But wait. Twink notices that Spectacle Island isn’t just another moneyshot-tree-secret-cave type place. It’s actually home to a tower, which is in turn home to a mini-game. We know how much Twink loves his mini-games. Well, it can’t hurt to check it out. Twink climbs up the ladder only to find himself face-to-face with the freaking Zee Fleet guy. Or his skeevy twin. This is like the Big Gay Beedle thing all over again. Leering at Twink with his creepy, mismatched eyes, the proprietor invites Twink to play his target shooting game. Hey, so did Lenzo last night.

This sounds like something that involves hand-eye coordination, which is a big red flag that I’m going to suck at it. However, the prize is a Piece of Ass and, just like in his recent submarine adventure, Twink is way too lazy to come back later. Damn it. Twink reluctantly forks over 50 rupees, wondering how many he’ll end up wasting and having to retrieve from the ocean floor yet again.

The Target Shooting guy cuts Twink’s musings short when, like his clone, he whips out a badly drawn cutout of Gonzo, complete with little pirate flag in the background. Despite his dead eyes, he plays the part quite convincingly, as he includes Gonzo’s infamous jack-off motion in his performance. One wonders how much and what kind of research was involved. Not!Gonzo shit-talks Twink for a while, further wasting his valuable time, before explaining the complicated rules for the game.

Twink must maneuver a massive black cannon into the correct position to successfully sink five barrels — excuse me, “pirate ships.” And I think you know what the cannon represents. So does Twink. Suddenly, this whole shitacular mini-game just got a lot more interesting. To Twink’s vast surprise, he manages to sink the first four barrels on the first try. Never underestimate the power of the penis. Twink gets a little too overconfident on the fifth barrel, but still manages to sink it within the allotted number of shots. Too bad Tingle or Big Gay Beedle isn’t here to see this. Especially since Twink is all hot and bothered now.

Speaking of hot and bothered, the Target Shooting freak jizzes himself over Twink’s masterful performance. Why, he even pulls out his Tetra mask for the occasion. You can almost hear Twink go limp. Giggling in falsetto, TS guy winks, “You’re a talented little kid! …I like you!” Gross. Not that Twink minds roleplay, but an adult man pretending to be an underage girl hitting on an underage boy who likes adult men just doesn’t float his boat. So to speak.

When Twink receives his Piece of Ass, he runs back to Sean as fast as his deformed little legs can carry him. He’d love to play with that large black phallus some more, but not when that scary bastard is checking out his ass.

Twink now has 3183 rupees, which is just enough for him to head on over to Tingle’s Tower O’ Phallic Love. With my shitty luck, I’ll probably run into the Great Sea’s only rupee-stealing rat that learned how to sail its own rupee-stealing pirate ship. Just in case, Twink sells some of his unneeded Chu Jizz to Big Gay Beedle. Hopefully he won’t need that later!

At long last, he has everything he needs for the reunion at the Tingle Penis. It almost makes all those irritating tasks worth it. Almost. In my game I haven’t retrieved the periwinkle Tingle, so the five-way is not a possibility at the moment. Alas. Teleporting to his favorite wang-shaped structure, Twink finds himself all tingly (GET IT!?) as he climbs past all the monster faces carved into the shaft. The sound of grunting greets him at the Tingle head. Oh, rapture!

Tingle, deprived of his favorite young fairy for so long, almost throws himself into Twink’s arms in his desire to “play.” No, really, he even says in the game that he wants to play with Twink. This isn’t just my sick interpretation. He soon realizes that Twink has some business to take care of before they can get to the fun stuff. “Hmmmmm?!?” Tingle overpunctuates. “That fragrant musty scent! Sir! You have found a chart!” Twink suddenly wishes that he had slapped on some more cologne, but Tingle doesn’t seem to be disgusted. Quite the opposite, actually.

He begs Twink to whip out his impressive chart, dancing around in effeminate glee. Though Twink doesn’t make the slightest move, Tingle somehow ascertains through his X-ray vision that the chart is unreadable. “Would you like me to decipher it for you?” Tingle suggests seductively. “…For 398 Rupees?” Once again, Twink makes no move, but you can almost feel his jaw dropping open. What the fuck is this? Tingle wants him to pay to “decipher” his “charts”? And all this time, Twink thought he actually meant something to Tingle. This is an outrage!

Even so, Twink is weak. He needs someone to examine his charts, and he can’t think of anyone better than Tingle for the job. Hating himself, Twink hands over the 398 rupees. At least Tingle treats him to the “Kooloo-limpah” dance. He can’t complain. This dance, combined with something unspecified, causes the charts to “become readable.” Or, rather, “READABLE.”

Now repeat the events of that paragraph seven more times, once for each remaining chart. Whoever programmed this part without an option to decipher all the charts at once should be shot. Repeatedly. At least Twink gets his jollies from Tingle’s constant spinning, flipping, and thrusting. Someone might as well enjoy this. And I don’t want to think about all the other people besides Twink who enjoy it in that way. I want to remain ignorant to the possibility of Tingle fangirls and boys.

Five minutes later, Tingle has expended himself, but he manages to update Twink’s IN-credible Chart with the shard locations. And Twink doesn’t even have to hand over his remaining ten rupees! Holy crap! Tingle explains the mechanics of reading charts and retrieving treasure as if Twink doesn’t have a brain in his pretty little head. And…that’s it. Tingle just stops talking. Twink wonders if he did something wrong. He tries to talk to his spandex-clad pseudo-fairy boyfriend, but Tingle’s all, “Bye! Come visit us again!” Well, fine. Apparently, Tingle’s just not going to put out, even after all that cold hard cash. Twink feels used.

