While the bomb shop owner struggles in vain to get out of his bondage, Mako congratulates Gonzo on “that bit of fast-talking” he pulled on Quill. Because I’m sure it took so much cajoling to get that guy to start chatting. Expositing is only, like, his second-favorite thing ever. Gonzo goes on that he was sure Twink had something to hide back when they met him. Except that when they met him, Twink had no knowledge of the pearls, Ganon, Sean Connery or any of the other freaky shit he’s encountered on his adventures, save the fabulous Helmaroc Queen and Big Gay Beedle. So whatever, ass pirates.

‘I’m so turned on…’

This exploration of Gonzo’s stunning wit and so on continues until Mako mentions how he thinks Tetra and Gonzo should make babies, because those babies would be, like, so freaking smart and piratey. Tetra, hidden from Twink’s POV until now, stops this line of thought in its tracks, since she’s smart enough to know that all these guys are gay and it’s pointless even to discuss such a thing. She further kills her underlings’ mood by telling them that they’re setting sail for Outset as soon as all the bombs are aboard the ship. Gonzo whines for what seems like an hour. Blah blah, we’re hungry, blah blah, buttsex, yadda yadda, “proper layover.” The point is, the ass pirates are tired of swapping around with each other, and would like some fresh manmeat, okay, boss?

Tetra is reluctant to stay, and not because she really wants the treasure. It seems, or so Mako interprets, that Tetra wants to get there before what happened to Greatfish happens to Outset. Of course, she denies doing anything so frivolous as caring about that backwater dump, but we know Tetra is Pure and Good on the inside, so we don’t have to buy her posturing the way her pirate lackeys do.

At this point, Tetra looks up toward the ceiling, thinking about what could happen to all those pigs and people that like to grab them from behind if Ganon cursed their island. When she spots Twink’s head ducking back behind the planks, she tips him an enormous wink and completely changes her mind about hanging around, telling Gonzo and Mako that they’ll set sail “at first light.” We’ll get back to this little detail shortly.

I think it’s ‘Pirates are dumbfucks.’

With nothing between our ass pirates and some NPC Island backdoor action, they all make ready to leave the bomb shop. But Mako, the “brains of the operation,” as it were, asks Gonzo, the moron of the group, what the password is to get back inside their ship. “Mako! Are you serious?” cries Gonzo, who, due to his own spastic gyrations and this new camera angle, looks like he’s whacking off in the middle of the conversation. “You forgot already? You’re so useless.” A little more choking the chicken in front of Mako, Tetra, Asshole Bomb Shop Owner and God, and then he says, “Today’s password is Plankton, yeah? Remember?” Both Gonzo and Mako repeat this password, making sure that this super-secret information is now known to every fucking person on the island, Gonzo jacks it into Asshole Bomb Shop Owner’s face, and the pirates leave. Jesus, I don’t think I’ll ever look at Gonzo the same way again.

Gonzo’s hot spicy boner. (1.75 MB)

Twink, with all the info he needs, now crawls out of hiding and jumps down to the floor of the shop, walking by the still bound-and-gagged bomb shop owner without blinking an eye. Before he invades the ass pirates’ ship, however, he jumps into the water to get on Big Gay Beedle’s Big Gay Boat Ride, which, in the NPC Island area, is a nighttime-only attraction. BGB, as usual, only has bait and Orgasm Pears, leaving Twink all disappointed. Swimming back to shore, he meets up with Sean Connery, floating next to the dock. “What is the matter, Twink?” he asks. “…Have you forgotten the password? It’s simple. It’s Plankton!” He then lectures Twink on not forgetting important information like this. But why bother trying to remember it when your magical talking boat, who was nowhere near the place you overheard it, can just remind you what it is anyway?

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That’s probably enough dawdling on Twink’s part, so now it’s off to the ship. The only way to board it is to jump aboard from Liberace’s dancing spot on the grassy knoll. Apparently Liberace is willing to get groovy day and night, but a little rain drives him right inside to the Eskimo Guy’s lovin’ arms. Anyway, on the deck of the ship, Twink knocks on the cabin door, only to hear a pirate yell, “Who can’t walk the plank?” And then a screen for typing in the password comes up.

