I haven’t spent quality time with my precious Barry and his adorable teen boy problems in three goddamn years. Hoo boy. But I have a good reason this time, other than “I didn’t feel like it”! I realized after the last recap that I did not have a prayer of successfully getting Clive to the finish line of his Elza Sandiego quest. To get his blond ass off Barry’s case for good, I’d need to start a new save in which I didn’t spend 30 minutes at a time with the menu open while I read Twitter, or grind for a recipe I’d never get in the Two River sewers, or run around the castle and pose Barry behind every male character’s sprite just in case I needed a suggestive screencap. (Look, recapping is complicated.) And since then the game FINALLY came out on the Playstation store, and I figured I should take advantage of that. And THEN I realized I could take this opportunity to fix my terrible screencaps from the first, oh, 12 installments while I caught up. I got a bit far afield, is what I’m saying. But here we are now! I’m sure this will be a happy reunion with my favorite game, with no emotional turmoil whatsoever.

As for where we left Barry: basically treading water, after his bid to liberate Greenhill was successful (since it was Shu’s idea) and his attempt to take Muse was not (hi, Apple). Worse, Matilda and its remaining supply of hot beefcakes has now been taken over by Highland. Meanwhile, Barry has now recruited every one of the 107 meat shields Leknaat tasked him with bringing into the Yaoi Army, and now all that’s left is winning the war, and then slapping Jowy until he sees sense and apologizes (with his penis, repeatedly). But how to do that, exactly? Shu hasn’t proffered a plan, and God knows nobody else around here ever comes up with anything useful. Barry hopefully checks the suggestion box on the second floor in case Muku Ranger Red or the fucking unicorn had some brilliant epiphany, but no dice.

Once our boy has dumped off some books, dragon penis schematics, and sound sets with their respective custodians, done some armor management and blacksmithing for his burliest front-row men, and kitted out PUGGY!!! with some sexy new runes, it’s time to see if Shu has figured out a strategy. But Barry doesn’t find him in the Great Hall of Bad News, and going to his new fifth-floor penthouse suite to take a nap doesn’t trigger anything either. Eventually, it occurs to Barry to visit Shu’s office on the floor below–if for no other reason than that Shu left his toothbrush in Barry’s room last night and he’s got rules about that.

But when Barry exits the elevator, he is shocked to see Kiba walking through Shu’s door. Is this Shu’s revenge for all the time Barry has been spending with Klaus? That’s impressively petty. Barry walks over to listen at the door for any telltale grunting, but what he hears instead is a conversation. Whew! He just wants to talk Kiba stupid instead of fool around, a situation with which Barry has become tediously familiar. Shu has called Kiba in here to ask a favor, a statement that’s, for some reason, accompanied by the Sad Theme of Sadness. HMM. “The next battle will most likely determine the outcome of the war,” Shu says, unnecessarily. “If we hope to win, we’re going to have to make a gamble.” It might be easier if Apple didn’t keep killing soldiers with accounting errors, but fair point, we’re still outnumbered, and Kiba agrees it’s going to be tough. “Highland and the Yaoi Army continue to glare at each other across the divide of a great lake. And although the Matilda Knightdom has surrendered, the area is still unstable and the Highland Army can’t pull their forces away.” The problem with a conversation like this is that it’s expository and entirely for my benefit, so these men are stating the obvious, but still leaving out details and making it kind of hard to follow. Kiba, thus, replies, “You’re saying that even if we take the gamble, we can’t defeat Matilda….? So then, what do you…” What is the gamble? Who even fucking knows right now? Kiba, apparently, even though he was called in here just to be told about it?

About that. Shu takes, shall we say, a left turn: “I want you to take a regiment to attack [Bear]’s old fort east of Muse. Even if Highland realizes it’s a decoy, they’ll have to divide their army to defend the Highland Kingdom from you. They’ll probably call upon Leon Silverburg to do it…” One day we’re all gonna have a sitdown and figure out how to spell that fucking name. I mean, it’s not like it’s an important one or anything. Kiba takes in this bizarre request. Even if we accept that this decoy idea would work, why would even a decoy army attack a burned-down, empty fort, one that used to belong to their side, no less?

