Outside, Ace lets me the team know what route they’ll be taking to Le Buque, and Queen tells him he’d better not get them lost, because Ace can’t find his own ass without GPS. “Would I do that?” he replies defensively, and adds, “Now, let’s go, you slackers.” Continuing the comparisons to Tightass that I didn’t really want to make, as he says “slackers,” Ace crouches and pumps his fist like he just scored the winning goal for the Zanarkand Abes. Joker and Geddy stare impassively at him for a moment, and then walk away without a word while Ace is still crouching there like a tool. He too-casually walks to catch up with them in a feeble attempt to save face, and as Jacques brings up the rear, the girls hang back and roll their eyes at Ace looking like a dumbass.
Poor Ace. (Not really.)
The northern mountain pass to Le Buque is another branch in the mountain paths the Geddy Gang used to reach Caleria, so it’s back there for more battles with Dragonairs, Dragonites, and veiny purple one-eyed monsters. Where the Twin Snake once stood, the road forks twice–one path leads back to Grassland, and one to Le Buque. Complicating matters, the Twin Snake, departed forever to Phallic Boss Monster Heaven, has been replaced by a brick-red Rock Golem with, yes, a disproportionately large, girthy, and suggestive right arm. It is possible to get by the Cock Golem without entering combat, but where’s the fun in that?
This boss can be a bit challenging since, at any given time, he can use a level 4 Fire Rune spell, also known as a Big Fucking Flaming Rock. This can potentially wipe out the squishiest members of the 12th Unit (i.e., everyone except Geddy). This is bad enough, but it also doesn’t help when I forget the cardinal rule of Suikoden III gameplay: the Fire Rune is an asshole. Oh sure, the Cock Golem can cast Big Fucking Flaming Rock without taking any damage himself, but the second Joker does it, all his friends fall over and die! Well, FINE. On the second try, after running all the way back from Caleria again, I keep Joker away from his Asshole Rune and let Geddy do all the magical damage leg work, while Aila and to a lesser extent Queen do their womanly duty and heal the menfolk. Ace “contributes” by somehow missing a gigantic golem with his sad little sai. The Cock Golem, after still nearly killing the 12th Unit a second time, joins its friends in Phallic Boss Monster Heaven, leaving a tantalizing treasure chest behind. The chest, among other boring things like medicine, contains nearly 90,000 potch, a set of Blood Armor (ooh, dangerous!), and a Beautiful Kennel for Koroku, so he can sleep outside and freeze his balls off in style.
*insert lame Hellboy reference*
The way is now clear to Le Buque, but I love traversing the mountain pass so much that I steer Geddy back toward Grassland so he can stimulate the Buttfuck Castle economy with his newfound wealth. He’s a job creator! And the first person he decides to bless with a job is a young lady outside Ass Castle. Oh. Not like that.
Lady Chris was the first person to meet Belle, the girl who desperately needs a screw. Just one! If it’s not obvious by her hideous clown outfit–which includes pink clogs with pointed toes, striped culottes, and teal bells on her collar–and the fact that she looks more or less exactly like Meg, she is Meg’s daughter. Belle is 13 years old, so a little arithmetic tells me Belle was born when Meg was the ripe old age of 18. Cutting it a little fine there, writers. I’d rather not think about who Meg’s no-doubt reluctant babydaddy is, but now the thought has wormed its way into my brain and I can’t get it out.
Loading ...Sadly, Belle has not found a single good screw yet, and is still banging away (hee) at a barrel sitting on the ground. Which, I’m sure, is just a barrel. Obviously. She tells Geddy that she’s busy and to stop standing over her from behind like a creep. When Geddy points out that her barrel, which has steel bands and spikes on top, is “strange,” Belle replies in a weary tone, like Geddy is the 10,000th asshole to say this, “Look, I’m only going to say it once. This is no barrel. This is Gadget. I think he’s missing a screw. He’s not working right now.” Well, Geddy has had a screw in his inventory for ages now, so he happily digs it out of his pocket, where it had been poking at his junk in a very uncomfortable fashion, and hands it to Belle. She is delighted that “Gadget Z” will stop being a functionless piece of shit now. Geddy duhs back, “It’s a ‘Gadget Z’ barrel?” and Belle responds that the name reflects its appearance, which…no.
Once the screw is in place, Belle steps back to show Geddy her handiwork. Gadget Z hums to life with a few mechanical whirrs and clanks, and pokes his head out of the top of the barrel. Now, I dropped the ball by not mentioning the prototypical Gadget’s gaping blowjob mouth, but I can correct that error now. Gadget Z’s three-dimensional model makes it even more obvious, and Geddy is taken aback, wondering if he’s supposed to insert a few potch and then stick his penis in there.
Go Go Gadget Hummer.
Gadget Z introduces himself as “the culmination of technology and extreme intelligence” and “a metal warrior dispatched to this ruinous world,” but before he can even provide his name, in wacky hijinks fashion he begins smoking and twitching, and before Belle can even react he’s engulfed in a massive fireball. Which should destroy him completely, right? He’s still housed in a wooden frame. But no–he must have some magical Star of Destiny powers that make him impervious to how fire works. Still, Belle will have to fix him, and for some reason can’t continue living on the mean streets of Ass Castle Town. “Your best bet is [Buttfuck],” Geddy says helpfully. “With a toy this rare, they’re sure to welcome you.” Yeah, I can think of a few applications Frodo may have for such a device. Belle and Gadget Z officially join the Buttfuck Castle Players and head offscreen to make their way to their new digs.
