Once Twink has the Ghost Ship Chart firmly ensconced in his sack, he returns to the entrance, stabbing many a Floor Masturbator along the path. Sometimes it just feels good to do it the old-fashioned way. It makes Twink feel all manly and shit. After an uneventful trip back to Sean and his impressive sail, Twink notices the Ghost Ship still on the horizon. It’s convenient and just a little bit aggravating at the same time.

Unwilling to waste the chart he went through all that trouble to procure, Twink whips it out. The chart is divided into seven sections, each labeled with a phase of the moon and an outline of the corresponding island. Right now, the chart indicates a moon of the gibbous variety with the ghost ship symbol flashing over…well, I’ll be! Diamond Steppe Island! That’s where Twink is!

Rolling up the chart with an accompanying roll of his eyes, Twink sails forth to meet the spooooooooky vessel. He hopes that he doesn’t pee his pants in fear, but then he remembers that he’s dealt with much scarier shit like Mrs. Seymour and that giant vagina flower.

Accompanied by the reused mystical warp jar sound, the ship sucks Twink into its spooooooky depths as the screen goes black. I wonder what kind of freaky, unnerving shit awaits us inside this ship of the dead. Surely, it shall be something memorable that will haunt our nightmares for ages.

The lights come back on to reveal Twink standing…inside a room that looks like the interior of the submarines and Timmy’s stupid pirate ship room. That must have taken weeks of creative brainstorming. The lower area of the room is filled with the more ghostly and/or magical creatures of the Great Sea. Namely, Poes, a Bone Daddy, and a Jizzrobe (tm Chiponyasu — see, we didn’t forget this time!).

I know you have this image of me as a talented and impressive Zelda player, the way I can take on numerous enemies without losing hearts or my cool, but I’m going to burst your bubble here and admit that I kind of suck at this part.

While Twink fumbles with his bow to make it hot and fiery, those persistent pervy Poes can’t get enough of that hot Twink manmeat, crowding him and rubbing up against him nonconsensually. Yeah, now they’re all over him after they cruelly rejected him from their gay Poe disco. Twink is not about to put out at this point.

He gets the brilliant idea to climb back up to the ledge where the Poes can’t go (ghosts can’t leave the ground, apparently) but where he can get a better shot at that shrieking Jizzrobe. Unfortunately, the game designers aren’t about to reward me for an attempt to make my life easier, so as it ends up, the Jizzrobe can still hit Twink in the face with flaming balls from the back of the room, but it’s too far away to target. Eating a big old shopping bag full of dicks is way too good a fate for the game designers at this point.

His entire body on fire due to one of the aforementioned flaming balls, Twink hops back down into the fray. He’s immediately smacked in the face with the Bone Daddy’s swinging phallus. Nice. What next? Twink runs around, trying unsuccessfully to get a lock on that annoying Jizzrobe, until finally he manages to penetrate its mouth with a hot shaft.

For some reason, that didn’t finish it off. Lame. Once again, Twink pathetically attempts to lock onto it, avoiding other enemies, until one of the Poes invades his personal space in the worst possible way. You know what I’m talking about. It violates his entire being, taking over his body and, even worse, the controller buttons.

Finally, Twink decides that he has to defeat the mindrapers first. Luckily, though it’s the middle of the night, a shaft of light shines in through a hole in the wall. And a cute little plant grows right in the beam. Inside a ghost ship. Sure, why not? You can bet that more thought went into that tiny detail than into the game’s entire plot. Anyway, in the time it takes Twink to vanquish a single Poe, he manages to walk into a Jizzrobe fireball and get cornered by a Bone Daddy. Man, this footage is so awesome to watch.

Eventually, by pure luck, Twink manages to wipe out the remainder of the jerky buttholes, causing a ladder to drop from the far ledge. Inside the room is the Triforce Chart chest, surrounded by large jars. Considering that I live in constant fear of a power outage that forces me to redo some of the more irritating tasks, I generally grab the treasure chest first. Even the guide backs me up, since it says, “Grab the chart and smash the jars to gain several hundred Rupees, too!” In its enthusiasm, it forgets to add, “But be sure to smash the jars first, since the God damn ship disappears with a creepy yet lust-filled scream as soon as Twink grabs the chart!” Because that’s what happens. I wouldn’t normally experience such a high level of irritation over this, except that I know what’s coming in the money department later on. I hope the ship and its denizens currently occupy the lowest and most profane level of Hell.

No sense in wasting any more time on that, since I have lots more to bitch and whine about over the next few hours. You can hardly wait. Next stop on the Grand Twink Fetch Quest of ’05 is none other than Twink’s cozy island home. That’s Outset, for you slow individuals out there. Once again attempting to lead me astray, the stupid strategy guide dorks, “DURR HURR! Climb the hill and use the Dicku Shit to fly over to the giant stone head!” It apparently missed the fact that it’s probably a thousand times less irritating to moneyshot onto the conveniently-placed tree to get there. Write this down, because for once I didn’t allow myself to get screwed over by mistakes in the guide. Go me!

