And with that, it’s time for the long-simmering showdown between the 12th and 14th Units. Which is to say, an actual battle, and not Geddy and Duke touching wieners. The key here is to wipe out Gazongas first, so she can no longer make use of the Water Rune embedded between her tits. She makes this a bit easier by taking her action before anyone else has even moved and blowing one of her Kindness Rain spells. Of course, my key to the battle is lame and wrong anyway, since everything lines up just right for Geddy to take out all three of the 14th Unit men with one blinding bolt of lightning, leaving Gazongas standing there with her thumb up her ass.
When the battle is over, most of the 12th Unit walks by as the members of the 14th Unit pant and gasp on the ground, and not one of them does so in a way where I can take a screencap that makes it look like Duke is getting humped. Sigh. As he follows Ace toward the altar, Geddy apologizes for the embarrassing beatdown Duke just suffered, but notes that they’re “in a hurry.” Ouch. Gazongas, in between heaving, breast-jiggling pants, mutters, “Maybe I should switch teams….” Of course when someone in this series finally says that, it’s a woman. Of course.
Hoo boy.
Inside the Altar of Man Love and Highly Suggestive Pillars, the Mask is fussing at what appears to be an ancient, ceremonial chocolate fountain. He tells Sarah, “We must’ve been looking in the wrong place. Maybe the Flame Champion knew all along that we’d get into this predicament. But he couldn’t have…” The Mask made it all the way to the altar and he forgot to bring the strawberries and pound cake, didn’t he? That’s just bad planning. When Sarah says whatever they’re doing with the chocolate fountain isn’t going to be easy, he snits back, “I knew that before we started.” He really should have just gone with the ice cream sundae bar.
‘Tell Duke to fetch my fondue forks.’
“Then… Should we go back?” Sarah asks. “Do you want to deal with them?” By them, she means, without even turning around to see them, the 12th Unit, who are standing there waiting for answers, only slightly less dopily than Hugo and pals did in a similar situation. Ace duhs to Geddy, “It looks like he’s discovered what we’re up to.” Joker replies, speaking for me, “Well, it was pretty obvious. He’s not stupid.” Well, he’s certainly not the dumbest person in the room right now.
Geddy and the Mask step toward each other, but leave a short distance between them, like they’re at the OK Corral. “Bishop,” Geddy asks with a thin veneer of politeness, “would you tell me what this has to do with the search for the Fire Bringer?” The Mask is obviously here to admire the phallic adornments of the Altar of Man Love, and maybe light some incense, but he keeps this close to the vest and responds, “I don’t have to tell you. But you should tell me: what are you people doing here?” Um, finding out what this has to do with the Fire Bringer? Come on, man, pay attention. When Geddy says precisely this, the Mask wants to know if they were following him, and Geddy’s all, “Yes,” like a fucking boss. The Mask follows up with, “Don’t you truuuuuuust meeeeeee?” echoing every cheating boyfriend ever. Geddy stares him down with his one good eye and replies, “Who can trust a man that doesn’t reveal himself?” That’s right. Everyone, drop your pants.
“You have a point,” the Mask concedes, and then claps his hands to start the orgy. Sigh, no he doesn’t. “So? Do you really want to know what I’ve been up to?” Geddy does, in fact, want to know, and this leads the Mask to step to the side, swish his pretty green duster, and clap his hands to start the…boss battle. Man.
This can be a very hard fight to win. The Mask and Sarah are both incredibly powerful spellcasters, which in the case of the former is another SUPER SUBTLE HINT, but thanks to her water magic it’s prudent to try to take out Sarah first. On my second attempt to win and get the most interesting story result, FOR YOU GUYS, Sarah inexplicably uses her first turn to try, and fail, to smack Geddy with her staff, instead of jamming giant icicles up his ass like she normally would.
WHO IS THIS GUY?!
