If you were wondering what Yun had to do with this conversation, the answer is nothing. She just tried as long as possible to be polite. “You, from the Duck Clan,” she says. “Are you done talking?” Ha! Sarge, to his credit, doesn’t get snippy in return, as he’s satisfied with what he heard from Chris, and waddles off to check on his man. Yun gets straight to the point: she wants Chris to accompany her to Alma Kinan. Chris doesn’t want to leave the village in the middle of the battle, so at least we know she considered that a problem at one point. Not Yun, though! “The other part of our purpose in coming here was to invite you to our own village.” Fuck you, Chisha! Chris asks, again reasonably, why it needs to be her, and Yun again provides a non sequitur of an “answer”: “This is the second to last task I must perform, Chris.” If that isn’t enough of an anvil for you, I’ll just hit you straight in the face with the full truth: Yun has a heroic destiny that will require her to sacrifice her life. Wait. Yun…a…Yuna. Holy shit! I hope her final task isn’t having sex with Nash in a pond while Hallec watches.

Yun(a) tells Chris that she can clue her in about her dad “once we reach my homeland.” Yeah, or she could just tell her about him now. There is literally nothing stopping her from doing so. But she needs something to hold over Chris’s head to get Chris to her village, at which point she will turn her into a fayth and summon the Final Aeon. While Chris is still hemming and hawing, Caesar comes up to basically tell her to leave. “I managed to persuade them,” he adds, “but they’ll eventually discover you’re the Zexen hero, Chris Lightfellow.” Who down there doesn’t know this already? Hugo and Sarge know. Sana seems to know. Rico knows, and Fred only doesn’t because he’s an idiot. FUCKING APPLE KNOWS. Whatever. I guess the Chishan Suikoclones are still in the dark. “In the Grasslands,” Caesar goes on, “they call you the Ironhead Chief.” I’m sure she prefers that to Silver Maiden. Who wouldn’t?

‘But we can leave, it’s cool. Fate will just deliver some new asshole here anyway.’

After a Black Screen of Who Cares about the Harmonians, Chris Needs Her Daddy, Sana is thanking Chris for her assistance and everyone present is simultaneously acknowledging Chris’s specific hand in saving the village and acting like leaving before the village is in the clear is totally fine. Yumi says, “Shall we move on? We will be crossing the force field and we must not stray.” Sounds totally safe and legit. Chris and Nash follow the AK girls out of town, and after a beat we see Fred and Rico following them, the latter consoling the former about missing out on the impending battle. It’s not like they couldn’t just stay here if they wanted to. But Fred thinks that, by riding the pristine white coattails of the Silver Maiden, they’ll get to earn glory in an even bigger battle. Not wrong! The bigger battle part, I mean. Fred will not be earning any glory.

The way to Alma Kinan runs, of course, through Kuput Forest. These girls aren’t wearing green forest nymph pinup girl dresses for fun. Well, they’re cute outfits, so maybe they are. On the eastern edge of the forest, the party takes the fork opposite the one leading back to Chisha, this one heading northwest. There’s no possibility of getting lost because Yun won’t let Chris go back toward Duck Village. Probably for the best. Yumi explains, “Here is where the protective barrier begins. Don’t wander off, or you’ll be stuck in the forest.” Fred asks if this is “some kind of magic,” like it would be anything else. It’s not like there’s a fucking brick wall here. Yumi frustrates me by answering, “Could be. Some call it that.” There’s being mysterious and then there’s just being an inscrutable pain in the ass for no reason. These girls are veering sharply into the latter territory. Fred is fine with this answer, though, and leads the way. Yumi asks Yun, “We didn’t invite him, did we?” Does that matter? Because they didn’t invite Nash, either, and I’d like both of them to wander the forest for a few months until they have to resort to eating each other. But Yun says it’s fine, because, “We haven’t had guests for ages.” I never get nice things.

