Inside the cave Twink discovers the fabulous, glowing resting place of a Bizarro Great Fairy. And just for showing up and doing nothing whatsoever to help her, as he did with the other BGF, this chick bestows upon him a…bigger wallet? Isn’t that something you buy at Macy’s, not a magical gift from a Lotus Blossom Goddess? Just wondering. Oh, also, once the Bizarro Great Fairy vanishes, she leaves a gaggle of little fairies in her place, so those of you who did fuck up with healing Granny, here’s a new supply of slave girls magic medicine.

Following this encounter, when Twink returns to the main level of the island, the red mailbox is wriggling away again, the slut. This time the postbox ejaculates a second advertisement. The flyer promises empty bottles, Pieces of Ass and treasure charts all at rock-bottom prices, if Twink would like to purchase them from a shop at Rock Spire Island. “First come, first serve! I can’t wait to serve you!” the notice bleats. It’s signed by the assistant manager of the “Rock Spire Shop Ship.” So is this another branch of Big Gay Beedle’s Big Gay Boat Ride? Or is it a whole new gay entrepreneur? We’ll just have to see later.

Finally, Twink goes to the Pig Molester Family’s pig pen, to see how the little porkers are doing. In a disturbing turn of events, there are no longer three pigs, but one humongous one. Twink tries to lift it over his head, but it’s just too much meat for even our boy to handle. This is a first, readers.

I sure as hell don’t feel like talking to all the annoying people on this island, so let’s just get down to business, shall we? Climbing back inside Sean, Twink sails behind the island, until he and SC are caught in a whirlpool in front of a large stone slab set into the back of the cliffs. Sean automatically whips out his brand-new phallic cannon. Hmm. I wonder what I’m supposed to do.

The slab is “cut” into fragments, and by aiming at and hitting each part of the slab, Twink eventually destroys the entire thing, and he and Sean float into the cave, to meet Jabun. I don’t even care about getting the pearl anymore. I’m just glad I don’t have to hear any more exposition about the stupid fucker and his stupid cave.

Don’t be shocked or anything, but Jabun, like Jabu-Jabu of Ocarina of Time, is a big fucking fish thing. Actually, he is Jabu-Jabu. Way to go, writers. He actually looks more like a combination of a whale and an angler, aka “The Fish of Sam’s Deepest Nightmares.” Of course, he also looks like an aquatic Jabba the Hutt, and the Hutt case is helped when he starts speaking to Sean in that weird runic language Twink doesn’t know. So Jabba it is.

Jabba and Sean banter back and forth, and since Jabba doesn’t ever switch to normal, readable language, we only really know Sean’s end of the conversation, though I assume Jabba’s talking about bounty hunters and Harrison Ford in carbonite. When Jabba asks about the cute blond sitting on Sean’s deck, Sean says, “The one I have brought with me has no connection to the legendary [Jedi of old]. And yet I sense great promise in the courage that this one possesses.” Just in case you have no prior knowledge whatsoever of the Zelda series, I’ll tell you that this is our brick to the temple hint that Twink here is going to be the wielder of the Triforce of Courage. This is supposed to be a meaningful revelation, that is, unless you’ve ever played a game in this series before for more than five minutes.

Jabba’s all, “Ganta Solo chone Wookiee,” and Sean says something else cryptic, and then Jabba decides to shake his little angler head lantern around until something falls out of it. (I can’t make that make sense with the Hutt metaphors. Sorry.) Out of the lantern flies Nayru’s Pearl, the biggest blue ball Twink’s ever seen. This is going to be the sexiest jewelry business on the Great Sea. Jabba says something in Huttese to the retreating backsides of Twink and Sean, causing SC to pause. He relates what Jabba said: that the darkness and constant rain were, in fact, a product of a curse by Ganon. NO! But thanks to Nayru’s Blue Ball, the curse should now be lifted. Good, because all that rain? It was totally ruining Twink’s delicate skin moisture balances. And the poor dear hasn’t been properly dry in three days.

