Our last visit to Grassland, war-torn land of Buttfucks and Great Hollows, featured Lady Chris and her retinue of arrow-straight, Silver Maiden-infatuated knights. In between discussions of how great Chris is and how much they wish they could have sex with her, the knights ate spicy wieners, penetrated the Great Hollow, and gallantly refused an opportunity to remove the clothes of the object of their affection. Eventually Chris ran off with a creepy butthole named Nash, leaving the rest of the Zexen Six no choice but to drown their grief in hours and hours of sweaty buttsex.

But let’s forget for now about Chris and her pointless journey to resolve her daddy issues–it’s time to spin the Wheel of Heroes to Geddy and his also arrow-straight 12th Unit. We last left them in Caleria, the highly inconvenient mountain town in the middle of Bumfuck Egypt to which they had to return to receive new mercenary orders.

Scary!

So, we pick up with Geddy at the inn in Caleria. He’s alone because, at this early hour, his companions are likely drinking beneath an overpass, so he wanders solo for a bit and chats with various Suikoclones in Middle Eastern-themed clothing. A few of them mention some Harmonian “bigwig” who’s in town for nebulous reasons, intel Geddy files away for later. A man and woman by the bar are gossiping about some dipshit named Franz who is in an unhappy, dysfunctional relationship with a woman named Iku. Surprise! I only mention this because Geddy is going to meet these two later, and given the circumstances of this “couple” I find it ridiculous that anyone who knows them is here in Caleria with nothing better to do than talk about them.

Ace and Aila are moping in a corner in the tavern, but Geddy ignores their grumpy selves for now and heads upstairs, where he finds a rather strange person. This dapper, silver-haired man, named Nadir, is wearing a white porcelain mask with a painted creepy smile and dead eye sockets. Though he is dressed all in black and white, with nary a speck of fuchsia on his person, he does have a fetching cravat. In yet another Anal Attorney crossover I imagined in a flight of fancy, Edgeworth had a terrible accident involving Phoenix pointing too vigorously with an unmanicured fingernail, and had to cover up his face, flee to the courthouse basement, and take up the pipe organ.

I should get on with it. Nadir, like his probable alter ego, has a flair for the dramatic. “The whole world’s a stage…” he tells Geddy. “I’m looking for people who are born actors, naturals, so I can open a theater.” In a bit of foreshadowing for later, he also notes, “People wear masks and play false parts all the time anyway, so moving to the theater’s stage is hardly a huge leap. Are you interested in theater?” Geddy’s like, “Uh, no,” but that doesn’t stop Nadir from rhapsodizing about the throbbing boner he gets when he’s under the lights. While he’s still stretching his arms out toward an imaginary audience, Geddy tells him he’s a freak and turns to leave, but not before Nadir can add that what he needs for his “most famous contribution to society” is a cast of three men, two women, and one child. He doesn’t add, “So if you could just put those people in your party, that’d be great,” but obviously that’s what needs to be done. Sadly, Geddy’s party is all set, and with the wrong ratios, until chapter four, so he can’t help with this surely riveting production.

But what about tales of boning?

Geddy picks up Ace and Aila, who have nothing of interest to say, and the three of them exit the inn. The Suikoclones outside can’t come up with anything more interesting to discuss than whether one should sell another a donkey, so Geddy decides he needs to seek out something more relevant to their needs. He starts up some stairs, leaving Ace and Aila at the bottom while he tends to what he calls “messy business,” aka “Ace is a fucking blab; please keep him from following me.” Ace freaks out that he’s being left out of important 12th Unit business, because he’s the leader, in the same way Tightass was the leader and Auron was just some broody dude he let hang out with them. While Ace is over-punctuating his emotions, Aila, who has been in the Geddy Gang for all of a day, immediately gets that Daddy needs some alone time and says they’ll wait for him there.

When Geddy gets to the top of the stairs, he approaches a lone stall on the roof. The proprietor, labeled “Detective” in case we didn’t figure out Geddy is up here for info, not sex toys, greets him and asks if he needs help “finding something.” Geddy replies, “What do you have that’s in season?” Ohoho, it’s a code, you guys! So clever. The man offers him a “blue fruit from the north,” which seems a little rude and on the nose for the man we’re about to meet. The two of them banter about cost for a minute, Geddy insisting on driving the price down because whatever he last paid for was not timely enough to be of use, I guess alluding to him being unable to do jack squat about the events in Grassland. As Geddy walks away with a bulging, flesh-colored bag (really), the man calls out, “There’s more. There’s a letter for you from that man. I put it in there.” Geddy calls his mystery boyfriend “dependable,” but his informant replies, “Bothersome is more like it, sir. Like a rash that won’t go away.” Geddy doesn’t really want to think about his boyfriend in terms of a rash, but he doesn’t disagree, either. I hope there’s some topical cream in that bag.

Back downstairs, Ace is like, “WHAT’S IN THE BAG WHAT’S IN THE BAG LET ME SEE,” which makes Aila want to see his bulbous blue fruit in his fleshy bag, too, since she didn’t know Geddy was into that. Geddy assures her that he fucking loves blue fruit. “Hmm…. You don’t seem the type,” Aila replies, and Ace starts laughing really, really awkwardly.

Of course they are.

