Twink can’t resist the call of sweet, sweet, hearts and magic, so he prays to all the gods and goddesses that he won’t have to feel Ganondorf’s belly slapping against his back anytime soon. You may thank me for that mental image, and no, I don’t want to see your fanfic saga where that actually happens.
The crazy room design continues. Though Twink is already standing on rafters, he looks up to see more fucking rafters. With another grappling hook branch, of course. On this level — which thankfully appears to be the topmost level of rafters — Ganondorf has kindly left him a mystical jar that connects to a mystical jar on the floor of the room. Twink shudders a bit as another image of Ganondorf’s expectations pops into his brain, but again finds he can’t resist this opportunity. Hating himself, he flames the lid off the jar. More healing items in pots allow Twink to fully restore his hearts and magic. Now maybe he can dispose of Ganondorf before the baddie decides to get his rape on.
Twink Moneyshots up to a door that leads outside. He supposes that Ganondorf’s flying ability makes things like stairs or elevators unnecessary. Because who else would put a door up at the top of a wall with almost no access to it? As soon as Twink goes through the door, the scene switches to a shot of a the roof platform with curlique designs carved into its floor and sides, as well as stone curliques sticking out of it. Ganondorf (with Zelda) stands on one side of the roof with Twink on the side directly opposite. And…I don’t see any door. I suppose we’ll just assume that Ganondorf built a door way at the top of his kiddy-fiddling room that teleports people onto the surface of roof. It wouldn’t be the strangest or most nonsensically convenient thing that’s happened in the game.
Nice framing.
The camera changes to a view of Ganondorf framed between Twink’s legs as Ganondorf monologues like he’s getting paid for it. Because having a final boss battle without learning every single nuance behind the villain’s motivation would cause the universe to collapse. I won’t bother to retype Ganondorf’s pretentious monologue word for word, but here’s the gist. He was born in a desert, which was hot during the day and cold at night. He uses wind to represent these simple concepts, just to tie it in with the whole wind theme that’s been established in the game. Isn’t that clever? Okay, so while the winds in the desert were bad, the winds in Hyrule were good (i.e. — not overly hot or cold). This made Ganondorf all bitter and jealous. Instead of, say, moving his people to a place that didn’t have such atrocious living conditions, he decided to become an evil, psychotic asshole. Well, that’s certainly a…unique motivation for a bad guy.
As he looks down at the unconscious Zelda on the ground, he pretentiously drones, “It can only be called fate. …That here, I would again gather the three with the crests. …That I should lay my hand on that which grants the wishes of the beholder…” Wait, he’s talking about the Triforce! Ganondorf’s lamery is pissing me off, so I’m going to offer my own non-pretentious translation of the dialogue. Here we go. “Cool, I’ve collected the three pieces of the Triforce. Now I can touch it (it being the Triforce, not your underage penis, Twink) and get what I want (which might very well be your underage penis, Twink). I’ve wrung Zelda completely dry…er, of her bit of the Triforce, so now it’s your turn, juicy boy!”
Twink’s wiener?
Ganondorf stands looking at Twink for about a million years, then sort of draws himself up like he’s going to do another Final Boss Transformation. But he doesn’t, because the game designers have already blown their wad on that one. Instead, he zooms at Twink, grinning like a crazy rapist, and punches our hero repeatedly in his pretty face. Oh, Lenzo is not going to be happy about this. The Masturbator Sword flies out of Twink’s hand and sails phallicly through the air before landing point-first in the stone two inches from Zelda’s head. Not that Twink has any murderous thoughts toward the princess, but that came very close to solving a number of his Mary Sue problems. He’s got bigger (and fatter) fish to fry at the moment, however.
When big, studly Ganondorf finishes beating up the little kid, he stalks toward him and creeps, “Do not fear. I will not kill you…” I don’t think that’s what Twink’s afraid of, if you follow me. I also love how Twink faced all those obstacles and spent all that time readying himself for this battle, and within ten seconds he’s nearly unconscious on the ground because some out-of-shape douchebag punched his lights out. Way to go, Twink. And since this happens automatically, I’m not even responsible for Twink’s suckitude this time.
“I will take your Triforce now,” Ganondorf basically says, lifting Twink into the air by one arm. All that touching is totally gratuitous because Zelda’s Triforce detaches itself and rises into the air along with the other two, and she’s way over there on the ground. Smooth, Ganondorf. Now, maybe I’m just an idiot when it comes to Zelda series canon, but I’ve always wondered why the individual pieces of the Triforce show up as the full Triforce on Twink, Zelda, and Ganondorf’s hands. I mean, each one is just a golden triangle, right? It’s not actually the triple triangle until they all come together. I would say it was Nintendo’s evil PR department out to squash anything that resembles a gay pride symbol, but…well, look at the rest of the game.
Anyway, my confusion aside, each of the golden triangles rises from its owner and they assemble into the Triforce, showering the roof with golden beams and sparkles. Ganondorf drops Twink with a rather humiliating thud and strides forward into the middle of this golden shower. The Triforce lowers itself to meet him. Instead of, say, touching the Triforce first and then making his request, which would be the smart thing to do, Ganondorf raises his arm like he’s in a deodorant commercial, closes his eyes dramatically, and goes, “Blah, blah, blah” for a while, finishing with, “Give Hyrule to me!!!” In oversized font, naturally. God, that guy is such a font hog.
