The principals gather at the top of the hill. The ducks are still here, apparently, meaning at least one person has to stay behind. I plead with the screen, “Nash? How about Nash? Can it be Nash?” But Chris is stuck with his ass for the duration here, and everybody else is in pairings, so Fred announces that he and Rico will remain in Chisha in case the Harmonians come back. I’m sure the Harmonians are terrified. Yumi lists each of the remaining people who will be going to Duck Village, i.e., all of them. Thanks, Yumi! As the ducks giggle to themselves about how they’re going to get so much–sorry–tail for bringing famous witches back home, Sana thanks Yun and Yumi for whatever it is they’re doing. Something something spooky ghost powers.

I know this isn’t what he means, but I would still like to be clear that he and Wilder are fooling exactly no one.

For once I dispense with the time-wasting and the party returns post-haste to Duck Village. Rhett is all excited to show off the witch girls, but Yun asks him to keep their identities secret for now, implying that they are too short on time to be goggled at by a bunch of slack-billed duck yokels. Deprived of their chance to introduce everyone to their Canadian girlfriends in the flesh for once, the ducks hurry off to report to the chief and admire his superlative tail feathers. But Hugo knows Sarge’s feathers are really the fluffiest. Can’t stop, won’t stop.

The remaining party members conduct a quick-and-dirty shopping tour of the village before heading to the inn, just as Caesar and Apple are heading out. From their separate rooms. In separate buildings. With a big wall in between. Anyway, Caesar is telling Apple, “Must I repeat myself? He is planning some sort of conspiracy somewhere here in the Grasslands.” I’m guessing “he” is Albert, and Caesar adds that this is the entire reason they’re here at all, so I’m probably right. I doubt he’d come out to the boonies to investigate some unrelated asshole getting up to no good. But Apple is indignant about the whole thing. “You call this milling around investigating? Unbelievable! Remember the last chance you had me take? You know, in that last battle…?” Is she seriously referring to their escape from Buttfuck? What chance did Apple have to take? She was possibly the person least at risk in that entire enterprise. Shut up, Apple.

Caesar pretends to apologize for the agony Apple had to endure in spending two days at Buttfuck Castle–okay, when I put it like that, I get what she’s saying. He turns around, telling her he’s going to find an inn that doesn’t have terrible food (so I guess he’s going to leave town), when he almost smacks straight into Yun. She steps even closer to him, because she mostly hangs out with spirits and they don’t really have the ability to enforce personal boundaries. “Do you want me to tell you where he is?” Yun asks, three inches from his face. Ceasar replies, “Who the hell are you?” Yeah, that’s the only logical way to respond here.

A black screen whisks them all back into the inn and skips over the introductions and explanations. “Hmmmm,” Caesar says to Yun’s infodump. “You came to use me to rescue the Chisha Village according to the prophecy?” Glad that still sounds stupid even when others sum it up. Yun tells him he’s basically right but “slightly off track,” but doesn’t tell him how exactly he’s wrong. Probably her version would sound even dumber. But Apple knows about Alma Kinan, because she’s an egghead who likes her booky-books, and calls Yun a “shaman” who talks to spirits. “You know a lot,” Yumi says. She’ll get her head straight on this issue as they get to know each other better, I’m sure. “But you look like you’re from someplace other than the Grasslands.” This is purely so Apple can name-drop the Toran Republic, of course, so let’s just move on. Yun tells them some unspecified evil is coming for the Grasslands. “If we don’t oppose it,” she says, “expect a disaster so horrific the spirits would shudder.” NOT THAT. But this is all tied together, and she even says by finding “him,” Caesar will end up rescuing Chisha in the process. Well, super. Apple’s all for this. Let’s get moving.

Of course, just to tick more seconds and minutes of my life away, Caesar objects because Apple’s not the boss of him, even though he clearly is intrigued enough by Yun’s tent revival routine and the promise of finding Albert that he was going to say yes anyway. But to convince him further, Apple says, “Be brave, Caesar! There must be something up, because the Zexen Knights are involved too.” Cue awkward pan to Chris, standing with Nash behind Yun and Yumi. Man, even Apple figured this shit out. She may as well be in her armor. Or handing out business cards.