The party treads carefully down a giant log, deeper into the forest. Yumi announces, “A force field starts here.” I thought it started back there? Whatever. The non-AK members of the party look around with stupid expressions. I realize that they are literally looking for the force field, and smack my forehead with my palm. “A force field?” Chris asks. “I don’t see anything.” DURRRRRRRRRRRRR. God, I thought Chris was better than this. But Yumi explains, “This is it. Usually, you return to where you started from. Its power has weakened lately, though.” I didn’t bother dicking around in this forest with Hugo long enough to see this, but it’s true–he and Geddy can never get further than that log, and will just keep walking up and down the thing, like they’re stuck in Groundhog Day. As for the weakened force field, let’s just chalk that up to blatant-ass foreshadowing.

On the next screen, the party is greeted by a gaggle of other brunette women in green miniskirts. Yun says hi to their chief, Yuiri, who has her hair in some kind of top knot, but it’s also a side pony. A side knot. I don’t know. Yuiri–who has a level of resting bitchface that puts Franz’s to shame–casually asks if Yun found “her.” You get no prizes for guessing who that means, and Yun doesn’t even bother to hide it, immediately introducing Chris to her other sister. Yuiri allows herself a small smile at meeting someone who looks as dour as she does, and welcomes Chris to Alma Kinan.

Chris tries to be gracious about all this but would still like to know what the hell is going on here. “Surely, my dear,” Yuiri replies, like she’s Sana’s age and not fucking 28. “But that would take longer than I have at the moment. I’m preparing for one of our rituals. Would tonight be soon enough?” I’m so sure she is going to have all her questions answered at that point, too. But it’s a start, at least, so Chris agrees to it. But Yun is barely done inviting herself to this meeting, lest anybody forget for five seconds that she is special, when Nash flips around, eyes narrowed, snapping, “Who’s that?!!” Hopefully it’s Santa Claus, here to gift Chris and me with some fucking answers for once.

Nope! It’s Yuber. He teleports in, seemingly just to demonstrate that the Alma Kinan force field is a joke. He congratulates Nash on being “on the ball,” while I laugh derisively. Nash smiles at him and replies, “I make a good spy.” WINK. Yuber ignores this and approaches Chris, who whips out her sword. Yuiri, next to her, also draws her bow and spits at Yuber, “You, you are not human!” No kidding. No mere mortal could plait a fishtail braid that perfectly.

‘Like an unsanded glass dildo.’

Yuiri asks what Yuber wants and how he got past their barrier, questions I do not expect Yuber to dignify with a response, but I guess he’s feeling chatty today. “I sensed something amiss…” he says, “a disturbance in the space continuum. I figured someone was using an invisible force field. All I had to do was find a weak spot in the barrier, and voila! Here I am!” I enjoy that Yuber’s magic powers are only limited by what the writers feel like letting him do. There is no rhyme or reason of any kind, and I can respect how they just don’t give a fuck. But Yuber wants to get down to business now: “I know that there just happens to be another True Water Rune Seal here. Could you explain this to me?” And now I’m picturing a mall store in the middle of the forest that sells distressed denim shorts and crop tops to all the teen girls in Alma Kinan. True Water Rune Seal: If you’re sick of green corsets and fur trim. This is the dumbest thing I’ve ever let escape from my brain.

I expect Yuiri, who seems smart, to be all, “Tee hee, what’s a True Water Rune Seal?” But she instead growls, “Who told you…?” You just did, girl. Yuber indicates that he got the intel from a dead person, which a) totally horning in on Yun’s territory, and b) look, another power Yuber doesn’t really need to have! The group surrounds Yuber, and Yuiri rounds out the battle party. She is a badass with a Wind Rune and a Killer Rune and is very welcome.

Okay, now we KNOW we’ve stumbled into Final Fantasy X.

To my extreme surprise, not only does the party defeat Yuber, but they make it look pretty easy. It helps that Nash cuts off Yuber’s Lightning Rune spell chant two separate times, and that Yuiri and her Killer Rune plonk him for nearly 500 damage more than once. But still! The last time six people faced off with Yuber, it did not go well. And let’s not act like this group is all ringers. Rico didn’t do shit. “You cheating worms…” says Yuber, kneeling in the dirt. “No matter. I know where this village is now. Things will be different next time.” He knows where you live! He and the Mask are coming back tonight with two cartons of eggs and a 24-pack of Charmin.

