In part ten, Jeanne apparently decided to set some kind of world record for Most Mind-Numbing Gameplay in One Recap. I should know–I had to kill all those fucking Dicknuts, too. Well, now it’s my turn and I’m in the mood for revenge. Seven hours of chart-reading, chest-opening, Piece-of-Ass-collecting revenge.
Jeanne dumped Twink off at the entrance to Ganon’s Tower, in front of the door with the pig head engraved on it. Twink lingers long enough to mentally note this latest exhibition of Ganon’s complete lack of interior decorating skill (imagine the hideousness if he took over the world!) before sashaying back to the third-story balcony pond where Sean Connery is waiting for him.
Yeah, of course I have the option of going to the final dungeon, beating the game right now and blowing off all the extra shit Twink hasn’t done yet. I’m not going to do that for the following reasons:
1) If I did, I wouldn’t be able to read any more of Jeanne’s recaps of this game, and that would make me sad.
2) I’m an OCD-level completionist.
3) Twink is too anemic in the Piece of Ass department to survive fighting Ganon right now.
4) The aforementioned revenge thing.
So Twink is going to take this last opportunity–the “precious seconds” before the princess loses her grip on the cliff’s edge, if you will–to better prepare himself for the ordeal that is to come. That means Pieces of Ass and lots of them, folks. He’s also going to hunt around for any other pretty baubles or large Rupee stashes around the Great Sea, because, when this is all over, Twink would rather like to retire and spend the rest of his days at his cabana o’ love, sipping mai tais and enjoying erotic massages courtesy of the Big Gay Beedle sibling cabal. But thanks to Tingle’s Triforce chart racketeering, Twink is a long way from that level of financial security. Finally, he’s going to do his best to fill out the rest of his sea chart, so DickFish will stop saying he has a tiny wiener.
To save myself from going completely batfuck loco in the process, however, I am not going to recap every single treasure chest and exterminated Moblin. Try to hold back those tears, guys. I will cover all the interesting points along this journey, which basically means I’ll be sure to point out every penis-shaped thing I see. You can count on that.
Speaking of phalluses, after staring at the same treasure chart for at least ten minutes (sometimes, watching my footage, I wonder if I have ADD and I’m spacing off in the middle of gameplay), Twink plays the Ballad of Gales and warps to the Tingle Penis. Then, after more staring at the wall examination of treasure charts, he warps from Tingle Island to Southern Fairy Island. Since the only other explanation for this is that I was drunk or stoned when I was playing, let’s just say that Twink’s day isn’t complete without gazing upon the majestic Tingle Penis at least once.
Now at Southern Fairy Island, Twink, per one of his charts, ferrets a Piece of Ass from the ocean floor. Using treasure charts to scavenge loot is not unlike playing Chocobo Hot ‘n’ Cold in Final Fantasy IX. As Twink and Sean Connery approach the spot of the treasure, the beam of light coming from the chest disappears, forcing Twink to pinpoint the exact spot on the featureless flat blue surface into which he should plunge his grappling hook. Sometimes this takes two seconds, sometimes ten minutes. I wouldn’t have a problem with this, except that getting the treasure charts themselves is so often a pain in the ass–Twink once killed six Floor Masturbators in a sea of estrogen fog for one treasure chart, remember–that there shouldn’t be any extra work involved in getting the chest itself. That’s like spending fifteen dollars on a strategy guide, with the perfectly reasonable expectation that it will help you get every secret in the game, but then finding out that there’s this one extra-special secret not included in the guide, so you can figure it out on your own. It’s a ripoff, is what I’m getting at here. (I’m looking at you, Working Designs.)
So keep in mind that, by the end of this, I will have gone through this fun process approximately forty times. I am grinding my teeth right now just thinking about it.