Sean congratulates Twink on collecting all three fabulous pearls, and explains that they each have a certain niche on the sea where Twink must place them, all of which Sean has marked on the chart. That means, you guessed it, more fucking sailing. Jesus, it’s a wonder Twink doesn’t have scurvy by now. Not to mention all manner of other, uh, afflictions. Anyway, Sean encourages Twink to tie up any of his emotional loose ends on Outset now, so he doesn’t have any “regrets” after they’re on the way to defeating Ganon. He says this like we won’t be coming back here seventy more times by the end of the game, at the very least to get more Elixir Soup. Dumbass.

Twink and I are ecstatic to be rid of this rain, so the sailing doesn’t even seem that bad. On the trip north, Twink is so jubilant that he even checks out some of the treasure charts he’s been getting from everybody. And mixed in among them, he finds a curious artifact…Tingle’s Chart. This happy piece of parchment honks a horn when you open it up–I’m serious–and shows the location of Tingle’s home, Tingle Island. Hey, why not? It might be Fairy Paradise or something.

The sun rises on the Great Sea just as Twink reaches Tingle Island. It is…how to put this? Well…let’s just say I finally discovered what’s really in CHAOS!!!’s pants.

I really have no words for this bizarre Penis of Penises, so you’d better just check out the caption and cry and scream for yourselves. What I will tell you is that in Four Swords Adventures, the fun “cooperative” Twink-on-Twink-on-Twink-on-Twink game for the Gamecube, there is a Tingle Tower like this one in every level of the game. To put this in some kind of perspective: U.S. citizens, imagine our own Washington Monument. Phallic, pointy, but harmless. Now imagine that instead of one of them, there were eight of them dispersed throughout America. Now imagine that each one of them was painted with a lifelike mural of Donald Rumsfeld taking it in the ass from Dick Cheney. Welcome to the frightmare that is eight Tingle Towers.

As much as I’d rather orally pleasure Shion than enter this vile place, Twink is more than a little curious about it, and as I’ll be forced to come here as part of the story later anyway, I might as well get the pain over with. First I make Twink feed the DickFish swimming nearby, who plots Tingle Island on his chart. For the record, the island itself is shaped like Tingle’s head. Just thought I’d provide a little more nightmare fodder. DickFish goes on to talk shit to Twink about Tingle, who he says is immature and “still dresses like a kid.” Yeah, I can’t say I know any kids who dress like that. If I did, I would probably report their parents to the authorities. But, DickFish adds, Tingle can “decipher charts like nobody’s business.” He does, however, charge some kind of phenomenal fee for this deciphering service. For the moment, I find myself really not wanting to know.

On the island proper, Twink finds nothing except for a new foe: an electric blue Chu. Upon slaying it with his manly little sword, he receives Blue Chu Jelly. It’s neon and fabulous. Twink contemplates adding a Chu hair care line to the offerings at his new fashion store, and then, with only a little disgusted shuddering on my part, climbs up the ladder of Tingle Tower. Ew gross ew gross ew gross, I’m climbing a big Tingle Penis.

At the top, in the shade of the giant revolving Tingle Penis Head, Twink sees a most disturbingly erotic (or perhaps erotically disturbing) sight. He finds not only his queer pal Tingle, but two additional Tingles, one dressed in a pale pink jumpsuit and one in white. The gay in this recap is going up exponentially, guys. As if it could get any weirder, White Tingle and Pink Tingle are manually rotating the Tingle Penis Head, using wooden levers sticking out of its base. It seems they are Tingle’s identical twin slaves.

Exponential.

Talking to Pink Tingle (called Ankle) only yields cryptic hints about using the Tingle Tuner, but White Tingle (real name David Jr.), in the midst of complaining about the laborious nature of his life as Tingle’s butt slave, confides in Twink that Pink Tingle has a twin brother. Jesus Christ, how many of these weirdos are there? And if it’s specifically Pink Tingle’s brother, they’re not all related? Why do they all look exactly the same? Why did the game designers get so high that they thought Tingle was a good idea? Why am I in this horrible place? WHYYYYYYY???

