Well, they are what they eat.

Carlos Mencia here takes a good long look at both Barry and PUGGY!!! before realizing that his minions are correct, but his demands that they engage these two giant-eyed leaders of men in battle fall on deaf ears and they get the fuck out of there. “Well then,” Gremio says like he did shit, “you’ve certainly regretted your words, haven’t you? You can return [Barry Jr.] now.” But Gremio has still not picked up on the absence of the kid, and Carlos admits that they ran into a monster “up ahead” and dumped the kid like the heavy sack of potatoes he was. “Damn it!” he laments. “Why did we have to turn to kidnapping…?” That’s an excellent question, given how fucking bad they are at it. If Varkas weren’t a tool of The Man now I’m sure he’d have some choice words for their shitty banditry. Gremio urges the Tenkai Twins to hurry onward, because he’s a nag.

Sure enough, the group finds little Barry Jr.’s body lying prone in the same clearing where Barry first fought the “worm” boss here in Banner Pass, and sure enough again, the creature that attacked and poisoned the kid is the same fucking “worm.” Barry goes “!” at the appearance of the caterpillar, aghast that the game would so blatantly trot out a fucking retread like this.

And now it’s time for my favorite part of any recap, the reminder that I’m bad at video games. Not only do I not remember how this boss fight goes, but in my hubris I assume it can’t be that problematic or I’d remember, so I don’t bother looking it up. As before, I have the party use its strongest attacks on the Fuchsia-Spotted Caterpillar, except I don’t have Luc nearly kill everybody this time. This includes PUGGY!!!’s level 4 Soul Eater spell, Judgment, which is a totally fucking badass orgasmic explosion of blacklight ghost jizz and makes this jaunt absolutely worth pissing off Clive.

Now, after this epic ass beating, I expect the Fuchsia-Spotted Caterpillar to go down in one turn, and it does. What I do not expect, because my memory is basically a colander in my advanced age, is for it to shed its lime and fuchsia exoskeleton and emerge as a deadly moth with flame-colored wings and a fuchsia manicure. Whoooooooops.

This is basically what Edgeworth wore to senior prom.

The Fuchsia Flamerfly, without all the fun spells I just wasted, is not a fun gameplay experience, particularly for Luc or PUGGY!!!, who are picked up and dropped to the dirt so many times, à la the harpy on Mount Rakutei, that the collective healing power of Barry and Nanami can’t keep pace with it and flimsy Luc eventually drops dead. The Flamerfly also has a powerful lightning attack that hits everyone in the party, so that’s fucking swell. I hate myself right now. PUGGY!!! wonders to himself what kind of amateur shitshow the Yaoi Army must be if they can’t carry off one simple rescue mission.

God dammit, Nanami.

But good news: I also managed to forget that it is okay to lose this battle. I swear to God, guys, I have done this before. After the Fuchsia Flamerfly murders my entire back row, the battle ends and Gremio shouts, “Young Master, we’re done for if we stay here!! We’ve got to take [Barry Jr.] and get out of here! Okay, Young Master? Barry?” But the Tenkai Twins ignore Gremio’s matronly bleating and walk in unison to the front of the group. There, they each raise their right hands and glow with the powers of their respective true runes. Oh man, Jowy is gonna be so jealous.

Back on the battle screen, this translates to Barry first healing the entire party and then channeling a montage of galaxies and burnt villages and gay guys groping each other straight into the Fuchsia Flamerfly’s tiny moth brain, which apparently translates to 2100 damage. It’s pretty cool but it makes absolutely no sense. And then it’s PUGGY!!!’s turn to get a pity do-over of Judgment, which evaporates the last of the Fuchsia Flamerfly’s health in a glorious ultraviolet money shot. Losing this boss battle is the only way to see the flashy Bright Shield Rune sequence, so…I totally planned this! I’m a genius!

…Goatse?