Why are YOU here, you mean.

I have no idea why Chris’s involvement gets Caesar on board with this plan, but he’s on board, and they get ready to leave. Nash and Chris talk about nothing for a couple of minutes, Yun asks for an escort back to Chisha, invading Chris’s personal space the same way she did Caesar’s, and Yumi says to her sister, “Oh, she is your choice, I see.” Choice for what? We’ll see, and by that I mean we won’t really see shit. Yun only replies, “Hee hee,” presumably just to infuriate me. Apple is left behind so she can go make an ass of herself in the Great Hollow, the duck duo rejoins the party at the last moment, and we’re off to Chisha yet again.

Getting sick of this particular part of the map, I have to say. Back in Chisha, Fred, Rico, and Sana are waiting to greet the group. Yun says she’s brought back “defense to protect the village,” leading Fred to look around in a comically exaggerated fashion and ask, “Defend the village? They must be skilled swordsmen. Where are they? Can I meet them?” GET IT, DO YOU GET IT, CAESAR DOESN’T EVEN HAVE A SWORD. Guys, this is the third game in the series, we don’t need to belabor the point that a strategist is just as valuable as the men (and women, Fred) with weapons. Jesus.

Caesar basically ignores Fred, thank goodness, and introduces himself to Sana with more geographical name drops, though he doesn’t use his own last name. “If you and these baboons cooperate,” he tells Sana, while staring placidly at Fred, “I can easily defend the village for you.” Nice. Fred takes umbrage to the word “baboons,” only for Caesar to straight-up gaslight him and say he never said that. Meanwhile, Chris somehow walked here with these guys all the way from Duck Village and yet this is the first she’s hearing about Caesar’s occupation. I know she’s taciturn, but that is a long walk, and Caesar loves talking about himself. Caesar admirably filters out all the bullshit he doesn’t want to hear and asks “the rest of you macho guys” to gather down the hill. Even though this is clearly more shade at Fred, Chris is all, “What about me? Hello, I have a vagina, honest,” but Caesar just walks away. I want him to be my life coach.

Yeah, FRED.

As the impending battle percussion ramps up, Caesar tells the assembled, underwhelming troops that they only have to hold on long enough for “the auxiliary troops” to arrive. Chris still would like to hear a strategy other than “stall,” but Caesar’s only stated plan is to drive away waves of enemies in a bottleneck at the front gate. When we know already that flying insects are part of the Harmonian retinue. Check. Caesar says he’ll arrange the battle units–meaning I arrange the battle units, I believe for the first time. There’s not much to work with, obviously, but I find it funny that Sana is a support character. That’s…sort of still pacifism? I suppose?

The army battle that follows is pretty simple. Three units, headed by Chris, Nash, and Fred, form a blockade at the village entrance. The staging is actually pretty funny, since usually these battles are on a large scale, and this one is basically taking place on one tiny hill. Chris must survive for, again, “__x__ turns,” and the Harmonians must not enter the “base area” on the map. Everyone is still wary of Caesar’s “plan,” but he keeps telling them not to sweat it. Dios shows up a moment later with three other Harmonian units represented by a thumbnail of the Circle Rune, since the troops themselves have no faces of their own. Dios says to no one, “This is the Chisha Village? It hardly seems worth inclusion in the Six Clans.” Dude has some unreasonably high standards for inclusion in the Six Clans. The ducks are in that club. And some clan we never even meet–that’s how shitty they are. I assume the Carna Clan only got thrown out because 50 years ago, Yun’s grandma had a premonition about Franz’s birth, and the other clans decided to distance themselves in advance.

What can I say? He’s got his priorities straight.

The first few turns are bloody–I may not have done the best job arranging my units–but still go reasonably well for the Chisha Defense Squad. It helps that the only Portrait Person involved here is Dios, and he doesn’t even fight–his unit is just four faceless Harmonian abominations. After three or four turns, though, Sasarai appears at the village entrance, accompanied by Albert. Dios reports to his twink boss, “It seems they have enlisted quality assistance. It’s time to conduct a swift routing of their forces.” Not that he’ll be getting in the fray. He might chip a nail. Sasarai tells him not to go too far, like Dios is Borus and is going to start murdering Chishan younglings left and right. Come on.