Well, fuck me. What was it again?

Just kidding. I type in “Plankton,” but have a moment of panic when I don’t see an option to choose what color the text should be. Oh noes! Turns out it doesn’t matter, as the pirate opens the door. Maybe he’s color-blind. Twink runs downstairs and discovers that his old “pal,” Swabbie Timmy, is again hanging out in the bottom of the ship, and was the one who let him in. Timmy is thrilled that Twink didn’t die in the polished, glittering talons of the Helmaroc Queen, which is apparently what all the other ass pirates told him happened at the Forsaken Fortress. Man, I’m liking these guys more and more with each passing minute, how about you?

So poor Timmy, as the lamest of the ass pirates, is stuck guarding the ship and their new bounty of bombs while everyone else is drinking and having orgies in town. But with Twink here, now they can make out and have fun together! Yeah, dude, that’s totally why Twink is here. To hang out with you.

‘Timmy! Timmy! I’m living a lie! Timmy!’

If you guessed that this is leading up to another ridiculous “test” of Twink’s pirating skills, well, you can have one of Twink’s surplus green Rupees, because you’re exactly right. As Timmy demonstrates, this test is basically like the last one–Twink must jump from swinging lantern to swinging lantern to get to the other side of the hull. The twist this time is that all the safe platforms are now gone, so it has to be all rope-to-rope action. Also, this time there’s a time limit. Yeah, this all spells disaster for my dumb-fingered self.

Of course, I do have incentive to not suck–Timmy says that if Twink can make his way to the other side before the timed gate closes, he’ll get the pirates’ stash of bombs. And in case you guys aren’t quite following along, Twink needs bombs to get into Jabun’s cave. I know the game has been pretty subtle about it.

With a skippy flourish, Twink jumps on the switch to open the gate, and the test begins! I stun myself to speechlessness when I successfully navigate Twink from rope to rope, without falling once, and make it through the gate with plenty of time to spare. I like how I sucked it up on the easy test, but this supposedly harder one was no problem. As a gamer, I guess I’m just an enigma wrapped in a riddle, wrapped in the body of a 12-year-old boy with a tiny wiener.

Timmy gapes at Twink. He whispers to himself, “This isn’t good…I’ve never even passed this test… How could he do it so quickly…? And make it look so easy?!?” It also occurs to Timmy at this point that promising Twink the pirates’ hard-earned stolen weapons might have been, well, a retarded thing to do. But a promise is a promise, and so Timmy gives Twink permission to grab all the big round exploding balls he wants. Oh baby.

After the Disembodied Item Describer tells Twink all about the bombs and how he’ll get to fire them from a new phallic cannon attachment for Sean, Tetra enters the scene via the Emerald of Assitude. And since she’s not physically there, she has to make her presence felt by talking. A lot. First, she yells at Twink for stealing their shit, and makes Timmy feel like a right little dumbass for letting him. Then she spends about a week lecturing Twink on not thinking things through when it comes to saving his sister and shit. Finally, long after my hair has fallen out and I have liver spots, she comes around to the topic of getting to Jabun. Of course, she has to repeat that Jabun is located “in a cave at the back of the island you were born on.” I’m starting to feel like the dumbest person alive, the way they keep telling me the same thing every other scene. Tetra also stresses that the stone slab blocking the cave must be broken down in order to get in. Possibly with bombs. God, someone just kill me right now.

In closing, Tetra reveals some relevant and new plot information, including some exposition about Sean Connery’s secret life as a drag king. Not. Actually, she repeats that she and the ass pirates are going to hang out on NPC Island until morning, and then go to Outset. “If you manage to find Jabun tonight, then I guess you win,” she Einsteins. Following the conversation, Twink takes off without so much as a goodbye to Timmy. By golly, he needs to hurry to Outset! Where he can use his bombs to see Jabun!