This massive lapse in judgment on Sarah’s part means that our heroes have the opportunity to witness the Mask use his Enigmatic Rune of Impossible Mysteries to summon a green dragon that matches his clothes to heal himself and wreak havoc all over their faces. And they even survive it! Making it to another turn allows them to finish off Sarah and affords them a glimpse at the Mask’s second use of his Slightly More Obvious Rune of DURRRRRRRRRRR, which is a fairly standard, if powerful, use of the Shredding, a flurry of cyclones and a staple spell of the Wind Rune. One massive overcompensation of a lightning bolt later, the Mask flops to the ground next to his non-girlfriend.
With Geddy and his companions still in fighting stance, their triumphant scowling bitchfaces set firmly in place, the Mask can say nothing but, “You’re awfully stubborn.” I am! I could have just given up when Sarah killed half the party in one hit. Oh, he means Geddy. Well, either way, the Mask can’t just stand around here all day shooting the shit with a bunch of closeted mercenaries–he’s got a schedule to keep. So he raises his hand with a dramatic slow-motion whoosh, and the frame cuts to Joker, who breathes, “This is the True Wind…” Ace probably just farted. And cut back to the Mask, who again uses the No Fucking Shit It’s the True Wind Rune, enveloping our heroes in cyclones once more, but somehow not blowing out any of the phallic torches in the cave. When the dust has settled, the 12th Unit is looking distinctly less menacing and more exhausted, and Sarah and the Mask are gone.
They all agree to head back to town. After Geddy has made the trek all the way back to the entrance, miraculously without the interruption of any random battles, Ace asks what they should do with this new information they have. (That is to say, basically none.) Aila immediately replies, “I want a soda.” Everyone turns toward her with comically tilted heads and blank stares, and then to Ace, like whatever comes out of his mouth next has a good chance of being even dumber. But he stays silent for now while Joker and Queen sum up the situation: they just wasted a bunch of time in the land of the Bug Brigadiers, had a confrontation with a bishop with a super well-hidden identity, and now have nothing to show for it because nobody in this game can make heads or tails of what is happening. Then, as if no one had interrupted her, Aila enthuses, “Mmmmm, sweet, refreshing soda.” It almost feels pointless to imply that she’s been drinking booze this whole time. Of course she has.
At least she’s among the right-thinking people who don’t call it ‘pop.’
Out of nowhere, Jacques chimes in, “Sounds good to me too.” Well, what the fuck are we waiting for? Soda! Soda soda soda!
Before getting the children their wine coolers, Geddy returns to Le Buque to check in on Iku, but she repeatedly babbles the same oddly non-specific line about Franz “causing trouble” like she’s never even met them before. After hitting the shops and trainers again, Geddy next returns to Mt. Senai to fight a treasure boss now residing in front of the Altar of Man Love. No, it’s not a life-size version of the Hex Doll from earlier, though it totally should be. Instead, they find a being called Nemesis, but he really looks like Doctor Manhattan wearing samurai armor. So very, very close to tailoring this boss properly to the Altar of Man Love, only to fall tragically short. Doctor Manhattan is wielding a staff with a very suggestive head on the end, though.
Careful, you might put Geddy’s other eye out with that thing!
The Doc doesn’t prove to be anywhere near as difficult as the prior treasure bosses, and goes down in a few rounds thanks to Geddy’s lightning and Ace not missing with his sai like he does 95 percent of the time. Among the spoils in his big white chest are another script for stupid Nadir and an unappraised statue that will hopefully turn out to be naked and muscular. Oh, who am I kidding, it will.