After sorting out the rest of the ass-shaped fairy islands–none of which had more to offer than treasure chart booty–Twink consults his chart again before warping to the Phallus of the Gods and then sailing west to a place called Six-Eye Reef. You may recall that Twink has encountered similar places before. Well, there are six of these reefs, each of which is supposed to look like one side of a six-sided die. Yeah, that’s six islands on the Great Sea they didn’t have to put much thought into, but it could be worse–the game designers could have been D&D nerds and we could have twenty uncreative islands instead of six. Thank God for small favors, I guess.
Each of the dice islands has basically the same layout and the same “puzzle” to solve. A rock wall surrounds the eyes of the reef, a wall onto which Twink can climb from one of the ends near the inlet. But before he can traverse this wall, he must dispose of any nearby threats to his well being. Like, just as an example, cannons and cannon boats. Craploads of cannons and cannon boats.
Nothing strikes fear into the hearts of men like a Bob-omb.
There is a treasure chest to be found in Six-Eye Reef, and to reveal it, Twink must destroy every cannon and every boat in the reef. Again, this is one of those tasks that sounds perfectly simple, but in practice results in me taking out my aggression on my hair. For starters, to efficiently eliminate these cannonball-spewing foes, four instruments are necessary: Sean Connery’s king-sized sail, the Wind Wanker, the Boomerwang, and the bombs. You math prodigies in the audience may have deduced that this is one more item than Twink can equip at one time. The Wind Wanker is of particular importance, because Twink must sail in every direction to every inch of the area within the reef in order to hit all the cannons. If the wind is blowing in the wrong direction, Sean Connery will come to a screeching halt, usually right next to a waiting cannon boat. Then the fun really begins. Because, you see, there is nothing more fun than watching helplessly as a cannon boat blasts Sean, knocking Twink into the water, and then watching him get back into the boat just in time for a cannonball or five to hit their mark, again, sending Twink into the water, again. Ad infinitum. Throw in Sean Connery guffawing like the asshole he is while our hero is pummeled by cannonballs, and it all adds up to a very unhappy Twink.
Half an hour later, the six cannons and three cannon boats are no more, and Twink, soaking wet and miserable, is trudging up the wall around the reef to get to the treasure chest. And even this can’t be a straightforward task, oh no. The chest is on one of the eyes in the reef, so Twink must play the Wind’s Requiem to get the wind going the right way, use the Dicku Shit to fly to the chest, change the direction of the wind again, and then Dicku Shit back over to Sean Connery, who probably thinks this is fucking hilarious. See, this is why we can’t have a Wind’s Requiem Count in these recaps. If we have to get out the abacus for it, it’s not worth counting.
By the way, guess what was in that chest. Another treasure chart! Oh, rapture! Twink is jumping for joy!
Twink stops to plunder the seas for a treasure chart chest in the reef–a silver Rupee, making this trip to Six-Eye Reef only ninety-five percent a waste of his time–before opening his new chart to see where he needs to go. It turns out he must return to Northern Triangle Isle, the one with all the Octos surrounding it. This is foreshadowing for what is to come, but for now I’m so happy that it wasn’t the one with the Seahats that I don’t care.
Twink busts out his grappling hook and dunks it into the ocean at the spot indicated on the treasure chart. He opens the chest, wondering, crossing his fingers, hoping it’s a new Piece of Ass, or maybe a handcrafted gold jewelry box…
Twink pulls from the chest another chart. But not a treasure chart. While that would be aggravating, at least it would potentially result in some swag. But no. The Disembodied Item Describer tells Twink he has found the Octo Chart. “Now you know where to find the Big Octos!” DID unnecessarily adds. Why, what a handy item, allowing me to locate all those phallic beasts! Well…except for the fact that I have already found and slain every fucking one of them. I should keep track of all these lost hours of my life and send an invoice to Nintendo. Maybe I’d get a free Pokémon skin for my Gamecube out of it. Those are the coolest.
