Chris, Nash, and Rico walk together to the village entrance, and Fred is so conspicuously missing at this point that I worry his death in the last battle somehow killed him permanently and fucked me out of the good ending. It didn’t, but I’m sitting here being paranoid about it anyway. The whole of Alma Kinan is there to see them off, and Yuiri hands Chris a map to the Flame Champion’s location. “I have no knowledge of what awaits you there,” Yuiri says. “Yun couldn’t even foresee this.” So…did that map just magically draw itself when Yun snuffed it? Or did they know the entire time where he was, and just had to wait for Chris to be ready to see him? Wait, I don’t care. Yuiri thanks Chris, and even smiles, so I guess we’re just forgetting about all that rude shit Chris said about their religion. But Chris replies, “I didn’t mean to disrespect you or your rituals earlier.” No, you absolutely did mean to–nobody uses the words “spiritual mumbo-jumbo” while meaning no disrespect–but I guess this is what passes for an apology from Chris Lightfellow, Follower of Her Own Heart, and Yuiri accepts it. She even offers the blessing of the village for Chris’s journey to the Flameaway. Yuiri waves her arms around in front of Chris’s face in a very figure skaterish fashion, and the blessing is complete. And just as the screen fades to black, Fred comes running up to everyone else. Whew! The blessing is already working.
Holy shit, she’s THIS CLOSE to cracking a smile.
Chris, like Hugo before her, is now free to explore and shop and consolidate her riches before her fateful meeting with the totally alive Flame Champion, whose Flameaway, it should be noted, is perfectly due east of Alma Kinan, with a mountain in between the two. So I bet those ladies knew this whole time where he was. The first order of business, though, is back in Alma Kinan. Chris returns to the inn and finds a tween boy in front of the steps, wearing fancy wizard robes and pretending he is flying on a broomstick. No, I’m serious. His eyes are closed and he’s smiling serenely, like he’s picturing the golden snitch in front of him. Or…other things. Chris asks what he’s doing, and without moving or opening his eyes, the boy, named Rody, tells her to shush. “I’m starting to get it!” he tells her impatiently. Yup, you are going to lift off any second now. Sure.
I’ve helpfully illustrated what Rody is fantasizing about. We’ve all been there, kid.
Chris is not exactly in the mood to humor some kid Boy’s age into thinking he can fly on a fucking broomstick, when he could be doing something useful with his life, like drawing her a bath, or grooming her horse, or braiding her hair. She asks him enough questions about what he’s doing that he loses his concentration and drops to the ground. Whoops, I mean, he remains exactly where he is, because flying broomsticks aren’t real, dingus. Rody finally looks at her and asks what she wants, since he’s in the middle of “magic lessons.” Kid, here’s a lesson: go to a rune shop, buy a rune, and staple it to your forehead. MISCHIEF MANAGED. Chris tells Rody she is “looking for men,” and clearly she needs to keep looking elsewhere. She amends that to “skilled fighters,” and I think she’s still barking up the wrong tree. Just a hunch. “A fighter?” Rody wonders. “My mentor doesn’t engage in combat, per se. But her magic is invincible. She’s the best magician in the world!” Between his hair and his use of “per se,” now I think Rody is one of the South Park vampire kids.
Chris doesn’t have to go far to meet Rody Potter Cullen’s mentor–she’s hanging out inside the inn. Rody promises that she’s super amazing, can actually fly a broomstick (sure), and “even outmatched Crowley, that famous old-timer!” Well, with a quality name-drop like that. I expect some wizened old hag like Hellion, but that’s…not what I get. Appropriately, given her sartorial choices, the camera pans up the seated form of Rody’s teacher, starting with her thigh-high black leather boots, moving on to her red miniskirt, cherry-red talon fingernails, black leather wristbands, barbed wire tattoos, and black-and-red leather halter top with a peekaboo window displaying some side/bottomboob. As for her face: lipstick to match her manicure, a beauty mark that might be fake, heavy smoky eye, and a bob of pale pink hair. It is hard, in that outfit, for the attention to still be drawn to her face, but somehow she’s managed it. It’s like Bette Davis fell down a well, and at the bottom of the well she found a Hot Topic.
No hate. I wish I could pull this off.
Estella here is ostensibly running late for a showing of Rocky Horror, but she takes the time to ask Chris what she wants. She actually readily agrees to join up with Chris, with one caveat: “Find the village of Gordius. Do that, and I’ll come with you.” Chris has never heard of Gordius, so Estella explains, “The village is a legendary counterpart of Alma Kinan and consists solely of males. Its entrance is supposedly located in front of the ritual shrine of Alma Kinan.” She delivers this lie with such unblinking, deadpan seriousness that I almost believe it. And then I realize that a male version of Alma Kinan would be too much fan pandering for even this series. But Chris agrees to look for it. She should just give Hortez VII directions to Alma Kinan, and then he’ll somehow find Gordius by accident, conjuring the place out of whole cloth by virtue of his inability to ever end up where he’s supposed to be.