To continue his recruitment drive, Geddy needs to find an appraiser, and the only one currently available to him is in Vinay del Sexay. But since he got in a fight with Borus back in Karaya Village, he is worried about cutting through the castle and starting shit. In other words, Geddy has to go alllllll the way around, through the plains and a bunch of pointless random battles, just to avoid maybe having a confrontation with a guy with soap opera hair. The iron balls on this motherfucker.
Once his appraising is taken care of, he goes alllllll the way back, through the forest and more plains, this time to Buttfuck Castle. After checking with the locals to see if they’re less whiny (they’re not), Geddy enters the manor and finds a previously unused room on the second floor. Augustine is in here, lying that the castle is “dazzling,” but of more importance is that some enterprising soul, in a fit of wishful thinking, set up pedestals for displaying artwork and statues. Geddy has approximately zero desire to contribute to this project when he strongly suspects Cogsworth will just hawk whatever he donates, but he nonetheless places a Hex Doll S on the pedestal in the center of the room. Now, this I could see Augustine describing as “dazzling,” albeit in a vaguely racist sense.
This is now the most popular room in the manor.
I steer Geddy out of the room and downstairs to the save point, out of minigame-fueled paranoia. When Geddy returns to the room, to see how big the pile of flowers and poems is around the statue’s feet, he instead finds a gay cowboy admiring his contribution. Yes, I know I need to be more specific. This beefy bear of a man is wearing a tiny orange cowboy hat, clearly intended for a rodeo clown, atop his dark blond mullet; a teal vest that hugs his abdomen in a way that would make the Zexen Knights break out in a cold sweat; and an olive-green jacket tied with corset strings. In an unforgivable oversight, however, he is not wearing chaps.
This man is named Billy, and he congratulates Geddy, whom he assumes is the lord of the manor, on the castle’s “many nice treasures.” Right. He asks “which ruins” this particular half-naked dude statue was discovered in, so he can go there and swim around in bronze pecs like Scrooge McDuck in his money bin. But Geddy isn’t buying this faux-friendly interrogation and asks him to identify himself. Billy, to his credit, replies, “Please, don’t mind me. I’m just a petty thief.” Geddy takes that in stride, but Billy feels the need to add, “Society demands that I call myself a treasure hunter. But you can call me whatever you like.” He’s like the opposite of Winona. How refreshing!
Of course, Billy also has a sob story ready to explain away his criminal activity: “I haven’t been able to earn a single potch,” he lies, probably. “I can’t find work anywhere. My boy is crying his eyes out, he’s so hungry.” As a solution to this problem of his that surely exists, he proposes a game of cards with Geddy. “If I win, give me this item,” he says, jerking his thumb at the racist Hex Doll. “If you win, I will do any work you need to have done.” This is a pretty terrible proposition: either Geddy loses this item of supposed value, or he gets an afternoon of free labor at this place he does not own, which has mysteriously turned into the destination for unemployed wandering vagrants.
Of course, Geddy does not have a choice now that I have steered him down this horrible path, and he can either start playing right away or play after Billy walks him through the rules, since this is not Kabu, but another new card game called Goppu. I would snark about needing another shitty card game like I need a hole in my head, but there still is no sign of the Game That Shall Not Be Named, so I should be thankful. Anyway, the goal of Goppu is to win the most diamond cards by bidding on them with cards of another suit. Billy asks Geddy to choose between hearts (butts) and spades (butts with plugs). Naturally, Geddy chooses spades.
The trick to this game, I guess, is managing Geddy’s hand so that he doesn’t end up with nothing that can win a bid. Except the AI is bugged so that, if Geddy starts with his ace and keeps picking up sequentially, he can’t lose. This is cheap, but it’s not like this minigame is so deep and fascinating that I’m concerned with playing it the right way. In fact, I’m mostly concerned with never having to play it again.
After losing within 90 seconds, Billy is flabbergasted by Geddy’s “luck,” but holds up his end of the bargain and agrees to do any work around Buttfuck that needs to be done. I’m sure every sofa, chair, and bed on the grounds needs to be steam cleaned and scotch guarded, so he should start there. Geddy, though, wants to know about this supposedly hungry, emo child of his. “Oh, him?” Father of the Year responds. “The next time you’re in Vinay del [Sexay] and come across a 12-year-old by the name of [Sudit], tell him I’m here, will you?” Yes, that’s right: this negligent piece of work is the dad Sudit would not shut the fuck up about. Billy goes on, showing that he actually does know his wiener kid pretty well, “Knowing him, he’ll come running over, lickety-split.” Geddy makes a note of this, and Billy adds, “He’s alone, but since I taught him how to fend for himself, he should be all right.” Yeah, Billy abandoned his son to live in the streets and eat rats and discarded apple cores, but he’s a petty thief in a gay cowboy outfit! SO. COOL.
Let’s just fast-forward to Vinay del Sexay, where Geddy is determined for reasons beyond my understanding to track down Billy’s son. He finds Sudit and Ralphie in the alleyway near their secret hideout, where they are both practicing their sad Saint Loa Wankers salute. I have no idea why a simple combination of hand gestures requires this much practice and dedication, but I guess it’s better than them turning to crack. Geddy tells Sudit, simply, “Your father is waiting at [Buttfuck].” Sudit cocks his head and goes, “My father? At [Buttfuck]??” and I’m giggling way more than I should be at this.