On the way back to Caleria through the mountain pass, Ace stops the group to get something off his chest. No, he’s not coming out and giving Joker the engagement ring he got from the treasure boss. Rather, Ace would like to know what the hell is going on with the Mask and all this Fire Bringer bullshit, because Geddy clearly knows something. Geddy goes, “Tell you what?” with, I’m sure, the most sarcastic fake-innocent eyelash flutter ever. Joker comes forward to address Geddy as well, and though I expect him to jeer at Ace for being so nosy, he actually takes his man’s side. “As mercenaries, we don’t usually ask for explanations,” he says. “We’re free to take up whatever work we want. We trust you, Captain. But there are too many strange things going on. You must know something.” That sounds an awful lot like, “You’re weird. Can’t you talk to your Weird Dudes Club and get the dish?”
Of course, Geddy does know more than they do. But he tells them after a long, weary sigh, “I’m not even sure myself. But there’s one thread that ties everything together.” After Queen Shions, “Thread?” he goes on, “It’s the man they call the Flame Champion ‘Isaac’….” Aila figures he’d be dead, since he was a hero from “days gone by.” Well, she paid attention to history lessons better than Hugo did, I guess. For once, Aila is more informed than another person. Queen confirms that he lived 50 years ago, and while we’re going over information already presented to us by other characters, Geddy recites, “The Flame Champion ‘Isaac’ possessed the True Fire Rune, one of 27 True Runes.” And Aila, a goddamn rune user whom I was just praising for knowing something for once ever, cocks her head as she does and asks, “27 True Runes?” Shoot me. She looks to Ace for help with this concept, but Ace looks to Joker and asks the “old man” to make with the exposition. I have a feeling Ace really pays for all these “old man” comments every night.
Joker suppresses his annoyance at his paramour and dutifully exposits, “The power to control the world rests with the 27 True Runes. Those who possess the True Runes have great power and immortality.” He goes on with a name-drop: “For over 15 years, it was thought that the leaders who had built [Yaoi] had inherited the Runes.” Wait, like, all 27 of them? I don’t think Barry has enough tasteful spots on his body for that many runes. He draws the line at three on his penis. Joker adds, with a wink to Ace so slight that only those who ship them could see it, “By the way, I’m no ‘old man’.”
Aila, for her part, only finds this story interesting because the holders of these runes from Joker’s name-drop defeated “Chief Lucia,” so they must be insanely badass. “I always thought it was strange that Chief Lucia lost as she did,” she says, narrowing her eyes. “Now I know the truth: they cheated.” Oh my God, Aila, go sit in the corner.
Queen, as it feels like she’s been doing this whole recap, sums up: “The Champion still lives. Harmonia still fears him. That masked man wants to find the hero. There you have it.” Geddy is noncommittal about this version of things, but he doesn’t tell her she’s wrong, either. But it’s Jacques who asks the million-potch question: knowing all this, what are they going to do? “Are we going to go find the Flame Champion for Harmonia?” That seems like a seriously shitty idea, but they do kind of work for Harmonia. Ace repeats that they have an order to “find the True Rune.” Thinking altruistically as always, he wonders, “If we catch him, we deserve a bonus, right?” Geddy just goes, “I guess,” because the only way to get Ace on board with an idea is to wave naked Joker potch in front of his face. As Geddy contemplates how much he wants to murder all his friends, the scene fades to black.
Well, it turns out Geddy was actually daydreaming about a moment from his past, back when he had cooler friends. In the dark somewhere, in front of a roaring bonfire, Geddy, who looks exactly as he does now, says, “I can’t tell if we’re being cursed or blessed, but I have faith in this world–as long as even the slightest trace of the truth remains in the world.” And in case the bonfire wasn’t enough of a raging clue, one of the people he’s talking to is none other than the Flame Champion, looking all twinky with feathers in his headband. Nice, Geddy, you old dog. “Goodbye, my friends,” Isaac says, confirming at least one other person is there. “Forgive me for not being able to go with you.” The third member of their apparently breaking-up threesome remains hidden by the flames as this scene fades as well. Intrigue!
That brings us to the end of Geddy’s second chapter. Join me in part 12, where we will return to Hugo and his friends as they finally get around to visiting Buttfuck Castle. I’m sure no one involved will act stupid. Until then!