Joker adds a cheery thought: whatever these jerks say, the Zexen Council probably wouldn’t like the idea of what they’re doing and would probably try to interfere if they found out. You can say that again, dude. I expect Ace to get all up in Joker’s grill about being so negative or something, because all Ace and Joker do is fuck argue, but instead he turns to Geddy and asks, “By the way, Captain… Did you examine that record?” Geddy plays dumb. Ace clarifies, “The mediator in their document shared your name. Is there some relation?” Geddy again plays dumb. We, the audience, know there’s a connection, since people in RPGs don’t ever share names by coincidence. Joker stares his boss down for a moment, no doubt suspecting something’s up, but then raises another question: “By the way, where did Jacques go?”
…In search of his French ancestry?
Unlike all the other times Jacques has mysteriously vanished, this time he doesn’t appear right when someone mentions him. Rather, the scene fades out and cuts to the wrecked ship behind the castle. Jacques is standing alone on the deck, facing the lake. He says to himself, “Ah, the ocean……… How beautiful…” And that’s it. No, I don’t know either.
And now we transition, strangely, to the Wheel of Heroes, where a tiny, wimpy flame springs up between two of the larger flames. This little one represents Frodo. Burn. So to speak. “Lighted [Frodo’s] pedestal! Select [Frodo’s] story next time,” the Random Text God tells me. Oh, rapture. An entire chapter of adventures with the Ringbearer and his household of creepy indentured servants. I simply cannot contain my excitement.
Back to Geddy on the world map. After finally satisfying his need for a shopping spree at nearby Ass Castle (and no, “shopping spree” is not a euphemism for “orgy with the Zexen Knights”–Geddy can’t even enter the castle proper due to his encounter with Borus), Geddy has nothing left to do. Chibi!Geddy returns to the eastern side of the map and enters the mountain pass leading to Caleria, a city whose name sounds way too much like a sexually transmitted disease.
The Mountain Pass irritates the ever-loving snot out of me for the following reasons: 1) it is a series of long paths that fork off into dead ends, and you don’t know the dead ends are such until you walk alllllllll the way to the end of them and don’t find anything, and 2) all that walking results in 800,000 random battles, filled with obnoxious monsters which all, inexplicably, have attack-all powers and other things that make my party fall over dead a lot. Ace, in particular, has a habit of quickly running into the midst of five monsters, missing with fourteen swings of his sai, and then going down faster than Madonna at a frat party. Sadly, this is the best place in the game thus far to level up, so I spend a good deal more time here than I really want to. You lucky devils don’t get to hear about my extra hour of fighting one-eyed monsters, sparkly butterflies, and Dragonites (Pokémon #149). You DO get to hear how I make Geddy run back to Lake Castle to check on the lottery tickets I bought from Martha, which net him 130,000 potch. I’m telling you this because winning fictional money in a make-believe fantasy game makes me feel like a super-special person who is inherently superior to and more talented than all of you. Look at meeeeeeee!
Dragonite, I choose you!
At the top of the pass, the 12th Unit encounters another creature guarding a white treasure chest. But while the PMS Crab tried to scare off our heroes with its feminine bitchiness, this boss, the Twin Snake, chooses to intimidate treasure-stealers with its two huge, schlong-like heads. The heads are attached to what looks like a big tortoise shell with stubby legs, but is actually a large, squat toad. Sometimes I wish I were as “creative” as these game designers, but then I realize that all the crack would ruin my life and I’d just end up performing illicit acts in public restrooms for my next fix. That, and I’m a woman. I don’t think I could fill the 600-phallic-objects-per-game quota imposed on all game designers. Though I would try.
Anyway, the boss battle. Not that this has ever been done before in a Suikoden game, but the Twin Snake is a multi-part boss, in which Geddy and Gang can bitchsmack each of the heads and the main toad body separately. The game designers further deny convention and give the Twin Snake a powerful combo attack involving all three heads–fire from the right head, wind from the left, and a third, unspecified element (earth?) from the toad. Thank God Aila decided to join the party, so I can make use of her kick-ass shield magic. I mean, it would have sucked if the one Karayan they had met and brought along turned out to be a magically inept sword monkey like Hugo. So go Aila! And go game designers, for giving me a balanced party!
Pass the dildo-shaped bong!
Due to the ouch factor of the combo attack, it becomes Joker and Geddy’s job to use their magic and kill the two phallic heads as soon as possible. Ace, Queen, and Jacques, meanwhile, hack fruitlessly at the toad’s rocky exoskeleton with their wimpy weapons. Whatever makes them feel useful, I guess. After about six turns, and not a few whopping fire and lightning spells, the Twin Snake goes to Penis Heaven (not to be confused with Phallus Haven), the place all wang-esque RPG bosses go when they die. Gohma, the Dickmaster, and the Squally Dragon are probably all there, sipping appletinis and listening to Barbra Streisand CDs.