And speaking of going too far, on his first action, Sasarai uses a Lightning Rune to straight up murder Fred’s entire unit. Well, Fred’s unit at this point is just Fred anyway, but still. Not cool, man. My two remaining units hold up just fine as they sit and defend, but two turns later–stop me if you know what I’m about to say–Franz and the mantor trainers pop up behind the defense line. Who could have foreseen this?!

Oh my.

Well, everyone, obviously, but more importantly, Caesar did. “Don’t panic,” he tells the panicking Chris and Fred. “Chief Sana, proceed as planned.” Sana calmly gives a signal, and suddenly the area around the mantor trainer units bursts into flames. They freak out and retreat. At first I think Sana just set her own village on fire to keep the Harmonians from claiming it, which would be incredibly fucking metal, but Caesar explains, “The smoke is from a mixture of manure and dry wood, burned together with shibami grass. Mantors detest the smell. Heehee.” Oh, you adorable boy scout.

Dios is in the middle of calling the mantor trainers useless– not wrong–when a Harmoniaclone alerts him to yet another problem. Another unit appears to the east of Chris, led by Hugo. By way of introduction, Hugo, Sarge, Mua, and Hallec shout their incredibly sad battle cries, and the Harmonians exchange entirely too many words about why they are retreating before actually doing so. The Chisha Defense Squad doesn’t earn a victory plus, but I totally do not feel like doing that again just to save Fred of all people.

Following the battle, we get a slightly different take on the deeply awkward meeting between Hugo and Chris, but not so different that I feel like making a thing out of it. Semantically different, mostly. I have no idea if my choice to have Hugo pepper Chris with questions affects the fact that he does so here as well, or if this scene would have played out this way regardless. I don’t actually care. Nash is talking about shades of gray again so I just want this to be over. Christ almighty, is he a smarmy bag of dicks.

Once Hugo is off getting comforted by a firm duck penis elsewhere, Nash and Chris, back at the top of the goddamn hill, hash out what that was all about. Chris tells him, “I killed his friend during the Zexen Knights’ attack on the Karaya Village. He’s still angry.” I know! He needs to get over that shit, like, yesterday. Not because I care if Hugo is mad at Chris–she genuinely needs at least one person in the universe to dislike her–but because it was Lulu. Enough. “There are plenty of unwanted deaths in war,” Nash agrees, in his patronizing way. “Even a skilled fighter is likely to have quite a toll.” Chris replies, wearily, “Yes, I know…” because Nash is acting like this is her first murder rodeo.

There’s no way this won’t be some variant of ‘Bitch back off my man.’

Before Nash can keep giving me a migraine, Sarge and Yun come up the hill toward the pair. Sarge wants to talk, but mostly, he wants to apologize for his boyfriend being too young and sweet and naïve to know how the world works. But he isn’t a cock about it like Nash just was. Chris says, “That’s all right. He has every reason to hate me.” This would all be so much easier if Lulu hadn’t been a terrible character. I mean, they can’t have intended him to be, when the story requires us to be all upset about his death, right? Since this is the same game that made me recruit a literal pedophile, and keeps trying to convince me that Franz has a soul, I’m going to assume they just don’t have the best handle on sympathetic characterization. Anyway, Sarge underscores my point by telling Chris, “To be honest, I wouldn’t mind avenging Lulu myself.” Oh, you would too. He always insisted on joining your slumber parties with Hugo–that had to be annoying.

But then. But then! When Chris is like, “Okay, why not do it, then?” because she knows he wouldn’t, Sarge asks what I’ve been dying for someone to ask Chris, “Did you really kill the Lizard Clan’s chief?” Unfortunately, where an actual innocent person would respond, “What? NO!” Chris instead says, “What do you mean?” What do you mean, what does he mean? Jesus. It’s a straightforward question. But Sarge gets the right idea anyway. “You know, the chief of–oh, I get it,” he says. “It must’ve just been a rumor. Can’t believe everything you hear, I guess.” That may as well be the tagline for this game. Suikoden III: Can’t believe everything you hear, I guess.