Kiba uses some ellipses to process what he’s been asked, then says, “Lord Shu, since my defeat, I feel I’ve lost my place in this world. But when I see Lord Barry… See him charm these people and transcend this war… It may be inappropriate for a general, but it makes me believe in miracles.” It’s impossible for me to read “these people” as anything else but “Klaus,” but we can all agree Barry’s penis probably does contain miracles. This is Kiba’s long, but sweet, way of saying that he is in. He says his own Highland men will be enough, as if Leon won’t notice how tiny this totally-not-a-decoy regiment is. After Shu thanks him, Kiba adds one last thing: “Please take care of my son. Under your tutelage, he will become a brilliant strategist.” I don’t like the way Kiba is talking right now! It’s almost like he thinks leading a decoy unit to a burnt husk that offers no defenses and intentionally leaves him outnumbered is some kind of suicide mission! And how is Klaus ever going to be in the mood again after that? Please think of Barry’s sex life, General!

A black screen later, Kiba has left, and without even saying anything to his liege lord that was standing there eavesdropping. Barry walks in, and Shu picks up the thread of the conversation on the correct assumption that he heard all of that. “The forces behind this war are about to reach their limit,” Shu says. But they’re edging, so they can maintain for a few more minutes. “The winners will win everything, the losers will lose everything. Both the State and Highland will be betting their existence on this battle.” Everybody sure got serious all of a damn sudden. Like it’s the climax of the game or something! Shu goes on, “You have two choices. One is to stay the course. This is the easy road, but it is the path to defeat. The other is to fight for victory for all. This is a thorny path, but it is the path of Kings.” That’s…not much of a choice at all. I am pretty confident Barry is not about to be asked to choose between “Be a scared, mewling little baby” or “Be a conquering fucking hero with a 12-inch penis.” Indeed, when Shu says he awaits Barry’s decision, it is a “choice” between going to battle now or delaying a bit so Barry can, I dunno, do all the stuff I had him do before taking the elevator up here. We’re good to go, Daddy!

Shu tells Barry to assemble everyone in the war room, like he’s some kind of goddamn errand boy, but a black screen later, “everyone” is present. This means around 40 of the Stars of Destiny are in the room, and while I do appreciate that the room isn’t big enough for the other 68, the invite list is a bit questionable. Forget what Shu just said–it’s clear Barry did not seek out Tai Ho and Yam Koo, Waylon, Marlowe, the Eyebrow Bandits, the Carny Trio, the dumber kobolds, and Gadget (but not Meg). And I don’t see any of the 10s that Barry recruited in the last recap, which briefly makes me think I forgot to recruit them on this replay. This is a stress-free experience!

Shu opens the proceedings: “Listen carefully, everyone. Now that Highland has taken Matilda, their army numbers 55,000 men. Ours is a mere 25,000 or so.” Wait, update, it’s now the 40 people in this room and some mops dressed in tiaras and bathrobes. Thanks, Apple! Flik states the obvious and says they’ll get their heads kicked in at this over-2-to-1 disadvantage. Shu continues that they will, therefore, be splitting the army and sending Kiba east of Muse to pretend to invade Highland, by “invading” Bear’s old fort, while everyone else assaults Matilda. “Then it will be closer to 30,000 versus 20,000…” Bear says. Prudent as hell to just assume that Leon will need 25,000 soldiers to take care of Kiba and five guys named Fred. And that’s still not a great outlook! We’re fucked. Shu says as much, calling it a “big gamble,” and assuring everyone present, “This will be the fiercest battle yet, and anyone unwilling to die should leave now. You will not be pursued. No one will blame you.” Yeah, excuse me, Barry will absolutely blame people if he doesn’t like them enough or pursue them if they’re in his harem. A few of the sprites bounce around in agitation at this pronouncement–specifically, Nina runs around talking to no one, Sheena consults with BFFs Leona and Barbara, and Marlowe paces back and forth between Koyu and Lo Wen, like they’re a barrier keeping him from running away. I assume. In turn, a bunch of people individually shout out that they’re ready to lay it all on the line. “We will fight! For everyone! For ourselves!” cries Teresa, who probably won’t be anywhere near the battle lines. Big Gay Fitcher is unsure about adding his voice to this suicidal chorus until Eilie punches him and tells him to get his shit together, purely to suck up to Barry. I see you, missy.