Outside, before Twink boards Sean, he notices the red mailbox twitching frantically nearby. The needy thing spits out its letter to Twink, which is from Big Gay Beedle: “It’s time for our semi-annual Big [Gay] Chance Extravaganza! We have a new product that has burst onto the scene: Bombs!!!” Oh Jeebus, the contrivance. Squall and Rinoa’s true love doesn’t have shit on this setup. After skimming the rest of the notice, Twink finds enclosed a second piece of parchment, Big Gay Beedle’s Chart. It shows where all the Big Gay Boat Rides on the Great Sea can be found, so Twink knows where to find all of BGB’s identical gay brothers. Handy.

One quick session of Repeat Everything with Sean later, Twink is whipping out the Wind Wanker and setting the wind to take him southwest to Outset Island. Stunningly, it is still raining and dark and broody all the way there. And it turns out that no sunny day is forthcoming, even if Twink went down on every Big Gay Beedle on the map. I’m sure like me, you all figured out ages ago that this constant darkness and bad weather has a little something to do with Ganon’s curse on Greatfish Isle. Yup, no matter how much Twink sails around, the sun will never rise. Boy, is Tetra’s face gonna be red. Especially if she and the pirates binge drink all night long. Yikes.

Sean is a dumbshit, and only realizes upon their arrival at Outset that morning has not broken yet. No fucking kidding, Sherlock. Given this, Sean figures that now would be a good time for Twink to go catch up with friends and family. I know that they’ve beaten the pirates here without worry and all, but you’d think the eternal darkness and evil spreading across the land at this very moment would give our boys something of a sense of urgency. But nah, that would make sense and not be stupid.

Regardless of the bad logic going on here, Sean won’t hear of leaving until Twink goes and has a visit with everyone, so he immediately runs home to see dear old Granny. But it’s not the joyous homecoming Twink would have liked–Granny seems to not be doing very well. Sniff! The little old lady is sitting in her rocking chair next to the fire, covered in a blanket (with the Triforce stitched into it, natch) and moaning and wailing about Twink and Maryll Sue abandoning her and getting themselves killed out there in the big wide world. Twink soon realizes that poor Granny is so grief-stricken that she’s made herself physically ill. So Twink, M.D., does the only thing he can do–he uncorks one of his bottles and the tiny fairy captive inside floats over to Granny with her fabulous healing powers. (Please note that Twink must L-target Granny to do this correctly, because I don’t want emails from you guys wailing at me for making you fuck up and lose your only fairy.)

‘Granny noticed my oat-cucumber face treatment!’

Seconds later, Granny comes out of her delusional reverie and notices Twink is there. Oh, hooray! Granny is ever so happy to see her sweet little boy back at home, even though he still hasn’t succeeded in bringing back his little sister. “You and your sister, [Maryll Sue], are trying so hard to be strong, and I’ve just been sitting here, moaning and worrying…” Granny says truthfully, but pledges to be stronger and help him out as best she can from now on. Her way of helping turns out to be filling Twink’s empty bottle with Elixir Soup, the golden, creamy concoction she was brewing up at the beginning of the game. This magically refreshing liquid heals all of Twink’s hearts back to full and doubles his attack power until the first time he’s hit. “Now that is one hearty soup!” notes the Disembodied Item Describer. Yeah. Soup. There are two doses per bottle, even. The only down side is that you can only carry one bottle of it at a time, or Granny thinks you’re just gonna get fat off it or something. I don’t know why she thinks that, as it’s obviously full of nutritious protein.

Twink is, like, so happy to have a bottle of his favorite thing in the world to swallow. With new rejuvenation, he sets out to explore the rest of the island. And a good thing he’s so replenished, because the place is now crawling with Chus and little devil guys with spears. Twink fights his way past all these little blighters to the top of the island, and uses the Dicku Shit to fly over the broken bridge to the forest area where he found Tetra. A few new enemies later–including an ugly mass of Fangirl Eyeballs–he uses his newfound bombs to blow up a giant boulder, opening the way to a secret cave. And “secret cave” is a euphemism that Twink can totally get behind. In that way.