Once Yuber is gone, Chris demands that Yuiri tell her “who or what” he was, when it couldn’t be more obvious that Yuiri doesn’t know either. “One of the destructive forces Yun was talking about,” she answers. Oh, whatever. If a moth flies into their bedroom tonight, and Chris traps it in a jar, Yun will say that moth was the destructive force of Yun’s prophecy, too. But Yuiri promises to explain all this later, and for now asks Yun and Yumi to show their guests around Alma Kinan. “I will be at Great-Auntie’s,” she adds. Takes a bit away from the mystery of the magical forest when one of the Lost Girls says she’s going to “Great-Auntie’s” for tea and crumpets.

Whoa, slow down, little Hugoette.

Back on the world map, a line extends from Kuput to Alma Kinan, I guess just so I’ll be able to use the Blinking Mirror from this place later. Thanks, game! The village ends up looking a bit more like a fortress than I was expecting, mostly thanks to the high wooden wall surrounding the place, complete with sentry towers bookending the gate. Why do they need this level of security when they have a magic goddamn force field normally protecting them? Within the walls are several rustic log cabins, and Yumi admits that they will probably find this place mad boring. Because all the villages our heroes have visited so far have been so interesting.

No, Borus and Percy have not claimed Alma Kinan as their secret ‘training’ spot.

Alma Kinan is, sure enough, a sleepy little nothing of a village, though there are two points of intrigue. First, a woman guarding another exit out of the village tells them about the “most sacred ground in the village” and warns them not to gum it all up with their gross outsider hands. Second, there are no men here. Literally no men, except for Nash and Fred now, and one recruit we’ll meet in a bit. So where are all the dudefolk and their clan-propagating penises? In front of the home of the three girls’ great aunt, Fred, frowning pensively, finally asks about it. “I haven’t seen a single man in this village? Why is that? Have they all gone to battle?” Sigh. Fred, Fred, Fred.

Both Chris and Yumi give Fred this look that should wither his balls to dust on the spot, if only he were to recognize it. “This is the village of Alma Kinan,” Yumi patiently explains. “The Shaman Clan of the Grasslands lives here. We are all women.” But even Chris and Nash wonder at this, Nash calling it an “odd custom” as if it’s an annual basketweaving festival and not the total absence of an entire sex. That is not a “custom,” sir. Yumi’s all, “Oh, really?” because she’s great and sees nothing strange about the refreshing lack of dicks of any kind. “I’d like to know why,” Nash asks. I’m more interested in the “how,” personally. But Yumi says, to Nash’s question and likely to mine, “It’s better not to know.” Okay then! I’ll just be over here, speculating wildly.

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Yun goes inside, leaving her charges to tour the rest of the village themselves, which takes all of five minutes. Chris still wants to know, “Why on earth are we here?” But Yun ignores her, since “I’m stringing you along to fuck with your head” is not an answer likely to satisfy the Silver Maiden. Chris sighs wearily–she is way too tired of this shit to be icy–and walks around a bit more. Eventually she winds up at the inn and decides to re–wait, why does this village even fucking have an inn?

These ladies have a bizarre donkey fixation, and I’m trying hard not to associate it with the above poll question.

Because I need to save, that’s why. I’m going to just be happy for the opportunity and not give this any more thought. Chris collects a cake recipe from an old lady in the lobby that she is assured is “the best” despite these people having almost no contact with the outside world. Maybe their cake is the fucking worst, is all I’m saying. Nothing about this village makes sense, except for their super legit decision to not have any men around. Like, I’m sure the Zexen Knights would find this place horrifying, but I’m down with it. I mean, assuming Alma Kinan has the Internet and Idris Elba exists in this universe.

After a nap at the inn, the party returns to the great aunt’s house, and Yuiri asks them all to make themselves comfortable. But after a black screen, the three AK girls are sitting with only Chris and Nash. They probably put Fred in the backyard with some Legos. Chris and Yuiri prattle about mostly nothing for a minute–this village is cut off from the outside world! Chris is used to speaking her mind frankly!–until Chris has to ask YET AGAIN what the fuck she is doing here, and what is going on with Yuber, the True Water Rune, and the Flame Champion. “And my daddyyyyyyyyyyyy,” she doesn’t have to add. It’s all a rich, interwoven tapestry, don’t worry.