Pissed, Twink jumps off the edge of the penis, not even bothering to use the ladder. He bets Tingle will be really sorry if he falls and breaks his head open. Without a single scratch, making his dramatic gesture fruitless, Twink runs back to Sean Connery, sobbing about that big meanie tease Tingle. Sean Connery promises to take Twink to a male strip club later.

This is where the recap gets boring. Don’t even say it. As Tingle explained just before he shunned our homosexual hero, Twink must go pull up all eight shards from the sea floor. The thing is, this is no different from pulling up any other kind of treasure from the sea floor. So I…don’t really have anything interesting to say about the process.

Just so you don’t feel too disappointed about missing a blow-by-blow recap of Twink’s Triforce-hunting quest, I will provide you with highlights of the experience. The first shard is buried near Gale Island, for that extra “Ha ha, you’ve been here before and the Triforce was here all along!” feeling. Don’t I feel sheepish. The next one, however, is located near a series of seven stone phalluses north of Pimp Daddy Dragon Phallus Island. Twink is not allowed to bask in the penisy power of this “island” until he clears out the horny boats and another annoying-ass Kargaroc Princess. To add insult to injury, the local DickFish gives him the lowdown on Big Octos. Why not tell him all about Valoo and the Phallus of the Gods while he’s at it? Jesus, he and Time Warp Orca need to get together. Not like that. Ew, ew, ew.

Another uneventful retrieval at Greatfish Isle brings Twink to Bomb Island where he attempts to outwit more horny boats by showing up and bravely pulling up the shard right in plain view. Predictably (emphasis on DICK), a bomb knocks Twink into the water just as he penetrates the surface with the grappling hook. What does he need to do to get a break around here? Shit, he’s been at this for three hours already.

And he’s only halfway done. Halfway done as far as Triforce shard numbers, that is. I think I’d kill myself if I had six hours of this shit to recap. But his most time-consuming retrieval tasks are still ahead. I’m sure you can just imagine the look on my face. In the grand tradition of “hide shards where Twink’s already been!” one of them is hidden near one of the triangle islands that Sam visited way back when. In case you don’t remember, one of them is surrounded by scary, soul-raping Seahats. Guess where the Triforce piece is!!!!!!

If Twink couldn’t retrieve the last shard without clearing out a few annoying boats, there’s no fucking way he has a chance of sneaking into this horde of aggressive fish without getting knocked into the water fifteen times before he even reaches the X on the map. Dying a little inside, Twink decides that his best course of action is to destroy them all.

Now, I’m not going to deny that sending those fuckers to a watery grave is therapeutic. Because it is. God, it so is. Unfortunately, it’s not the smoothest process in the universe. Twink’s weapon of choice, chosen through trial and (mostly) error, is the bow. And it takes less time for the Seahat to lock onto Twink and ram him to kingdom come than it does for Twink to get into range, target the asshat, and nock an arrow. Legolas, he is not. If he had any skill at hitting a far-off, moving target, things might be different. I may as well wish for Tidus to be admirable or for Shion to be intelligent.

When Twink defeats every last one of those cocksucking rimjobbers, he not only gets the Triforce shard, but also a conversation with the local DickFish who tells him all about Lenzo the Pictographer. Honey, don’t even act like you know anything. Go to FFVIII-land and give Squally all the info on that hot guy named Seifer, why don’t you?

Cliff Plateau Isles is the home of the next Triforce piece, which Twink retrieves without any trouble FOR ONCE. Then…well, this next one is kind of embarrassing for Twink. He’s lived his entire life on Outset Island and never realized that one of the eight shards of the Triforce of Courage was buried in the ocean nearby. Of course, he never explored all of the land areas of the island either, but that’s not the point. He feels like the gods — and Tingle — are all laughing at his Podunk ass right now.

With no obstacles except for his own shame, Twink dredges up the seventh Triforce shard. One more to go! I’m sure you will not be shocked to find out that the last one is yet another of the time-consuming variety. No way would the game designers cut me or Twink any slack three times in a row. Twink’s next destination is a dangerous place called Three-Eye Reef. Like the place called Two-Eye Reef (the rock formations that resemble the icky girl parts), this is a square-shaped cliff enclosing a series of cylindrical protrusions — in this case, three. Yeah, the shock. Twink has had more than enough of these assnozzles, but yet another herd of horny boats patrols the inside and outside of the area. Like that’s not bad enough, there’s a whole fuckton of penis cannons lining the walls as well. Awesome.

Again, Twink has to waste time clearing out the place if he wants to dig up his shard in piece — and that may or may not be a euphemism. Again, Twink gets blown into the water repeatedly — that may or may not be a euphemism as well. A few minutes later, he’s still alive, he still has bombs, and the reef is clear. As an extra bonus, a treasure chest appears atop one of the cylindrical rocks. Using the Dicku Shit to float over to it, Twink finds another Treasure Chart within. This is his lucky day.

Speaking of exciting, once Twink pulls up the last piece of the Triforce, the Disembodied Item Describer falls all over himself to inform Twink that he found all eight shards and said shards form the Triforce of Courage. NO! That’s what they are?! Well, fuck me. The little menu screen that displays the progress of the Triforce assembly opens automatically to show all eight cracked pieces melding together magically. The mended Triforce showers Twink with golden light.