When he turns his skyward gaze back to the Triforce in front of him, he finds a hand already there. But it’s not Twink’s hand. And it’s not Zelda’s hand, either. It would be hilarious if it were Tingle’s hand, but that’s also not the case. Nope, it’s that old pervert, King Daphnes, who apparently Last Crusaded his way through Ganon’s Tower to get here. I hope he used the Mystical Jar instead of climbing all those ropes. Because I don’t need that mental image. Shit, too late. Also, I love how he managed to tiptoe over to the Triforce without Ganondorf noticing, even though Ganondorf had his eyes closed for maybe six seconds. King Daphnes is a ninja!
Though dogs understand the significance of King Daphnes touching the Triforce, he still is all, “Ha ha, you have to touch the Triforce to get your wish granted, and that’s what I’m doing! See, I’m touching it! And you aren’t, which means that I get my wish granted and you don’t! Do you get it now?” Everyone, including the shocked Ganondorf, rolls their eyes at this flash of the obvious. “Gods of the Triforce! Hear that which I desire!” King Daphnes screams, stealing Ganondorf’s oversized font. To my surprise, he doesn’t wish for a harem of identical, half-naked Fabo clones. Instead: “Hope! I desire hope for these children! Give them a future! Wash away this ancient land of Hyrule! Let a ray of hope shine on the future of the world!!!”
Well, that just might be the lamest wish ever. Or at least the lamest phrasing. “Let a ray of hope shine on the future of the world”? How does a god grant something like that?
And I certainly hope he wasn’t asking for these two children to have a future together. Making Twink love the ladies is beyond even the powers of the strongest gods. King Daphnes switches back to a more normal-sized font, adding something about fulfilling destinies and wishing for Ganondorf to end up in a watery grave with Hyrule. How many wishes does one get with the Triforce? Jesus.
The Triforce gets tired of this long list of requests and breaks apart into its three components. Something about this situation causes Ganondorf to laugh incessantly, like he’s auditioning for the FFX Luca scene. The magical bubble holding back the ocean collapses or something, but instead of the water flooding in all at once, it falls in a rather neat ring around Ganondorf’s roof. In a single instant, water rises up to the very edge of the platform. Perhaps this nonsense can be explained away by King Daphnes’s wish for the kids to not bite it. But that doesn’t explain the thunder and rain that starts pouring down, awakening Twink.
‘Jesus, Lenzo, use some freaking lube next time!’
He climbs painfully to his feet, still smarting from being punched two or three times — as opposed to more minor injuries he’s incurred recently, like getting hacked with a giant sword or blasted in the face with giant fireballs. He stares at Ganondorf’s back, listening to the guy babble on some more about how all this future stuff is bullshit. Suddenly, a phallic object appears next to Twink. It’s…the Masturbator Sword! Wielded by Zelda!
Twink doesn’t like the thought of some icky girl with her hands wrapped around the hilt of his precious weapon, but he’s even more shocked when she lashes out with her previously bitchy personality. “What are you laughing at, Ganondorf?! You’re insane!” Well, it’s not the wittiest retort, but at least she, unlike everyone else in this God damn game, gets his name right. “Twink! I’m sorry! I overslept!” she jokes. Twink looks at her with narrowed eyes, still unhappy at the way she’s holding his sword. Hand it over, already, beeyotch.
Zelda’s all, “Let’s get the fuck out of here!” This reminds Twink of all the lovely men waiting for him on the surface, so he finally smiles. And then he totally checks out his sword like he would if it were a penis and it were located in some guy’s crotch instead of Zelda’s. The camera switches back to Ganondorf, who instantly unsheathes his double swords and comments, “That Triforce stuff is all bullshit, even though I spent this entire game trying to get it! Now I will threaten to kill you while using words like ‘future’ and ‘hope’ that are obvious references to King Daphnes’s wish.” Final boss battle time!
You may have noticed that by this point in the recap, I’m a bit tired of boss battles. I might have been too subtle on this point, so I forgive you if you didn’t quite catch it. But after recapping that melodramatic cutscene, I’m ready to take on anything, even if it’s a dozen Dicknuts. Well, that may be exaggerating a bit, but you understand what I’m saying.
At this very instant, the most shocking plot twist takes place. I realize that’s not saying much in a game full of such gems as “Twink is the Hero of Time reborn!” or “Tetra is actually Princess Zelda!” but bear with me here. This one is fucking crazy. Are you ready? Zelda, who has suddenly gained possession of a bow (either it’s Twink’s or she was hiding one under her skirt), offers to help Twink in this fight.
I will repeat that. The freaking Mary Sue princess of the game helps the hero with the final boss instead of standing around going “Eek!” I’ll give you a moment to recover.
Here’s how this works: Twink unsuccessfully tries to avoid Ganondorf’s grunting sword slice attacks while Zelda shoots Light Arrows at him. Ganondorf, not Twink. I know — a Mary Sue who doesn’t actually screw over the hero in battle! Alert the presses! When Ganondorf gets paralyzed by what looks like electricity, Twink takes the opportunity to show Ganondorf who’s really the master of phallic weapons. He wants to prove that it’s not the size that counts.
After a few hits with the Light Arrows, Ganondorf suddenly notices that hey, there’s a little girl shooting rather debilitating projectiles at him. Maybe he should take care of that. Unfortunately, Zelda finds herself in the grip of Mary-Sueitis once again and just stands there like a log as Ganondorf smacks her in the face, knocking her unconscious. Twink would make a snide remark about useless girls, but the same exact thing happened to him, so he shouldn’t talk.