Gremio gives all of the credit for the Fuchsia Flamerfly’s demise to his boyfriend, and then goes back to fretting about Barry Jr., who is suffering from poison-induced hot flashes. I mean, I hope it’s not menopause. That would raise some questions. Even though Barry has a magical healing true fucking rune, and even though Barry has mega medicines and antidotes in his bag, Gremio decides after a silent pow wow with PUGGY!!! that the only way to save the boy is to lug his ass to Gregminster so he can be healed by Liukan. But at least nobody offers to suck the venom out of the kid.

Up at the gates to the Toran Republic, Varkas predictably flips out when he sees PUGGY!!!–he probably assumes he’s here to take back the government from Lepant in an armed, bloody coup, and PUGGY!!! has certainly considered it. Gremio explains the situation, and Varkas agrees to escort them to Gregminster as fast as possible, like PUGGY!!! and Gremio, citizens of the Republic, would require an escort like Barry does. But whatever. A Black Screen of Liukan Giving the Kid Some Fucking Medicine transitions us to the Gregminster throne room, where Liukan informs the party, along with Lepant and Eileen, that Barry Jr. is going to be fine. And then he totters out, his usefulness to the plot totally expended in two lines.

Lepant doesn’t give two shits about some kid from another country, so he wastes no time half-heartedly expressing relief and instead turns to PUGGY!!!. “Lord [PUGGY!!!], I am greatly pleased to see that you are safe,” he lies. “And I’m also glad you’ve made your way back to the Toran Republic. The office of President has always been rightly yours…please, come this way.” I don’t buy for one second that Lepant intends to abdicate. This has to be a trap–Lepant has secretly bankrupted the Republic to build a solid gold cabana in the middle of the ocean in the Island Nations and he’s boarding a yacht with Alen and Grenseal right after this.

If that is Lepant’s game, however, PUGGY!!! doesn’t fall for it. Instead, he panics and backs away behind Gremio and Barry. Smart man. Lepant’s all, “Why? I mean, the throne is nice and warm, and I totally didn’t ruin our economy with shady adjusted rate mortgages on peeing boy statues! Coooooome heeeeere, buuuuuuddy.” Okay, he’s actually demanding to know why PUGGY!!! left in the first place, when he “fought and spilled blood to build” this country. He did spill a lot of fluids. “It would be inappropriate for me or anyone else to hold this office,” Lepant insists, ready to throw the palace keys at this sap and run for it. “It is yours.” Lepant again moves toward him, a sadistic leer all over his spritely face, and PUGGY!!! keeps backing up. Finally, Eileen sighs and says, “Dear… Nothing you say will change his mind. [PUGGY!!!] is a boy… Boys always have their eyes set on the distant horizon…” There is no way that isn’t code for, “I found your floor plans for the cabana, you fucker.” Eileen goes on, “There are things more important than being cooped up in an airless room and being called ‘President’. Were you not the same, dear?” SHE KNOWS, DUDE, BAIL, BAIL!

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Lepant listens to his wife and relents. But he is biding his time for another opportunity! “But please,” he begs, using his best sincere face, “promise me that you will one day return to us.” And then, the night before Lord PUGGY!!!’s return, he’ll go all Jonestown and murder every hot dude in Gregminster with phenobarbital-laced special stew. PUGGY!!! sees through your shit, old man.

Outside, a strange welcoming committee is waiting for PUGGY!!!: Cleo and Pahn, obviously, but also Sarah and Marie. Go home, ladies, PUGGY!!! needs to mack on Pahn for a minute. Pahn blurts out in front of everybody, “I had a feeling you’d be back, so I came home as well…” Suck on that, Cleo. She snits that he only returned because he was broke, but we all know he missed the sweet lovin’ of the Young Master. Marie chimes in with greetings as well, while Sarah feels the need to tell Gremio, “Hmph. I wanted to show everyone how much better my cooking got these last three years, but with you around, I won’t get a chance!” Oh no, her cooking magically leveled up TODAY and now she can never cook for anyone again, since Gremio is in the same city! Shut up, Sarah.

