The new room looks almost identical to the last room, except for two things: the pit is filled with water, and four Boomerwang switches take the place of the torch holders. A smart person might go, “Hey! Maybe I should hit these in ascending order of the other room’s flame counts! The same order in which the camera zoomed in on them!” But we are not smart — we are very, very dumb. So the camera zooms in on each of the four switches in exactly the same order as the sconces. Jesus Christ in a shopping cart, WE GET IT TEN MINUTES AGO. Twink wishes with all his heart for a missile launcher so he can blow up anything resembling a puzzle in this building. Instead, he has to settle for hitting the switches with the Boomerwang in a certain order. Let me have a minute while I try to figure out what that order is.
God.
Once Twink finishes this completely mind-boggling task, a butthole-shaped portal of darkness appears on the surface of the water. Suddenly, Sean Connery comes floating into the room from the opening in the far wall. Twink screams like a little girl when he sees the boat. I can’t say I blame him. He probably thinks Sean is going to tell him the order for hitting the Boomerwang switches. And that’s fucking scary. How did Sean get in here anyway? Even if the doorway does connect with an outer wall or something, the last I saw, Sean was stuck in the courtyard pond at Hyrule Castle. You know, that pond high up on the castle walls? That doesn’t connect to anything? It would have been nice for Sean to tell Twink about his magical teleportation powers, saving him from all that tedious sailing and cyclone shit. But no, he had to waste his time jabbering about stuff we already knew or telling us the same new information in several different ways. Asshole.
Sean eyes the dark butthole portal and comments, “I see… So this is the portal through which Ganon[dorf] was able to seep into the unsuspecting world above…” If you say so, Sean. I don’t actually use the portal, but it apparently leads to the Forsaken Fucking Fortress. Its only use is for Twink to return to the main ocean in order to finish any sidequests. But he’s already done all of those, thanks to Sam. Wow, I’m sure glad I went through all that torch puzzle malleting just to generate a portal I’ll never use! I wonder if I can sue the game designers for assault with a deadly weapon.
Do Big Gay Beedle and Liberace count?
I would be a failure as a recapper if I didn’t examine the story point we just learned. So here is the plot as I understand it — keeping in mind that my feeble brain doesn’t remember every single minute plot point we’ve already covered. So after the gods did the unspecified water-making thing from the intro, Ganondorf was stuck down in his dark but still rather decorative castle. And his powers were sealed by the Masturbator Sword at some point, since he made that huge-ass deal about Twink pulling it from the stone and releasing him. So Ganondorf sat around in his castle, planning future redecorations, until one day he was somehow able to create a black butthole portal up to an evil-looking fortress on the surface, in spite of his sealed powers which weren’t really all that sealed. Then, he created a totally obvious candle/Boomerwang puzzle to hide this portal, even though it made no sense to try to keep anyone from getting to the surface from his castle. It would make more sense to guard the portal from the other side, so that his enemies couldn’t get into his castle. He sort of did have it guarded from the other direction, since the portal didn’t even exist until activated from this side. Which would mean that someone would’ve already had to get into his castle to activate it, which makes the whole attempt to guard it from the other direction a moot point. In other words, I think I’m missing something here.
Twink rolls his eyes over this entire lame setup and ditches his talkative boat to return to the central chamber. He has exhausted all current possibilities save for one: jumping into the pit in the torch room. Except for the Goatse holes sprinkled around the various islands, jumping into pits is generally a bad idea for Twink. But he doesn’t care. If this pit doesn’t lead anywhere, then he can just use it to commit suicide. After those horrible dungeon re-tread rooms, being hammered over the head repeatedly with clues for a simple dungeon puzzle, a completely unsatisfying reward to solving said puzzle, and the fact that he’s being stalked by his magical boat — all while being forced to save an icky girl — well, can you blame him for wanting to off himself?
It turns out that the pit is a portal to the next dungeon area. Twink doesn’t know whether to feel relieved or disappointed. This new room is yet another circular chamber decorated with weird, vaguely evil symbols and horned skulls. Before Twink can wonder which of the several doors he should enter, a familiar figure materializes behind him. Shit, it’s that asshole Phantom Ganon. Sam explained his strategies fairly thoroughly, so I won’t waste your time. As for the energy ball tennis, she didn’t say whether or not she totally sucked at it, so I will have to assume that she didn’t. Unfortunately, that is not the case for me. Oh, I can hit the energy ball back at PG the first several times, but my timing…well, to put it politely, it sucks elephantine donkey scrotum. Though the Strategy Chart warns Twink that PG, unlike his predecessor, will rarely appear at Twink level for some good, old-fashioned sword-choppin’, that must be the case for people who have some actual talent at this battle. Because the game eventually takes pity on me and offers me an alternate method of hitting PG that is a little closer to my special talent: button-mashing. See, PG appears in quadruplicate, dancing in a merry circle around Twink. Even if Twink hits all the copies before the actual PG (so would those be Phantom Phantom Ganons?), he can still get in a bit of stabbing on the thing. Whew, crisis averted.
