. He’s not about to give up his precious sail to some 12-year-old kid. Twink doesn’t even ask the other sailor for a sail — he’s too busy checking out the guy’s lime green skintight shirt and pageboy haircut. Keep your attention on the task at hand, Twink.
Twink bypasses the town entrance and walks up a side path where he meets a young man named Anton. Anton is absolutely obsessed with walking, and by gum, he knows all the best walking courses in town! Dude, I could spend ten minutes in the town and know all the best walking courses. Maybe that’s why Anton seems a little defensive about the size of the town. Or maybe he just has a small penis. Sensing this, Twink does a 180 and heads into town.
The first person he meets on the streets is a middle-aged woman with what looks like a mustache. According to her, she won the “Miss Windfall” title umpteen years ago, and this must be the only thing of importance that she’s ever done because it’s all she can talk about. She still thinks she’s quite hot, and I think she tries to hit on Twink. Lady, you are definitely barking up the wrong tree.
Now we know where the game designers like to hang out.
Twink briefly visits the Chu Jelly Shop where the proprietor offers to make potions if Twink brings him ingredients. Twink takes in the guy’s baked stare, the sitar music in the background, and the liquid bubbling in various glass implements, and quickly hightails it out of there. Drugs are bad, m’kay?
A short distance away, Twink is tempted by a fancy doorway, and inside the house he finds all sorts of fabulous vases for the smashing. After he gives into temptation with one vase, a large shrill gay man shrieks at him. He threatens that Twink will have to compensate him for breaking his lovely vases. Twink considers this offer, but realizes he’s more into the studly sailor types than puffy queens like this dude. Byeeee!
Twink heads outside and speaks to a mopey loser sitting on the steps. Loserboy, whose actual name is Kamo, rudely tells Twink that he has no sail to give. Alas, Loserboy is one of those scintillating people who simply must bring up the fact that his life sucks in every single conversation. Twink has no interest in someone who is not ready to get off the pity pot, so once again, it’s time to look elsewhere.
Oh, he will.
Nearby, two middle-aged gossip queens (because all non-hot females are stuck up and/or gossipy) rip apart the local schoolteacher behind her back, then bitch out Twink when he eavesdrops on their conversation. Twink, chastised, heads over to a local outdoor booth where a random Eskimo awaits. Eskimo Guy, aka Zunari, exposits like mad about his perilous journey to the island, where his ship was destroyed and only that survived. He keeps going on and on about that and then offers to sell it to Twink for 80 rupees. As a recapper, I can only conclude that he’s referring to his penis. Zunari gushes over the fact that 80 rupees will help him finance his outdoor shop (which may or may not be important later), and then in a fit of excitement, tells Twink to “Take that!” To Twink’s great dismay, “that” turns out to be a sail. And he was this close, too! Oh well, perhaps it’s best to stick to the quest at hand.
Speaking of not sticking to the quest, Twink decides to look around the town some more. In a local café, he meets a guy who seems to know about the two girls who have disappeared from the town. The guy is a total wuss about the whole thing, and pretty much jumps at every little sound. Twink breaks the pitcher and cups on the table just to mess with Chickenwuss’s head. Although I shouldn’t give him too bad of a time — I’m a pretty huge chickenshit myself. I didn’t sleep for three days after watching The Ring. Yeah, go ahead and laugh.
Twink speaks to a philosophical hippie on a bench and a gay muscleman in a skintight red jumpsuit, both of whom have little of import to say. Then he heads into the pictograph shop. Pictographs are, of course, the fantasy version of photographs. And when I say “fantasy version” I’m not referring to boudoir photography. Pictographs are taken by magical little devices called Picto Boxes. Lenzo, the pictograph guy, is a sad and bitter man (rather like a recapper) because one of his numerous Picto Boxes was stolen a while back. This will become important in a bit, so sit tight.
Outside the local schoolhouse, Twink runs into a group of annoying boys who call themselves the Killer Bees. They’re the typical “street smart gang of urchins” who seem to pop up in video games from time to time. Luckily for Twink, they read his mind and all but tell him where the missing stolen Picto Box is! I guess they put that dialogue in for people who don’t use the strategy guide. Losers. Anyway, the Picto Box is in a jail cell on the island, and that sets Twink’s little heart a-pitterpatterin’.