Having sensed that their boss is done bartering for plump, juicy fruit, Queen and Joker have emerged from whatever watering hole they were in and are waiting in front of the inn. “What’s the matter?” Geddy asks, because they and Ace look concerned. “I thought you’d be drunk and passed out by now.” Best employees ever! Joker says, awesomely, “That was my intention, but there were other things going on.” Queen clarifies, “Harmonia’s Frontier Forces are on the move. This is highly unusual.” Does anyone else picture Harmonia’s Frontier Forces as a bunch of handsome gay men in ridiculous, electric-blue cowboy getups lassoing each other? Just me? Fine. Joker adds that they have a bishop, er, “Bishop,” with them as well.

As Geddy absorbs this news, we cut away to a courtyard elsewhere in Caleria, where the fancy cowboys of the Harmonian Frontier Force are receiving their orders. Okay, I take back what I said, because I do not want to picture these faceless, terrifying mannequin men playing grab-ass and reciting cowboy poetry to each other. It’s way too unsettling.

Eeeeeeeeek

Two men stand facing these troops. One is none other than the Man with Eyebrows, here identified as Albert. He steps forward and tells the men, “After several decades of peace and quiet in Grassland, seeds of rebellion have been sown. I’m sure you’ve all heard of the bandits known as the Fire Bringer!” It seems like tons of people have never heard of the Fire Bringer, and certainly these men have never seen them since they don’t have eyes. Anyway. “I’m sure you’ve also heard of the disaster brought to that land!” Albert goes on. “We cannot allow the one who claims the title of Flame Champion to disgrace the honor of the one true hero, Hikusaak.” That’s Harmonia’s Dear Leader, for anyone not boned up on Suikoden lore. Albert also introduces the man who will be leading them, “Bishop Sasarai, who hails from Crystal Valley.” Crystal Valley sounds like a fitting home for the blue fruit from the north. This version of Sasarai is still a pretty twink in all blue, but he no longer has his comically large poofy hat, which I find hugely disappointing.

Albert goes on that their destination is the “village of the Safir Clan, one of the Six Clans,” since the Flame Champion is supposedly hiding there. I guess that would be Chisha Village? The same place Nash wanted to drag Chris to, and the same place Jimba was coincidentally snooping around. Clearly, this means nothing and the plot will not come to a head in this unimportant location.

Sasarai introduces himself to the mannequin men under his command, and emphasizes that his is a mission of maintaining peace, which sounds like a load of bullshit, but I guess we’ll see. The camera pans away from him past the men he’s addressing–who are breathing in unison, yikes–to show Geddy, Ace, Joker, and Queen listening from the edge of the courtyard. They come to the conclusion that this search for the Flame Champion is serious business, though Queen thinks “they should stop spreading old wives’ tales.” I get that incredulity about this tale is high, but when the Harmonians, the alpha war mongers of the continent, send in a bunch of clone troops for the guy, maybe it’s time to keep an open mind.

Anyway. Back at the inn, Aila asks how it went. Ace ignores her and asks Geddy, “Well, Captain. What’s the plan? The other teams are already heading for Grassland.” He’s in the middle of suggesting they should do the same, since that’s what Duke and his asshole 14th Unit are doing, when Aila glares at him and asks him to shut up while she has a question on the table. But Ace is still talking! Like he does. “Well, we could simply follow the Frontier Force,” he natters on. “But why would they send in the regular army for this? In all my years, I’ve never seen this go on before!” Finally, Aila flips out, literally stomping her feet and slamming her fists against the table. It’s a full-on tantrum, but Ace completely deserves it. “Hey! I’m asking you a question!” she screams at Ace. “You’re the one who told me to stay behind!” Ace condescends in return, “Hey! Relax and finish your soda.” Aila glares at her lime green drink, like it’s the one that’s treating her like a toddler. “You look too much like a Karaya girl,” he mansplains. “If we had taken you with us, who knows what kind of trouble you’d have gotten us into?!” Because buying her a change of clothes was totally out of the question. Aila rests her chin on the table, still throwing shade at her soda but sick of yelling at it. Queen just smirks in the background, since Ace probably talked to her like this once. Just once.

Queen and Joker go back to kicking around Ace’s boring plan, until Geddy shuts it down. “No,” he tells them. “We’ll head off to Le Buque now.” Ooh, sounds fancy. The bistros in Le Buque always have the most elegant plating! Ace says for Aila’s benefit, I guess, that the “Mantor trainers” live there, and realizes that Geddy’s out-of-the-blue plan must be related to the nice blue fruit he got earlier. Okay, so the blue fruit was probably about Le Buque, which is to the north, and not Sasarai. Whatever, I stand by my assessment.

While Aila goes “???????” and cocks her head at Geddy like a curious bird, the rest of them jump on board with the boss’s new plan and agree they should head out. Geddy history-drops, “This could turn into a fire like no one’s seen since the city alliance wars 15 years ago.” The localization team’s mangling of “City-State” continues unabated, I see. Ace goes to wake up Jacques, who must sleep like 20 hours a day, but as soon as Ace disappears around the corner, Jacques walks in from outside, where he claims he was asleep in a tree. Maybe he wouldn’t need so many extra hours of sleep if he’d use a bed like a normal person. Aila, who is out of fucks to give, goes, “What a weirdo!”