Once Barry’s received enough loyalty oaths to be getting on with, he steps forward and I have to choose from, uh, one option of what he can say: “Everyone, loan me your strength!” He will return it, with interest! Or he’ll sell your strength to a securities firm and retire to the Cayman Islands!

Everyone is already psyched for this insane plan, but to really get this party started, Leknaat fades in behind Barry. “Barry… You have assembled many heroes around you…” she says, clearly referring to Cocko and Gengen. “The Bright Shield on your right hand and the Black Sword Jowy holds are the two aspects of the ‘Rune of Beginning’. Power to decide this war. Cold, uncompromising power.” Barry cannot help but picture Jowy lubing up the Black Sword Rune and not even warming it up in his hands first. When did he become so inconsiderate?!

“The 108 Stars of Destiny and the bearer of the Bright Shield Rune have now been assembled,” Leknaat continues. Well, 40 of them, anyway, and also Barry is included in that 108. Unless he’s not and I’m about to get the bad ending because Apple did my recruitment math for me. “This is proof of his right. The Bright Shield Rune’s seal may now be broken. Barry…your right hand.” Barry puts out his palm for the weird lady who’s been running his life for a few months now, as she intones, “May the thoughts of the 108 Stars be as one and grant Barry new power.” As the sentient barrel, the bored vampire lady, and the guy with the giant bow on his ass concentrate really hard, Barry is surrounded by white light and the symbol of the Bright Shield Rune fills the room with its glow. Once it’s done, Leknaat finishes, “Barry, may you always stride with honor upon the path you tread.” Maybe Barry is not the one who needs this advice. Anyway, this little ceremony unlocks Forgiver Sign, the Bright Shield Rune’s fourth-level spell, previously seen laying waste to a giant moth. The Bright Shield Rune sure has its priorities in order! We couldn’t have maybe broken this out for fighting The Count, but it just spurted out of its own accord to save some kid cosplaying as Barry? Sure.

Before we move on, a few more thoughts about the composition of this scene that I can’t seem to fit in organically, but they’ll bug me if I don’t write them down:

1) Eight people in this room have gone through this dog-and-pony show once before. I wonder if that’s really awkward for them. Not that I care about Tai Ho’s goddamn feelings.

2) The game has been cagey on who is or is not a general, but for the most part all the generals and strategists are up on the stage, with two notable exceptions. Can you guess who they are? Well, you don’t have to because I took screencaps: it’s Teresa and Valeria. What do these two characters have in common that the other generals don’t? Some kind of physical trait? I can’t put my finger on it.

2a) YES, I realize Apple and Nanami are up on the stage, keeping some gender “balance” in the leadership, but they’re also attached at the hip to the two most important men in the room.

3) “Important” people not even present, leaving aside the fact that Barry actually rates importance first and foremost on bangability: Jess, Gilbert, the hot Bukkake Hamlet representatives, High Yo (clearly the most important man in the Yaoi Army on the metric of time spent with Barry), Zamza (haha just kidding, asshole).

4) Seriously, why is Gadget there? Is he recording the proceedings? IS GADGET A WEBCAM???