Okay, I’d better talk to Tingle and get out of here before I just lose it completely. He’s just thrilled down to his little fairy toes to see Twink, and wants to “play” with him. Just…no. I cannot even fathom such an idea, even in the hypothetical stage. Thinking about the fanfiction possibilities is enough to send me screaming into the night. But thankfully, Tingle realizes Twink isn’t here to play. “Hmmmmm!” he fruits. “It looks like you are carrying a slightly larger wallet around with you, but still…it is not quite large enough!” Okay, I think I figured out the colored text. Whenever something is written in a different color, it’s a euphemism for something else. Guess what wallet means here. Go on, guess.

As if he wants to prove me right, Tingle goes on, “If you don’t have a really, really big wallet, it will be very difficult for you to carry enough Rupees to your hardworking friend Tingle! And that would be terrible!” I’ll leave the Mad Libs-style interpretations up to you guys on this one. I’m a little too scared to think about it. Tingle suggests, for the enlargement of Twink’s wallet, he should go talk to a fairy north of here. Well, anything to impress Tingle.

Sure enough, a ways north of Tingle Island, Twink discovers Northern Fairy Island. Guess what lives here. The heart-shaped island is nothing more than a bit of sand with a giant conch shell on it. The back of this shell is blocked by a large boulder, which is no match for Twink and his mighty bombs. Dropping into the hole inside the conch shell, Twink finds himself facing another Bizarro Great Fairy, and this one makes his only-kinda-big wallet really honkin’ extra big–large enough to hold an astounding 5000 Rupees. God, Tingle is going to be all over him like RuPaul on Antonio Banderas.

Of course, an even better way to get Tingle all hot and bothered would be to go find this long-lost fourth Tingle brother. And thanks to the Prima Strategy Chart in Twink’s inventory, he knows just where and how to find him. Please understand that I am grossed out beyond belief at the concept of four Tingles all on one tiny island, let alone on the island with the Tingle Penis on it. But Twink would never forgive his invisible controller if he was, for any reason, denied the joys of a five-way fairy orgy. So let’s do this thing.

Obviously it can’t be as simple as just finding the guy and dragging him back to his frightening home, so we start our search on NPC Island. With my fabulous ruby-red Game Boy Advance plugged into controller port #2, I begin something called Tingle Tuner Training. To help me complete this annoying set of tasks, I enlist Josh, because I can’t use the controller and the GBA simultaneously, and he could use a break from World of Warcraft anyway. As soon as Twink sets foot on the beach he whips out his Tingle Tuner (with wang-like floppy antenna) and uses it to call Tingle. After a few moments, I hear some bizarre noises coming from the GBA in Josh’s hands, and with a burst of blue-green light Twink is imbued with magical Tingle power. More accurately, Twink is now standing in a holographic projection of Tingle’s face. Yuck.

According to Josh, Tingle addresses Twink through the Tuner and is positively titillated that Twink is using the Godforsaken device. But he needs to know if Twink is the right fairy for him–and he does actually say that in so many words–and so assigns Twink a number of tasks to complete with the help of the Tuner. And if you guessed that the tasks involve Twink undressing in the view of the Tingle Tuner’s screen, ramming random phallic objects up his ass, or having buttsex with Liberace, well, sadly you’re wrong–it’s really nothing fun like that. But that’s what fanfictions are for, people. Go, and write. Just don’t show any of it to me.

First, Tingle asks Twink to go stand in front of the red postbox. Whoa, that sounds a little hard for our hero. Could we start with something easier, please? But Twink somehow manages to walk over to the mailbox, which is again dying for his special touch. This time it’s a letter from his grandma, with the usual dress-warm-you’ll-catch-cold-I-miss-you-come-see-me type of stuff, and a red Rupee. I’m just a little bothered that the postbox’s white, sputtering load was a letter from a grandparent. It’s just not right.

Tingle is satisfied with Twink’s work, so it’s on to the second task. Now Twink must find all the wooden benches in town, but in the order Tingle tells him! Oh, I am getting so flustered by this harrowing mission. Anyway, the first bench Tingle wants him to rub up against is the one closest to the postbox. It takes me all of two seconds to find this bench (near the Eskimo Guy’s open-air shop), but no matter how much I stand in front of it no bleeps emit from the GBA. Josh and I argue for about ten minutes about whether I have the right bench or not, and then finally I make Twink whack the bench with his sword out of frustration, and GBA!Tingle bloops in approval. I blame it on the shitty connectivity technology and we move on.