I think I saw a porno like this once.
The extremely impressive black sword wielded by Phantom Ganon dramatically drops to the ground after his death. Here is where the words of the pretentious stone tablet come into play. The hilt of the sword points at the correct exit. You can imagine why I had a bit of trouble solving this puzzle without that vital clue. Now, I don’t need ten thousand e-mails telling me how YOU were smart enough to figure it out. I’m sure your penis is very impressive and you get to have lots and lots of sex with the ladies. Besides, the camera didn’t make a beeline from the hilt of the sword to the door, so you can’t expect me to have any chance of solving this one on my own.
Anyway, Twink proceeds through the indicated exit. The “Way to Go, Genius!” music indicates that he chose wisely. Suckily, this new room is identical to the last one, right down to the jerkoff Phantom Ganon hovering nearby and grunting. Oh, Jesus Christ.
Twink still manages to suck at the ball toss, making this footage a real joy for me to watch. Miraculously, one energy ball hits PG on the second volley, possibly causing a tear in the fabric of space and time. A few seconds later, PG’s black sword flops limply on the ground, pointing to yet another exit. Twink complies.
You’ll never guess what’s in the next room. Go ahead, I dare you! Ha! You think it’s another Phantom Ganon, don’t you? Suckers! Just kidding, you’re totally right. It’s another God damn Phantom Ganon. Twink wonders briefly if he’s doing something wrong — after all, it’s not like his Strategy Chart is infallible. How many of these fuckers is he supposed to fight?
As it turns out, eight in all. Now, I wouldn’t consider these guys any harder to fight than, say, Dicknuts, but I still feel justified in adding them to my Boss Fight Total for this recap. Because they’re not really supposed to be regular enemies. So that brings us to twelve. Twelve motherfucking boss fights in this dungeon. So far.
Twink can almost forgive all that. Almost. Because his reward for that annoying Phantom Ganon maze is the fabulous, sparkling Light Arrows. As Twink holds up the golden arrows for all to see, he notices that they look more like expensive buttplugs than actual arrows. Well, this could be interesting. He makes a note to take these over to the Tingle Penis once this is all over. It might be a good idea to file the points down first, though.
Fabulous!
Twink returns to the first circular room (the one with the bricked-up portal) via a newly unbarred door. To his utter horror, another of those Phantom Ganon fuckers teleports into existence, grunting and groaning like he’s taking the world’s hugest dump. Twink has no time for this shit — he has the Light Arrows now! And it only takes a single Light Arrow right through this guy’s shadowy chest cavity to make him disappear in a rather lovely explosion of light. Twink stands there for a moment in awe. If only Tingle could have seen this!
The unfortunate Phantom Ganon once again leaves behind his large sword, but this time it has a different use. Feeling manlier than a roomful of male muscle models, Twink lifts the sword in his tiny hands and swings it at the bricked-up door. The door, too, disappears in an explosion of light in spite of the fact that no Light Arrows were used. I guess Ganon just set it up to open in such a fabulous way. Or maybe anything Twink touches turns into powerful beams of light. That would be the best thing ever, he decides.
Heading through the new door (is this dungeon almost over yet?), Twink finds himself in yet another room with a red-carpeted staircase. And man, this one stretches on longer than the plot of Xenogears. At each landing, Twink encounters an enemy — most often a Moblin or Dicknut — as well as pots full of magic jars. Twink takes a moment to weigh his options. Either he could pick each enemy off one by one using regular strategies, or he could kill each one in a single hit using the Light Arrows and fill up his magic bar from the pots afterward. Decisions, decisions. Eventually, he decides upon the latter strategy because he’s not always a total tard. Except that he still manages to light himself on fire from one of the Moblins’ dropped lanterns. Gooooooo me Twink!
No way is Ganondorf straight.
Twink takes special pleasure in destroying the two decoratively-garbed Dicknuts guarding a set of scarlet-and-gold double doors. He considers it payback for earlier, even though these guys are not the same Dicknuts. Some might call that unfair, but Twink thinks those people can sodomize themselves with the bladed end of a Dicknut sword.
Speaking of sodomy, Twink has a tiny inkling of what might await him beyond those double doors, and it’s not a Bokoblin. Actually, it would be kind of funny if is was just a Bokoblin. Before he sallies forth to find out, he checks his status: full hearts, full magic bar, four jars chock full of healing items (including Granny’s Special Stew), and full arrows. Only a couple of martinis and a roll in the hay with Tingle could improve his chances now. He is ready.