Twink manages to find the stone head up on the ledge and uses his prizewinning bodybuilder skills to lift it out of the way. Underneath is yet another hole for him to wriggle into. Ooh, baby. This hole leads to what the guide accurately calls a “time-consuming” endeavor. This kind of understatement is akin to saying “Tidus is an irritating character” or “Squall loves cock.” And I can tell you right now that this will be an absolute joy to recap. Buckle your seatbelts, we’re in for a wild ride.

What Twink is about to jump into headfirst is a lovely area of the game called the Savage Labyrinth. I’m not sure why they bother to throw the word “labyrinth” in there, since there is nothing resembling a maze, nor does David Bowie’s oversized unit figure into it in any way. No, “multi-level pit” would be a more accurate designation.

The Savage Multi-Level Pit is, well, a multi-level pit (51 levels, to be exact), with each level containing a group of monsters that Twink must finish off in order to proceed. It probably goes without saying that the monsters become more difficult as Twink progresses. And of course, if he leaves at any of the escape points, he’ll have to restart this whole fiasco from the beginning. Fun!

I’ve been trying to think of ways to portray just how freaking long this takes, and one of the options I considered was a comprehensive list of the monsters involved. Then I realized I’d have to type all that out, and I’m just too lazy to do that. Plus, you’d probably see things like “roomful of Keese” or “roomful of ChuChus” and that might skew your perception of the difficulty of the process.

So I will treat you to some highlights of Twink’s 53-minute experience. And perhaps I might share some of my feelings on the matter. Surprise! The first ten levels involve creatures that Twink encountered in Dragon Phallus Cavern like one-eyed monsters and flaming bats. Likewise, the next ten levels (after the obligatory heal-and-escape level) are dedicated to Forbidden Penis nostalgia. Minus any vagina flowers, thank the gods. Although Twink could do without those damn fangirl eyeballs. And I’m sure it will shock you that the next ten levels contain monsters from the Phallus of the Gods — PeeKaChus, Jizzrobes, and Armhos Knights. The final fight of the sequence involves two Dicknuts — one wearing fabulous golden armor, and the other one insanely jealous. Twink is a bit klutzy, losing five hearts in the process, but no brutal violations worth noting.

Imagine Twink’s surprise when he finds Triforce Chart 6 on the 31st level. Okay, he’s not that surprised since he has the Strategy Chart and all, but I’m trying to make this the slightest bit interesting. Now that he got what he came for, he’s free to go. The remaining twenty floors of the “labyrinth” only lead to a lousy Piece of Ass.

…

…

Okay, Twink has no choice — he must finish out this task. When I was recording, I debated quite a bit over attempting this next part because…well, to be honest, I’ve never been able to defeat it. Yes, yes, point and laugh, send me gloating e-mails, get it out of your systems. There are things more fearsome than a handful of Bokoblins or Peahats in the lowest depths. Finally, I decided to go for it, as at the very least it would provide an opportunity for you to laugh some more at my expense. Don’t say I never did anything for you.

Onward! Twink manages to destroy a group of ReDeads with little to no face raping, but the next level is where stuff really starts to go to shit. A plethora of cackling skulls surrounded with estrogen fog latch onto Twink like a pack of Rinoas. Sometimes I’m really glad that you guys can’t see my recap footage. Let’s just say that while Twink only ends up losing one heart, the amount he loses in coolness is immeasurable.

Several levels down, Twink encounters three of those gorgeous moths that unfortunately shit out fangirl eyeballs. All I see when I watch the video is a visual cacophony of flames, glowing green wing patterns, and spiny balls shooting out of many an orifice. It’s not surprising that the nether regions of these moths are shaped like phalluses, since they’re so good at raping the shit out of Twink.

Speaking of which, Twink gets his face raped the next level down. He’s had better days. I know I’m using the word “rape” quite frequently in this portion of the recap, but if you saw my footage, you’d understand.

Fighting his way past ReDeads, Moblins, Poes, and more, Twink finally reaches a floor with more of those fucking estrogen skulls. With Bone Daddies added to the mix for that extra kick in the nuts. God, this is painful to watch. Yes, there is a nice, convenient shaft of light, and yes, Twink and I are also aware that the Dicku Shit is quite handy to use in these situations, but…well, I’m not really sure how to end this statement beyond pointing out once again that I suck. Hard.

The Strategy Chart tells Twink that the next level is both a recovery and escape room. Except that once again, Twink learns that it’s a rotten lying liar. The Jesusbillion rupees mollify him slightly, but the lack of any sort of recovery items ensure that he is so not sending the chart’s author a Christmas card this year.

With no hearts or fairies to be found, Twink has no choice but to down some of his Granny’s Protein Potion to stop that annoying beeping. This makes his heart meter look like a throbbing red cock, which improves his mood slightly.