The gang stands around in a loose circle on the spot where the Twin Snake was standing a second ago. Ace says, “But that monster’s going to give us a hard time going through here, you know.” This is the game designers’ way of telling me that this particular brand of boss respawns, and the Twin Snake or something equally menacing and penisy will be back here on the return trip. The good news is that the treasure comes back as well. Sweet! Aila insists that she’s not afraid of regenerating trouser snakes, as she’s a brave Karayan warrior. The shocked gasping from the 12th Unit is audible in the gullies and canyons of the Mountain Pass. Not. Back on the subject of getting to Caleria, Joker tells me which of the two possible paths leads there. We’ll get to the other, northern path a bit later.
For now, Geddy’s only concern is the treasure, and he’s rewarded a second time with plenty of tantalizing lock clicks. For emasculating the Twin Snake, Geddy receives another cartload of potch and a bunch of crappy, useless armor. The only good scores are Feather Earrings (for Jacques, obviously!) and a pair of Winged Boots. The equipment in this game overpowers me with its masculinity. Geddy sighs in disappointment and then runs east down the mountain. Thankfully, nothing horrible happens, like the party having its collective ass served up on a platter by a gang of buttpillaging random monsters, dying, and me having to climb the mountain and kill the Twin Snake all over again because I didn’t save. Nope, it’s a totally boring, trauma-free exeunt from the Mountain Pass.
In case you were wondering, that screaming? It was me. But I’m okay now.
Loading ...An hour A few moments later, our heroes enter the bustling high desert city of Caleria. Queen Einsteins, “We won’t get any emergency summons or special missions here.” I’d hope you wouldn’t get any emergency summons, seeing as you’re at headquarters now. Christ, woman, did you put on your stupid boots today?
Aila, meanwhile, is taking in what is apparently her first large city experience. Color me surprised. The verdict? “Phew… This place…smells.” Ace explains that lots of people are packed like sardines into the buildings, so of course it stinks like death and vomit. Or something. At any rate, it’s clear that Aila is ill at ease here already. And I would have never seen that coming. I figured her natural free spirit would fit right into an urban setting. Because I’m a brainless space cadet and I don’t get things the first 10 times I hear them. And I didn’t get it when Hugo had the exact same freaking reaction, either.
And Karaya smelled like charred corpses roses, did it?
Ace wants to head immediately over to headquarters and relieve himself of his load. Of paperwork. Wink nudge. Jacques goes, “Headquarters?” like Ace just spoke in Greek. “Yes,” Ace says. “Is this your first time?” Suddenly I wonder what’s going on at headquarters, and if there is any fanfiction that addresses this question. But then Ace adds, “You were hired by the captain out in the regions,” and my mind immediately goes to the sort of eye-scarring smut that probably sprung from this particular detail. And where exactly are “the regions”? Is that like “the boondocks”? Whatever. Ace gives me Jacques the grand tour, making sure to show me Jacques the large building at the back of the city, housing the Holy Harmonia Southern Frontier Defense Force. Before I can even comment on the phallic pillars at the entrance, I’m back to controlling Geddy. So before I forget: hey, look at the big stone penises!
Penises!
Geddy has no desire to go to HQ just yet, and instead chooses to wander around town and spend lots of money at the blacksmith, armor shop, and rune shop. At the town trading post, he finds a strange man standing in the back of the room. I say he’s strange because he’s not a Suikoclone, and therefore must be someone I need to talk to. His name is Mike, and he’s very interested in playing a little game with Geddy. To my immense relief, Mike looks and dresses nothing like Tai Ho, and is not holding a chipped fucking cup with three dice in it. He just wants to play a harmless game of cards. And if Geddy can win enough money in the process–20,000 potch–he’ll go hang out at Lake Castle with Frodo and Samwise! And hey, I like card games! How bad can it be?
How bad indeed.
The game Mike wants to play with Geddy is called Kabu. I will explain the rules.
First, Mike deals out four cards–one to himself and three to Geddy. Geddy must take a look at the card Mike has and then pick one card of the remaining three to be his playing card. The object of the game is to get your cards to add up to nine without going over. (If it does go over nine, then the object is to get as close as possible to 18 without going over, and so on.) After the card is chosen, both players get a second card to add to the first. If the first two cards add up to nine, the player gets what is called a “Kabu” and automatically wins. And by “the player,” I mean “Mike.” Geddy doesn’t get a Kabu, ever, because the game is designed to fuck him in the ass. With no lube.