Once Leknaat has gone, Shu doesn’t spare a moment to ruminate on how fucking weird that was–like I would if I were Barry’s strategist in a worse version of this game–and gives the order to move out. “It’s time to get ready. Everything is riding on this battle, so leave nothing to regret!!!” The assembled sprites rouse a masculine-sounding cheer as we fade to black. Leave nothing to regret, eh Shu? Does that mean we still have time for a little extra “preparation”?

Throwing me a damn bone FOR ONCE, the ensuing scene begins with Barry in bed, being roused by Nanami to go see off Kiba. No, of course his chief strategist doesn’t have his mussed head of hair poking out the other end of the bed, but he’s a busy man and probably got up early. Let me have this, all right? The siblings proceed out of the castle and to the front gate, where Kiba is lining his men up. Klaus is also here to see off his dad, but otherwise no one showed up, not even Kiba’s best pal/husband Ridley. What gives, everybody? Kiba promises Barry they’ll win the day and wishes him luck, then turns to his son. “Klaus,” he says, “serve Lord Barry with honor.” YES SIR. Klaus is like, “I will, hee hee,” in my imagination. Kiba finally tells him, “I’ve always been proud of you, my son,” and Klaus replies, “No, Father…it’s I who am proud to have you as my father.” There may as well be a blinking neon sign in the top third blaring “KIBA IS GOING TO DIE.” The goodbyes said to apparently the only people who care about him, RIDLEY, Kiba walks to the head of his column of Suikoclones and marches off the screen. I’m sure he’s gonna do great!

Once Kiba is gone, and everyone present has commented yet again on the must-win nature of the coming battle, Klaus urges Barry and Nanami back to the war room, where “Shu should be waiting.” Thanks to the elaborate soap opera I’ve imagined Barry’s love life to be, I can’t hear Shu or Klaus so much as mention the other without thinking it’s through gritted teeth and with a furrow of eyebrows. But no Real Housewives-esque staged fight is waiting in the war room, just Shu and the usual round of important folks, which sadly now seems to permanently include Cocko. Can you imagine how great this game could have been if the resident army member who could fly were hot and not a jerkoff? Barry needs to get some notes to Leknaat for her next Star of Destiny fortune-telling chart.

Shu announces the army will move through Greenhill toward Matilda, and Barry gives the order to deploy with no other real information. I mean, everything he heard about Shu’s plan last night was just about Kiba’s end of it, so he’s pretty much in the dark. “Let’s get ’em! Yar!!!” Cocko yells. Seriously, Leknaat has some stuff to answer for.

On the fields northeast of Greenhill–I think–the Yaoi Army shows (almost all) its strength. Klaus predicts this will be the place the Highlanders choose to show themselves, and sure enough they teleport in, accompanied by four Matilda Knight units, one headed by Wart, Camus and Miklotov’s blobby shithead of a former liege lord. Shu notes with satisfaction that Leon is nowhere to be found, and I know the dude wears a giant orange trenchcoat, but would he be that easy to spot if he were here? Also Jowy, Julia, and Yuber are here, and they actually know how to fight, so that’s not great.

I discover to my delight that the melee ability, which Gijimu and Lo Wen both have, basically makes their units auto-hit any archers or magic users they engage in swordplay. This turns Bear’s unit, which I haven’t gotten to use for a while, into a Highland lawnmower. Better still, Ridley may be a neglectful second husband to Kiba, but he still can get it done in battle and wipes out Yuber with one critical attack. It’s all going great, and I’m even managing to keep Maximillian’s shitty unit clear of danger so he doesn’t overexert himself and die in the middle of a skirmish, when Jowy says after a few turns, “Give [Richard’s] Army the signal.” Shit, I should have known Julia never goes anywhere without his bird-faced lover. Richard and two other units appear from seemingly nowhere behind the Yaoi Army. I can only speculate that they rode through the forests and not the clearly marked grasslands to flank Barry, which means they are wizards. Just Barry’s luck!