Thankfully, when the scene transitions to an elegant supper with Barry and the surviving members of the McDohl household, none of the ladies except Cleo are invited. And I’m sure she meanders to her bedroom during the Black Screen of Dining Room Orgies. After Barry is dressed again, he explores the house, which, if he’s being honest, is a little drab considering who lives here. At least there are plenty of pink azaleas and white roses from the Flower General’s garden.

Downstairs, Barry finds Cleo hanging out in the foyer. She asks if Barry wants to rest, and yeah, he could probably do with a nap after that. Barry has three different options for responding to her, one of which is, “I can’t stop thinking about you.” Right. Barry rolls his eyes at that nonsense and asks Cleo what she’s doing down here, like “Waiting for the grunting to die down” isn’t the obvious answer. She mutters that she’s just thinking, which of course means she’s about to wax at length about The Cold Truth of War™. “Barry…” she asks. “Is waging war painful for you? 3 years ago, the Young Master, I mean, Lord [PUGGY!!!], fought as our army’s leader… He brought many things to many people… But I’ve been thinking… What did Lord [PUGGY!!!], personally, gain from that war…?” A dead dad and a penis rock jutting from a lake? Oops, I mean peace and a non-corrupt government, at least until Lepant got his mitts on it. Barry tells Cleo he has a reason to fight, though he doesn’t add it’s mostly down to petty relationship revenge at this point. “…Barry… Such a strong child…” Cleo condescends at him. “You really do resemble the Young Master of three years ago… Thank you for speaking with me…Barry.” She walks out the front door, which Barry takes as a signal to go round up the men and start round two.

Possibly after round two, Pahn is sleeping in his room. He mutters, “Y…Young Master… I’ll protect you… Snnnnnnnore…” Someone’s having a fun dream! Meanwhile, in the kitchen, Gremio tends to a pot of thick, creamy stew and tells PUGGY!!!, “It’s been quite a while since we were last in this house… Young Master… Even though this place may hold painful memories, it’s still our home.” The scene fades before PUGGY!!! can respond, “What the fuck is your point?”

The next morning, I guess, Gremio and PUGGY!!! greet Barry in the foyer. Gremio says Barry Jr. is doing great and that Varkas will be escorting them all back shortly. The group returns to the palace, where Varkas and Barry Jr. are waiting. Also, Barry Jr. has finally figured out the identities of his saviors, which only seemingly took him three days. Good eye, kid.

Varkas does me a solid and escorts them all the way through Banner Pass with a convenient black screen, so Gremio and PUGGY!!! say their goodbyes. Gremio is sure Barry will win his war, because, he says, “I see the same hope in your eyes as I did in the Young Master’s. Whether it’s a gift from the heavens or simply destiny I don’t know, but… Barry, walk your road, unafraid…” PUGGY!!! rolls his eyes and wishes, not for the first time, that Gremio being magically reanimated from the dead hadn’t turned him into a religious weirdo. He’s going to start quoting Corinthians any minute.

Oh, I bet you will.

Wow.

As they turn to go, Gremio adds that the two of them are going to stop wandering the continent like hobos for a while and hang out at home, and he extends an open invite for sexy visits. This means, of course, that PUGGY!!! will now join the party on request, but that Barry can’t just add him to the group via Leona–he has to walk all the way to fucking Gregminster every time he desires PUGGY!!!’s, ahem, services. Including right now, since PUGGY!!! just left the party. Son of a bitch. So once Barry Jr. has toddled off toward Wendy’s to get himself a Frosty and some chicken nuggets, Barry turns right the fuck around and traverses Banner Pass again to actually get PUGGY!!! in his party for real. It’s a good thing PUGGY!!!’s got that ass.

Jesus Christ. So now–yes, now, sweet, patient Koyu–Barry can finally begin his mission to confront the Count. Which he will do…in the next recap!