Well, now our hero is just depressed. But chin up, Twink! There are plenty of non-worthless treasures still buried out there in the sea. At Crescent Isle, a–wait for it–crescent moon-shaped island northwest of the Dragon Phallus, Twink hauls a Piece of Ass from the sea, and finds a treasure chest on the island itself, guarded by two Blue ChuChus. Well, at least there’s more hair product for Twink’s store, because the chest contains another goddamn treasure chart. Every time Twink can check one of those off his list, he gets another one.
On top of that, Twink finds one of those creepy telescope-fetish guys on the island, staring at something in the distance. It occurs to me that we haven’t mentioned Telescope Perv previously in the recaps, but really, “weirdo with a telescope” sums it up pretty nicely. He’s just yet another gay individual with a phallic object fixation living simultaneously on many islands all over the map. The usual. His particular purpose is to tell Twink about whatever he happens to be looking at through his telescope. Oh, and he likes to say “Ho ho!” a lot, which is always good for a cheap laugh. Of course, the one time I have Twink talk to him to get information, he doesn’t give any hints whatsoever, so Twink has to whip out his own telescope. Even though it’s dark, he manages to spot a wooden, dank submarine bobbing in the water. There must be some kind of crazy orgy going on in there, for Peeping Tom Telescope Perv to be checking it out with such enthusiasm.
Twink gets over there post-haste, lest he miss out on any naked fun. When he first enters, though, the place is entirely empty. And there aren’t any places to hide in the empty hull, so it can’t be a surprise orgy for Twink’s birthday, either. What a letdown. But when Twink hops down to the bottom level, Shiggyblins, dozens of them, begin popping up out of nowhere. I’m beginning to think the orgy Telescope Perv was spying on was actually a coke orgy. And Twink wants no part of that, thanks.
Twink does the best he can to wipe out the Shiggyblins, but there are so many that Twink cannot possibly prevent some of them from poking him in the butt with their devil spears. Twink kills an arbitrary number of them–somewhere in the thousands–until all the torches on the walls light up and the ladder leading to the treasure chest drops. And look at that–it’s another treasure chart! This is the best day of Twink’s life. He’ll just be off for a swim in his Iron Boots now.
Twink sees that this latest treasure chart points to an island shaped like a horseshoe. Remembering his lessons on local geography back in his innocent Outset Island schoolboy days, he recalls such an island located directly west of Outset. Upon arrival, Twink wipes a joyful tear from his eye–Seahats! Everywhere! The happy surprises keep on coming.
‘One sec, Mr. Seahat, I’m fishing for Rupees.’
The original mission was to come here to Horseshoe Island, get it marked on the chart, get the buried loot and skedaddle. Unfortunately, Twink is a curious creature, and simply cannot keep himself from checking out the island itself. Because God knows I wouldn’t be willing to live with myself if I started playing this game half-assed and missed out on a Joy Pendant.
As soon as Twink’s toes hit land, his progress around the horseshoe is impeded by a row of virile, thorny vines. Oh, what to do? Clouded as his mind is by sexy thoughts of those tentacle-like vines, Twink pulls himself together and spots a hole, complete with flag, past the vines. Coincidentally, there are giant nuts, perfect for fitting into that hole over yonder, growing out of the ground near Twink. And thanks to Twink’s recollection of his first teabagging experience on Tingle Island, he knows just what to do, and flops that nut right into the hole. But contrary to Twink’s intuition, the vines, erect just moments ago, react to this by becoming flaccid and receding into the ground. At least Twink will have whatever treasure is up ahead to help him forget his hurt feelings.
Twink must do this twice more to get all the way around the horseshoe. And it’s not the easy hole-in-one it was the first time–he has to two-putt his way in using the Dicku Shit. The Pointless Puzzle Gods of Hyrule decide this demonstration of skill in Innuendo Mini Golf mustn’t go unrewarded. On a tiny dot of an island nestled within the horseshoe, a treasure chest materializes into existence. But before Twink can float over there to get it, he notices a dark hole near his feet. Another diversion? How can I resist?