Chris returns to the Blue Glitter Soul Altar to see about this entrance to Gordius, but only finds a young Alma Kinan girl hanging out on the path. “I’ve never heard of such a thing,” she tells Chris. “All men? My, but it does sound interesting!” I’m trying not to imagine naked lust in the girl’s voice, because she looks about 10 years old. Chris returns to Estella, who now has Rody at her side, still holding his freaking broomstick. Estella asks if Chris found it, Chris tells her nobody around here has heard of it, and then Estella jumps right to, “Oh, really? Then I’ll join your team!” She forgets about Gordius entirely, even when Chris tries to bring it up again. And now I can’t decide if Estella was lying just to yank Chris’s chain, or if she genuinely wanted to find Allman Kinads and just has a short attention span. She ignores all of Chris’s protestations about this forgotten Phallus Haven (and Chris seems into it–maybe she thinks she can send her knights there to get them out of her hair), and asks Rody to introduce himself, as he’ll obviously be coming along too. The two of them join, and all Chris can say is, “Well, Gordius Village…” WE CAN’T GIVE UP, ESTELLA! IT’S OUR DREAM!
A final note on Estella and Rody. Estella is indeed a legit mage and comes with a Rage Rune, and though we’ve established that the Fire Rune family is a use-at-your-own-risk venture in this game, it’s still worth using on her, since she can reach an S in fire magic skill. So that’s all well and good. But then there’s Rody. Estella has equipped her apprentice with two runes: a Wall Rune, which increases his defense but leaves him unable to do anything else; and a Firefly Rune, which forces enemies to attack him. This seems like a good strategy except for the fact that Rody is probably 90 pounds soaking wet and is equipped with a tattered old bathrobe and a broomstick. And let’s be honest, the boy is probably not learning much from this meat shield form of apprenticeship. But somehow, her blatant contempt for her ward’s life makes me respect Estella more. She’s a pathological liar and a sociopath, but she owns it.
Squally swears by his patented dirt-and-worms facial exfoliant.
Estella and Rody are the only other recruits available to Chris–in fact, the only recruits remaining in chapter 3, Geddy’s portion included–so Chris spends her remaining time killing treasure bosses for money, and then blowing as much of that money as possible at Buttfuck Castle, including getting Rody some actual equipment and runes, poor kid. Two hours later, when I’m well and truly sick of absolutely everyone in this party and every single road in Zexen and the Grasslands, Chris guides her entourage to the Flameaway.
Her own employee won’t let her in the Council building. SHE LOOKS SO DIFFERENT!!!
As Chris, Nash, Rico, and Fred enter the mountain cave, Fred wonders about the Flame Champion living here, because it’s so “gloomy.” It’s just another variation on Sarge complaining about the humidity. I’m sure one of Geddy’s companions is going to say something about this being a shithole, too. My money is on Ace. Nash adds, “I doubt if he lives here. Only a hermit would set up house here.” Oh, you mean like a guy who hasn’t been seen in 50 years, and clearly went into hiding because his True Fire Rune incinerated almost everyone he knew? That hermit enough for you, buddy? Nash keeps walking, and Fred, Rico, and Chris stare at him like they can’t believe he’s lived to be 37 without being caught in a bear trap or immolated in a playful gasoline fight.
From here, of course, things aren’t too different. Chris gets to fight the same monsters Hugo did, including the Azzodess treasure boss at the end of the cave. But it passes faster because I let Estella go hog wild with her Rage and Lightning Runes. And Rody only comes out of it kind of singed. After some backtracking from the Azzodess, the party finds themselves at the Sindar teleport rune engraved in the granite. Chris, like Hugo, stupidly steps into the center of the rune, all “DURRRRRR, WHAT’S THIS, LET ME TOUCH IT,” while her companions stare at the walls with their brows furrowed. For this portion, Nash is the Sarge stand-in who yells at Chris just as she disappears in a blue flash. Fred has a hilariously surprised blowjob mouth at all this. He probably thinks Chris is dead.
Chris runs down the pillared, torch-lit hallway and enters the Inner Sanctum of the Flame Champion (hee hee), to find Sana waiting for her. “But you’re the…chief of Chisha Village…” she breathes, since unlike Hugo, she was given no clue that Sana even knew Isaac, let alone that they were A Thing. “That is correct,” Sana says. “But as the wife of the Flame Champion, Isaac, I welcome you.” Sana adds that of course Isaac is “here,” and takes Chris to him. A black screen later, and Chris, face blank, stares at “Isaac” and says, “Oh…” Yeah, that’s about right. “Yes, Chris,” Sana tells her. “He is the one. Isaac, the Flame Champion. My beloved.” But he’s alive and virile and full of magic Getting the Mask to Fuck Off powers, right? Right?!
And here Chris’s final chapter ends, before I even get to see her reaction to Hugo showing up. I feel cheated. Next time, we’ll catch up with Geddy and get him to this critical point as well, but not before a fortuitous meeting with the 14th Unit, a mystery friend of Geddy’s (no, not that one, and not that other one), and (sigh) the denizens of Buttfuck Castle. Until then!